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lonely and no answers in marriage

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Old 26th January 2019, 9:57 AM   #1
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lonely and no answers in marriage

hi everyone,

I am married since 4.5 years and lately, I have been feeling lonely in my marriage. my husband works odd shifts and when i said i want to leave work, he says no continue as it helps paying mortgage, which I understand and go back to work. we dont have children yet and I am 32 and he is 34 and still unsure if he wants kids, But I want kids. my work doesn't give me satisfaction anymore and I want a family and sometime with husband.

he is tired most of the time due to odd shifts. sex is like outside the window for us.I am planning to buy a dildo myself secretly. joking!!

past 1 month or so, I keep dreaming of my ex boyfriend and i feel guilty when i wake up. this feeling makes me want to connect with him again. mind you this relationship was 8 years back.

i am confused in what to do. I cant share with husband nor I have any friends to share my thoughts with.

in fact, in anger, i told my husband my ex boyfriend was better than you and obviously, he got angry. though i work full time, i cook clean, bring grocery, make other works around the house. he very rarely help in house work. I want to loose weight and i cant do it going to full time job, house work and then loose weight and I told him and he says, work now we will think of children later and i want to know when? i am getting depressed in this relationship.

i hope anyone form this forum can share their experiences please.. thank you
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Old 26th January 2019, 10:24 AM   #2
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It's unfortunate that your husband works odd hours as compared to you. Is there any way he could work more regular shifts or find something where he can?

If you don't enjoy your own job then you should be looking for other employment opportunities (while still employed at your current job) during your off times (evenings, weekends). Most couples need two incomes to have a comfortable life and don't have the luxury of choosing not to work.

Talk to your husband about wanting more sex. Unless he's working 7 days a week you should be able to work this out if it's only about him being tired. If it's about something else then you need to discuss it.

Have you talked to your husband about not sharing the housework? Explain that you are doing your part to help bring in money and that he needs to do his part to help around the house.

Working full time and doing housework should not be an impediment to achieving your goal of losing weight, it most likely would even be helpful in in those endeavors. I'm not sure where the problem is with this.

Did you discuss the issue of children before marriage? This is one of those huge issues that you need to do your best to make sure you are on the same page for BEFORE marriage. Also, it's likely he's feeling similar dissatisfaction in the marriage and you need to straighten out the marriage before you even think about having children.

Comparing him unfavorably to your ex was a really awful thing to do. You probably did a lot more damage there than you realize. I'm not sure how you even make that ok.

You need to take responsibility for yourself and your own life and stop blaming your husband for your unhappiness. The first step in taking responsibility is to talk to him. Focusing your thoughts on everything you are unhappy about with him and thinking about your ex is very destructive and will only increase the problems.

Deal with things now, openly and honestly.

That advice comes from 23 years of marriage. My marriage ultimately ended. If you don't want yours to do the same, take action.
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Old 26th January 2019, 11:23 AM   #3
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Write this letter and give it to him.

Dear Husband,

Our marriage is is trouble. I am lonely because you are never here with me. We have do not have sex or romance in our marriage. We do not go out have fun or travel. I am 32 and want children - we can no longer delay having children. Marriage is not supposed to be two people working just to pay bills.

If We cannot correct these problems we are headed to divorce.

Last edited by Simple Logic; 26th January 2019 at 11:25 AM..
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Old 26th January 2019, 1:29 PM   #4
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You do need to communicate your concerns to him but you also need to present solutions. If your earnings are required to pay the mortgage how will you afford kids? Solve that problem then present you quitting as a way for you to be home & more available to him.
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Old 26th January 2019, 1:37 PM   #5
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Do you have the opportunity and would your husband be willing to go to marriage counselling?

There are lots of issues here and things that need to be discussed/decided - important things like; how to communicate with each other, what are your priorities in life, understanding what you botht want for the future especially related to children, working together as a team as it relates to your finances, etc... big decisions to be made, and the future doesnít look good if you canít learn to communicate with each other and work together toward some common goals...
If they love you, you will know. If they don't, you will wonder all the time if they do...
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Old 26th January 2019, 3:15 PM   #6
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You can lose weight and work. Exercise is maybe 10% of weight loss with diet being the rest. That comparison with the ex was rough. If he wanted kids would you want to have any while being compared to an ex? Good luck
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Old 27th January 2019, 1:53 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by sarahsamuel View Post
h when i said i want to leave work, he says no continue as it helps paying mortgage, which I understand and go back to work.
What is your reason for wanting to leave work? Doesn't seem like the kind of relationship you'd want to bring a child into...

Mr. Lucky
Happiness is not a goal; it is a byproduct -

Eleanor Roosevelt
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Old 27th January 2019, 2:09 AM   #8
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Here's my advice for what it's worth;

1. Stop complaining and start doing
2. Ask your husband to sit down with you and go through the household budget. If he won't do that, then do it yourself. Work out where you can make economies. Make a long-term financial plan, say 2 years.

3. Get yourself a better paying job, so firstly, you can make a good contribution to the budget and also so you can put money away. If you want a baby you'll need it.

4. Ask him how he sees the marriage in 2 years time, and listen carefully to his answer. If he doesn't see children as part of the future picture then you need to decide if you want to stay with him or not. In any event, getting yourself financially independent will be a plus whatever you decide to do.
5.And above all do not get pregnant in the meantime.


Good luck
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Old 27th January 2019, 3:03 AM   #9
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Do you still love him? It can be a really scary question because of all the self talk about loving our partner, but the truth is important. Do you imagine yourself without him? If so, what do you do in these imaginings?

And go buy yourself a dildo. Or a good vibrator. They are fun!
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