I'm married to Jekyll/Hyde, and am becoming Mrs. Hyde instead of Mrs Jekyll

[km]

Just a rant, but any feedback would be nice...

 

I shouldn't complain. My problem's pretty minor, in comparison to some here, and is largely self-created. I know I should get therapy -- it's just that I've experienced it before, and it never really helped. Everything I should do/know, I KNOW in my "logical brain." It's my "emotional brain" that gets in the way and needs compassion and advice.

 

My husband is Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde. Far as I know, never cheated and never wanted to. Used to have substance abuse issues. Continues to have problems with maturity (his mother was cold woman who really messed him up), honesty, arrogance, anger, communication, ethics. At times, the nicest, sweetest, most considerate guy in the world. Pulls his share of the load around the house. At other times, a complete baby and sociopath who thinks he's god's gift to the world when, in fact, he's a huge prick.

 

Over the course of our now 20 years together, I've changed from a happy, carefree, loving person to an anxious, overly cautious person who reacts to sudden outbursts (the immaturity leads to tantrums, though he's never gotten physical) with outbursts of my own, who reacts to inexplicable rage with inexplicable rage, who reacts to insults with insults. I'm told I now "nag," though I surely don't see it that way. I think I'm always in "defensive" mode. The littlest things set me off, because I see them as predictors of "another episode."

 

I think I know that he will have fewer outbursts/tantrums/dishonest/arrogant/angry periods if he's happy. I think I know it's easier to be happy when you live with someone who doesn't nag you, doesn't criticize or insult you. The question I have tonight, I guess, is, how can I get through to him that I want us to be happy - that I want to stop the shouting, insulting - I know it has to be through my behavior, but how do I keep my cool and not "fight fire with fire" when he starts up?

 

Anyone out there who's getting what I'm (not very clearly) trying to say? Anyone else who can relate? Anyone with advice on how to maintain your cool and your REAL SELF without being pulled into a behavior you DON'T WANT to exhibit by years and years and years of habit?

 

thanks

KM

[bluechocolate]

I suppose after 20 years of this you've realised that

 

....outbursts of my own, who reacts to inexplicable rage with inexplicable rage, who reacts to insults with insults

 

is only adding fuel to the fire?

 

Personally I can't stand violence & even though it may not be physical I consider inexplicable rage & insults to be a form of violence.

 

The question I have tonight, I guess, is, how can I get through to him that I want us to be happy - that I want to stop the shouting, insulting.....

 

Tell him that. Tell him that you're willing to "discuss" why he feels so angry but you won't participate in a shouting match. Tell him that when he behaves that way you're going to vacate the premises until he calms down enough to talk rather than shout. Maybe you could suggest that the both of you enroll in some kind of anger management course.

 

I know it has to be through my behavior, but how do I keep my cool and not "fight fire with fire" when he starts up?

 

By physically leaving him alone - even if it's only another room where you can close the door & put some headphones on. I'll always remember an Aunt of mine who was married to a very angry man & whenever he started up she would just quietly sing church hymns until it was over - mind you I think that was classic passive-aggressive behaviour because it drove him crazy but at least it meant he was shouting at the walls as far as she was concerned.

 

A habit of 20 years is going to be very hard to break but you know that one of you has got to stop the cycle of shouting & insults & it sounds like that task has to fall to you first - lead by example.

 

Good luck.

[lonelyctg]

Oh my God! Are you sure we are not sharing the same husband and don't even know it???? I would describe my husband as being the exact same way, although mine still has a substance abuse problem. When my husband gets in the car, look out. He gets so mean, drives like a crazed maniac. I swear, if they needed a poster chld for road rage driving, it would be him.

I totality changed from a carefree, fun loving person to being just as you described. I am always on edge now, like walking on glass. I am also a "nag" too!

It's too weird. Mine can be a big baby too, he acts like he never grew up and doesn't know how to be in a relationship. His father treated him like **** growing up and his mother pretty much ignored him. I have a 9 year old girl from my first marriage, and my husband acts like he can't stand her to even be alive.

I've thought about divorce many, many times, but sometimes he can be the sweetest guy.... I just don't understand!!!

Go figure.

[Ladyjane14]

It could be depression. Men seem to act out more in anger than in a show of sadness when they are chemically depressed. My personal theory....but I've observed many men who at the onset of middle-age, usually in their early 40's, have a very difficult adjustment period to the changes in their bodies.

 

When you've got a man who was "high-maintenance" to begin with (to put it nicely)....the mood swings can be vicious.

 

Possibly, the first stop should be a check-up, and a frank discussion with his doctor. I have to warn you though.... In my personal situation, I had to threaten divorce. Which in actuality was not much of a "threat", because I SINCERELY meant it at the time!

 

(You should NEVER issue an ultimatum that you are not prepared to live with.)

 

I've also been married over 20 years, and I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. My husband is also, the "high-maintenance" kind.

 

It can get a whole lot better, but it'll never be perfect. Which is okay for me. I don't need or expect perfect. What I do need and expect is a man who will treat me as a team-mate, rather than an adversary.....and our relationship had dissolved into a game of 'one-up-man-ship' between two opponents. Unacceptable.

 

The first step for us was to treat the depression. Then, we BOTH had to change our ways. The key step in that was to prioritize your partner's needs as if they were your own.

 

I do that better than he does, and I also have fewer needs than he does for the most part. It may seem to others an unequal arrangement.....but it works for us. For my part, I just have to remember to speak up when I am not having my needs met, and everything else seems to take care of itself. That is, AFTER I made the initial changes on how I dealt with him.

 

For his part, he has more or less learned to communicate with me in ways that I can understand, and which are more respectful of my feelings. And when he fails to do that....he takes responsibility for it immediately. He also puts 100% more thought and effort into finding ways to please me and make my life a little happier.

 

Much like your situation, what I had been doing was NOT working. He'd get in about 3 or 4 pot-shots at me....then about the fifth time, I'd go off like an A-Bomb! So, I changed my tactics. If he's complaining about something...I give him sympathy. Bear in mind, that he never says anything that's personally abusive to me. If he did, then it would NOT be sympathy that he'd be receiving....I guarantee you!

 

More likely, it's b*tching and complaining about whatever is making him feel overwhelmed at the moment. In these incidences, I usually give him a hug and a kiss and ASK him..."what can I do to help?". Instead of pouring gasoline on the fire....I've doused it with water. Because now he feels supported, and before he felt ALONE and OVERWHELMED.

 

I can't even begin to describe the turn-around since then. He still b*tches, but it's not focused anymore on me, or really even on anyone else. He's able to share the burden, and then let it go. And he's feeling soooo much better that he's just a joy to have around most of the time.

 

Case in point....last night, he's going off about a stray cat we took in. She's a terrible pain in the butt, and going through a stubborn-streak in litterbox training....which mind you, will be eventually solved and she'll end up being a nice kitty. But the kids are already attached, so I'm willing to work through the issues with her until she IS a "nice kitty".

 

So, he's laying in the bed, watching basketball, and....griping about the new cat. And I'm starting to feel a little frustrated by his inability to cope with the situation as a temporary one. So, instead of following my instincts....I give him a big grin and stick my hand down his pants.

 

Suddenly, he's not terribly concerned about the cat....go figure.

 

Now, he knows that I hear him about the cat, and I'm aware of his feelings on the subject. And, he further knows that I'm going to have my way on it. He already knew that to begin with.

 

But, it really wasn't all about the cat anyhow....it was more of a matter of unspoken frustrations in his inability to control every aspect of his environment. Which is just tough....in a "sorry about your luck" kind of way. Family-life is mostly a matter of 'controlled chaos". But it's good when you remember the reasons that you put up with it.

 

In the end, I think my advice to both of you ladies would be to do the unexpected. Fight fire with WATER.