errrclii Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 What would you do if your fiancé did this: He was interviewing a person for his business. A young woman. I was down the hall in his office — doing some remote work for the day. He didn’t know I heard could hear him. I was down the hall and I guess he thought his voice was quiet. He told this woman about his health insurance - how he has 3 kids and they are ALMOST off child support. He joked about how he has 6 months left but he was so good to his ex — that she didn’t work for 8 years and that he gave her the house and took care of her… he told this woman that he was married to their mom and they separated, went on a cruise and she ended up pregnant with child number 3 (with a good time) and they chose to divorce shortly after. Then he mentioned me and called me his “current wife” and then went on and on about how my ex husband is a “nightmare” and that he just can’t wait until my child is grown and how he doesn’t want to deal with my ex anymore hahhahhahahhah The woman asked what I did for a living because he told her that I had a business he helped with…. but, he trashed my business partner for not liking him! Said that we were in the process of getting investors to get him out and that maybe soon we will be millionaires! They laughed and laughed. She apparently followed up after this interview and said she wanted the job…etc. And i can’t believe it. He also trashed his current person in her position and told this woman that she’s been out sick too much because she is pregnant and now has kidney stones. He went on and ON about how horrible she was… I am flipping shocked. I can’t believe he said all of this AND I can’t believe that this woman wants to work for him. I haven’t confronted him about this yet. I am trying to figure out how — I’m very mad that he said all of this about me, called me his “current wife” — complained about my business partner — trashed my ex….and talked about how he was SO good to his ex! WHAT WOULD YOU DO? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 I'd be livid. So first I'd calm down. Then I would talk to him about boundaries & confidentiality. I would not be comfortable with him working with her & it would really make me rethink marriage. I'd feel violated. If he discloses all this to a stranger during a job interview what the heck is going to be discussing with people he knows well -- your sexual positions & bowel movements. If he doesn't understand why this is a problem, you have to give serious thought to what comes next. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author errrclii Posted June 15, 2018 Author Share Posted June 15, 2018 Well, he is going to deny it. I know him. Also, what forgets is that we both have access to the office camera. (We both work there). I went back and listened to make sure I wasn't hearing things wrong. I was not. So, last night he told me he wanted to hire her etc. I said something about how I didn't know if she was the right person because she currently has a full time job and she is telling him outright that she wants to only answer calls half the day etc. he said "I think you just don't like her because I told you she looked professional and was very smart and had a lot of education" That I was just jealous. I didn't say anyting but I wanted to tell him what I heard. I KNOW he will tell me that I'm just jealous - and that he is who he is -- and that I want to control him. That is how he deals with me when he's done similar boundary things before. i just hate when he tells people about the conception of his third child -- I HATE that. And he doesn't seem to care. I'd be livid. So first I'd calm down. Then I would talk to him about boundaries & confidentiality. I would not be comfortable with him working with her & it would really make me rethink marriage. I'd feel violated. If he discloses all this to a stranger during a job interview what the heck is going to be discussing with people he knows well -- your sexual positions & bowel movements. If he doesn't understand why this is a problem, you have to give serious thought to what comes next. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 Him minimizing your feelings about this potential hire & the stories he often repeats about the conception of his 3rd child is a lousy foundation for a marriage. If you don't feel valued & cherished now, it won't get better. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author errrclii Posted June 15, 2018 Author Share Posted June 15, 2018 Is it fair for me to say I don't want him to hire her because of the information he disclosed and that it makes me uncomfortable? I guess I don't want to be controlling (as he will call me) but I am astounded by this... He says she's married and has a new baby etc...and I shouldn't be worried about her as a threat. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 In his mind, he was just blabbing and thinking he was charming - and, no doubt, flirting. What’s more concerning to me is how dismissive he is of you when you try to talk to him. Are you sure you want to marry him? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 I’m curious, is this an isolated incident or have you seen this kind of behaviour before? I have most certainly been known to put my foot in my mouth... more concerning for me would be the kinds of things he shared and the disrespectful tone of the conversation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author errrclii Posted June 15, 2018 Author Share Posted June 15, 2018 No he has said the part of his 3rd child’s conception before and he knows that it bothers me. He was not happy with my “control” of his speech...he just said I am overreacting etc He also made me very upset by saying that my ex was a nightmare. Would you call this flirting ? He kept calling me his wife. I’m guessing he does that so he doesn’t have to say he is on his third marriage (with me). I’m curious, is this an isolated incident or have you seen this kind of behaviour before? I have most certainly been known to put my foot in my mouth... more concerning for me would be the kinds of things he shared and the disrespectful tone of the conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 Not only am I appalled by the depth of his detail here (the conception of his child?!) but by the breadth. That's practically his life story, all told to a stranger who more than likely just wants to sign a form and get out the door. If I were the new employee I would be strongly reconsidering my decision to work there, becaise no discretion usually means no judgment. As his fiance I would be something worse than livid. He seems to have extreme problems about boundaries and propriety, and he doesn't respect you to boot. That's not a recipe for a good marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 I agree with the above advice given so far, his issue with boundaries is appalling. I also think you have issues with boundaries also, you eavesdropped to the point you felt the need to go back a review the video footage.. I hope you own the office because if your employer finds out you used their video footage for that you will be fired. IMO you should have stopped listening to the interview when you realized you were snooping but you can't put the genie back in the bottle and he revealed his lack of judgement and boundaries.. it seems he was bragging to me.. trying to impress her.. What should you do.. I think you both need to work on your respect for each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author errrclii Posted June 15, 2018 Author Share Posted June 15, 2018 I was stunned that it all happened too. The question is how do i bring it up? It won’t end well. I am so frustrated with so many things and this is just the icing on the cake. I think it’s time for me to go. This isn’t going to get better. I know that he will not say babe I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. And this won’t happen again. He will deny it. He will say I’m jealous. Controlling. And then say “if it’s so bad with me, then just leave me”. That’s something he says a lot. Would this be something that you would leave someone over? I know for a fact he won’t say that it is totally reasonable for me to ask him not to hire her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author errrclii Posted June 15, 2018 Author Share Posted June 15, 2018 It’s our office. We rent it. I was sitting in the next office. I could hear the conversation. How would i avoid hearing it? I was just sitting there. Yeah i listened in but i was sitting right there. He is so ridiculous he doesn’t realize that i could hear him. I agree with the above advice given so far, his issue with boundaries is appalling. I also think you have issues with boundaries also, you eavesdropped to the point you felt the need to go back a review the video footage.. I hope you own the office because if your employer finds out you used their video footage for that you will be fired. IMO you should have stopped listening to the interview when you realized you were snooping but you can't put the genie back in the bottle and he revealed his lack of judgement and boundaries.. it seems he was bragging to me.. trying to impress her.. What should you do.. I think you both need to work on your respect for each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 It’s our office. We rent it. I was sitting in the next office. I could hear the conversation. How would i avoid hearing it? I was just sitting there. Yeah i listened in but i was sitting right there. He is so ridiculous he doesn’t realize that i could hear him. that helps... then going back on the video isn't as bad and if you couldn't avoid it then the issue entirely stays on him... Didn't mean to jump to conclusions but you never know... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 You have to call him out... make yourself heard on how disrespectfully he treated you and your relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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