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Anxiety affecting my relationship


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Old 7th August 2018, 11:42 AM   #1
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Anxiety affecting my relationship

I'll try not to be too long-winded but I might need to be in parts.
Basically, I have a history of anxiety and being unsure of everything. Growing up, I was constatly worried about my younger brother who has grown up with an illness, and when I was 11 my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. They were both sources of great worry for me.

Usually, I can handle everything because I'm "used" to being worried. However, when I get really bad, it manifests itself in not being able to, or at least struggling, to sleep. Over four years ago, I got very stressed and was struggling badly to sleep. I was in a very happy five-year relationship and my anxiety was affecting this. But I got through it, and all of a sudden, I was dumped completely out of the blue. To say I was crushed is an understatement.
Eight months later, my mum died after battling cancer for 14 years. In the year or so after this, I simply moved from fling to fling - only after sex. I then met what is now my current girlfriend. She said she wanted just a casual relationship at the start and I was very happy with this. However, it became clear she was developing feelings, but I was still in 'single mode' mindset.

I did like her, but after a while I broke it off because I wasn't ready for a relationship. After I did this, I more or less immediately regretted it because she's such a good person who didn't deserve it. I asked her for another chance, and thankfully, she gave me it. We've been together ever since.
However, as throughout my life, I always question everything. Do I love her? Do I love her enough? What if I'm only convincing or tricking myself? A million negative thoughts. They popped up from time-to-time with my ex, and were a source of anxiety. But I could usually let them slide off and not bother me too much.
Even though I question my love intermittently, for a long time now I've been feeling so good about the relationship. I know I love her, even though it feels a bit different than my first girlfriend. I was told love never feels the same. I've never been happier than I have been lately and she's the greatest woman, aside from my mum, that I've ever known. I've even thought about asking her to marry me.

We're even expecting a child, which although is a bit scary, I was very excited about. She is an absolute star but I suddenly starting feeling empty and said to myself "if you truly love someone, you wouldn't be questioning it" and I've been beating myself up. When I have bad thoughts, I feel like I won't sleep, so when I get to bed I struggle. It's like a domino effect. Life has been stressful later, my dad had a life-saving operation two months ago, which I handled well.

But how could I be so happy and excited, now I feel like I'm at rock bottom? It's shaken my world. Everything I was looking forward to, even just a week or two ago, I feel "meh" about.
What do I need to do? have I just let myself get worked up and over-reacted? Would taking anti-anxiety meds help? I could go into a lot more detail, but that's the jist.
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Old 7th August 2018, 12:01 PM   #2
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I'm very sorry for the loss of your mom. It sounds like you are suffering from fear of abandonment. You prefer to end things before they fall apart on you and when you're happy you start questioning yourself because if you're that happy something must be wrong.

I think you would benefit a great deal from personal therapy before even thinking of meds.

You're happy right? She is an amazing woman and she enhances your life like you'd never imagine, so why questioning yourself if it's true love or not? The goal in life is *reaching happiness*, you have it, enjoy it.




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Old 7th August 2018, 12:14 PM   #3
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Thanks Gaeta, that makes a lot of sense. I just wonder why I've let this bother me so much all of a sudden. I'm so disappointed in myself because I was doing very well
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Old 7th August 2018, 12:37 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Panatana90 View Post
Thanks Gaeta, that makes a lot of sense. I just wonder why I've let this bother me so much all of a sudden. I'm so disappointed in myself because I was doing very well

Because you let your mind get the best of you.



I'm hypochondriac, if I let my mind get the best of me I will diagnose myself with different terminal illnesses before the end of the day. When I feel my mind wondering in that direction I stop myself by switching my attention to something else. It's not only mental, it's physical, I will get up, stretch, sing a happy song, make myself think of something happy.
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Old 7th August 2018, 5:07 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Panatana90 View Post
What do I need to do? have I just let myself get worked up and over-reacted? Would taking anti-anxiety meds help? I could go into a lot more detail, but that's the jist.
Panatana90, it surprises me you've been dealing with this your entire life and never sought treatment for it. You've never seen a counselor or therapist?

Get off the Internet and into the office of a professional. There are a number of treatments and approaches for successfully dealing with your anxiety and you're only holding yourself back by not getting help...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 7th August 2018, 7:50 PM   #6
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Seriously get to treatment yesterday.

And I support meds for people who need quick relief ... but I do think therapy is the best because ultimately you need to learn to work with your mind ... even if you are on meds.

It's like your brain is racing so fast, you can take your own emotional temperature ... because the temperature abruptly shifts ... No wonder you're confused ... I have a friend with serious anxiety. He's getting treated, but frankly he needs more treatment.

He'll not just worry ... but obsess about stuff that really isn't worth it.

Get to a therapist ... CBT is great for anxiety treatment.
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Old 8th August 2018, 1:56 PM   #7
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There are a lot of things coming together. But everything can be solved.
When you are in worrying thoughts, it means you are in your mind space, consumed by your thoughts. Even more so, you are identifying with your thoughts.
The important thing to remember is that you are not your thoughts. When you can detach yourself from your thoughts, you have done the first step.

Another thing is the state of worry itself. You have practiced this over that past years, for a very long time. This state gives you stability because you know it and you know what to do in it.

This is your comfort zone and you don't want to leave it. And leaving it would mean to make a bold decision and not be worried anymore, take full responsibility for your life and your relationship. That can be very scary because there is a lot of uncertainty in it, which clashes with your comfort zone.
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Old 12th August 2018, 12:27 AM   #8
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I used to have anxiety. But 6 years ago started taking escitalopram. It has saved my life. I also take Temazapam when I have insomnia, just take it for a few nights. It puts you back into your normal sleep pattern.

I recommend drugs. They work. About 6 times a year I see a physcologist too.
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