My BPD spouse

[Mike Thomson]

This could probably be a long post. I have always known that my wife is emotionally unstable but after reading a few experiences of people living with spouses who have a borderline personality disorder (BPD), its pretty clear that she also has one. My 20 years of marriage has been an 'eggshells relationship'. Since the first time she ran away from home over a small argument that we don't even remember and made some half hearted attempts at overdosing, I have lived in fear of my wife getting into some trouble and our problems becoming public. All these years I have been simply trying to keep peace in the house by being nice, sweet and loving. Every time we have had a fight, I have always been the one to patch up and basically, I have been only working to keep the relationship smooth for the last 20 years.

 

 

 

She displays all the classic symptoms of BPD: overreacting to situations, getting angry and flying off the handle suddenly, getting into frequent arguments with me, doesn't want to let go of me, sulking and remaining angry for days and days after a fight, brooding, depressed, sleeping for hours and hours till I am forced to perform some of the household chores, never initiates sex and can go on for a month without it, and has never come up to me to hug me, kiss me or say that she loves me. Also, to the outside world she is a completely different person, someone who is always so cheerful, full of brightness, innocent to the point of being dumb and always ready to help people. But that's just a mask she puts on to impress people and tries to score brownie points by helping the neighbors like running errands, cooking up something for them, keeping the neighbors' house keys to manage their servants and other dirty work. She is amazingly efficient at doing other people's work and has ended up being used as a doormat. Thanks to her, we have had fights with people in the building where we stay and our neighbors after suddenly becoming extremely close with them due to her cheerful and helping behavior. But even after getting her teeth kicked in, she still continues with her behavior and being used by selfish neighbors.

 

 

On top of that, she engages in flirtatious behavior with much younger guys. Whenever I have pointed this out to her, she has accused me of doubting her character and being paranoid which I am not. Since she is a housewife, she doesn't get to interact much with new people or men and that has stopped her from getting into extra marital affairs until now. But I caught her red handed chatting with some guy who had proposed to her 20 years ago and came out of nowhere. Again, after being discovered, she threatened that she would end her life but I managed the situation and put the incident behind us until I observed her flirting with a boy our son's age and took her to a shrink. My wife was an illegitimate child whose father never owned up and she was raised by her grandparents and shuttled between various homes. The shrink said that she had not learnt how to behave differently with different people and had to learn to set limits to her behavior. Just a week ago, I caught her deleting her chats with a guy on FB messenger. When I asked her why she was doing that, she said she was afraid that I would suspect or doubt her.

 

 

Over the years, she has blamed me for everything from being overweight to loss of self confidence. I work from home and since I freelance, my income fluctuates and isn't fixed. We have always had financial problems in the sense that although we live in a fine big house and drive an SUV, we are always short of cash. I work from home and make just enough to get by, so we can't afford holidays to fancy destinations or go shopping whenever there's a sale on. But most people see us as the ideal couple and her friends envy her for the kind of life she has with such a big house, vehicle, two sweet children, servants, cook, good food to eat and good clothes to wear. When I spoke to our children about our financial position, they said they never felt anything and things were good enough. But my wife paints such a bad picture about our financial situation that I have always felt guilty about not being able to do enough to make them happy.

 

 

 

The situation has become more complicated with my old parents moving in with us. There's no shortage of space but there has been bad blood between me and my father and her too. But he is old now and my mother is also a stroke patient who is past 80. I want to give them a dignified life but my wife hates them so much that their lives are miserable. My wife is extremely possessive and gets affected my any female coming close to me, even my own mother. Three years ago, she ran away from the house at night to a friend's place just because I was giving bath to my mother. I was just pouring water over her because she had a stroke and her left side wasnt working. I was doing it because my wife wouldn't get up early enough to do it. She keeps pointing out negatives abut my mother which are just the usual idiosyncratic behavior every person has like overeating or not maintaining personal hygiene. My wife says she gets affected by my father's talks so I am forced to keep them shut in a room all day. She says she doesnt want anything to do with them, so I have to give them food and take care of their other needs.

 

 

Since I am highly sensitive to the environment in the house, I have been running around all this time to keep peace in the house. I am also extremely loving by nature and keep expressing my love all the time in a physical way. She never responds to my affection and I am now wondering if I was ever in love with her. This relationship has been so draining because her entire BPD seems to revolve around me, making me the target of her attacks and personal accusations. I am trying to delink mentally from her but its difficult. She refuses to see a therapist or go for couple counseling. I really don't know who to handle this situation anymore and think I will need to go for counseling myself if I want to save this relationship.

[Wallysbears]

It doesn't sound like an easy marriage, but I wouldn't be so quick to label your wife with BPD.

 

And you also need to evaluate YOUR role in this situation.

 

You can't place all the blame squarely on the shoulders of one person. Especially when you are looking at more than 20 years.

[FMW]

I think counseling is definitely in order, probably both individually for you and as a couple so that you can get a clearer view on things and thoughts from an unbiased third party.

 

It's wonderful that you want to have your parents in your home to care for them, but that is a big stresser on a marriage that is going well, much less one with existing difficulties.

 

As far as finances, why doesn't your wife work?

[Mike Thomson]

Wallysbears, I know it would be unfair to put the entire blame on my wife, but all I have done in this relationship is try and get along as much as possible. I don't drink, smoke or chase other women. Despite trying to love her as much as I can, its become frustrating now because she just can't return any love. She can buy me gifts like a phone or a shirt and cook up a dish for me, but when it comes to expressing her feelings, she is incapable of even giving me a hug or even putting her arms around me when I hug her. She uses stonewalling to keep me on the edge by appearing engrossed in her cell phone, replying only in yes or no and not reacting to things I say. The more unresponsive she gets, the more anxious I get and try to make her behave normally again by pleasing her. Now I don't feel like myself anymore and feel like I am a fake person around her. I have analyzed the situation over and over and can't see anything wrong on my part. All I have done is try my best to ensure her mood doesn't become foul and the situation remains peaceful.

 

 

Finding my way, we have two kids who just started attending college and she had to look after them while I was working. She isnt very qualified to get a job that would really help boost our household income and lacks the energy as well. She is a great home maker and done a great job with rising the kids and taking care of me and the house. Its her behavior thats the main problem. I also dread sending her to a low paying job where she might meet some man and get involved with him because she can be easily influenced by people. This may sound like its coming from an insecure husband, but she has already got into relationships with men on chat and FB. I am trying to convince her to go in for couple counseling but she refuses to come. My best bet is going alone for a few sessions and then asking her to join me.

[Mr. Lucky]

As far as finances, why doesn't your wife work?

 

Or OP, you find a job or field with a steadier income?

 

Agree with Wallysbears, it's pretty easy to read between the lines and see another story. Maybe your wife does nice things for other people because, on some level, she's a good person? To present her helping others as some attempt to fool people seems disingenuous...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Tamfana]

It's a very bad idea to have your parents move in given the financial problems and the problems in your relationship with your wife. Caregiving for elderly relatives is extremely stressful.

[salparadise]

It doesn't sound like an easy marriage, but I wouldn't be so quick to label your wife with BPD.

 

Based on his detailed description, and my similar experience, I think he's probably got it right. BPD is not difficult to recognize, but when they won't go near a psychologist for fear of being outed there will be no actual diagnosis. When it meets the "beyond a reasonable doubt" standard of evidence, as it does here, there's no point in dancing around whether or not it warrants the label.

 

And you also need to evaluate YOUR role in this situation. You can't place all the blame squarely on the shoulders of one person. Especially when you are looking at more than 20 years.

 

Yup. You are correct, but probably not in the way you think. When a BPD manages to stay in a relationship/marriage for any length of time, it's because the partner is codependent. This means they enable the behavior by compensating for it, covering it up, sucking it up, ignoring the fact that their needs aren't being met, and allowing themselves to be slowly diminished by buying into the narrative that they are never doing enough or else she's be happy and appreciative like a normal person.

 

I have been running around all this time to keep peace in the house. I am also extremely loving by nature and keep expressing my love all the time in a physical way. She never responds to my affection and I am now wondering if I was ever in love with her. This relationship has been so draining because her entire BPD seems to revolve around me, making me the target of her attacks and personal accusations. I am trying to delink mentally from her but its difficult. She refuses to see a therapist or go for couple counseling. I really don't know who to handle this situation anymore and think I will need to go for counseling myself if I want to save this relationship.

 

Mike, I can relate to almost every word you wrote (except for the flirting and social media stuff). I was married to a high-functioning BPD for 23 years. I've been divorced for nine years. We were even care-taking for my mother for a couple of years. Mine worked but she had a credit card habit that kept us behind the eight-ball most of the time. Most of all, I relate to the way you have to be the one to keep peace, the inability for her to express affection normally, and feeling the need to "unlink" mentally and emotionally.

 

I don't have time to write a novel here today, so I am going to refer you to some resources. Firstly, use the search function to find the numerous threads created on this topic. Use advanced search to find threads that user "Downtown" has participated in. Secondly, if you do not own a copy of the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells," order it today. Third, absolutely you need to be in individual counseling.

 

Forget about couples counseling. She won't go, and even if she did she'd sabotage it and blame you. It would be a waste of time and money. However, exploring your own stuff is REALLY important, and you can absolutely save yourself. She could probably benefit form individual counseling, DBT specifically (dialectical behavioral therapy), which helps with coping skills, accepting more personal responsibility, and mitigating some of the behaviors.

 

So, the key question for you is why do you not think enough of yourself to refuse to dedicate your life to this enabler role you play for her? Why is her happiness (or relative peace) so much more important than than YOUR happiness? Is the answer that you don't believe you're worthy, except in this role? If you truly believed that you deserve a fulfilling marriage, you would've refused this role... and that means that you would've either never married her to begin with, or you'd have gotten out upon recognizing that you can't thrive in this situation. This is something you must explore in therapy. You only get one life to live––why did you choose this, continue to, and based on your post... plan to until the end.

 

The key to dealing with her is setting boundaries. Do not engage with her threats or tantrums. Let her go through the spin cycle all by herself. Say how you feel using "I" statements, for example... "I'm sorry you feel that way." Don't argue or give her fodder for an argument. Just look at her and say nothing and let her scream and yell without reacting at all. Man, does that ever confuse them when after 20 years of controlling through the threat of a tantrum, it no longer works.

 

If you have further questions, ask and I'll try to give you the benefit of my experience. I know where you are right now. My revelations came when I started browsing the Psych section in B&N (knowing something was wrong) and found the precise description of her disorder. The next day I made an appointment with a counselor and started unraveling the puzzle. The upside is, you can learn to be yourself again, and you can even manage her to a degree. But this will inevitably come a point where you have to decide whether to dedicate the rest of your life to managing (enabling) her disorder, or taking another shot at self-fulfillment.

[Tamfana]

...When it meets the "beyond a reasonable doubt" standard of evidence, as it does here, there's no point in dancing around whether or not it warrants the label.

 

The standard "beyond a reasonable doubt" applies in trials, where both sides present their cases. edited to add: And where rules of evidence apply and opinion is not admissible except from qualified experts.

Edited January 15, 2019 by Tamfana

[Mrs._December]

Three years ago, she ran away from the house at night to a friend's place just because I was giving bath to my mother. I was just pouring water over her because she had a stroke and her left side wasnt working.

And THAT would have been the last time I dealt with her. If my spouse had the gall to expect me to disrespect my aging, sick mother, he'd be cut out of my life immediately.

 

My wife says she gets affected by my father's talks so I am forced to keep them shut in a room all day.

I have no words. Actually I have a ton of words I want to say, but I'll get in trouble so I won't say a word. I do want to say however, shame on you.

 

I am also extremely loving by nature and keep expressing my love all the time in a physical way.

So you allow her to control how you treat your parents (which is pretty abominable) and it's because of her these poor people are shut up in a room all day. And you're rewarding that horrible behavior and the disrespect she shows your parents by begging her to love you and constantly touching her? Really?

 

I'm just going to say this. I promise you when your parents pass away, the guilt you're going to bear is going to overwhelm you. You KNOW you're not doing your best by your parents and you KNOW it's because you're allowing your wife to tell you what you're allowed to do and what you're not allowed to do. I'm telling you right now, you'd better step up and do right by your parents or the day is coming when you WILL wish you could do things over.

 

Throw your wife out the door if you have to. Your parents deserve so much better.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't think your wife has BPD. I sadly think she's just not that into you. She feels stuck.

[Wallysbears]

She’s stuck.

 

You’re focused on work.

 

You’re insecure and won’t let her work outside the home.

 

 

She doesn’t have BPD, you have insecurities.

[brigit87]

 

 

The situation has become more complicated with my old parents moving in with us. There's no shortage of space but there has been bad blood between me and my father and her too. But he is old now and my mother is also a stroke patient who is past 80. I want to give them a dignified life but my wife hates them so much that their lives are miserable. My wife is extremely possessive and gets affected my any female coming close to me, even my own mother. Three years ago, she ran away from the house at night to a friend's place just because I was giving bath to my mother. I was just pouring water over her because she had a stroke and her left side wasnt working. I was doing it because my wife wouldn't get up early enough to do it. She keeps pointing out negatives abut my mother which are just the usual idiosyncratic behavior every person has like overeating or not maintaining personal hygiene. My wife says she gets affected by my father's talks so I am forced to keep them shut in a room all day. She says she doesnt want anything to do with them, so I have to give them food and take care of their other needs.

 

 

Having elderly parents life with children puts a strain on any marriage. And your wife is dealing with both your dad and mom. That' s a lot. TBH I wouldn't be able to deal with that either.

 

If you want to save your marriage you need to get your parents into a nice assisted living facility. It would make everyones life more enjoyable.

[pepperbird]

op,

I'm not sure where you're from. Is it an accepted practice in the culture where you live that elderly parents live in the home with their child?

 

 

I've been in a relationship with a BPD man when I was younger. It was absolutely awful, but at the time, i was so caught up in it I couldn't see it. One of his favourite tactics was to constantly keep a person off balance. One minute everything would be great, I was the most wonderful person in the world, the next i was the meanest person to have ever existed.

 

 

 

He'd also do the thing of putting on the appearance of being a great guy. If I tried to talk to anyone about him who knew both of us, the usual retort was along the lines of look how great he is, how can you question him? It was as if he'd save up all his negativity and when we were alone, he'd unload it all onto me. He had me so mixed up I really though I deserved being called every bad name in the book. I really believed I must have done something wrong to make this otherwise fine man act the way he did. It took him starting physical abuse ( hitting, slapping, etc.) for me to see who he really was.

 

If I tried to leave, he'd beg and plead, say he couldn't live without me . I finally was able to convince him that I wanted to leave but if he got into some counseling or other mental health services, I might want to stay. Once I knew he was being cared for and had supports in place, my parents helped me get away to another province. I started uni. there, got my degree and haven't looked back.

 

 

 

I did get a Facebook message from him a few years ago. He told me he'd been diagnosed with BPD, but if his words are any judge, I don't think he changed very much. BPD being a personality disorder, it can be very hard to change, even if the person really wants to. In fact, there is a school of thought that BPD is closely aligned with psychopathy. I'm not sure if I agree with that.

 

 

 

 

 

in the case of your wife, no one on here can say for sure if she's BPD or not. In the end, it may not matter. She is what she is. I would highly encourage the two of you to seek marriage counseling, and if she won't go, I strongly believe you could benefit from some individual therapy. That can help you sort out what's going on and give you some insight into what you can do to create some change in your life.

[Lotsgoingon]

MikeT,

 

Wow, you're bringing back memories of my ex ... and those times when she seemed to only focus on ME! ... OMG, if I blinked my eyes too fast, she would throw a tantrum.

 

You got to get to a counselor and do double-time work on "boundaries," limits and saying no.

 

The absolute total complete and disastrous thing to do with a partner with bpd is to work you butt off to make them happy ... while letting slide her disregard of you. In other words "niceness" does NOT work as a strategy.Now in this case, the opposite of "nice" is not mean ... the opposite of nice is self-protective ... and insisting on equality (that she nurtures you as much as you nurture her) and able to stand up for yourself, able to express your dissatisfaction, allowing things to remain in conflict if you're truly dissatisfied with their behavior.

 

The effort you're putting into the relationship sounds like the effort of a parent raising a child. Totally understandable in that case as kids aren't supposed to return nurture to the parent (simple politeness will due). But in a relationship, you can't be one sided.

 

There is no quick fix ... other than to ask: why are you staying in the relationship?

 

Get to a counselor ... most likely she did a lot of nasty inappropriate stuff all along in the relationship and unfortunately you let her get away with it, hoping your kindness would be reciprocated. I did the same. It didn't work.

 

Learning how to really stand up for myself has been a project, a wonderful, wonderful and liberating project. There was stuff my ex did that if I were with her now, I would walk out and not return.

[basil67]

You complain about being forced to do housework because she doesn't. You also say that you have servants and a cook.

 

Doesn't make sense.

[Mike Thomson]

Thank you all so much for taking the time out to read my story and reply. And I want to thank each and every one of you, even those criticizing me because I badly want to see this situation from different perspectives and not just blame my wife or myself.

 

 

 

Mr. Lucky - I am reaching 50 and have been into editing for the last 20 years. Its the only thing I am good at, but freelance doesnt pay that much and organizations don't want people over 40. I did try my hand at writing and made some money, but couldn;t keep it up because it was too time consuming and not very paying.

 

 

 

My wife is a completely different person inside and outside the house. Inside the house I have already explained, outside the house she is sweet, submissive, dumb, innocent and afraid of displeasing people. I attribute this to her stay in an orphanage during her schooling years and staying in different homes of her relatives where she had to please them and remain in their good books. We all are mature enough to know when helping people is right and when it is too much that you end up becoming a doormat and being taken for granted. Her only value to her friends is keeping the negihbors's house keys, letting their servants in, taking care of their children, etc. People see her as nice, but foolish and keep telling her that she overdoes it. Its not just me who says that. I have tried to explain and correct her behavior but even after repeatedly getting dumped by close friends for whom she did a lot, she continues with the same behavior.

 

 

salparadise - I don't know if this sounds bad, but I am so glad that your experience reaffirms what I am going through. Also, thank you for the advice and suggestions which I will certainly take up. When I married my wife, she seemed to be that innocent, simple girl who had no one to take care of her and needed a man who would love her, make her forget her past and keep her away from her blood sucking relatives. My daughter was born in a year after marriage and my business went bust. They were had times and she insisted on a divorce and told me she finally had someone, our daughter, who was her own flesh and blood and was no longer alone in this world. She also began confiding about her plans in her best friend, a male, and wouldn't share anything with me. I blamed my business going bust for that situation and never blamed her for that. My son was born a year after that and I don;t know when exactly I started pacifying her every time she blew up. It may have just started by trying to cheer her up after a small argument and then evolved into the present situation. My greatest weakness is that I fear our situation becoming public due to her actions like overdosing or running away from the house and meeting with an accident or something. Thats why I always bought peace by pacifying her and ending the stand off. Divorces are not very common among my generation in this part of the world where I stay. I can't even think of how my teenage children would exist with divorced parents. They are my biggest concern right now because they don;t deserve to be seeing all this drama that could affect their personal relationships with their spouses. You are right about not getting into arguments, in fact, I tried stonewalling her the other day after a conflict and she came to me for the first time I can remember. Now another conflict has come up and she has kicked up a storm by refusing to eat and I am just ignoring her. I'll ask you for some more tips for sure as I go into individual therapy.

 

 

Mrs._December - Throwing my wife out of the house may not be the solution. You are right that my parents deserve a dignified life and I understand your anger at being nice to my wife even when she is being downright evil to my parents. I believe I have an equal responsibility to my parents as well as my wife. Please understand that she has a psychological issue and she is not an evil person. If she was, I would have left her long ago. I married her and feel responsible to helping her resolve her psych issues and abandoning her without even going for therapy would be highly immature.

 

 

Wallysbears - If she is indeed stuck, she has the liberty to leave me. I would absolutely understand if she wants to divorce me because I am not her type. Everyone deserves better. When I analyze my behavior, I don't seem insecure. I was the one who encouraged her to contact and meet this person with whom she had a fling on social media. I thought it would be nice for her to catch up with an old friend and told her to invite him home along with his wife and kid. Little did I know that she would get involved with him and run away from home after picking a fight with me and stay on the street all night. Even after this, last year, I sent her alone to a different state for a 10 day reunion with her college friends. Would an insecure husband do all that? In fact, she is the one who seems insecure. She once told me she felt jealous when I held our baby daughter, imagine that. She said she feels jealous when I pet our dog! I am not allowed to make friends with good looking women because she starts hating them for no reason. I don't have any social media accounts and had to cut off all childhood relationships after my wife was not happy being around a girl I dated in school. Do I still seem insecure? Who isn't focused on work, except maybe people who have inherited large sums of money and don't need to work? Yes, I worked so hard to bring food on the table, make sure that my kids got the best, pay our mortgage and support our lifestyle that I had a slipped disc in 2017 which hurts to this day. And I am proud of my efforts. So if my wife doesn;t understand her husband's struggles, throws tantrums every other day and robs him off his peace of mind so that he can't focus on his work and ill treats his parents, the husband is squarely to be blamed, according to you.

 

 

brigit87 - I would consider moving them to a separate place when they become immobile or need assistance. In our 20 years of marriage, my parents have stayed with me for less than 2 years and have always been with my sister, except for short monthly visits when she had to go on a vacation. My Mom has been with us for 3 years since she got the stroke and Dad just 3 months. Taking care of the elderly probably creates a picture in the mind of running around and doing everything for them from feeding them to changing their diapers. But you would be genuinely surprised to see how everything is well sorted at my house. My parents don't need assistance with anything. They have their separate room, eat and dress by themselves, operate the television and keep to themselves. A lady comes in the morning to give bath to my Mom in the bathroom and my Mom also goes for walks twice in the day without anyone's assistance. A cook makes the food for us and all my wife has to do is heat the food in the oven and serve it on a plate. If that's too much, then we shouldn;t be having any children in the first place.

 

 

pepperbird - yes, I am from Asia where people generally keep their parents with them, but not everyone is lucky like me to have a big house with one room for each member. Your ex and my wife have a lot in common and would have hit it off if they had met! She doesn't keep me off balance but puts up a fantastic appearance of being such a nice person that my accusations would be unthinkable. In fact, I lost a couple of close friends when I suggested she was engaging in flirtatious behavior with younger guys because they thought I was being paranoid! They still do. The thing is that she keeps doing so much for other people by going completely out of the way that no one questions her behavior and would be shocked to even consider such inappropriate behavior from her. When she argues, she is extremely clever at distorting things, deflecting the blame and jumping from one issue to another. But her specialty is playing the victim. She will act the victim of financial pressure when I am working my ass off to pay the bills, she will act as the victim of my Dad's behavior which has changed or even stopped completely, she will act the victim of a paranoid husband's accusations, etc. To the outsider, she will appear to be in extreme distress with tears flowing and if you combine this with the fantastic goody goody image she has cultivated of herself, you can understand why no one will believe me. But I am glad you got rid of your ex and hope you find someone you deserve.

 

 

Lotsgoingon - That's the problem, her entire focus is on me, me, me. I wish she was into something else. She is at war only with me. Her issue with my parents is not because they are old and have moved in with us, but because she doesn;t want my other to be a part of my life. She doesn't want me to show any affection to my mother and even sharing a piece of chocolate with my Mom can set her off. Your words give me hope and I pray I can also stand up for myself and be liberated by being what I am than just a pacifying person.

 

 

basil67 - By housework, I mean making the breakfast in the morning because she doesn't get up till 9 AM, and other chores like putting out the garbage, answering the door bell, taking in the milk, etc. She lacks energy and is capable of sleeping the entire day if undisturbed.

[basil67]

basil67 - By housework, I mean making the breakfast in the morning because she doesn't get up till 9 AM, and other chores like putting out the garbage, answering the door bell, taking in the milk, etc.

 

These 'chores' you talk about are tiny inconveniences. You're seriously complaining about taking out the garbage or answering the door bell? If my husband complained about these tiny jobs, I think I'd take to my bed too.

[Lotsgoingon]

MikeT,

 

Look, admitting your miserable is the first step towards change.

 

You don't have to upend your life right now, but start contemplating and thinking about possibly ending the relationship. If your partner is anything like my ex, she's great at intimidating you and throwing a tantrum when you ask for the slightest bit of support from her.

 

Man ... the thing that wore me down (among many!) was that she would put up a front (as your partner does) in front of other people ... and then expect me to help her process EVERYTHING! ... I was like, go share this with your girlfriend or your cousin ... but no, her ego strangely got in the way. But with me, no ... she let all her negativity.

 

Hang in there man ... start dreaming of getting out ... and you can hopefully take steps to escape this misery ... I would ordinarily say it would be great for you to improve your marriage ... but frankly, I don't see that in your case. I wish I did. I don't know if you can do this ... ordinarily I would not tell someone to open up to their own parents about problems with a spouse. I'd be worried that the parents would be mean to the partner of their "child." (I'd be worried that your parents would be cruel to your wife.)

 

But when you're with a person with untreated bpd, you're in an emergency. The normal rules don't apply. It's a situation of extreme duress, and some of the steps you need to take will be unorthodox and unusual.

 

So I'm wondering if you can draw at least some emotional strength from your parents ... even if they are physically ailing.

 

Key: start telling your story to as many people as possible. This will help you get out of denial ... help you not feel ashamed about being in such a difficult marriage ... help you let go the tension of keeping secrete some marital misery (secrecy around this can be exhausting!) ... And sharing your story and situation with others can allow you to get some encouragement, support, tips ... hear stories of people in their own marriages (stories can be relevant even if the other person has different issues) ...

 

Start sharing your misery ... with friends, coworkers you trust ... relatives you trust. These don't need to be the closest people in your life ... but rather people who are good and that you trust. The key is to not be nasty ... as long as you focus on how tired you feel ... how bad you feel and so on ... you're not a downer to others ...

 

Good luck, brother.

[littleblackheart]

As far as the BPD goes, I only have my sister as an example and she is very (very!) different from what you describe. This makes me think that your wife has no genuine support system for herself outside of her marriage, which is quite sad, regardless of anything else.

 

Can you reach out to someone who really cares about her and ask for advice or assistance? Someone other than you (no offence) may be able to persuade her to go to counseling? it may be too late to fix your marriage, but there is still time for her to get the help she needs, if she 's willing.

 

And of course IC for you is a must; you will probably have to deal with some harsh home truths about yourself but it sounds like you need to embark on that journey of self recovery asap for your personal well being and peace of mind.

[anika99]

Based on his detailed description, and my similar experience, I think he's probably got it right. BPD is not difficult to recognize, but when they won't go near a psychologist for fear of being outed there will be no actual diagnosis. When it meets the "beyond a reasonable doubt" standard of evidence, as it does here, there's no point in dancing around whether or not it warrants the label.

 

 

 

Yup. You are correct, but probably not in the way you think. When a BPD manages to stay in a relationship/marriage for any length of time, it's because the partner is codependent. This means they enable the behavior by compensating for it, covering it up, sucking it up, ignoring the fact that their needs aren't being met, and allowing themselves to be slowly diminished by buying into the narrative that they are never doing enough or else she's be happy and appreciative like a normal person.

 

 

 

Mike, I can relate to almost every word you wrote (except for the flirting and social media stuff). I was married to a high-functioning BPD for 23 years. I've been divorced for nine years. We were even care-taking for my mother for a couple of years. Mine worked but she had a credit card habit that kept us behind the eight-ball most of the time. Most of all, I relate to the way you have to be the one to keep peace, the inability for her to express affection normally, and feeling the need to "unlink" mentally and emotionally.

 

I don't have time to write a novel here today, so I am going to refer you to some resources. Firstly, use the search function to find the numerous threads created on this topic. Use advanced search to find threads that user "Downtown" has participated in. Secondly, if you do not own a copy of the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells," order it today. Third, absolutely you need to be in individual counseling.

 

Forget about couples counseling. She won't go, and even if she did she'd sabotage it and blame you. It would be a waste of time and money. However, exploring your own stuff is REALLY important, and you can absolutely save yourself. She could probably benefit form individual counseling, DBT specifically (dialectical behavioral therapy), which helps with coping skills, accepting more personal responsibility, and mitigating some of the behaviors.

 

So, the key question for you is why do you not think enough of yourself to refuse to dedicate your life to this enabler role you play for her? Why is her happiness (or relative peace) so much more important than than YOUR happiness? Is the answer that you don't believe you're worthy, except in this role? If you truly believed that you deserve a fulfilling marriage, you would've refused this role... and that means that you would've either never married her to begin with, or you'd have gotten out upon recognizing that you can't thrive in this situation. This is something you must explore in therapy. You only get one life to live––why did you choose this, continue to, and based on your post... plan to until the end.

 

The key to dealing with her is setting boundaries. Do not engage with her threats or tantrums. Let her go through the spin cycle all by herself. Say how you feel using "I" statements, for example... "I'm sorry you feel that way." Don't argue or give her fodder for an argument. Just look at her and say nothing and let her scream and yell without reacting at all. Man, does that ever confuse them when after 20 years of controlling through the threat of a tantrum, it no longer works.

 

If you have further questions, ask and I'll try to give you the benefit of my experience. I know where you are right now. My revelations came when I started browsing the Psych section in B&N (knowing something was wrong) and found the precise description of her disorder. The next day I made an appointment with a counselor and started unraveling the puzzle. The upside is, you can learn to be yourself again, and you can even manage her to a degree. But this will inevitably come a point where you have to decide whether to dedicate the rest of your life to managing (enabling) her disorder, or taking another shot at self-fulfillment.

 

Totally agree with every word above. Another great resource is website called BPDFamily. That site has great reading material and a forum that is laid out in a similar format to Love Shack. There you will find the understanding you need. On regular forums you will have people responding as if you are just having normal relationship issues or telling you that you are at fault somehow. As someone who spent years with a BPD man I get how you can be defeated no matter how hard you try. You can't change a BPD person, nothing you do will ever make a difference.

 

The only thing you can do is to consistently set boundaries and don't try to reason or explain or use logic because it just backfires big time and you end up getting dragged into circular ridiculous arguments. Stop Walking on Eggshells does a great job of explaining this. Good luck

[chillii]

The external butter wouldn't melt in my mouth is their mask from what l've studied and been through personally.

That alone is a very common trait.

Most other people outside of your home would never believe what she's really like and that's exactly what she wants.

They're particularly good at casual stuff where no body gets to close.

[salparadise]

Man ... the thing that wore me down (among many!) was that she would put up a front (as your partner does) in front of other people.

 

When we'd have her family to our house for holiday dinners, my ex-w used to ask if I wanted a refill on my tea, or seconds of this or that, as if she was the most caring, doting wife a man ever had. Then as soon as they left and the door closed––boom!

 

It would inevitably be something I said or did. The reality was that she was super stressed and insecure. Absolute perfection was required, and she never felt that anything was good enough.

 

I always dreaded the holidays. vacations, or anyone coming to visit. It always resulted in a huge tantrum due to her insecurities and the need to create the illusion of perfection, which of course never happened. Thus a major blowup, and always my fault.

 

anika99 is correct. Only those who have lived it, survived, and recovered can truly understand it. Even therapists will only have a generalized, abstract notion of what it's like to be in such a marriage or relationship.

 

I truly do not believe that it's possible to save such a relationship. Your only real option is to get out. There comes a point when the codependent realizes this. Hopefully it's before they are diminished to a small blob of protoplasm.

[Quintets]

Hi Mike,

 

My wife is a diagnosed BPD and most of those symptoms sound very familiar to my experience.

 

The suicide threats. Afraid you'll leave her. Loss of confidence. Threatened by you caring for other family members. Super happy highs and ultra sad lows which last a little longer than you'd think necessary. It's not bipolar, where the highs and lows last for weeks and months. BPD swings can last hours to days.

 

The best book I read, actually only one, is "I Love You, Don't Leave Me" by Jerold Kreisman. He discusses the underlying emotional experience of the BPD in a way that non-BPDers understand. Another name is emotional regulation dysfunction. Most research say it's environmental - the poor childhood might have something to do with it. But a growing number seems to say it may be partly genetic. That might give you some other perspectives.

 

How you want to handle it is up to you. Staying in the relationship, I can't see how you could avoid managing as well as enabling it. It takes alot of my emotional energy and focus on boundaries and what you want in the relationship on a day to day, almost moment to moment.

 

I agree with others that Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (Marcia Linehan) is THE BEST therapy for BPD.

 

I disagree that couples counselling won't help. We've had some and she was okay with it, and I specifically went for an Imago Therapist(based on Getting the Love you Want- Harville Hendrix). They have some excellent listening exercises which put both of you on the same level playing field to hear each other.

[olivetree]

From your OP, a lot of what you described isn't defining characteristics of BPD at all.

Thus, I'm not sure it's helpful for you to view your wife through that lens.