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Married a widower


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Old 6th March 2018, 11:55 AM   #1
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Married a widower

Second time around, this time with a widower. Been married for 4 years. The late wife's family is having a reunion in a different state this summer, and honestly, I could care less. My husband wants to go, which I am encouraging. Also the adult step kids are going. His relationship with his son is very strained. His adult children are renting a house together. My husband is having a real "rant" because I do not want to go. The past is the past, and being around the vicious step son is no picnic. My husband won't go alone, which is HIS issue. In addition, he told me he wants to try and reconnect with his son during the reunion. His son has yet to acknowledge our marriage. He has unrealistic expectations. It's been very stressful.

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Old 6th March 2018, 11:59 AM   #2
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Why so closed minded?

Go and do some sight seeing on your own, while he does his thing. Make a mini vacation of it.

Hell, maybe his family wants to meet you. Make some new friends. Live a little. Lighten up! We're only getting older.
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Old 6th March 2018, 12:07 PM   #3
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I am a widow, my husband died 5.5 years ago. I am getting married in May to a divorcee. I go to my late husband's family 1-2 times a year in the next state. I have always invited my new guy, and late husband's family always lets me know he is welcome.

Fiancee has not yet made the trip though. And I understand how he feels. It's not a fight worth having. It's beyond his comfort level and I respect that. So my kids and I take a long weekend a couple times a year and fiancee stays home and catches up on things he wants to do. Not a big deal in my eyes.

Your words of "I could care less" aren't very kind though. Explain to him in kind "I" words how you feel about the whole situation and offer some sort of compromise if you can think of one.

On the other hand a family reunion may not be the best place for your husband to try to work out his issues with his son either, so I can see why you are wary of that whole situation.
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Old 6th March 2018, 12:17 PM   #4
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My husband does not want to allow me any other viable option.
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Old 6th March 2018, 12:19 PM   #5
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How insightful that you understand how he feels, the comfort level is not the same for all individuals.
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Old 6th March 2018, 12:58 PM   #6
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My husband does not want to allow me any other viable option.
Is your husband this challenging to deal with in other aspects of your married life. Or, is this the only issue.

My mother has passed. My dad comes to her family events and his girlfriend is always invited. She comes because it's a strange situation - she was friends with my mom's sister (which caused a lot of grief for the first few years). It usually works out fine now, but it is certainly awkward for her and at times for my family. I would never force someone to attend if they were not comfortable... The family is part of "another life" that did not include the current spouse. No harm in going to the event alone. But - not everyone can do that... my father did not like it at all!

His attempt to reconnect with his son is a separate issue. I would think it would be BETTER for him if you were not there, as obviously the son has an issue with your presence. But, he wants your support. I get it - my dad was the same, he saw himself not as an individual but part of a whole... the thing is, after my mom passed, I wanted my dad - not this new "relationship" forced on me all the time. The more he forced it, the worse it got.

Good luck.

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Old 6th March 2018, 3:56 PM   #7
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I think you should go for sure.
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Old 7th March 2018, 11:52 AM   #8
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My husband does not want to allow me any other viable option.
Then I guess I'd go and try to have a good time. Be supportive of your spouse. Think of it as you showing him love, even though it's something you'd rather not do. Try to have a giving and supportive attitude and hope it strengthens your relationship that you will show him this support, since he clearly feels having you there is very important.
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Old 8th March 2018, 8:15 AM   #9
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You should go. A part of being married is sacrifice, and sometimes that means doing things with your spouse that you do not want to do.
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Old 8th March 2018, 10:33 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Excedrin PM View Post
My husband does not want to allow me any other viable option.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Excedrin PM View Post
How insightful that you understand how he feels, the comfort level is not the same for all individuals.
No one is able to give you anything other than generic advice unless you explain the reasons for the obvious hostility between extended family members.

Most people understand, with second marriages, the need to accommodate and adjust. So why is everyone - you included - so angry ?

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Old 8th March 2018, 1:19 PM   #11
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My husband does not want to allow me any other viable option.
I would go then. He may feel he needs you there for support in case things with his son don't go well.
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Old 19th March 2018, 2:42 PM   #12
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At my insistence, he will be going. As for me, hanging around strangers who will compare/contrast me to their departed loved one for an entire week is above and beyond the realm of martial duty...and that's called "healthy boundaries". Have a great day.
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