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So I told my boyfriend of 4 years he can’t sleep over


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vintagesangria

So my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and I have three kids - two of which live at home- ages 13,16,18. I’m 40 and he’s 49 - he has no kids. He told my kids and I he was moving in last year in the summer. He never moved in. Every time we would have an argument about it he says that’s why he wasn’t moving in. When he is angry he says he likes his bubble. When he’s not angry he says he doesn’t want to live with his brother and wants to move in. So he told me and the kids yesterday that he was going to be moving in around September. That is seven months away. Just doesn’t make sense. Why does he need 7 sevens? He says it’s to make improvements around my house. I have a four bedroom house that I own. Yes it needs improvements but nothing dramatic. So I told him today he can’t sleep over till we live together. It’s confusing for my kids that love him and they make comments about him not loving me enough to be committed. My kids are very smart. I just don’t want them to be confused anymore. And I think I’m making it too comfortable for him. Am I out of my mind or does this not sound like a normal idea? Help.

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What makes your boyfriend make such comments every time there is an argument?

Are your arguments full of verbal abuse?

 

If that's not the case, your boyfriend is not mature enough for the commitment of living with someone. He can't handle disagreements like an adult and he keeps stalling on moving in.

 

I'm wondering what your endgame is with having your boyfriend move in. Is it supposed to be a step towards marriage? If you would like to get married at some point, I don't think that you and your boyfriend are compatible because he won't even share a space with you.

 

I think it would be best to end the relationship at this point. Don't waste any more time.

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vintagesangria

Yes. They own the house together but yes have lived together for 25 years. Both single. Their house is paid for. Mine isn’t. But mine is worth double.

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He’s 49 and lives with his brother?

 

I thought this was suspect as well.

 

Maybe the OP's boyfriend comes from a culture where it is common to live with family members.

 

So far, this man sounds immature for his age. The OP has to fill in the blanks though.

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Yes. They own the house together but yes have lived together for 25 years. Both single. Their house is paid for. Mine isn’t. But mine is worth double.

 

That seems really odd to me. So he’s been single forever and no kids? Typically people like that don’t adapt well to moving into a house with kids that aren’t theirs. They aren’t used to someone other than themselves being the priority.

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vintagesangria

That might be. He seems lonely when I’m not in constant contact. He says he always wanted marriage and kids but never found the one till me.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

I think this guy is terrified of going from his peaceful and easy bachelor existence to living in a house with a woman and her kids. And rightly so....it's a HUGE change!

 

I think he's making excuses. And I think you're not wrong :).

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That might be. He seems lonely when I’m not in constant contact. He says he always wanted marriage and kids but never found the one till me.

 

Maybe so, but it sounds to me like he has commitment issues. If he really wants a family, after 4 years, he wouldn’t need 7 months. It’s not like he’s 22 with his whole life in front of him. This just doesn’t pass the smell test.

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vintagesangria

90% of our arguments are about spending time together or lack of transparency. Or my kids. Teens are hard. I had to kick my son out twice in the last year due to drug addiction. Which I told my boyfriend I understand if he can’t handle the stress but if I kicked my son out that means I need his support even more. I’m very close to my kids and it’s very hard to bear. Their birth dad is out of the picture by his own choosing. And parents are deceased. I don’t know why he gets closer than backs away. I even brought him to my counselor with me who has told him more than anything he needs to be there for me And not runaway. Then he is great for a month then reverts to single guy mode and will be gone all weekend on skate trips. All I can think of is his friends keep giving him bad advice. Did I mention that he is a skateboarder who does that as his big hobby and many of his friends are single and are pro skateboarders? We grew up in the same neighborhood but I never knew him given the age difference.

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90% of our arguments are about spending time together or lack of transparency. Or my kids. Teens are hard. I had to kick my son out twice in the last year due to drug addiction. Which I told my boyfriend I understand if he can’t handle the stress but if I kicked my son out that means I need his support even more. I’m very close to my kids and it’s very hard to bear. Their birth dad is out of the picture by his own choosing. And parents are deceased. I don’t know why he gets closer than backs away. I even brought him to my counselor with me who has told him more than anything he needs to be there for me And not runaway. Then he is great for a month then reverts to single guy mode and will be gone all weekend on skate trips. All I can think of is his friends keep giving him bad advice. Did I mention that he is a skateboarder who does that as his big hobby and many of his friends are single and are pro skateboarders? We grew up in the same neighborhood but I never knew him given the age difference.

 

Seems pretty clear he just hasn’t grown up and has made a habit of avoiding responsibility. Is he gainfully employed?

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Did I mention that he is a skateboarder who does that as his big hobby and many of his friends are single and are pro skateboarders?

 

A 49 year old never-married, no-kids, no-mortgage skateboarder having to choose between that lifestyle and a life with a "wife" and teens, at least one of who has a challenge? It is really not difficult to see what's going on here :(.

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vintagesangria

The other issue that has come up is he has so many ex-girlfriends I can’t keep track. And he doesn’t call them an ex-girlfriend unless they were together over six months which is only 3 girls. He has lunch with girls that he refers to as girls he “hung out” with for a long time. Many of them off and on for years. And many of them he still regards as “ good friends “

and will go out with alone. And I don’t find out that he dated them or anything till after he goes out with them and he tells me the friend he was hanging out with was whatever her name was. And he does seem quite innocent in telling me. It’s like he actually doesn’t know it is wrong. Like he just wants everyone to like him or accept him.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
It’s like he actually doesn’t know it is wrong. Like he just wants everyone to like him or accept him.

 

It's like he wants to convince YOU to not think it's wrong.

 

People treat us how we allow them to. It sounds like you've let his playboy behavior go on way too long and now it's too late to fix it.

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I’m not trying to be harsh, but in 5 posts, you haven’t said one thing positive about him. I’m struggling to understand why you’d even want him to move in. Have you dated anyone else since you’ve been divorced? This sounds like the definition of settling.

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vintagesangria
Seems pretty clear he just hasn’t grown up and has made a habit of avoiding responsibility. Is he gainfully employed?

 

Yes- he is a contractor. And a very busy one. His parents are married for 50 years- but his dad is VERY bossy and his mom is too. They are Guatemalan and Italian. I always blame his bossiness on the Italian side of him.

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vintagesangria
I’m not trying to be harsh, but in 5 posts, you haven’t said one thing positive about him. I’m struggling to understand why you’d even want him to move in. Have you dated anyone else since you’ve been divorced? This sounds like the definition of settling.

 

Positive- owns his own house, is independent, loves me a lot, successful business owner, has a good heart

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Positive- owns his own house, is independent, loves me a lot, successful business owner, has a good heart

 

How does he demonstrate these qualities to you in your relationship?

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vintagesangria

My thinking is if I don't allow him to stay the night (which he does 4-5 nights a week) then maybe he will feel what he is missing? Or am I being too harsh? He is very close to my 13 year old given she has been with him since age 9 and their dad disappeared. I just don't want to be a doormat. And I am a very strong woman. I make a very good living, have many degrees, own my own house (I did even as married) and hate asking for help ever. I am not weak but I do feel when you love someone you put them first and stay loyal.

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vintagesangria
How does he demonstrate these qualities to you in your relationship?

 

He calls me on my way to work to see how I am, on my way home, meets me at the gym or picks me up- snuggles A lot. And given he is a single dude he goes along with my "all cards should be hand made " for any event. He always tries to help pay a bill if I need it (which I usually refuse) and does do work around my house.

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vintagesangria
A 49 year old never-married, no-kids, no-mortgage skateboarder having to choose between that lifestyle and a life with a "wife" and teens, at least one of who has a challenge? It is really not difficult to see what's going on here :(.

 

Is it that irrational to think he would want to spend his life with someone? I know my life isn't easy but I am a needy woman that wants him to solve my life problems- just be there for me?

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My thinking is if I don't allow him to stay the night (which he does 4-5 nights a week) then maybe he will feel what he is missing? Or am I being too harsh? He is very close to my 13 year old given she has been with him since age 9 and their dad disappeared. I just don't want to be a doormat. And I am a very strong woman. I make a very good living, have many degrees, own my own house (I did even as married) and hate asking for help ever. I am not weak but I do feel when you love someone you put them first and stay loyal.

 

I must say, I'm not a fan of the ultimatum. I can understand why you are considering it, his decision to tell your kids that he's moving in only to back out several times would make me very angry. But, I just don't think that it starts your life living together in a positive way when you've basically withheld time/affection/sex in an attempt to get him to make a decision.

 

If you want him to move in and commit to you and your family, tell him that. Ask him to move in and share your home/life/family. It's his decision - either he is in or he is out. I know, it's a different kind of ultimatum but unless you are happy with the status quo, you will need to do something. This "one foot in the door-one foot out the door" attitude must be difficult to deal with for you. I would think that after four years, he should know what he wants and if he's not ready to commit... Well, you have some thinking to do.

Edited by BaileyB
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I don't see any reason not to tell him this isn't good for your kids and they're feeling like he's not treating you right and you agree and dont want to model that for them anymore. That's a little different than an ultimatum and should be understandable.

 

I know everyone else in this thread seems to think there's something wrong with him and his lifestyle but I totally don't. Why shouldn't single adult brothers live together??? If they are happy with it, who cares? And the thing about the ex girlfriends and fwb's -- he was single for decades, Id hate to think how many exes I'd have if I didn't stick with one of them for 25 years. I think its pretty sweet that he tells you he had never met *the one* until you. If that stuff is making you feel bad, then he should take that seriously, of course.

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vintagesangria

I’m not trying to give him an ultimatum I am just trying to tell him that it’s causing confusion for my kids. And that for me as a mom is a problem. I don’t want my kids to be confused about commitment in relationships. And I do believe him when he says that he never found anyone before me. Obviously as a lifelong bachelor it’s very hard to find a girl that would believe anything you say or the reasoning behind it. But I do believe him when he tells me he doesn’t understand that it’s not OK to hang out with girls that he made out with and had sex with as just friends. In his world that’s normal. But in my world it’s not. And he’s very thoughtful and forgiving when he does something wrong and when he realizes it’s wrong he apologizes. I have no doubt that he’s been faithful to me the whole time. I don’t think he’s ever been I’m faithful. I’m just trying to gauge how to date a George Clooney.

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So my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and I have three kids - two of which live at home- ages 13,16,18. I’m 40 and he’s 49 - he has no kids. He told my kids and I he was moving in last year in the summer. He never moved in. Every time we would have an argument about it he says that’s why he wasn’t moving in. When he is angry he says he likes his bubble. When he’s not angry he says he doesn’t want to live with his brother and wants to move in. So he told me and the kids yesterday that he was going to be moving in around September. That is seven months away. Just doesn’t make sense. Why does he need 7 sevens? He says it’s to make improvements around my house. I have a four bedroom house that I own. Yes it needs improvements but nothing dramatic. So I told him today he can’t sleep over till we live together. It’s confusing for my kids that love him and they make comments about him not loving me enough to be committed. My kids are very smart. I just don’t want them to be confused anymore. And I think I’m making it too comfortable for him. Am I out of my mind or does this not sound like a normal idea? Help.

 

Dump him. He isn't step father material for your kids, let alone life time partner material for you. You may love him but he is dramatic, flaky and doesn't seem mature enough to actually BE in a healthy relationship.

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