indicators of a future failed relationship?

[chicaboom]

I'm hoping that some of the older loveshack users who have been in long term relationships can help shed some light on my situation.

 

I'm currently in a great relationship. it's been 3 years now. We're both in our early/mid 30s.

 

For the most part everything is great. Except 2 things which are worrying me:

 

1. We have pretty different political views. He's conservative (fiscally and socially). I'm more liberal...somewhat fiscally conservative but pretty liberal socially. We debate each other on a lot of different topics b/c we are on different ends of the spectrum. For example (very simplistic example), he believes we shouldn't take in as many refugees until we can help ourselves. I believe that we should try to help as many people as we can within reason. The list goes on...

 

For the most part we can agree to disagree and I have learned a lot from him and I think vice versa. He has shed light on a lot of different topics which has made me rethink some of my opinions on them. However, for people who have been in relationships like this for the long haul, do you think this might be a deal breaker down the line? Are we too different to be together?

 

I see some of my other friends in relationships who are on the same page politically and It seems so much easier. I'm worried that our differing opinions will eventually be too hard to bridge.

 

2. Sexually it's pretty good. Not the best I've experienced. Sometimes he will have trouble staying hard and I know this is b/c he's from a generation of boys/men who are used to watching porn and have watched so much of it that they are used to a certain way/stimulation. He's not the first guy I've encountered with this issue. I've googled this and I am worried that eventually this will be an issue for us. He asked me if he thought he should see his doctor, but he's so young I don't want him going on medications for this right now until we try other methods.

 

 

Anyways, all this to say, what do you think? This is probably too much info to share haha, but I am interested in what others think, especially those who have been in similar situations.

 

Everything else is fantastic though. We are intellectually matched, he treats me like gold and my mom loves him haha.

[d0nnivain]

My husband & I are of different political parties. My parents were too. If you can agree to disagree & you are open to rethinking your position you should be fine. I am not saying you have to change your mind, just mull it over with the new info.

 

As for the sex, age takes a toll. If you are both loving, again you should be able to muddle through.

[lana-banana]

It really depends. If you feel some of his opinions involve disrespect or contempt for other people, that could be a deal-breaker (because how could you stay with someone you think is cruel or condescending?); on the other hand, if it's more about numbers and theory, you can probably make it work. If you ever find yourself repulsed by their opinion, that is a degree of separation you won't be able to bridge.

 

Politics is one place where people do change. In my 20s I dated several self-described libertarians and while some moved left, others moved hard right to the point where they talked about how maybe different races were naturally more or less intelligent. Obviously that was my cue to get the hell out. For what it's worth, over four years my husband went from "centrist" to "basically Bernie Sanders". I have to admit being more closely aligned politically has made our lives much easier, but I didn't really drive it. He was just disgusted by what he saw on Reddit and the political scene more generally.

[central]

If your differences lead to disrespect or contempt, then the relationship is very likely to fail. If you can debate issues without becoming angry or contemptuous, then you have a good chance of working through - together - almost any life issues that arise.

 

Of course, it's easier if you share similar views and values, and a fair number of goals and interests that allow you to work together and relax together. Not ALL the time, but much of the time.

[Mr. Lucky]

Unless you're both at the extremes (Abolish ICE! Build a wall around the entire country!), the political aspect shouldn't be a big deal. My spouse more liberal than I, just makes for some interesting discussions.

 

Sometimes he will have trouble staying hard and I know this is b/c he's from a generation of boys/men who are used to watching porn and have watched so much of it that they are used to a certain way/stimulation. He's not the first guy I've encountered with this issue. I've googled this and I am worried that eventually this will be an issue for us.

 

Seems like you've started with a conclusion and worked backwards from there. What you're describing isn't a common problem in a healthy sexual relationship, are you sure there aren't other issues underfoot?

 

Mr. Lucky

[central]

As for sex, wanting to please each other and listening to what the other wants and needs in order to provide it, is a good sign for an ongoing healthy connection. Not listening, not making an effort, being selfish - or lazy - bodes poorly for the future.

[Guildford]

We have been married for 50 years, my wife voted for Hillary and I voted for Trump. We do have our political discussions and since the last election they sometimes have become heated. I don't believe I have seen the country this divided even during the Vietnam war. I believe that this is due to the internet and people who thrive on sewing discord. There are political operatives out there who want you to reject anyone who does not go along with the party line.

 

This all makes a relationship with someone holding contrary views more difficult. If you want to continue your relationship, you must reject these political operatives and opinionated people, and respect your partner's views. Do not make politics the grounds for breaking up this relationship. The people who are pushing you to breakup because of your partner's views are the ones destroying our democracy.

[chicaboom]

Unless you're both at the extremes (Abolish ICE! Build a wall around the entire country!), the political aspect shouldn't be a big deal. My spouse more liberal than I, just makes for some interesting discussions.

 

 

 

Seems like you've started with a conclusion and worked backwards from there. What you're describing isn't a common problem in a healthy sexual relationship, are you sure there aren't other issues underfoot?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well it's what he's told me he's noticed about himself. So I'm taking it for face value. I suppose it could be something else.

[Lotsgoingon]

The political disagreement is a tough one ... but I think the question comes down to ... can you at night, climb in bed with this person, feeling this is one of the world's most wonderful people? Can you do that?

 

Or can you find in the person's actions and character some reflection of your political views? Your bf might not want to take in more refugees ... but if a refugee landed at the door ... or he saw someone in distress on the street, would he help them? And feel ok about that?

 

I'm just sharing some ideas I've come up with ... not sure these would work for you ...

 

On sex, your job is NOT to be understanding ... One more time, do NOT be so understanding. Your job is to make sure that this relationship gives you all the sexual satisfaction and joy you want ... and if it doesn't, do NOT hide that disappointment or else you will be ignoring a huge red flag and you will be neglecting yourself in a fundamental component of romance.

 

So if he needs to go to a doctor to please you, let him go. He needs to stop asking your permission and just do it. If he doesn't want meds, he needs to contact a therapist with experience with sexual dysfunction. Bottom line: HE needs to get off his butt to deal with that issue ... You do not want to do this work for him ...

 

One reason you don't wanna be overly "nice" here ... is because inability to maintain an erection could be a sign of other emotional problems ... that the person isn't that into you ... has conflicts over sex ... has only fantasies of domination sex ... or that he has sex with someone else ... This issue could be a huge red flag ... if so, you want to make sure you allow that red flag to emerge and be seen.

 

Obviously, you don't want to brutally to the pressure.

 

But you do want to not fake that, "Oh, this isn't so bad. Take your time." No! This is a problem, and he needs to address it.

 

He needs to own this and deal with it ... not you! ...

 

Plus, you literally cannot "fix" this ... He needs to fix it ... with your support of course.

 

FYI: I'm usually Mr. Understanding ... but I've heard too many stories from friends about people with this problem ... and none of them turned out well when the gf simply said, "I can wait. Everything is OK."

[Mardelis]

Why does politics have to affect a relationship to the point that it's a dealbreaker?

 

 

Think about it- your 2 votes isn't going to change anything so whether you vote for the same party or you cancel out each other's votes the world will still rotate around it's axis and nothing is really going to change.

 

 

You don't have to approve of the other's choice for office, you can even have healthy debates about why you think that person is right, or wrong, or whatever.

 

 

 

If you let the political arguments take over your relationships- I'm going to suggest there are bigger issues here and that's not the only thing a couple is going to argue about. There are things that matter a whole lot more to a couple or family on a daily bases than whether it's Trump or Hilary in office.