What do you think about dancing?

[mattynice]

First post but this is something that has been on my mind for years - married women going out dancing.

 

Quick background. Been happily married for almost 30 years. Have college aged kids. Live in a nice suburb of a good sized city. Lots of friends and fun in our life.

 

My wife and her girlfriends periodically have nights out in the city. Usually starts with drinks in one place, a nice dinner and then usually a club that has dancing. (These are all things we have done as couples too. I have no problem with dancing.) I know they are going to dance with each other. But inevitably guys will jump in, ask them to dance, buy drinks and chat them up. They are attractive, vivacious 40/50 somethings that are well dressed and outgoing. It happens in front of the husbands sometimes when we are out as couples. They also take girls trips and often the same type of nighttime program is on the agenda.

 

My wife thinks this is perfectly normal. I think it isn't.I could not dance with a perfect stranger and not think it wasn't a bit of a come on. Guys go to clubs to meet girls (not dance with each other:eek:) I know, I'm a guy. Occasionally these are very late nights and wife comes home pretty buzzed (thanks Uber!)

 

Nothing has ever happened. I do trust her completely (some of her friends not so much). It just kind of bugs me that she wants to go to a place where you're pretty sure that you are going to end up dancing, chatting maybe flirting with other guys - even innocently. It's just something that I wouldn't do. Doesn't feel right.

 

Ok so just writing this makes me feel pretty stupid, but it is how I feel. I bring it up every now and then, but it goes nowhere. In fact it probably stops her from telling me about their outings so she doesn't have to deal with me looking at her sideways. I've never told her not to go or to not dance with other guys so don't call me controlling.

 

Just curious as to others' thoughts. Peace

[RecentChange]

Hum,

 

Well personally I don’t do “girls nights” it just doesn’t appeal to me at all. I go out with my husband, or my husband and our friends. On the occasions when the Mr is out of town, I may go out with our mutual friends of mixed genders.

 

But that’s just me - running around town with a flock of chicks just was never my thing. And you are correct, they DO get attention, that’s how it works.

 

On the other hand I don’t mind if my husband goes out with guy friends, or even if they stop by strip club while out of town.... but perhaps that is because I am always invited on the guys trips, and I am not bothered by what goes on (even if I have gotten the “please do not tell my wife about this!” more than once).

[amaysngrace]

She’s coming home to you. That’s probably what you should be keeping in the forefront of your mind, but I probably wouldn’t like it very much either. Did you tell her how it makes you feel left out of a good time and a little bit jealous because of other men having a good time with her rather than it being you?

[d0nnivain]

I see both sides. I'm a flirty girl & I admit that (limited) attention like what you wife is getting from these guys when she goes out with the girls is flattering.

 

Especially since you trust her, even if you have reservations about some of her friends, I recommend you talk to your wife. Admit your jealousy & brainstorm with her about how to reach a compromise that makes you both happy. Don't stop her from dancing but maybe ask her to send you a text or two while she's out to reassure you. It's OK to feel underappreciated. It's not OK to control so work with her to come up with something you can both live with.

 

A mature partner who loves you will validate your feelings & work with you to feel better about the whole thing.

 

Best wishes on finding a solution that makes everybody happier.

[Guildford]

My wife has never gone clubbing with the girls, so I am unfamiliar with this scene. However, here's my question. Does your wife ever come home after dancing with strange men fired up for sex with you, or am I letting my imagination run away with this?

[somanymistakes]

I've never been into dancing so I can't say what it's like.

 

There definitely are women who are into it just for the fun and the tease, though. I have a male friend who goes out dancing a lot and women have been known to jump on him and kiss him on the dance floor, just for the fun of it. They're not trying to go home with him, they just enjoy the thrill of 'playing' a little with a stranger.

[darkmoon]

dancing brings on endorphins which is why it is popular

 

 

 

one thing - the females dance with each other - there is no "may i have this dance?" from any guy - I know this much about clubbing first hand

Edited February 8, 2019 by darkmoon

[mattynice]

You're right, there isn't a formal request to dance usually.

 

 

 

It's more like the group of ladies are dancing and the guys will just kind of work their way in among them. Or the other move is to intercept them as they are leaving the dance floor and just kind of dance them back on. If the girls are having a good time, I guess they just go with it.

 

 

The other thing in this day and age, there are plenty of places where there is no defined dance floor. You just kind of dance where you are between tables and couches. Guys just hang around where the women are or vice versa.

[todreaminblue]

men drinking, women drinking and a bass beat mix in absent husband....eventual trouble.

[Lotsgoingon]

Hmmm ... I do partner dancing as a hobby ... and it's not the same as going to a bar or clubbing ... But there are some insights that can shed light.

 

It's funny ... in social dancing ... you are "allowed" to ask anyone to dance, whether they are with a partner or not ... It's one of the first things I had to have someone explain to me. Yep, I can ask that woman sitting next to that man (likely her husband) to dance ... and she'll usually say yes.

 

The flip side of organized social dancing is that it's one dance and you move on ... and therefore, the flirting is restrained ... and this is true even when you are doing say, some slow sensual dancing ...

 

BTW: I don't think it's weird at all for you to be concerned ... and to not like what your wife and her gf's are doing ... The one thing that caught my eye was your wife (did I get this right) accepting drinks from guys? ... That part I don't like ... Your wife and her gf's dancing ... and guys dancing with them ... I don't have a problem with that ... It's sorta impossible for a woman to be dancing with her gf's and a guy approaches and her to say "go away."'

 

On the other hand, I've been to club dancing before and joined women who were dancing with each other and the body language of the woman I started to dance with (and the body language of her surrounding friends) was clearly, I'm dancing by myself and with my girl friends, buddy. I am not here looking to connect you with you.

 

But I don't know how your wife acts on the dance floor ... In the official social dances, married people cut loose with whoever they are dancing with ... they don't restrain themselves ... again, though ... everyone knows this is a one-dance and move on situation.

 

Not sure that helps. I would draw the line at accepting drinks from guys ... but it sounds like perhaps your wife and her gf's ... well they like going out and being flirty girlies ... and there is a good side of that ... in that ... look so many partners are shut down emotionally ... your wife is alive and I bet she brings some of that enthusiasm to you ...

 

I would worry if you feel she's bored with you ... and only gets excited going out with gf's.

[SJS]

This scene has always made me uncomfortable. Luckily my friends are of the same mindset so our girls nights consist of no bars and no dancing. If we were to dance, it would be with each other and we would not allow men in our circle. (Everyone in our group has been married between 15-20 years).

[vinnyfl]

I used to be OK with my girlfriends going out to clubs and bars with their friends until my ex fiancé and the next girlfriend after her cheated on me when out with friends. Now I am married 46 years having learned my lesson.

 

My wife and I called dancing foreplay. Just look at how guys and girls dance, even girls and girls, and it is like foreplay. Shaking booties and rubbing against crotches. Add some alcohol to the mix and you now have a highly charged atmosphere of sexual tension and lowered inhibitions. A recipe for cheating as I learned the hard way.

 

It was different with my wife. Neither of us went out with the guys or girls. We went out with other couples only unless it was for something where guys do not go to pickup girls and alcohol is not sold. My wife went shopping with her friends and played cards with them alternating houses each week. I met once a month with some of the guys in my club for lunch and that was it. Every weekend we either went dancing to one of my private clubs or went out with other couples.

 

My best friend and best man at my wedding divorced his wife after learning that her night out with the girls involved sex with other men at times. The wife of our neighbors when we lived in Texas used to go to dance clubs with her friends and have sex with other men, some married and out with the guys. We just saw too much happen in places where they serve alcohol.

 

I am not making this up when I say every boss I had in the last 40 years cheated on his or her spouse when I was on business trips with them. Not to mention many of my co-workers who did the same. From what I read lately the rate of cheating among married couples is higher than once thought, even higher than the divorce rate for both men and women.

 

The saddest part are those spouses who swear that their partner would never cheat and I know they did on multiple occasions. My wife and I saw all of our siblings divorce due to cheating on the woman’s part, not the man’s. We decided to not place ourselves in any situation where that may occur because no matter how strong the marriage and trust, lower inhibitions, egging on by friends who may wish you to do what they are too afraid to do, and emotions kick in, we humans tend to make bad choices. My old boss was married to an ex nun who cheated on him. It can happen to anyone so why put your marriage in risk? When we married we gave up our single life. If we wanted to hang with our friends still, we would not have married.

[mattynice]

Thanks for everyone's feedback. To clarify, this isn't happening a lot. Maybe 1 or 2 times a year for a downtown night out and maybe 1 girls trip - usually to our vacation condo.

I think my main feeling, as some of you have pointed out, is why put yourself in a position where something bad could happen. Good people can make bad decisions when alcohol is involved and the situation is presented. I have no problem with the girls getting together to play cards, go to dinner, etc. It's going to a place that is designed to have males and females hook up, even if that isn't your intention for going.

She brought up a girls trip to Nashville once. The whole trip was designed around going dancing every night. It never came together and I was glad. But I did start a minor tiff with a snarky comment about so you're going someplace where you can get hit on for three straight nights...

I don't think she is bored with me - at least I hope not - but I think what she sees as innocent fun, I see through male glasses and know what can happen. I wouldn't say she is gullible but she probably sees the good in someone before recognizing their intent.

 

I became much more sensitive to this about 5 years ago when it seemed a number of our close friend couples starting getting divorced. Not just infidelity but the "we've grown apart thing". I couldn't help but thinking now is not the time to explore having lots of fun with girl friends.

[Whoknew30]

Thanks for everyone's feedback. To clarify, this isn't happening a lot. Maybe 1 or 2 times a year for a downtown night out and maybe 1 girls trip - usually to our vacation condo.

I think my main feeling, as some of you have pointed out, is why put yourself in a position where something bad could happen. Good people can make bad decisions when alcohol is involved and the situation is presented. I have no problem with the girls getting together to play cards, go to dinner, etc. It's going to a place that is designed to have males and females hook up, even if that isn't your intention for going.

She brought up a girls trip to Nashville once. The whole trip was designed around going dancing every night. It never came together and I was glad. But I did start a minor tiff with a snarky comment about so you're going someplace where you can get hit on for three straight nights...

I don't think she is bored with me - at least I hope not - but I think what she sees as innocent fun, I see through male glasses and know what can happen. I wouldn't say she is gullible but she probably sees the good in someone before recognizing their intent.

 

I became much more sensitive to this about 5 years ago when it seemed a number of our close friend couples starting getting divorced. Not just infidelity but the "we've grown apart thing". I couldn't help but thinking now is not the time to explore having lots of fun with girl friends.

 

She’s having fun! I go for girls night & even if guys flirt or dance never when we’re all too do any of us cross the line. Yours insecure bc “you’re insecure” don’t make that her issue if she’s been good to you in marriage. You maybe need some friends & or some hobby to do. My friend’s & I hobbies are good restaurants, fun outings & girls trips. We’re all mother’s & wives that love to blow off some steam & our husbands not so much...so why isn’t that ok? Bc men might try to hit on one of us? Let me tell you a little secret, most people cheat with someone they know more than just a ran in at a club. Especially older, you should be more worried about grocery stores, gyms, coffee shops...if someone wants to cheat they’re not going to have sex in the middle of a bar with their friends & if someone wants to cheat, they can meet a person anywhere.

 

People do lose connections in marriage sometimes but sitting their stewing with insecurity isn’t going to stop that & or cheating, even if it’s a possibility. In fact that can push disconnect more than help...insecure men are not attractive & or cute to women, even if it’s your wife.

[mattynice]

I guess this got a little sideways. I really don't think she's looking for opportunities to cheat and I don't think there is anything wrong with going out with the girls and blowing off steam. Her and her girlfriends do lots of things together. I do things with my friends. I don't even want to say it's even close to a concern. I just happen to feel dancing is a little more intimate than hanging out and even chit chatting with guys sitting near you in a bar. She doesn't think its a big deal at all. She goes to dance with her friends and once in a while, they end up dancing with guys.

 

Once, several years ago, I was at a charity event without my wife. A close friend's wife dragged me out on the dance floor to dance with a friend of hers who I did not know at all. I felt very uncomfortable as we danced and chatted and then walked off. Just struck me as too direct, too 1 on 1. Didn't feel like something I should be doing without my wife at least being there and knowing the person. Maybe disrespectful is too strong a word but something like that. I get that she doesn't feel that way because she knows her intention is to have fun with her friends, not meet guys. I got on here to ask about it to find out if I was the only man/woman who felt that way about it. I fully expected some people would think it's no big deal as I see groups of women doing it all the time.

 

I really can't think of a male group equivalent, we're certainly not going to a club to dance together and fight off the predatory women Maybe if the bar we went to was a notorious singles joint and we liked to go there late in the evening when everyone's drunk and friendly? I think I would expect my wife to push back a little and say "why are you going there"?

[basil67]

I've been out dancing with girlfriends. If a guy comes along, we shake our heads in a 'no' and raise a palm in a 'stop' gesture and move away from him. Is there any reason to think your wife and her friends are not doing the same?