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Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 17th January 2018, 11:00 PM   #46
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There's no point in marrying someone if you're keeping your finances separately, which is in effect saying "I don't trust you and I don't expect to be with you forever" which is no different then saying the marriage certificate isn't worth the paper it's printed on.

This isn't about a debt that has not been repaid, it's about a sham of a marriage.
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Old 18th January 2018, 1:10 AM   #47
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I Completely disagree. I love her and trust her and I am going to marry her. But her money is her money. She had it before me. As a man, if I need more money, I will go out and earn it. If we decide to invest together, and money is lost, then it is lost, and I don't owe her.

That is not what happened here.

Last edited by Cullenbohannon; 18th January 2018 at 1:14 AM..
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Old 18th January 2018, 1:22 AM   #48
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If you value your money more than you value him then why did you get married?
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Old 18th January 2018, 1:45 AM   #49
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Originally Posted by Cullenbohannon View Post
Really interesting thread. We can see both sides of the fence.

However the prenup rules. He owes the money. The question is will she destroy the marriage trying to get her money back.
I don't think she is going to actively destroy the marriage but resentment can build up to the point of losing the love and feeling content in the marriage, chipping away at what they have together.

It's shi.tty of him to not pay her pay since the loan was before they were married.
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Old 18th January 2018, 1:59 AM   #50
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The other side of the fence.

Even though they were not married, if the investment was designed to give them a better financial future, then shouldnt some of the risk be assigned to her? It's a little unfair to have one risk everything for both.

Renegotiating the terms and some of the risk, may go a long way towards eliminating resentment. Consider accepting some of the loss. You did marry the guy.
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Old 18th January 2018, 4:34 AM   #51
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The burning questions I have are (1) why would you loan 8 years of your savings to a boyfriend (who presumably wasn't even living with you), (2) why would he even ask for something like that, and (3) why wasn't this discussed before you got married???? Did he just assume that marriage would negate his contract, and did you just assume that he would keep his end of the bargain, and neither of you even spoke about it?

IMO there are way bigger issues with this marriage than just separate vs joint finances.
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Old 18th January 2018, 12:37 PM   #52
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I Completely disagree. I love her and trust her and I am going to marry her. But her money is her money.
Then why bother getting married. Marriage is a financial commitment, until it's not, at which point it's nothing.


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If you value your money more than you value him then why did you get married?
Exactly.

I always find it rather interesting and amusing when people say "I love this person and I'm going to marry them (which is supposed to be a LIFELONG commitment) and then all of a sudden the list of "strings attached" comes out which makes the marriage completely meaningless.

I keep my finances separate from my committed relationship partner, I live in her house and I give her a couple of grand per month towards household expenses, we split meals and vacations although not along a solid line, and we both accept and acknowledge that we are maintaining that financial separation.

We aren't foolish enough to say "We love each other and will be together forever and we are going to get married- BUT we will keep our finances separate "just in case".
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Old 19th January 2018, 2:18 AM   #53
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Well, we will take our "foolishness" and do it anyway, thank you very much.

But since the negativity demands clarification, we are middle age and she has wayyy more money than me, however I own land. My childs college is paid for, as are her 2 children. We are both debt free.

I simply dont need any of her money, nor does she need what I have (financially speaking only).

When we review some of your past post, we understand why you feel this way. We are happy with life. We are good with our decision.

Blessings to you anyway.

Last edited by Cullenbohannon; 19th January 2018 at 2:21 AM..
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Old 19th January 2018, 1:59 PM   #54
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Then why bother getting married. Marriage is a financial commitment, until it's not, at which point it's nothing.




Exactly.

I always find it rather interesting and amusing when people say "I love this person and I'm going to marry them (which is supposed to be a LIFELONG commitment) and then all of a sudden the list of "strings attached" comes out which makes the marriage completely meaningless.

I keep my finances separate from my committed relationship partner, I live in her house and I give her a couple of grand per month towards household expenses, we split meals and vacations although not along a solid line, and we both accept and acknowledge that we are maintaining that financial separation.

We aren't foolish enough to say "We love each other and will be together forever and we are going to get married- BUT we will keep our finances separate "just in case".
This is your perspective, which is fine for you. But other married couples (and even cohabitating partners) fall all along that spectrum - some split everything, some have some degree of mingling of finances, some mingle everything. It is really important that you and your partner are BOTH on board with where you will fall on the spectrum, though.

Where there is some degree of separation, it isn't necessarily "just in case". Some people just prefer it that way. About half of the couples I know who literally stayed together "til death do them part" had some personal accounts.
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Old 19th January 2018, 2:21 PM   #55
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But that's because the "in case" had not happened!

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This is your perspective, which is fine for you. But other married couples (and even cohabitating partners) fall all along that spectrum - some split everything, some have some degree of mingling of finances, some mingle everything. It is really important that you and your partner are BOTH on board with where you will fall on the spectrum, though.

Where there is some degree of separation, it isn't necessarily "just in case". Some people just prefer it that way. About half of the couples I know who literally stayed together "til death do them part" had some personal accounts.
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Old 19th January 2018, 2:30 PM   #56
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There's no point in marrying someone if you're keeping your finances separately, which is in effect saying "I don't trust you and I don't expect to be with you forever" which is no different then saying the marriage certificate isn't worth the paper it's printed on.

This isn't about a debt that has not been repaid, it's about a sham of a marriage.

I couldnít disagree more. Why would two financially stable individuals need to merge finances? Itís just a social convention.

It used to happen when women were financially dependent on men. Now weíre not, thereís no need.

A marriage is a sham if 2 people donít love each other. No other reason.
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Old 19th January 2018, 2:53 PM   #57
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Well, Broken said it...Women are now right along the lines of men. And more and more of them out earn their partners. Myself included. I used to be the wage earner, then when the financial bomb hit a few years back. I was forced to a lower tier job. But, i continued earning. Just at a lot less payscale. My wife on the other hand has been promoted 5 times in the last 10 years!
In my case, we pool the money together and pay our bills together. We buy food together and we buy senseless crap together. We both have email notifications from the bank concerning our accts. And we both plan together while taking on debt or paying out and ridding of debt.
If I had to have separate accounts from my wife. I would not have much to offer. My provider role would be diminished if not terminated. Very emasculating. My wife even commented when we had problems that with my earnings, it's like having another "mouth to feed." ie. I am a child like burden on the home. Talk about resentment. That took along time to work out people. I almost just got my own apartment and paid for the kids. That way, she wouldn't have to feel so burdened...
My point is, either you are in it to become one marriage. Or you are room mates that like to have sex and complain with time to time. But money and other activities you do with your own selves, and that feeling of completeness, is often mis directed at intimacy and physical bonding superficially.
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Old 19th January 2018, 4:33 PM   #58
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I couldnít disagree more. Why would two financially stable individuals need to merge finances? Itís just a social convention.

It used to happen when women were financially dependent on men. Now weíre not, thereís no need.
Two financially stable individuals are better off not merging their finances, because you never know what can happen, especially with older folks who have been married before- the subsequent marriage failure rate is close to 70%.

For the same reason, two financially stable individuals are better off staying unmarried. There's no upside to it. And as I posted earlier, once the money is removed from the equation, it isn't even a marriage anyway. It's two people exchanging vows of commitment while they're reality they're protecting their ASSets from the other person.
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Old 19th January 2018, 4:42 PM   #59
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But that's because the "in case" had not happened!
Why is it assumed that that must be the reason, or that their lifelong marriages were inferior to anyone else's just because they choose to maintain a degree of financial separation? I mean, if we are going to be reading between the lines like this, we could also assume any number of negative reasons for people to want to merge finances.

I do agree that the OP's marriage doesn't appear to be very healthy, but I think it's a bit presumptuous to assume that there is just one "right" way to handle finances and marriage.
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Old 19th January 2018, 4:46 PM   #60
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Two financially stable individuals are better off not merging their finances, because you never know what can happen, especially with older folks who have been married before- the subsequent marriage failure rate is close to 70%.

For the same reason, two financially stable individuals are better off staying unmarried. There's no upside to it. And as I posted earlier, once the money is removed from the equation, it isn't even a marriage anyway. It's two people exchanging vows of commitment while they're reality they're protecting their ASSets from the other person.
Except in most states, regardless where the money lies in which account. Divorce will be a ponying up of funds to squash debt. and pay for attorneys and such. As for commitment...To what? commitment to pick up the paper on Sunday morning? Commitment to making your side of the bed? lol
I just love the downward spiral of western society. It's like we love to be in pain and suffering on purpose." I have a SO, but only to an extent. Cause, I don't trust them. No, I do all that stuff by myself. But I am in love...."
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