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So I told my boyfriend of 4 years he canít sleep over


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Old 27th February 2018, 10:54 PM   #1
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So I told my boyfriend of 4 years he canít sleep over

So my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and I have three kids - two of which live at home- ages 13,16,18. Iím 40 and heís 49 - he has no kids. He told my kids and I he was moving in last year in the summer. He never moved in. Every time we would have an argument about it he says thatís why he wasnít moving in. When he is angry he says he likes his bubble. When heís not angry he says he doesnít want to live with his brother and wants to move in. So he told me and the kids yesterday that he was going to be moving in around September. That is seven months away. Just doesnít make sense. Why does he need 7 sevens? He says itís to make improvements around my house. I have a four bedroom house that I own. Yes it needs improvements but nothing dramatic. So I told him today he canít sleep over till we live together. Itís confusing for my kids that love him and they make comments about him not loving me enough to be committed. My kids are very smart. I just donít want them to be confused anymore. And I think Iím making it too comfortable for him. Am I out of my mind or does this not sound like a normal idea? Help.
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Old 27th February 2018, 10:58 PM   #2
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Heís 49 and lives with his brother?
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Old 27th February 2018, 11:00 PM   #3
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What makes your boyfriend make such comments every time there is an argument?
Are your arguments full of verbal abuse?

If that's not the case, your boyfriend is not mature enough for the commitment of living with someone. He can't handle disagreements like an adult and he keeps stalling on moving in.

I'm wondering what your endgame is with having your boyfriend move in. Is it supposed to be a step towards marriage? If you would like to get married at some point, I don't think that you and your boyfriend are compatible because he won't even share a space with you.

I think it would be best to end the relationship at this point. Don't waste any more time.
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Old 27th February 2018, 11:01 PM   #4
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Yup

Yes. They own the house together but yes have lived together for 25 years. Both single. Their house is paid for. Mine isnít. But mine is worth double.
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Old 27th February 2018, 11:01 PM   #5
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Heís 49 and lives with his brother?
I thought this was suspect as well.

Maybe the OP's boyfriend comes from a culture where it is common to live with family members.

So far, this man sounds immature for his age. The OP has to fill in the blanks though.
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Old 27th February 2018, 11:07 PM   #6
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Yes. They own the house together but yes have lived together for 25 years. Both single. Their house is paid for. Mine isnít. But mine is worth double.
That seems really odd to me. So heís been single forever and no kids? Typically people like that donít adapt well to moving into a house with kids that arenít theirs. They arenít used to someone other than themselves being the priority.
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Old 27th February 2018, 11:13 PM   #7
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That might be. He seems lonely when Iím not in constant contact. He says he always wanted marriage and kids but never found the one till me.
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Old 27th February 2018, 11:17 PM   #8
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I think this guy is terrified of going from his peaceful and easy bachelor existence to living in a house with a woman and her kids. And rightly so....it's a HUGE change!

I think he's making excuses. And I think you're not wrong .
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Old 27th February 2018, 11:20 PM   #9
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That might be. He seems lonely when Iím not in constant contact. He says he always wanted marriage and kids but never found the one till me.
Maybe so, but it sounds to me like he has commitment issues. If he really wants a family, after 4 years, he wouldnít need 7 months. Itís not like heís 22 with his whole life in front of him. This just doesnít pass the smell test.
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Old 27th February 2018, 11:21 PM   #10
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90% of our arguments are about spending time together or lack of transparency. Or my kids. Teens are hard. I had to kick my son out twice in the last year due to drug addiction. Which I told my boyfriend I understand if he canít handle the stress but if I kicked my son out that means I need his support even more. Iím very close to my kids and itís very hard to bear. Their birth dad is out of the picture by his own choosing. And parents are deceased. I donít know why he gets closer than backs away. I even brought him to my counselor with me who has told him more than anything he needs to be there for me And not runaway. Then he is great for a month then reverts to single guy mode and will be gone all weekend on skate trips. All I can think of is his friends keep giving him bad advice. Did I mention that he is a skateboarder who does that as his big hobby and many of his friends are single and are pro skateboarders? We grew up in the same neighborhood but I never knew him given the age difference.
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Old 27th February 2018, 11:25 PM   #11
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90% of our arguments are about spending time together or lack of transparency. Or my kids. Teens are hard. I had to kick my son out twice in the last year due to drug addiction. Which I told my boyfriend I understand if he canít handle the stress but if I kicked my son out that means I need his support even more. Iím very close to my kids and itís very hard to bear. Their birth dad is out of the picture by his own choosing. And parents are deceased. I donít know why he gets closer than backs away. I even brought him to my counselor with me who has told him more than anything he needs to be there for me And not runaway. Then he is great for a month then reverts to single guy mode and will be gone all weekend on skate trips. All I can think of is his friends keep giving him bad advice. Did I mention that he is a skateboarder who does that as his big hobby and many of his friends are single and are pro skateboarders? We grew up in the same neighborhood but I never knew him given the age difference.
Seems pretty clear he just hasnít grown up and has made a habit of avoiding responsibility. Is he gainfully employed?
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Old 27th February 2018, 11:26 PM   #12
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Did I mention that he is a skateboarder who does that as his big hobby and many of his friends are single and are pro skateboarders?
A 49 year old never-married, no-kids, no-mortgage skateboarder having to choose between that lifestyle and a life with a "wife" and teens, at least one of who has a challenge? It is really not difficult to see what's going on here .
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Old 27th February 2018, 11:29 PM   #13
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The other issue that has come up is he has so many ex-girlfriends I canít keep track. And he doesnít call them an ex-girlfriend unless they were together over six months which is only 3 girls. He has lunch with girls that he refers to as girls he ďhung outĒ with for a long time. Many of them off and on for years. And many of them he still regards as ď good friends ď
and will go out with alone. And I donít find out that he dated them or anything till after he goes out with them and he tells me the friend he was hanging out with was whatever her name was. And he does seem quite innocent in telling me. Itís like he actually doesnít know it is wrong. Like he just wants everyone to like him or accept him.
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Old 27th February 2018, 11:33 PM   #14
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Itís like he actually doesnít know it is wrong. Like he just wants everyone to like him or accept him.
It's like he wants to convince YOU to not think it's wrong.

People treat us how we allow them to. It sounds like you've let his playboy behavior go on way too long and now it's too late to fix it.
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Old 27th February 2018, 11:34 PM   #15
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Iím not trying to be harsh, but in 5 posts, you havenít said one thing positive about him. Iím struggling to understand why youíd even want him to move in. Have you dated anyone else since youíve been divorced? This sounds like the definition of settling.
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