Community Forums

Reload this Page Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships

Marriage and Finances: Importance of Equals

Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

Like Tree41Likes
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 28th July 2018, 6:32 PM   #31
Established Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Antipodes
Posts: 12,767
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Of course, but if you are a stay at home spouse you do these things for a partner to free up the partner's after work time. If somebody is home it makes sense for them to do all the laundry so when the person who works outside of the house comes home the couple can spend time together. It's not totally about commoditizing housework but it is part of the dynamic if the couple makes the joint decision for one person to stay home, especially for child care. If you both work you will have to find somebody to watch the kids. That will have a cost.

Where I live child care can be as much as $15,000 per year. Somebody making $25,000 per year probably only brings home $19,000 so does it really make sense to do all that work for a $4,000 net AND have somebody else raise your kids? That $4,000 may not even be enough for gas, car insurance & routine maintenance.

Every couple works this out differently but getting married does not automatically make you subordinate to your spouse, emotionally, financially or sexually.
Exactly. As someone who's always had a 'job' rather than a 'career', the cost of childcare would have made working prohibitive for me even if I hadn't been a carer.

Despite not having an income, I am very much an equal in the marriage.
basil67 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th July 2018, 8:43 AM   #32
Established Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 708
Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
Exactly. As someone who's always had a 'job' rather than a 'career', the cost of childcare would have made working prohibitive for me even if I hadn't been a carer.

Despite not having an income, I am very much an equal in the marriage.

I don't think being a housewife is for everyone. Some women feel the need to have "careers." I don't. Like you, I had lots of jobs that maybe some women might consider a career but I just felt like they were a stressful and hateful time eater. I needed to bring money in so I HAD to work now staying home is an option but that could change in a second.

I take my role as housewife seriously and I enjoy this privilege of being able to keep the home clean and organized. Not everyone loves KonMari like me though.
brigit87 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th July 2018, 8:50 AM   #33
Established Member
d0nnivain's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 34,026
In contrast I'm a career woman who owns my own company. DH & I don't have kids. I could never be a housewife. I'd be bored but that doesn't mean it's not a noble thing to do.

A friend from college decided to stay home after they got married but before kids. A lot of people gave her grief. I asked a Q when I found out: "Who's choice was it for you to stay home?" She said hers & I wished her well. She said she was shocked because she thought of all people I'd be the most upset by her decision. I assured her that if she was happy I was happy but if she had even hinted that her husband was "making" her stay home I'd have a lot to say. They eventually had a special needs son who is non-verbal so she needed to be there. Several years ago she opened her own business & they have help with their son. At every stage they made decisions that are right for their family. That is really what a good marriage is about -- two people working together for the good of the whole.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th July 2018, 11:13 AM   #34
Established Member
Elswyth's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 27,283
Originally Posted by BettyDraper View Post
I believe that those who are happy and confident in their decisions do not need to judge others for taking different paths.

That is what I learned when I lost "friends" for becoming a housewife.

How the OP equates being financially dependent with servitude and reluctant sex is beyond me.

Having a career does not protect anyone from sexual difficulties.

Pretty much this. In fact, most of the highly strife-laden marriages I've known were among couples where BOTH people were working long hours. The stress and combined lack of time at home really adds up, and resentment can build very quickly. (Obviously, this is not to say that such marriages are inherently bad, just that they need to take extra steps to mitigate the stress/discordance IMO.)

I love my career, but I'm also happy with the work-life balance that I have now, and I don't feel the need to prioritize my career more or work longer hours just so I can earn the same amount as the SO does. I think that would actually be detrimental to our relationship and my life in general.
~Perfection is about accepting that we cannot control everything and letting go of some of our preconceived notions.~ -Spiritofnow-
Elswyth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th July 2018, 11:42 AM   #35
Established Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 1,059
I agree with Elswyth and dOnnivan. About a year ago, I left my high-stress job and became a part-time consultant. Because I work in an industry where consultants are highly compensated, it wasnít a financial hit for us. But I LOVE working part time and focusing more on my home and family. Even though itís just the two of us, I love being able to keep our lives and house organized, make better meals and overall reduce the stress level for both of us at home. I still enjoy my career and get professional satisfaction, but I found that incredibly elusive ďwork-life balanceĒ that I needed.

For my husband, me working less has benefited him as well. Yes, I mostly benefit but he told me recently that life is so much better these days. Things are just much more calm and comfortable.

Do I regret no longer being a CEO? Heck no! I had my time. I proved a lot about and to myself. But my life - and our life - has such a different perspective now. It is so very much better.

I think when you get married, you slowly start - and it is an evolution - blending your lives into one life. At that point, the needs of the family - with or without children - take precedence. No, one partner cannot dictate to the other about issues such as working and the relationship be wholly successful. But, as a partner in the relationship, I think your perspective changes on what you want and what you value. And as you value the life you are building more and more, you make changes to make that life the best that it can be. Each partner weighs in, compromises and gets benefits from these decisions. And the couple themselves have to decide what each partner needs to be fulfilled and empowered in the relationship. For some itís staying totally home. For others, itís working full-time. For me, itís working part-time and my husband still working full-time. Thatís what works for us. I have a personal pet peeve as a woman and as a feminist of women especially prescribing to each other what they should be doing in a relationship to make them feel fulfilled. If you want to work, do it. If you want to stay home, in my mind, you are no less a valuable resource to the family than if you worked.
georgia girl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd August 2018, 11:58 AM   #36
Established Member
Ruby Slippers's Avatar
Join Date: May 2008
Location: in the moment
Posts: 10,212
It's really only a concern if you want to quit work to focus on raising kids. I wouldn't do that unless married in a very solid, healthy, loving relationship.

Once the woman has kids and a certain amount of time in the marriage, the man is obligated to provide a certain level of support in case of divorce.

But even if I chose the stay-at-home mom route, I'd still invest a little time in keeping my marketable skills relevant, just in case things didn't work out.
Ruby Slippers is online now   Reply With Quote


Thread Tools
Display Modes


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Finances and marriage when you're older Popsicle Marriage & Life Partnerships 16 16th April 2017 10:22 AM
Crazy mess equals uncertainty equals she messed around Carnival55 Breaks and Breaking Up 9 22nd May 2015 3:40 PM
Finances and marriage Clep Marriage & Life Partnerships 9 4th April 2013 11:30 AM
Smiling and Laughing Equals Well Being ahsumgurl909 Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being 2 22nd February 2007 5:26 PM
Treated as Equals or Worshiped fauno General Relationship Discussion 6 10th September 2003 1:33 AM

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 1:45 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.

Copyright © 1997-2018 All Rights Reserved.