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Are women more attracted to their partners when they show backbone?


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 4th March 2018, 7:27 PM   #16
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The most important non physical element in a woman's attraction is respect and if you want others to respect you then respect yourself. Too many men confuse this with being a jerk. I am one of the nicest and most generous guys you can meet but try to do me wrong and I will shut it down. No boot will ever be on my neck but I won't put my boot on anybody's neck.
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Old 16th March 2018, 8:50 AM   #17
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When things are too calm, our sex life suffers

It's been said that if men are nice/sweet with their wives, help out with chores, etc., the sex life is bound to be better.

In my case, ironically, it seems to be the exact opposite.

My wife and I have been together for 13 years. I've noticed that when things are very tranquil in the relationship, our sex life is slower/quieter.

However, when we're fighting more, we're having a lot more sex -- and intense sex at that.

I don't want to be arguing with my wife, but when things slow down, I feel the urge to stir up some tension in order to get the sexual wheels rolling again.

I just told her this morning that I don't feel she's been initiating/providing foreplay as much as she was in prior months. Her excuse was that the time change has thrown her off. Well, around this time last year, we were fighting a lot and having sex more frequently than ever before, and she made no mention of the time change then.

Because I mentioned it, well, chances are pretty good that she might initiate later today. She doesn't like to see me upset and knows she can right the ship with a good roll in the hay.

I've made an effort in recent weeks to be sweeter and more romantic, with little gestures like sending her ecards. Just this past weekend I did all the laundry myself (which she usually does).

And yet, the sex has actually declined. She knows it means a lot to me when she initiates sex once in a while. She was doing it a lot over the past few months, but lately she's become more reliant on me again to do almost everything.

I thought that being sweeter and more attentive would lead to more intimacy, but it doesn't seem that way at all. I seem to get more of it when I show I'm upset/put her in her place, not to mention that she initiates a lot more. (In other words, when I'm being more alpha than beta.)

It appears sex is more reactive than anything else as far as she's concerned -- she often uses it to "make up."

This is all just baffling to me. I want to be nice and sweet, but it doesn't get me laid like fighting and being assertive does.

I will say that during our flight to New York last year, when I was upset about about something she'd done, she admitted that she likes when I get riled up. And it's not the first time I have heard this; a girl I dated years ago said she liked when I was angry/assertive.

Can anyone explain why this happens?

Last edited by DoubleJM1; 16th March 2018 at 9:16 AM..
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Old 16th March 2018, 9:36 AM   #18
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Originally Posted by DoubleJM1 View Post
It's been said that if men are nice/sweet with their wives, help out with chores, etc., the sex life is bound to be better.
It's been said a lot and while studies tend to show either outcome it more often appears to be the untrue.

As for why this might happen. Might be that she doesn't have a strong sex drive or her sex drive for you is gone after all this time and she just uses it as a crutch to "fix" problems she sees?

Then again, might also be that "fights" and "conflict" make her see you as more of a man and thus more desirable with you asserting yourself. There's a whole plethora of possible reasons why she reacts as she does, as every person is different.
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Old 16th March 2018, 1:30 PM   #19
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I think it's just how some people are wired. Unfortunately, your wife seems to be one of those who thrives on drama and conflict. For every piece of advice, there are always outliers. Consider one common advice to women: "Don't get obese, or if you're obese, lose weight." Well, that might apply to many men, sure, but a woman who's with a man who likes BBWs might find that it worsens their sex life...

I guess you just have to consider if you're okay with having to stir up drama in order for your wife to want sex. Personally, I could never be with a person who thrives on that, but obviously it's up to you.
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Old 16th March 2018, 1:55 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by DoubleJM1 View Post
This is all just baffling to me. I want to be nice and sweet, but it doesn't get me laid like fighting and being assertive does.

Can anyone explain why this happens?
Sure, being assertive is being masculine, and being passive and sweet, well that is more feminine.

Many times us gals are attracted when our men act like MEN.

That said, what to know what the magic recipe is for me?

When my husband first starts priming me with some sexy (assertive) texts about how he can't wait to have me later. He isn't romancing me through these interactions (sweet) no, he is showing his LUST for me (assertive). Personally I love to be lusted after, it taps into that primordial thing for me. That results in that "intense sex" not "love making".

And when I come home, to find not only is he freshly showered, groomed and READY for me - but that also the house has been picked up, and dishes done

You mean I have this hot and ready lustful man that wants me, AND my responsibilities have been taken care of so I don't have to worry about them? OH BABY!

That means I can direct ALL of my attention on him. Show him I want, and also appreciate him. I will want to just spoil the hell out of him.

So maybe step up the assertiveness in addition to the sweet and nice.
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Old 16th March 2018, 2:43 PM   #21
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she admitted that she likes when I get riled up. And it's not the first time I have heard this; a girl I dated years ago said she liked when I was angry/assertive.
I learned the hard way when a woman says she likes to see you angry or upset you take her at her word.

Since this has happened to you before, perhaps consider the phrase, "people treat you the way you invite them to."

In my opinion anyone who wants to see a loved one upset or angry very likely suffers from some type of disorder.

You want to avoid those types.
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Old 16th March 2018, 3:31 PM   #22
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Moderation merged two threads on a similar topic; please continue discussion of the topic in this thread. There may be some duplicate/overlapping content. Thanks!
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Old 17th March 2018, 1:14 PM   #23
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Hey man! Thanks for sharing here! what I have seen with my wife is that she was attracted to me due to my confidence and transparency. If she does something that I don't agree with, I let her know in a very straightforward and respectful way! I don't yell or curse but She know when I am serious and over the years, we have learned from each other so, when we have disagreements that we cannot resolve in the moment or in front of the kids, we set them aside for bed time, and when we do, the reconciliation after that is very passionate! I don't think it is about being angry, I think this is about passion and showing your wife that you care about her, and that includes finding ways to help each other to be better and correct our bad habits and thoughts. Show your passion and be transparent! don't always try to win but make a clear point and be respectful! Keep moving forward my friend!
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