Am I truly happy?

[Jeschaal]

I don't know really where to start, so sorry if this is a bit jumbled. My husband and I will have been together eight years in September (married one year). For the most part, it's been the happiest, most memorable part of my life. We really don't fight, and have very similar interests, mine being a bit more broad and his more defined. We have also lived together for about seven of those years, which have also gone well (with mostly ups and a small handfuls of minuscule downs).

 

Anyway, the reason I'm on here is that over the past few months I have been having some doubts and frustrations and I don't know what to do about it and today was the last straw sort of. It starts with the subject of dogs (I will never have human kids so fur babies are my kids). We currently have one dog, an immensely brilliant, sweet, big dog in little body, loves you unconditionally, blue heeler mix. She is 26lbs and is just the best. I have wanted to get a second dog for probably six months to a year, and we have fought over it. I grew up with dogs, ever since I was a toddler there was a dog with me, whether it be my grandma's dog, parents' dog, neighbor's dog, you name it. He has only grown up with one dog, and I suspect is more of a cat person. When we go to the dog park, our pooch (Sylvie) is just so happy and wants to say hi to everyone there. She has this same excitement when she goes to my parents while we are on vacation, and she just adores their elderly lab mix (and he back). She is home alone for 7-8 hours a day, and I know Sylvie would absolutely love a friend, but he thinks our house is too small and it's more work that would just be too overwhelming.

 

In our discussion tonight after I found two blue heeler mixes that were 27-28lbs each and perfect candidates, his mom piped up that she wouldn't want two dogs at their vacation cabin (where we go on the weekends for relaxation) and I just had to stop myself. That's like telling your daughter, "Oh you can bring the one kid, but not the other one. That's just too much mess." I was appalled, angry, and hurt. It just astounded me to hear her say that. I wanted to reply that I just wouldn't come up anymore, but I held my tongue. I knew it would cause more problems. I brought it up to my husband later on and he just said people have different opinions and shrugged. I would never force someone to spend time in the company of my fur babies if it wasn't my own house but it did still hurt.

 

So we're in doggy stalemate again after a fight (which for us isn't a yelling match, it's just him saying no without giving me a valid answer and me being angry with him because he won't actually talk to me). Other than the dog issue there are other things I wanted to talk about:

 

I can't ask him something, ever, without getting a sarcastic remark. Example:

Me: Hey my cousin is getting married, I'm going to put us down as attending.

Him: Where is it?

Me: (location about two-three hours from where we live)

Him: Nope, not going.

Me: it's family, we're going.

Him: did they come to our wedding?

Me: No, but that doesn't matter.

Him: Nope, I'll be busy.

 

I put down two attending and still haven't gotten a definitive confirmation that I won't have to yell at his but to get him in the car.

 

I frequently snap at him when he gives me answers like this, and in the past I have had to tell him that he never gives me a normal, straight answer, in which suddenly he does.

 

I am not a good housewife. I never have been good at doing chores, even when I was a kid and still at home. I am neat and clean and tidy in comparison with my husband, and it drives me up the wall because his sloth nature is infectious. Especially when you are sick and tired of being the only person to cook, clean up, do the dishes, do the laundry, vacuum, shop for food, clean the bathrooms, and pack for vacations. I grew up in a home where the man of the house assisted in these, mostly in the cooking department, but still helped nonetheless, and I am jealous of what my mom has.

 

When my husband rented his first apartment after college his mom drove down and cleaned it and did his dishes and everything. Even shortly after I moved in, which was embarrassing.

 

I can manage with this but it's still frustrating and I definitely struggle some days with it.

 

I used to go camping, hiking, bike riding, and just spend general time outdoors, but I married a geek who, over the past years, has retreated to his computer more and more and it's now difficult to get him away when he doesn't want to. Granted, I'm a geek too, and have my own computer and what-have-you, but I definitely miss it. I have talked about liking the tear drop trailers and I get eye rolls from him. We went camping in the rain once and he hardly helped me set up the tent. I feel like a different person from who I used to be the first few years we were together. I thought you weren't supposed to change for someone?

 

Now, I don't want this to seem like a one-sided relationship. He is absolutely amazing and loves me so much. We have gone to New Zealand twice (he actually proposed on top of the Southern Alps where they filmed the Misty Mountains scene in the Lord of the Rings) and it was just wonderful. If I could have those trips last for the rest of my life I would be beyond happy. And we're talking about going to Europe next if I can get through the next leg of schooling. He buys me the best birthday and Christmas gifts, and little surprises throughout the year (like something I keep talking about getting but never do). I have very low self confidence and he helps boost me up, especially when I'm going out on a limb and attempt to wear a dress in front of family & friends or out in public.

 

He cares for me a lot. When I was driving a crappy in-between car and we were house shopping he didn't want to move far from where I worked because he didn't want me broken down somewhere. I had a flat tire one day and he was an hour late to work helping me. When I had surgery he was there, helping in recovery, making sure I got my meds on time, and helping me back to bed when I passed out that one time because I was tired of being in bed and heard video games lol.

 

We had a Middle Earth themed wedding and it was beautiful. He was so helpful. Not with decisions, but with set up and making sure we packed everything and brought everything. I will never forget that day.

 

But these last few months I have been having doubts that I don't like and I don't have anyone to talk to and I don't know what to do. So I'm here. I see other people who travel together, cry together, laugh together, and seem so much more like two peas in a pod than we do sometimes and I'm jealous.

 

Any help or suggestions are appreciated.

[central]

It sounds like you're incompatible on some key issues. He may like animals, but have no desire to have pets - they do require time, space, effort, and potentially expensive care. Combined with your acknowledged distaste for housekeeping, the mess may be a sincere objection for him.

[Jeschaal]

He has told me he doesn't care if we get another dog and another cat, just not right now. He wants me to finish school (which I haven't even started yet) so we will have my pharmacist salary to pay for everything and can get the house he thinks we need. Which means I will be in school 6-8 years, then another 2-3 saving money and paying my loans, and if our dog is 2.5 right now, she will most likely pass before she ever has a sibling.

 

As for the mess, he will help. The three required factors to get him involved are a) something stinks b) I am in an angry cleaning session because he doesn't help and the house is a mess or c) we have company coming over. He has never said anything to me about how I manage our home's cleanliness, and as for my distaste of housekeeping, I hate it because I am alone in doing it. We don't share chores very well unless it's hard work.

Edited August 20, 2017 by Jeschaal

[somanymistakes]

So we're in doggy stalemate again after a fight (which for us isn't a yelling match, it's just him saying no without giving me a valid answer

 

He has given you answers. You're just choosing to call them 'not valid' because they don't agree with you.

 

 

I can't ask him something, ever, without getting a sarcastic remark. Example:

Me: Hey my cousin is getting married, I'm going to put us down as attending.

Him: Where is it?

Me: (location about two-three hours from where we live)

Him: Nope, not going.

Me: it's family, we're going.

Him: did they come to our wedding?

Me: No, but that doesn't matter.

Him: Nope, I'll be busy.

 

I put down two attending and still haven't gotten a definitive confirmation that I won't have to yell at his but to get him in the car.

 

Now, I know this may not be completely accurate, but look over what you've written here.

 

You didn't ask him if he was interested in going to a wedding at all. You started, up front, at the very beginning with "I've agreed that you are going to go to this thing whether you like it or not." Without even telling him when and where, or which cousin, or why he would want to go, or what would be involved, or anything. You just decided for him and told him he was going to do a thing.

 

No surprise, he balks and says that no, he is NOT going to do that thing.

 

You don't ask him or try to convince him, you just continue to state that you are the boss and he is the servant and he has to do the thing.

 

He points out that even by politeness standards, this is unreasonable, they didn't go to your wedding.

 

You continue to state that you are the boss and he is the servant and he has to do the thing.

 

And then after you quote all this:

 

I put down two attending and still haven't gotten a definitive confirmation that I won't have to yell at his but to get him in the car.

 

You completely ignored his lack of consent and are acting like you're somehow put-upon that he hasn't acknowledged your authority.

 

Why are you treating him like a toddler? If he doesn't want to do a thing, you do not get to yell at him and physically drag him into a car to take him there.

 

 

Maybe this isn't fair and maybe this isn't how it really sounds when you're there, but here it sounds like you just refuse to listen to him if he doesn't agree with you.

 

 

I used to go camping, hiking, bike riding, and just spend general time outdoors, but I married a geek who, over the past years, has retreated to his computer more and more and it's now difficult to get him away when he doesn't want to. Granted, I'm a geek too, and have my own computer and what-have-you, but I definitely miss it. I have talked about liking the tear drop trailers and I get eye rolls from him. We went camping in the rain once and he hardly helped me set up the tent. I feel like a different person from who I used to be the first few years we were together. I thought you weren't supposed to change for someone?

 

You don't think you should have to change, but you think HE should have to change?

 

If he doesn't want to go do outdoors stuff, you may need to find other friends to do that with.

 

 

Again I think it's likely that you're just frustrated and it's making you sound more snappish than you actually are, I'm just trying to show you how some of these things can come across.

[elaine567]

The husband does not match up to her ideal of what HER husband should be.

It is not uncommon, many women want the same - she wants a partner, someone to do stuff with, she wants to be a couple and do things together because they both want to do them, she wants to be able to attend family events without a fight, she wants someone who takes his fair share of the chores, someone who appreciates her, someone who loves dogs as much as she does.. etc. etc.

 

I am neat and clean and tidy in comparison with my husband, and it drives me up the wall because his sloth nature is infectious. Especially when you are sick and tired of being the only person to cook, clean up, do the dishes, do the laundry, vacuum, shop for food, clean the bathrooms, and pack for vacations. I grew up in a home where the man of the house assisted in these, mostly in the cooking department, but still helped nonetheless, and I am jealous of what my mom has

Huge bone of contention and it won't improve one iota...

 

I see other people who travel together, cry together, laugh together, and seem so much more like two peas in a pod.. I married a geek who, over the past years, has retreated to his computer more and more and it's now difficult to get him away when he doesn't want to.

She doesn't have the closeness she desires, and it can end up being a very lonely path to tread.

[sandylee1]

You had 7 years before getting married and now you're not happy with things?

 

Surely these things aren't a surprise.

 

He's said he's not going to the wedding. You have a definitive response, but you don't like the response. Go by yourself or take a friend.

 

He can decide what he wants to do.

 

He also has a valid reason for delaying more pets. They cost money and you who wants them are not earning enough yet.

 

I'm sorry, but pets are not comparable to children. Never will be. Two dogs may be more than your MIL can handle. In which case find alternative accommodation for them.

 

Finally, you must stop trying to change him. He is who he is.... You married him knowing this.

 

Not quite finally a.............. Marriage requires compromise and you don't seem to be compromising. What is happening is you get unhappy if it's not going your way.

[anika99]

Your husband has some flaws that he should probably work on but since you say he also has wonderful qualities then maybe you could spend more time focussing on the good things about him and less time focussing on the negatives.

 

That conversation about attending the wedding you gave as an example of him being sarcastic and never giving a straight answer was neither sarcastic or unclear. He gave you a very straight answer that was not sarcastic. You ignored his answer and went ahead with what you wanted to do. He doesn't want to go, he said he doesn't want to go. Your response was 'too bad, you're going'. Now there are very good reasons to attend a family wedding and to expect your spouse to attend with you but you should have been willing to discuss it with him rather than just ordering him to like you're his mother or something. You could have made a concession like 'let's just go to the ceremony and spend a couple of hours with my family and then we can go do something you want to do.

 

I have an older dog and lucky for me he prefers people over other dogs. Gets crazy excited when people come to visit but has no interest in other four legged creatures. I say lucky for me because he is still very active, gets himself dirty and brings that dirt into the house, sheds like crazy and is very expensive due to some minor medical conditions he has developed with age and needing regular trips to the groomer as his hair continuously grows and needs to be cut just like a person. No way could I take on the mess, time and expense of another pet. Based on the fact that neither you or your husband are big on housework and you are still in school your husband may have some good reasons for not wanting a second dog right now. Take your dog to the dog park to play with other dogs if you think he is lonely for doggie companionship. Maybe take him to a doggie daycare for an occasional day or 1/2 day.