Spark gone, or is it almost over??

[VL1987]

Hi all,

 

Advice or similar stories are welcome please! My partner and I have been together for coming on four years now. We are both in our 30’s, no kids and recently became engaged and we have on the most part, a very happy life together. We have been living together for over two years, planning to buy a house soon, we don’t argue very often, we have a lot of trust and we support each other in all aspects of our lives. On the whole we have a great foundation for our relationship.

Lately however, I have been feeling like the spark is gone. I don’t feel those butterflies anymore. I don’t feel that enthusiasm that I once had for my partner. We don’t have sex that often anymore - maybe once a fortnight on average and it is not passionate or even very exciting like it used to be. I find that a lot of what I used to find endearing, quirky and unique about my partner now irritates me. I feel bored and unenthusiastic about our relationship and I don’t feel excited about our future like I think I should.

Is this normal in a long term relationship? Is it just that our ‘honeymoon phase’ is over and this is what building a life and ‘adulting’ with someone feels like? Or are we in trouble?

[Guildford]

The reduction in the frequency of sex is normal, down to a fortnight is infrequent, but within the range of normal. Don't worry about the loss of butterflies, generally they only appear when you are having sex with someone new and sexually attractive. I asked my wife recently if she felt butterflies when she saw me approaching on campus 50 years ago, and she said no, but she did feel happy and her spirits would rise; I felt the same about her back then.

 

The fact that things about your partner that you once found quirky and unique are now irritating is worry-some. In years gone by, my wife's passion would come back if we had sex in a hotel room. You need to find something to spice up your sex life, and only you can determine what will spice it up without destroying the relationship.

 

One parting question: if you learned that your partner had engaged in sex with someone else, would your reaction be outrage and anger or would it be 'meh, so what?'

[Mr. Lucky]

Or are we in trouble?

 

VL1987, at some point almost every relationship is in the same "trouble".

 

We all experience that same spark when we first connect with our partner, can't wait to see her, be with her, laugh with her. touch her. Research shows, for most couples, this stage lasts 12-18 months and even has a name, the aptly beautiful "limerence".

 

But for a relationship to survive long-term, all but a fortunate few have to change love from a noun, this feeling, to a verb, a set of actions.

 

And that's what I'd ask you - what are you doing to provide the spark you want? Are you waiting for your partner to do the work? Or are you responsible for your own every-day contribution?

 

Mr. Lucky

[standtall]

If you're looking for butterflies and toe curling sex every other night, then don't get married. What you need to do is change boyfriends every 6 months, because you're not going to get that feeling any other way.

[lucky-girl]

I think losing the butterflies and much of the passion is fairly normal but I think 4 years in you should still feel enthusiastic and positive about your relationship and partner.

I'm at that point now where his quirks are irritating rather than endearing but we've been married 20 years. I think it's a bad sign to feel like that after living together only 2 years. I would expect it to only get worse.

However, I don't know what the answer is. Surely anyone we live with is going to irritate us after a while.

[Nilfiry]

The butterflies do not last forever. The excitement in the beginning will inevitably fade away. Such is the nature of life. Everything will eventually fall into a routine that you just do without thinking. Of course, I am not saying that you cannot be a loving couple anymore; only that you will never get back the feelings that you had in the beginning. Better to get used to it now.

[VL1987]

One parting question: if you learned that your partner had engaged in sex with someone else, would your reaction be outrage and anger or would it be 'meh, so what?'

 

 

Interesting question!! I would certainly feel betrayed. It is hard to differentiate between whether it would be my ego or my heart that would suffer the biggest blow. I hope I never have to find out.

[Tamfana]

I feel bored and unenthusiastic about our relationship and I don’t feel excited about our future like I think I should.

 

Is this normal in a long term relationship? Is it just that our ‘honeymoon phase’ is over and this is what building a life and ‘adulting’ with someone feels like? Or are we in trouble?

 

Yeah it's common but it's not necessary or inevitable. Relationships are the creation of the two people in them. Lots of people make that realization after a few years. The first flush is the easy part when hormones and novelty stimulate.

Now it's up to you two to make the life you want to have.

[Turning point]

I feel bored and unenthusiastic about our relationship and I don’t feel excited about our future like I think I should.

Is this normal in a long term relationship? Is it just that our ‘honeymoon phase’ is over and this is what building a life and ‘adulting’ with someone feels like? Or are we in trouble?

 

Are you 'adulting?'

 

I think I'd try to separate the butterflies (our child side) from being unenthusiastic about the relationship and the future (adult stuff.)

 

Are you ready to be an adult or did you step of the experience train a few stops too sson?

[whichwayisup]

Put effort into it! The passion is there, you just need to make time for reconnecting and go out on date nights. It's too easy to let life get in the way, too tired, too busy, too lazy etc.

 

Just because the butterflies are almost gone doesn't mean your marriage is over. If you think that intensity lasts all the time then you're fooling yourself. Your marriage will be filled with dry spells depending on what's going on. The key is not to worry about it. Always appreciate each other and communicate.

 

Make a date night with him this week. Buy him something sexy, and tell him the next date he has to plan. Do this and you two will be back in the saddle together!

[Wallysbears]

The initial "butterflies" can be replaced with something much deeper and more valuable and real if you put effort into it.

 

What are you doing to keep your relationship alive, not just on auto pilot?

[Guildford]

VL1987 - You don’t say anything damning about your boyfriend, only that he has quirky habits that are no longer endearing. You need to engage in sex more often, and fake the passion; and when not going for sex, be affectionate to him. You can’t spice things up every time, but occasionally surprise him with a sexy outfit or some kink. As the expression goes, ‘Just do it.’ Also, periodically ask him for his view of your sex life.

 

If you don’t do something to break this logjam, then one of you will have an affair, or years from now you will find yourselves in a platonic relationship with more resentment than anything else. My wife and I have been married for 50 years and we have had periods similar to what you describe. Some how we broke the logjam and we are getting along quite well now, and yes we still have sex. You won’t bring back the butterflies, but you can bring back the passion. Go for it.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

In any LTR these feelings and desires ebb and flow. It's totally normal.

 

One of the main qualities of a good partner is the flexibility and understanding when things need to be spiced up and/or the opposite when you need a little less demands for sexual intimacy, etc.

 

You guys will figure it out with good communication and (literally) give and take. . .