"Break up" in marriage and infidelity

[Btaylor25]

I'm driving myself nuts and would just like some POSITIVE insight. I can not take any negativity.

 

Me and my husband got into a fight weekend before last. He was trying to take the car that's in myname and had been drinking so I said no and he called the police. They said it doesn't matter if it's in my name we are married. I proclaimed to them I knew that. If he wanted to leave he could walk, I will not be left with a 10 month old (our son together) without a vehicle. So he left. He comes back in the morning ranting and raving about how I didn't care to check on him. I went I bed shortly after he left. So the fight drags on. He tells me to leave. Was yelling and being verbally abusive. We said hurtful things to each other. I leave to Texas, we live in Oklahoma so it's an 1hr 1/2 drive. I stay with a girlfriend he tells me he's really done for me not to come back and his has happened once before we were married so I was like whatever we just need some space. We have been fighting for a month about how he works 5-6 12 hour days and I work take care of our son cook clean manager bills ect. He didn't feel appreciated and neither did I. Anyways while I'm gone I sense he means business that it's done so I be as sweet as possible and beg him I tell him we are married with a kid he can't just give up. He proceeds to go with he doesn't want to be with me. I come back home a couple nights later and he gets a hotel. He says he wants to catch up on sleep. The whole time I was gone I found out he made a plenty of fish profile. He also downloaded live me which is a live stream app and Kik. Which he lied about all of it saying he downloaded it for a few seconds then deleted it. I dig a little further. Turns out when he was in the hotel he stayed up until 3 am talking to another woman talking sexual and sending naked photos. He said he couldnt get into it and that he was just trying to get over me. 4 days after we break up! Like really?? We are married there is no breaking up so I feel. I would like if he let me recover the deleted Kik messages to let me see what all happened but he won't let me I feel it's really bad because he told me bits and pieces but he lies and I want to see the truth for myself. I picked him up the next morning from the hotel and we dtd. This is before I knew about the girl on Kik. Now I feel he may have been thinking about her and the night before. After I find out he says he can only get hard for me, that he felt bad and it was wrong the whole time he just wanted to see if he could get over me and he says it was wrong but it made him realize his love for me which I find is bulls**t lol. What if he cheats while we are together or it gets rough again so he does this again ? I dont want a broken marriage but I can't find myself getting over this I get sick looking at him. I feel betrayed. Sorry for long story. I would just like some insight. TIA.

[Jersey born raised]

Two points: first your marriage is toxic to both of you. You need to get to the root of the issues and address them if the marriage is to survive. You might want to read "His needs Her needs" and 5loveLanguages.

 

Second: people do stupid things. That's on them not you. Adultery is aiways competly on the adulterer. They must address this issue first, then then the issues.

 

Can you share more about yourself, your husband, and the marriage? Remember each of them is it's own entity.

[Btaylor25]

I met him after I divorced my ex and he had broken up with us girlfriend of 4 years who he had a child with. Our relationship in the beginning was amazing. I've never felt so in love like this. Everyone kept telling us they wish they could find a love like ours. I got pregnant after 2 months of being together. We got married a couple months after our son was born. We started having issues when I became pregnant because we would go out and drink and party but it all stopped. He wanted to continue but I felt like we needed to focus on being responsible and parents. Take in mind we were drunk one night and planned to get pregnant. We would be amazing for a while and then fight and it would be bad. Then we would be better. We'd fight over him working and me not because I was pregnant. In his last relationship she had a job and worked even while pregnant. I was a stripper for 6 years before I met him. He always says I'm good at sex and sucking. Lol tmi. He's scared I was a hoe before but I wasn't. I was married for 5 years before and I was faithful just because you're a strpper does not mean your a whore or doing nasty things, I was clean and didn't do anything extra just dance. I found out before we were together he was messaging a bunch of girls on fb sending naked pics talking dirty and I was so scared he'd do that to me and he did but he says he was really done and wanted to get his mind off of me. He said he couldnt get into it because he felt wrong and it made him realize he does love me.. yeah. Sure. Lol. I'm 25 he's 26. I've always had a bad problem with using my words harshly. If I feel hurt I will say whatever to hurt you more. It's wrong I know. We have been withholding our love from each other for a while. I do because I'm scared he would cheat and he was scared as well for me to do that to him. I've been cheated on a lot and so has he. Idk I feel like he made my worst nightmare come true and idk what to do. He wasn't going to tell me. I has to dig through his phone to find out. He's like dead to the world. I want him to feel remorse for what he did but his feeling aren't there. He works 12 hour days M-S more often than not and never gets sleep. I'm not making excuses just laying everything out on the table. Any other questions just ask. I'm 25 he's 26.

[wmacbride]

This may not be what you were looking for, but have you considered spending some time on your own to find out more about who "you" are and what you need in life?

 

You're still really young, and so is your spouse. Add to that that this is your second marriage, and I really wonder how well you know yourself, as you spend so much of your life being "someone elses".

 

Who are you? What are you goals? What are your dreams? How will you make them happen?

 

When I read your post, you sound like a woman who is really feisty, strong, a "people person" and you also sound like you have a good intellect. Those are wonderful traits to have ( and I'm jealous, as I am definitely not a people person:laugh:) How can you put those to work for you to give yourself the kind of life you want?

 

I can't say much one way or the other about your husband, except that he sounds immature and needs to grow up. Do you feel okay about having to wait for him to do so?

[Btaylor25]

I feel like you really hit the nail on the hammer. I have no idea who I am. I live in my husband's world I do what he wants watch what he wants and listen to the music he likes. I have maybe picked something to listen to and watch 3% of our being together. He is immature. I am a people person, I am one of he most awesome funny out going people I know. I'm usually that person when I'm away from him or with other people and him, not alone. I am not myself fully around him. I just hate being alone lol.

[MuddyFootprints]

I think there is probably something good to watch on Netflix. It's cheap. Black Mirror is a good one to waste some time with. Maybe it will spice the creativity up a notch.