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I was used and suffered, i paid but i am done

Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 29th December 2017, 5:24 AM   #1
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I was used and suffered, i paid but i am done

Hey everyone, this is my first post here and wanted to share my experience in marriage and the blunt truth i finally faced.
16 years ago i travelled to Asia and i met a woman who i got married to in 2011. she has had just broke up from the " biggest love " of her life and at that time i admit i was a nice guy, not manipulating because i fall in love with her and being from a rich family i was soft and no balls. I made tons of mistakes, she gave me tons of hints to grow up but i was naive.

We were dating for 6 years and i know she was still in love with him. Even before we got married we had a fight over forcing her to delete him from facebook friends as well as few other old boyfriends. Obviously i was there as the last option... also, i knew she had 20k of debts which i helped her but said to myself what the heck for 20k.

After we got married She got pregnant and by accident i found out that she re initiated a contact with him, i encountered her and she got upset, obviously she still loved him.

for next year or so she was in her own world, few months after that incident i found again she was checking him on facebook, we fought again. Once she even called me with his name and when i confronted her she said i am delousional.

Aparently her debts were not 20k but 70k, i started to realized i was cheated and i was stupid. Her behaviour to me was bad, i remembered once while preparing to shower she threw cold water on my face because she was bored and started to laught. Her father borrowed some money and pretend nothing happened.

We then got a son and things changed, in a nutshell from being weak and used to "'either my way or you are out "

My life is great, i am good but not used anymore.

However, she recently keeps asking to go holidays in Australia, Melbourne. this is where her ex boyfriend leaves, she keeps insisting to go there, even asks my son to tell me " dad lets go melbourne for holidays "

Few years back i would get jealous but now no more, if meant to be then let it be.

I read a lot the last few years, did a lot and grew. From living in a spoilted life to becoming independent and living my OWN life with my OWN terms. I can finally say openly i was used and seems i was just a debt rescue for her. It hurts too much, very very much.

Do you think visiting Australia Melbourne has to do with her ex? There is nothing i can do but would appreciate a second thought. I am focused on my son and all what i care but this time not willing to tolarate bull****.

I am finally confident and feeling great and not willing to destroy my life. Had to go thru very bad times but i am done....

Happy new year all
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Old 29th December 2017, 5:59 AM   #2
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Some modest similarities to something I went through with my wife. Hanging on (Emotional affair) with past ex and not telling me. She also hid money issues. So I get it.

It is good you finally stood up for yourself and said "my way or the highway". Thats very good for you. Glad you feel in charge of your life. Way to go !

My situation was complicated because her home town was where her Ex was (actually MANY Ex's she hid from me). So we went back a few times after the wedding with some "rules". Rules like we stay together all the time while there, you don't take me anywhere the two of you went, etc. But this was her hometown so I felt I could not block it. After a few times she simply did not want to go back anymore. She "got it".

In your case I am not sure what Melbourne holds for her - other than fun times with her ex. Did she ever go there =spend time there - that did not involve her ex? If the only times she spent there where with her ex - then its time you stood up to her on this - AND - offered her alternatives - AU is a big place - lots of other cities and places to see. Heck go to NZ instead. But if this is a city that was only about her ex - then NO! and tell her to stop using your child. She is being selfish and has not done the work to repair things with you. I hope you are still carefully monitoring her computer and phone usage.
“Now I see that I will never find the light unless like a candle, I am my own fuel”

Last edited by dichotomy; 29th December 2017 at 6:05 AM..
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Old 29th December 2017, 7:31 AM   #3
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If she can afford to pay for herself to go to Melbourne...let her go. You don't need to go or fund the trip yourself.

Why are you still with her?
'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'
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Old 29th December 2017, 11:10 AM   #4
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If she ends up going out of the country I would be afraid to allow your son to go with her. When I got divorced I had it in the document my ex could not take my kids out of my state without my permission.

I didn't want to have the awful experience some divorced parents go through where the kids are relocated to an unreachable destination.
Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
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Old 29th December 2017, 11:22 AM   #5
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Tell her she is free to go to Melbourne...without your son...and stay there with the love of her life as a divorced woman paying her own way.
I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass through me. Where the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain." - Litany Against Fear
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Old 30th December 2017, 5:01 AM   #6
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Hi Meinsg, so where do you reside and where does your wife belong to? Without that perspective it is difficult to weigh in on your situation. Some women from particular Asian nations are notorious for duping Western men. I think the Philippines and Thailand fall in that category. If your wife wants to visit Australia then offer to take her yo Perth which is at the opposite end of the Australian continent from Melbourne. If she is adamant on going to Melbourne then just decline.

How are thongs generally now in your relationship? Do you plan on remaining married or are intending to divorce? A more comprehensive description of your situation will help folks on here to offer you advice and opinions. Warm wishes.
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