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Where is it all going?


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 5th August 2018, 6:07 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
It should be noted he has the right to spend his own money any way he pleases. Just as the OP has the right to rethink the relationship if she doesn't agree with those decisions.

As has already been stated, issues like this are much harder to address after you've said "I do"...

Mr. Lucky
Could not agree more.
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Old 6th August 2018, 3:11 PM   #17
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I appreciate all your feed back on this issue. There is a lot to respond to in the commentary but the long in short of it is that I have had and tried to have serious talks about "our future". I am not one to easily get carried away with emotions so I attempt to make these conversations as calm and productive as I can. The problem is that he never has any real answers. I let this go the first two times but called him out on it since then. A non-answer is now what speaks volumes.

I am not naive to the fact that the wedding is of small concern it the grand scheme of things. It is just one more annoying fact of the reality of the situation. I am still waiting for him to get enough money so we can move into our place. I will not move in together until he gets it together financially. I have had these feelings for a while and find myself struggling to put a definitive end to the relationship.

When we were still in the dating process I made sure to have all those important talk ahead of time so that there was no confusion on either side. He always agreed that I was better at handling finances so that would be left to me. Unfortunately, I feel like I was sold a false bill of goods because at least then he had it covered or at least on the surface. Its a hard situation because although we are getting married we are not yet married so its not like he has to show me everything. I will admit I may balk if I was in his position. Although if I ask for specifics he generally will provide me with answers.

As for the VA stuff. He is considered a 100% disabled and has filed paperwork for such benefits but it is a long process. This is his third time filing as they claimed the last time he was missing documentation which he originally provided. I am not familiar with how it works so I just remind him to check up on it every couple of months.
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Old 6th August 2018, 6:26 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by snapshotwonder View Post
Its a hard situation because although we are getting married we are not yet married so its not like he has to show me everything. I will admit I may balk if I was in his position.
I'm not sure I agree with either this statement or the approach it implies. If you wait until you're married to be "shown everything", it's too late if your partner been less than forthcoming. It doesn't make sense during an engagement to hold back sexually, emotionally or spiritually - why hold back financially?

Mr. Lucky
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Old 6th August 2018, 7:43 PM   #19
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I think I may have not explained myself as clearly as I may have intended.I think it was more about the implication of trust in not having to reveal a full financial history. Under normal circumstance where there were no financial issues I don't think I would press for bank statements but seemingly take him at his word for how much he may or may not have. I would definitely ask what the numbers are or any other important details but I would not necessarily need the paperwork to back it up.The reason being if you can not trust who you are with then you should not be with them.

I understand that even getting engaged would suggest the idea of transparency. I have never had a reason not to trust him. There has never been any sneaky or secretive behavior, no lying or the like. It should also be noted I have also never outright asked to see the paperwork. I have asked questions about how much, what was your check this pay period, what is saved, etc. Now I need to and will ask. I had hoped he would get a handle on it before I had to.
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Old 9th August 2018, 11:37 AM   #20
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Quote:
As for the VA stuff. He is considered a 100% disabled and has filed paperwork for such benefits but it is a long process. This is his third time filing as they claimed the last time he was missing documentation which he originally provided. I am not familiar with how it works so I just remind him to check up on it every couple of months.

How would he get a rating without completing the process? The fact that you have to remind him to follow up on getting money that he is entitled to is a big red flag.
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Old 9th August 2018, 9:01 PM   #21
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Frankly, it would be smart if we added an engagement ritual: Show each other our financial records.

The thorny issue of finances pre-marriage lies with the fact that often we lie to ourselves about our finances.

How are your finances: I'm all right. Yeah right.

Since it is so easy to lie to ourselves, it makes sense if we really showed our financial records to a partner ahead of time--a chance to get us to stop lying to ourselves--and to avoid lying and misleading a future spouse.

True story: a friend of mine--and I don't know how he got away with this--somehow misled his soon-to-be fiance about his finances. I say "misled" because I don't think she ever directly asked him details of his financial situation.

So my buddy was procrastinating on popping the question, asking her to get married. His problem wasn't so much ambivalence as the reality that he simply didn't have the money to afford an engagement ring and for whatever immature reason, refused to come clean.

So girlfriend sets a deadline on him. Propose to me by X date or I'm outta here.

I thought for sure my buddy would take this deadline as an opportunity to come clean about his money problems. He didn't. They schedule a dinner on the night of her deadline, and he goes into the dinner--where he was supposed to present a ring--and finally tells her that he doesn't have money to buy her a ring.

She flips at first ... but then calms down ... This woman is incredibly organized around money and a huge saver. So she picks out the ring she wants, and puts him on a monthly payment plan. I kid you not. But frankly, I'm not sure my buddy was able to follow through on the payment plan because he lost his job sometime during this period.

Anyway, they are married now ... he found a really good job ... I haven't asked if he has fully paid off the ring--to his wife!
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