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I'm Not Sure We Can Work...


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Old 30th December 2017, 10:52 AM   #1
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I'm Not Sure We Can Work...

I will try not to make this post too long, but I desperately need some help. I'm 32 and my husband is 33, we have 2 kids aged 6 and 3. We have been married almost 10 years and together almost 12 years. Our marriage had started having some issues around when our son was born. Sexting, was a recurring thing on and off from when I was pregnant to this past May. Three years ago we had a brief separation where I had been with someone else during that time(I know totally ****ed that one up, just missed feeling desired and ignored for 3 years, no excuse but it happens), but decided to try and make things work for the sake of the kids. I am also financially dependent on him due to an injury and refused to put my kids through having no where else to go. We were good or so I thought, trying to work on things and communicate more. My husband still doesn't seem to put forth much effort and makes excuses for not being able to have time together(money, sitter, no sleep etc). He is a good provider and a decent guy, but he got caught up sexting again this past May. I was caught completely off guard, thought we were working on us and trying to get passed the indiscretions of our past.

Over the years I have noticed some things that could have been red flags, that I was blinded to and have since made me wonder if our marriage is actually going to work out. Firstly, we don't seem to have a sexual chemistry with each other, I know, I know this sounds ridiculous. I was excusing this because we were young and he had never been with anyone besides me, I thought maybe over time things would get better. I was wrong there, I feel like sexual chemistry is either there or it's not. Also I had just got out of a serious relationship and a few months into dating, I told him I just wasn't ready to be in another one. He told me if I left, he wouldn't take me back, didn't play that back and forth game. So I stayed. He has used the fact that he was a virgin when we met as an excuse for the sexting. He has said he sometimes wondered what it would be like to be with someone else. I am very open minded and offered to allow him to possibly get out there and see, he refused. I'm just at a loss now as to what to think or do. I feel as though he wants his family together, yet he doesn't handle the responsibilities and relationship well. Unless it is something he truly cares about, or I'm heading out the door he just goes back to the way he usually is. Does any of this make sense? At what point is enough enough?
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Old 31st December 2017, 2:22 PM   #2
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marriage counseling or therapy. There's a lot you are trying to unpack and a varied timeline with both of you in different mindsets. Getting to the bottom of it all with a dedicated person is the best way forward.

Truly opening the door for thoughtful sharing and communication between the two of you will go a long way.
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Old 10th January 2018, 11:19 AM   #3
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Thank you for your reply. I agree that working on our communication would help immensely. We can't afford marriage counseling right now, but I hope to still work on things. He has been there by my side through so much. I had back surgery in 2016 at 31 years old and he was right there every step of the way. every doctors appointment, every injection. I know we have something real here and something worth working on, we just have to communicate and have clear expectations of each other.
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Old 10th January 2018, 12:57 PM   #4
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I was wrong there, I feel like sexual chemistry is either there or it's not.
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We can't afford marriage counseling right now, but I hope to still work on things.
That's the same "wishing and hoping" approach you've used for the last 10 years. How's it working so far ???

A good sexual relationship, like a healthy marriage, is built on communication. You can't afford NOT to get MC, time to fire up the computer and see if a local church or university offers free or discounted services.

Unless you want to be back here 10 years from now posting about the same thing...

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Old 11th January 2018, 4:30 AM   #5
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Hi Almost, on reading your OP and subsequent post I get the feeling that the problem lies more in your mind than with anything that is actually wrong with your marriage. On the one hand you say your husband was supportive of you at a traumatic time when you were undergoing back surgery. On the other you say you feel disconnected from him and have found sexual chemistry to be the elephant in the room. You say when you were dating you told him a few months in that you were not ready for another relationship, having got out of a long term one just before you met him. At the time he gave you an ultimatum that if you left then he would not take you back because he did not want to be involved in a see saw relationship. That ultimatum made you decide to stick around with him. That decision of yours shows that for one thing, you were not being true to your core values and secondly, that you were prepared to settle for the first relationship that came your way.

You have been complaining about his sexting some one else but at the same time you say you are liberal enough to let him experience being with someone else casually because he said that he was a virgin when he met you and has only been with you and wondered what it would be like with someone else. I would have thought that sexting would be relatively harmless compared with having a casual sexual relationship with someone. There seems to be some sort of dissonance here. Also, your husband seems to have been true to you sexually except for the fact of his sexting whereas the same cannot be said of you. You say you were separated from him for three years ( or three Yeats ago I'm not sure) and you hooked up with someone else. I guess you were still married at the time so the onus of morality or ethics if you like lie, with you. Looking at your husband's overall commitment to your marriage I think you could have done much worse. Given the fact that due to your injuries or medical problems, you are dependent on him financially, I would think it should be your husband who should be here complaining about a SAHW who finds faults with him for minor issues. I'm not saying he would be right but I think you need to examine your perspectives and draw reasonable conclusions. The way I see it, if you leave, your husband would probably find a woman who loves him for who he is and who values what he brings to the relationship. Sometimes we do not value what we have till we have lost it. Just a thought. Warm wishes.
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Old 11th January 2018, 10:06 AM   #6
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I totally agree that you cannot afford NOT to get counseling. It sounds like you both have a lot of confusion about your sexual identities, interest in commitment, and boundaries in your marriage. A good counsellor will provide a safe space for you boy to think and communicate through these issues.

It sounds like you you both care deeply about each other, which is a good start. You also have two kids and interdependent finances increasing the stakes. Do not use the financial excuse to avoid counselling. You can look for free services through a religious organization or cut your spending somewhere else, but this is something you really need. Keep in mind that divorce is much more expensive. Do it for your kids.
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Old 11th January 2018, 5:04 PM   #7
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Lets not forget the fact that she was IN an affair. OP mentions the couple as "working on it". But what does that entail? Counselling? Group Marriage workshops? What has he done since your "indiscrecion" to help himself heal. Is he harboring past resentment?

Also, if I were him...I'd have a hard time staying with someone who thought I was only a "good enough guy". I want to be married to the person who thinks I'm the one and only...
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Old 12th January 2018, 12:33 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
That's the same "wishing and hoping" approach you've used for the last 10 years. How's it working so far ???

A good sexual relationship, like a healthy marriage, is built on communication. You can't afford NOT to get MC, time to fire up the computer and see if a local church or university offers free or discounted services.

Unless you want to be back here 10 years from now posting about the same thing...

Mr. Lucky
I agree, we need to make therapy a priority.
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Old 12th January 2018, 12:45 PM   #9
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Hi Almost, on reading your OP and subsequent post I get the feeling that the problem lies more in your mind than with anything that is actually wrong with your marriage. On the one hand you say your husband was supportive of you at a traumatic time when you were undergoing back surgery. On the other you say you feel disconnected from him and have found sexual chemistry to be the elephant in the room. You say when you were dating you told him a few months in that you were not ready for another relationship, having got out of a long term one just before you met him. At the time he gave you an ultimatum that if you left then he would not take you back because he did not want to be involved in a see saw relationship. That ultimatum made you decide to stick around with him. That decision of yours shows that for one thing, you were not being true to your core values and secondly, that you were prepared to settle for the first relationship that came your way.

You have been complaining about his sexting some one else but at the same time you say you are liberal enough to let him experience being with someone else casually because he said that he was a virgin when he met you and has only been with you and wondered what it would be like with someone else. I would have thought that sexting would be relatively harmless compared with having a casual sexual relationship with someone. There seems to be some sort of dissonance here. Also, your husband seems to have been true to you sexually except for the fact of his sexting whereas the same cannot be said of you. You say you were separated from him for three years ( or three Yeats ago I'm not sure) and you hooked up with someone else. I guess you were still married at the time so the onus of morality or ethics if you like lie, with you. Looking at your husband's overall commitment to your marriage I think you could have done much worse. Given the fact that due to your injuries or medical problems, you are dependent on him financially, I would think it should be your husband who should be here complaining about a SAHW who finds faults with him for minor issues. I'm not saying he would be right but I think you need to examine your perspectives and draw reasonable conclusions. The way I see it, if you leave, your husband would probably find a woman who loves him for who he is and who values what he brings to the relationship. Sometimes we do not value what we have till we have lost it. Just a thought. Warm wishes.
I first would like to say that you have made good points regarding my perspective. That's why I mentioned earlier that I think I need to be clear with my expectations and vice versa.

The sexting was an issue because he chose to hide it and lie about it even after we discussed the issue and both agreed we would be alright as long as it was not hidden. The lying was the issue. We all have needs myself included and sometimes we have to get creative, just don't want to be lied to about it.

As far as an "affair" is concerned I admit I was completely in the wrong doing what I did and own that. I went to therapy alone and addressed things. My husband surprisingly has forgiven me for that and we both want to move forward.

Things have actually been pretty good lately, yes we should see a therapist to ensure our communication and expectations are clear, but we have made small steps together such as turning off our phones and being present. We have more we need to work out, but we both seem commited to do anything anything we can.
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Old 12th January 2018, 12:47 PM   #10
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So, you guys have kids, and things get a little taxing and immediately jump on the separation train. Then, this happens.

-- Three years ago we had a brief separation where I had been with someone else during that time(I know totally ****ed that one up, just missed feeling desired and ignored for 3 years, no excuse but it happens), ---

Now, you still feel the need for validation and self worth, but are looking here on this site to get a thumbs up for leaving the marriage? Besides, counseling is too expensive? Wait for the divorce. I heard they ain't cheap.

Maybe you both made some mistakes early on in this relationship. Maybe you guys are truly out of sync and need a re-boot. But I can tell you this. With as much time you are spending complaining about me, me, me...Try looking into a mirror and see what YOU can change about yourself. How can You find your own self worth and add that to this marriage?
I'm betting a lot of the leg work is there...With you. If you can be happy with yourself first, then see if your husband adds to this happiness. There is a reason you both married and had kids, right? Where is that and how do you build upon that. Find yourselves, and find each other. Quit looking elsewhere to find things that don't exist or will end up in heartbreak.
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Old 12th January 2018, 12:47 PM   #11
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I totally agree that you cannot afford NOT to get counseling. It sounds like you both have a lot of confusion about your sexual identities, interest in commitment, and boundaries in your marriage. A good counsellor will provide a safe space for you boy to think and communicate through these issues.

It sounds like you you both care deeply about each other, which is a good start. You also have two kids and interdependent finances increasing the stakes. Do not use the financial excuse to avoid counselling. You can look for free services through a religious organization or cut your spending somewhere else, but this is something you really need. Keep in mind that divorce is much more expensive. Do it for your kids.
I agree we need to make therapy a priority, if just to get our communication and expectations clearly out there.
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Old 12th January 2018, 12:53 PM   #12
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Lets not forget the fact that she was IN an affair. OP mentions the couple as "working on it". But what does that entail? Counselling? Group Marriage workshops? What has he done since your "indiscrecion" to help himself heal. Is he harboring past resentment?

Also, if I were him...I'd have a hard time staying with someone who thought I was only a "good enough guy". I want to be married to the person who thinks I'm the one and only...
You forget that he isn't innocent here. Yes I made a huge mistake with being with another man while we were separated. I was honest with him about it, but it doesn't excuse it. He lied to me countless times over the years and we would just stick a band aid on it and move on instead of fixing the issues. Yes we need t make therapy a priority, in the last 3 years we have been making small changes as far as not being so distant and truly helping each other more.

I have tried to listen more and he has tried to help with the kids more. We have been trying to put down the electronics and be more present with each other. I honestly don't know how he was able to forgive me, I still don't forgive myself. I just know we will do anything we need to in order to make this work. I know the love is there.
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Old 12th January 2018, 12:58 PM   #13
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Well Op, you beat me in the post. Sorry. I can't edit the previous either.

I am glad you are working on this and learning to couple better. But I do want to mention that you can take easy positive steps that will improve both of your lives together.
Stop the negativity. Your thread title is all doom and gloom. Then most of the posts are about how to validate yourself into jumping ship.

I think you and your husband are stuck in a negative cycle. This needs to stop.
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Old 12th January 2018, 9:03 PM   #14
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As far as an "affair" is concerned I admit I was completely in the wrong doing what I did and own that. I went to therapy alone and addressed things. My husband surprisingly has forgiven me for that and we both want to move forward.
If he didn't have a history of this kind of behavior before your "mistake", you may be over-estimating the degree of forgiveness he's granted you regardless of what he's said. Resentment often plays a big part in revenge-oriented behavior such as this.

Have we mentioned MC ???

Mr. Lucky
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Old 18th February 2018, 3:36 PM   #15
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If he didn't have a history of this kind of behavior before your "mistake", you may be over-estimating the degree of forgiveness he's granted you regardless of what he's said. Resentment often plays a big part in revenge-oriented behavior such as this.

Have we mentioned MC ???

Mr. Lucky
The sexting started many years before we seperated and I stepped out. Almost 7 years ago I found out he sexted during the pregnancy of our son, even after he watched me almost die giving birth he was sexting as I lay on the couch holding our son. I didn't find out about it until our son was almost 6 months old. Having just had a baby together and never having serious issues before we decided to stay together and make it work.

Fast forward and he was caught texting a handful of times after that, but I loved him more than anything and would have done anything to fix us. He agreed too. He said all the right things etc. We were good for awhile and decided to have another child. We bought a house when I was 3 months pregnant with our daughter. We seemed great, sex life was very active and everything seemed good. That was until I caught him sexting when I was 7-8months pregnant. He fell sleep with his phone in his hand and got a text. I couldn't unlock his screen to view the entire text, but I woke him up and told him he had a text from some woman. A few months after our daughter was born is when I just had enough and wanted a separation.

Even after the separation and we reconciled and we both commited to each other again, just this past May 2017 he sexted some female and got caught up in some scam trying to extort money. I don't think he will ever truly stop sexting. I think he loves the attention from other women, loves hiding it from me, like it's some dirty fetish he has or something.
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