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When is enough , enough ?

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Old 24th January 2019, 7:43 PM   #1
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When is enough , enough?

Sorry if this is kind of long...

Iím torn on what to do ... divorce or work it out? Ultimately I know it will be my decision but I need to know if anyone can relate and or share their experiences.

We have been together/married 10 years. Have two beautiful kids. I will admit that I do have my faults and am no where near perfect but how involved can someoneís family possibly be and when does your spouse need to step in and say something? When we lived closer to them and friends whenever a problem arose they would tell him to just come home and stay or he would disappear to a friends house for anywhere from a week to two weeks, mind you we had a spare bed and also a perfectly good couch. Anyway weíve had some real issues from him telling them all of our business : personal, financial, etc and oversharing with friends to include intimate details and pictures with friends. It almost ended us back then but we worked threw it and moved on.

Fast forward to now... (yes weíve had our fair share of issues through the years but have always been able to resolve them for the most part since moving away) anyway almost a year ago I took on a new job that required a lot of my attention initially and is mostly a guy centric atmosphere but there are other women ! Anyway he started feeling insecure and pointing fingers and making some wild accusations, long story short I had to jump through hoops but was able to disprove all these theories. In the meantime I found out that he had gotten a divorce attorney, had been screen shooting our messages and sending them to his parents and they had been majorly trash talking about me and about it to my kids(Iím a bad mother, a narcissist, a user, bitch, etc) which isnít surprising because they never really liked me but now that I went as far as to switch jobs and have disproved these accusations etc, now he says we can work it out and he wants to be together . However I am torn, I want it to work for the kids , but how do I trust someone who has a history of this and was quick to get a divorce attorney when his mother told him too! How do I know heís not just crawling back for connivence(we separated after the discovery of messages and the divorce attorney)and how would I ever be around his family without telling them how I really feel because this is just the icing on the cake to some of the **** theyíve done!!
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Old 24th January 2019, 8:40 PM   #2
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For what reasons did he get a divorce attorney?

Why is he calling you a bad mother?

Why did he suddenly become insecure if you work with other men? Is this new or a longstanding issue?
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Old 24th January 2019, 8:48 PM   #3
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It sounds like heís a people pleaser. He wants everybody to know his business and relies on their responses heavily to be happy. I work with someone like that. Funny, heís also shown everybody named pictures of his now-fiancť. Itís completet unacceptable for someone to be sharing personal relationship problems with the world. You need to draw the line there and let him know that yíall business needs to remain yíall business. Tell him straight up he needs to make up his mind, does he want you or he wants the world? And make it clear, if he wants to be with you still, that you wonít accept that anymore and youíll leave if it happens again. He also needs to sit his family down and make it clear that his business is no longer theirs and that they need to respect you.
The insecurity part is okay, unlike what the world will tell you. Iíve went through that with my girlfriend. You just need to work with him through that and assure him you love him.
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Old 24th January 2019, 8:48 PM   #4
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His sharing all your personal business with his family, especially when they are tearing you down to him, would be completely unacceptable to me. I wouldn't work through that. He would have to stop.

I'll leave it there since as Garcon pointed out there are things that need clarified in order to provide further opinion.
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Old 24th January 2019, 10:44 PM   #5
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Yikes, I can't imagine how he would think it's acceptable to leave home while there is a problem. No matter how mad I have been at my wife, I have never considered the option to leave her and the kids and go somewhere else. I just can't imagine that being a possibility.

Likewise, I can't imagine airing dirty laundry in front of other people, whether family or not. I never say anything that's bad about my wife to anyone, and she is the same about me. If we are mad at each other about something it gets said just between the two of us.

If you want to work things out I think one crucial step to be taken is to come to an understanding that everything between the two of you, stays between the two of you. No more family sticking their noses into the situation.
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Old 25th January 2019, 1:59 AM   #6
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When is enough , enough?

He got the divorce attorney because after accusations started flying and fingers being pointed and rehashing things from the past , I suggested a separation for the time being , time to take a step back , clear our minds, and look at the bigger pictures. In the meantime however we started exchanges little jabs and rude comments , etc. next thing I know his mom is telling him to get a divorce heís be better off , to which he agrees with her through a text, says he deserves better, I should be begging to take him back, etc. I lost my **** finally and said maybe you should get one, but his consult with the attorney was dated after his mom suggested it and before I said go ahead and get one.

The insecurity Has always been a problem. The beginning of our relationship was not so great in terms of the way he treated me and I think he constantly worries it will come back to bite him in the ass.

His parents and friends always have been a problem, they are part of the reason we relocated, yet here they are between us. This isnít the first time things like this have happened and I said then I would walk away but didnít.
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Old 25th January 2019, 2:17 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by Madwoman101 View Post
It almost ended us back then but we worked threw it and moved on.
I'm going to take a slightly contrarian position and say, after 10 years of the same drama, Madwoman101 this is on you.

You husband has been remarkably consistent in showing you he isn't committed to your marriage, won't observe your boundaries and doesn't respect you as a wife. He's left your marital home for extended periods, dissed you to family and friends and planned behind your back to divorce you.

And each time this has happened you've waffled, rugswept the problems and gone about business as usual.

So why would he do anything differently? There's been no consequences for his behavior and your weakly expressed anger just gives him more reasons to talk badly about you.

Simply put, you're going to have to be the change you want to see. Until you stand up for yourself and own the things you claim are important to you, the merry-go-round continues. Of course he wants to stay married, he's had a wife who's let him get away with anything and everything and still crawled into bed at night.

This isn't really about him, you already know what he's going to do. The important questions is, what choices will you make from here and where will that lead you? I hope you get what you say you want...

Mr. Lucky
Happiness is not a goal; it is a byproduct -

Eleanor Roosevelt
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Old 25th January 2019, 1:46 PM   #8
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And tell us - what specifically do you fight about? The dishes not being washed in a timely fashion? The kids not being picked up perfectly on time?
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