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Wife Keeping Things From Me and Lying


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Old 25th February 2018, 8:17 AM   #16
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I'm not sure what the point of VARs is. If you've gotten to the point where you need to do that, you've already made up your mind that your marriage is over, so you may as well just file for divorce. It would make sense if you were trying to find proof so you could use it to adjust alimony, but that kind of recording is illegal in most locations so you can't actually submit it as evidence and you could get yourself in trouble.

If you think trust is shattered beyond hope already, just end it, don't drive yourself crazy playing detective. Otherwise, go to counselling and push for her to make some major changes.
The point of a VAR is to get to the truth one way or another. There have been many cheating spouses caught this way. Itís so one has actually proof of what is or isnít going on. It is just one way to investigate a possible affair.
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Old 25th February 2018, 9:33 AM   #17
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Hi PBS, after reading your OP and subsequent posts it appears to me that your suspicions are well founded. If you really want solid proof and have the funds to go for it,, you could employ a PI who would be able to give you irrefutable evidence about any cheating on your wife's part. Her stating that you should 'get over it' when you bring up the molestation issue of your son indicates that there is something suspicious about the way your wife thinks. If you were to have caught her cheating she would have used the same words. You have said that your 20 year marriage is so fragile a puff of wind could blow it over. If that be the case then create your own puff of wind and be done with it. No point living in misery till the end of your days. Wish you the very best.
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Old 25th February 2018, 12:33 PM   #18
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It is not a question of could be...

It is not a question of could be... having an affair. She is with out a doubt having an affair with her boss. It is probably not the first time she has done it.

As to the molestation issue... at both of their ages there really is not a lot you can do about it. It is horrible, but you just need to help your son deal with it.

Your wife was completely wrong in every way in the way that she handled it.

However, it plays into the type of person that she is, a liar and cheater. She is used to lying to you on a daily basis and this incident is just a continuation and demonstration of her character.

You have been given a lot of good advice so far. But the quickest and surest way to discover the affair is to hire a GOOD PI, which mean that you need to interview them to find the right one.

If you hire a PI you will discover that her and her boss are leaving work early to go screw.

You will also find out that any GIRLS night out's are just a cover for them to date and screw.

You might as well just hire a PI so you can get this marriage over with ASAP, and please don't be one of the weak sissy men that tells all of us that you just love her so much... Trust me she is not worthy of that love...
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Old 25th February 2018, 2:11 PM   #19
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If my husband kept that from me I'd be furious beyond belief and that would very likely lead to a divorce.

On the other hand...if my nephew did such a thing...I would be so very ashamed to say it...but I know I couldn't keep it a secret.

What a horrible thing to happen to your son.
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Last edited by sandylee1; 25th February 2018 at 2:12 PM.. Reason: typo
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Old 25th February 2018, 7:15 PM   #20
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If my husband kept that from me I'd be furious beyond belief and that would very likely lead to a divorce.

On the other hand...if my nephew did such a thing...I would be so very ashamed to say it...but I know I couldn't keep it a secret.

What a horrible thing to happen to your son.
Thank you..I hurt for him every time it enters my thoughts, which is oftten but especially when his pain manifests as anger and depression. I did forget to mention that she also said she didnít tell me because my son asked her not to because I might think he is gay. I have never asked my son if thatís true because we have tried to move past it and I donít want to open old wounds. Even if that were true, I still think I should have been told.

Not much to add to this other than the fact she said I was clingy and annoying for texting her too much. Her boss has been away on a business trip for a few days, maybe that is why sheís cranky.

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Old 26th February 2018, 5:41 AM   #21
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Hi PBS, can you believe a seven year old would know what being 'gay' means and even if he had some inkling about it,, do you think he would be able to reason out a response like the one your wife is trying to pass on? If he even told her that she should have come clean and told you about it. What kind of a mother and wife is she to hide something like that from you?

The point is, are you interested in doing anything concrete about exposing your wife and divorcing her? As suggested, you could hire a PI who would be able to present you with irrefutable evidence of any shenanigans your wife was indulging in. If you cannot afford a PI then at least install a VAR as suggested under the driver's seat of her car to record any suspicious conversations she may be having while driving to and from work. You could also fix a GPS tracker in the wheel well or other suitable place in her car to be able to track where she is after work hours. These methods will not be as effective as a PI but will give you enough evidence of something fishy ( if it is happening) to take a call on proceeding with divorce. I do not know why but I am getting the feeling that you are not interested in getting a divorce and are not going to do anything to collect evidence of possible cheating on your wife's part because that would force you to look reality in the face. I hope I'm wrong but there are little indicators that I may be right. Wish you the best.
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Old 26th February 2018, 2:03 PM   #22
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Your wife sounds like a piece of work. She's a conflict avoider. Conflict avoidance is one of the hallmarks of a cheater.


If she isn't having an affair, she definitely has sh*t for boundaries. I'm with the others. Do some discreet sleuthing to see what she is up to.
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Old 26th February 2018, 2:12 PM   #23
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Personally, if it was my wife I wouldn't be giving a crap if she was having an affair or not. Covering up the sexual assault of my son would be it; do not pass go, do not collect $200, and here's the divorce petition.
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Old 26th February 2018, 5:33 PM   #24
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Not much to add to this other than the fact she said I was clingy and annoying for texting her too much.
Agree with every poster, your son has had a traumatic event and it's good reading that he is in counseling for this.

The 13 yr. old nephew is the abuser....very likely that he has also been abused. By whom?
The nephew has to be called out for his behavior and brought to a shrink. Period. Otherwise, your son is only one....of possible many and escalating.

Please do not forget the offender is getting stronger and more skillful every day.

As far as your wife is concerned, hold her feet to the fire regarding this. I would never tolerate an absence of knowledge when the issue of child abuse is involved.
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Old 27th February 2018, 2:22 PM   #25
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I get the feeling, that she likes to be under the impression of control in your relationship. She seems to minimize the actual event of sexual abuse, to maybe gain control in her own infidelity. She mentions the boss as a "Freudian" slip as a comparison to you. She is on the way to hypergamy. The sick thing is that even your nephew is in crisis, and no one bats an eye?
Also, for the "gay" comment...Really? Anyone in any persuasion needs to feel safe and empowered. Not under the guise that sexual abuse is okay....
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Old 28th February 2018, 9:28 AM   #26
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Personally, if it was my wife I wouldn't be giving a crap if she was having an affair or not. Covering up the sexual assault of my son would be it; do not pass go, do not collect $200, and here's the divorce petition.
Have to agree. What trust could the disclosure of an affair shatter that her handling of your son's assault hasn't already broken? This is definitely someone who has you on a "need to know" status, based solely on her interests.

Be very aware of that as you make decisions and move forward...

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Old 28th February 2018, 9:52 AM   #27
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Agree with every poster, your son has had a traumatic event and it's good reading that he is in counseling for this.

The 13 yr. old nephew is the abuser....very likely that he has also been abused. By whom?
The nephew has to be called out for his behavior and brought to a shrink. Period. Otherwise, your son is only one....of possible many and escalating.

Please do not forget the offender is getting stronger and more skillful every day.

As far as your wife is concerned, hold her feet to the fire regarding this. I would never tolerate an absence of knowledge when the issue of child abuse is involved.
It's complicated. I do know that yes, the nephew was abused but I don't know when it happened, by whom or the extent of the abuse. We have no contact with him whatsoever. We do have contact with his father. He is on a disability pension for mental health and lives with the MIL. His son ended up moving out at 15 or 16 and is also now on what will likely be a life-long disability due to mental health issues as well.

I HAVE held her feet to the fire. I have blasted her time and again over the fact that I wasn't told. She disputes how much time elapsed between her finding out and my son telling me. I questioned her some more about it found out that it very likely happened more than once too, which makes me sick to think about. I trusted that kid.
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Old 28th February 2018, 10:08 AM   #28
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Hi PBS, can you believe a seven year old would know what being 'gay' means and even if he had some inkling about it,, do you think he would be able to reason out a response like the one your wife is trying to pass on? If he even told her that she should have come clean and told you about it. What kind of a mother and wife is she to hide something like that from you?

The point is, are you interested in doing anything concrete about exposing your wife and divorcing her? As suggested, you could hire a PI who would be able to present you with irrefutable evidence of any shenanigans your wife was indulging in. If you cannot afford a PI then at least install a VAR as suggested under the driver's seat of her car to record any suspicious conversations she may be having while driving to and from work. You could also fix a GPS tracker in the wheel well or other suitable place in her car to be able to track where she is after work hours. These methods will not be as effective as a PI but will give you enough evidence of something fishy ( if it is happening) to take a call on proceeding with divorce. I do not know why but I am getting the feeling that you are not interested in getting a divorce and are not going to do anything to collect evidence of possible cheating on your wife's part because that would force you to look reality in the face. I hope I'm wrong but there are little indicators that I may be right. Wish you the best.
Regarding whether he could reason out a response like that, I'm not sure..But with what kids are exposed to nowadays, I don't think it's impossible. Unlikely though? Agreed.

The VAR would be tricky as we have one vehicle that we share. She is often at work without a vehicle, and so it wouldn't be difficult for someone to pick her up. However there has been no income discrepancies/missing hours -- I have checked. There is nothing on her phone - checked very thoroughly.

I disagree when you say you get the feeling I don't want to know or do anything about it. I do -- but I have no proof. I have asked before about seeing someone else and she has always said no and I tend to believe her. She has withheld things and lied to me but I have nothing concrete to confront with. A PI is out of the question, I likely cannot afford it.

She has few friends she sees -- her life is the kids, myself and work. She doesn't do girls nights out and when she does go out, she often takes one kid with her. I know this doesn't mean nothing happened in the past -- it could have. So again, I need something more concrete and I haven't found it yet. I want to trust because without it marriage is pointless. If I ever did see proof, rest assured I would be out immediately, no question.
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Old 28th February 2018, 10:21 AM   #29
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The outcome was that nothing was done. The police interviewed my son and said that, due to 'inconsistencies' in his interview and the age of the 'alleged' offender, no charges would be filed. Needless to say, his cousin is blacklisted from our family.

After my son told me and I confronted her, she claimed she was GOING to tell me, just not yet. I feel she was probably protecting her brother and nephew from my potential wrath and it took every ounce of self control I had to just go to the police instead of dealing with it myself. My wife felt it was more of a 'kids playing doctor' incident, but don't ask me how. There is no comparison between the mental faculties and reasoning abilities of a 13-vs-7-year-old. Child welfare was not involved however he did receive counselling.
I'm glad you went to the authorities and have taken a pro-active approach to keep this boy from your son. In particular, I'm glad you got the authorities involved, which means that his parents (your BIL/SIL) know. When I was young and this happened to me by an older cousin, my parents did nothing because they didn't want to rock the boat. My deceased aunt and still living uncle have no clue why my sis and I want nothing to do with their son, and my sis and I, although we love our parents (dad deceased), always felt unprotected by them because of their lack of action. You did the right thing. Your wife, on the other hand, absolutely did NOT. I don't blame you for wondering what else she hasn't told you.

I'm sorry this happened to your son .
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Old 28th February 2018, 10:33 AM   #30
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It is not a question of could be... having an affair. She is with out a doubt having an affair with her boss. It is probably not the first time she has done it.

As to the molestation issue... at both of their ages there really is not a lot you can do about it. It is horrible, but you just need to help your son deal with it.

Your wife was completely wrong in every way in the way that she handled it.

However, it plays into the type of person that she is, a liar and cheater. She is used to lying to you on a daily basis and this incident is just a continuation and demonstration of her character.

You have been given a lot of good advice so far. But the quickest and surest way to discover the affair is to hire a GOOD PI, which mean that you need to interview them to find the right one.

If you hire a PI you will discover that her and her boss are leaving work early to go screw.

You will also find out that any GIRLS night out's are just a cover for them to date and screw.

You might as well just hire a PI so you can get this marriage over with ASAP, and please don't be one of the weak sissy men that tells all of us that you just love her so much... Trust me she is not worthy of that love...
She doesn't have 'girls night out'. Don't get me wrong -- I know if people want to screw they're going to find/make the time come hell or high water -- even if it's only a 10 minute quickie in the car. If something is happening it almost assuredly is happening during work hours or on days where she has to stay an extra hour or two -- which isn't often.
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