Wife constantly trying to redirect me

[Riblet]

My wife and I have been married for about 3 years. If I am sitting on the couch on the weekend and I get up to do something, like clean up the garage, do yardwork, etc., my wife will immediately suggest I do something else and then get mad if I continue to do what I set out to do in the first place. If I had just sat on my ass, there would have been no problem and no arguement.

 

We have had really old barstools that came with the house we bought around 8 months ago and recently I decided to get rid of the old ones that neither of us liked and replace them. She didn't like the ones that I chose originally and she suggested a few other options. I drove 1.5 hours each way to pick up one of the options she suggested and now she doesn't like those either and I have to return them. This pisses me off. Had I just done nothing then I wouldn't have had to deal with any of this and those two old barstools would still be sitting at the bar.

 

I guess I am losing the desire to try to make any improvements because it causes way more headache than its worth. Anyone else run into a similar situation?

[PRW]

This is just symptoms of some other area that she is dissatisfied with you over.

 

You are probably also a pushover. If you stood up for yourself,...without being angry, before it gets to that point it may help. When you came back with the barstools that she wanted,...and then didn't want after they arrived,...you could have stood your ground by just saying that you liked them and thought they were a good choice. This is not an angry response, it is just a decisive one. If she insisted that she didn't like them, then hand her the receipt and tell her she can go exchange them herself tomorrow if she'd like.

 

If you are cleaning the garage and she wants you to mow the yard, and gets mad if you finish the garage first then you just need to stand your ground, finish the garage, then mow the yard. You are still doing what she asked, but more on your terms. Again, do it without anger. If she throws a fit tell her, "The mower is right there",...but say it calmly.

 

Anyway, I suspect there is way more to this story and the truth of it, whatever that might be, could change my responses to it. But I'm pretty sure there is more going on. However I am not interested in what you think is wrong with her,...she didn't write in,...we can't fix her. You are the one that wrote in, so you would be the focus in whatever I thought you could do better. Women are responders,...often the man correcting something in his behavor will change the response that comes from the woman.

[BaileyB]

We have had really old barstools that came with the house we bought around 8 months ago and recently I decided to get rid of the old ones that neither of us liked and replace them. She didn't like the ones that I chose originally and she suggested a few other options. I drove 1.5 hours each way to pick up one of the options she suggested and now she doesn't like those either and I have to return them. This pisses me off.

 

Is there a reason why she can not return the bars stools if she is not happy with them... it would be the natural consequence for her decision.

[preraph]

Tell her if she doesn't like them, it's her turn to make the trip. And you need to sit down when calm and discuss about her redirecting you. Now, I can't tell if what she's redirecting you to makes sense or not. Like, maybe housework needs to be done way worse than the garage or the yard. If it is a division of chores issue, you should both sit down and agree what needs to be done and split it up. She may feel you're just choosing to do only the chores you enjoy and that she has to tell you she needs help. Marriage counseling might help.

 

This stool thing, if she is who's deciding what stools, she should be the one to go do it, all of it, and you can help her unload them.

[basil67]

You need to learn to be assertive. And to learn the word "No".

 

If she doesn't like the bar stools she asked you to buy, then tell her to take them back.

 

She wants you to do a job you weren't planning on? That one needs more context. Are we talking about things which could reasonably be considered a higher priority than tending to the garden? Or are the things of equal or lesser priority.

[BettyDraper]

Have you spoken to your wife about this issue?

 

It seems like she is a bit controlling and possibly lacks respect for you.

I say this because your wife is treating you like a child.

 

Sometimes spouses need to learn that we cannot make each other do anything.

[d0nnivain]

She may not realize she is doing this.

 

When you get up to do something & she suggests you do something else, calmly point out to her that she often derails you & ask her why. You need to calmly & quietly discuss this. It seems like it may be fixable but also that it will destroy your marriage if you ignore it. You can't just let the resentment build. That is not healthy.