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Marriage ruined my relationship

Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 17th February 2018, 10:00 AM   #16
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I did that once in an argument - started packing things while angry and crying. My husband - who never yells - yelled once. Both instances happened when we were newly married. We each learned from those instances to never, ever hurt each other that way again. We talked about both instances and about the hurt we had caused and realized no matter what else happens, this is our marriage and we are the only ones who are going to fight and protect it. From there, we set hard and fast boundaries: no threats, first and foremost. You can be angry, express your frustration or disappointment, but you do not threaten (either by words or deeds) to leave. Also, no one raises their voice. Unless you are yelling fire, there is no need to yell.

It sounds like you guys need to learn how to disagree. It also sounds like you need to learn how to accept each other’s lifestyle to create a fair balance.
Like you, I cannot stand a dirty kitchen and yes, I got upset early on that my husband didn’t load/unload the dishwasher, etc. But, there is some outside work like mowing the grass that really aggravates my allergies. I was willing to trade dishes for mowing and so was he. He will occasionally help with dishes and I will help with mowing, but neither of us feels unfairly burdened anymore.

While I agree with counseling, another suggestion I would have is to explore among your social group a couple who has a really good marriage. Observe and learn. What you will probably see is respect, good communication and likely an intimate connection. Try to emulate that. You guys need to learn to fight fair.
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Old 17th February 2018, 11:17 AM   #17
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Oh, and I agree with date night and romantic getaways. Maintaining a home is a part of life and thus a part of marriage. But, the marriage IS the relationship. That time for each other is the most important thing you do.

Also, the poster who talked about flirting and making sex a priority. Absolutely. Flirt with each other.

Finally, start and keep talking about how to make things better.
One rule we have is “seek to understand.” When you are in conflict with each other, seek to understand your point of view. Dishes and laundry are not worth ruining a marriage over.
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Old 17th February 2018, 12:00 PM   #18
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Why would marriage (a piece of paper and health insurance) change anything? are now legally binded and expected to commit. No easy out, break up, move out, move on. That's the luxury you had before, whether a silent one, you both had an easy out if/when things got tough.

That's why the saying is always,"Marriage takes work, even in the best of them."

Perhaps, and just throwing this out there, your husband views marriage differently or views your role as a wife differently than he did when you two were just dating? Many men and women for that matter grew up seeing a marriage where the wife is the little woman at home who takes care of everything. Maybe subconsciously he slipped into that thinking when you married ? Perhaps talk about what both expectations and visions are about marriage.

I can say that I recently said to my husband,"I guess the picture in my mind was when I married my husband would want me all the time. After-all, my step-dad chased my Mother all over the house all the time." Needless to say we have intimacy issues, but my point is.. my experiences of what I saw with marriage shaped my views of how I thought it would be, even if my logical, 50 year old mind knows better.

No matter if you're married 1 year or 80 years, communication, the real deep down dirty, hard talks have to happen.

I agree with the others that even mentioning divorce is a no no unless the issues are that serious. Maybe you two should sit down and have that conversation. Something like,"We need to decide what in this marriage are absolute deal breakers and make a pack to never mention divorce unless XYZ happens." See, it is all too easy today to divorce and then once it gets in your head, any little excuse or problem brings your mind back to , oh I have a solution, lets give up.

If you have lots of love and respect all that external crap means nothing, though it bugs the heck out of you. There will be things that you'll have to let go of, period,if you want to stay sane and happy in a relationship.

I know, for instance that my husband is never going to clean the toilets or do the laundry... but I am also less likely to mow the lawn. I get tired of doing 99% of the housework but if I ask , he will help out. I have learned to ask more lately and in a nice way because being a nag doesn't help anything. Men need straight forward requests, don't complicate it with,"You never do anything, blah,blah,blah." State what you need and be kind but firm.

Listen, after 25 years of marriage I have not figured it all out, our problems are different and quite serious but we are still trying. It gets tiring but it sounds like you guys have a great base to work on things going forward.

Taking each other for granted, money issues, kids and sex seem to be the end all reasons for marriages. Seems like you guys can take some of those off your plate, now work on communication and commitment and you're likely to work through this.

BTW, if you had and still have a great attraction and chemistry, use that to build on again. Touch each other, flirt, plan dates, get into the physical side so the other daily stuff doesn't take that away.
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Old 21st February 2018, 10:48 PM   #19
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I am so sorry for your situation. Have you ever thought of when two persons get married both of them bring their own baggage? Through therapy both of you can discover that and help each other. .Problems and struggles will come for any couple married or not or living together. Sometimes we can create myths regards this topic. All relationship will encounter struggles. The main point of this is that love between each other is making more mature. I encourage you to think positively about counseling or therapy. Counseling can be helpful to work through things like this. You and your husband are valuable and worth fighting for. Let me tell you that there’s no perfect persons, so there’s not perfect marriage. But there’s couples who never give up and want to fight for their relationship and each other. I hope this will change your mindset of marriage and commitment to request help of a third part is for brave people or courage couple. I do not know whether if you believe in God, but I will keep you in my prayers, my friend.
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Old 7th March 2018, 4:32 AM   #20
Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: USA
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Can you afford a housekeeper?
Unfortunately, no. Haha. Oh how I wish. That will be our first order of business if we ever become that comfortable.

Everyone -

Thank you SO MUCH for the thoughtful replies. All of them. You all make excellent points.

I can't believe it's been so many weeks since my OP.

I've communicated with my husband and we started therapy. We've been twice so far. It's a breath of fresh air, I've enjoyed it way more than I expected.

What appears to have happened is both of us are feeling bogged down by life. We both work full-time with overtime many weeks. I'm finishing my MBA and he returned to school Fall 2017. We're also dealing with stressful family illness. This amp up in stress began right around the time we got married, and the wedding added its own layer of stress - it wasn't a fancy or large wedding but it was still the largest event we've ever planned and ever will plan.

This whole year we just haven't handled the overwhelmed feelings well, and I didn't realize he had felt that way, and I certainly didn't communicate that I was also overwhelmed. It trickled down to our household duties and our sex life.

I've been demanding like I'd never been before, I understand and own that now. Using a sweet voice doesn't make it any less demanding. He's been resentful of my demands and he pushed back passive aggressively.

We are working on communication and respect. We aren't out of the woods but it's worlds better. Thank you everyone, wishing you all health and happiness
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