lost

[ruby31]

I've been married for almost two years now. we've had our ups and downs but the arguing for the last couple months have been insane. It goes anywhere from helping me out around the house, to going out to much, drinking, the past and my fear of him hurting me. I feel at a loss. Divorce is not an option, I love this man so much and I am not willing to give up what we share but the arguing is getting to much. it's wearing us both out. he's changed since marriage I feel like he doesn't want to really spend time alone with me anymore he always wants us to go out with his friends. we both work full time jobs were both so exhausted but he always wants to go out, I've told him I'm too tired (I do crazy shift work anywhere from 5:30am-11pm) to go out and just want to have alone time with him at home but he refuses. I feel like I've lost my sense of self since marriage I have an anger inside me I've never known and I feel like I have no friends to turn to anymore. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere anymore. I feel lost. I don't want to lose him because I'm not the strong girl he fell in love with anymore. I feel pathetic and weak. I thought in marriage I would never have to feel alone again...that I would be his first priority over his friends. he wants to have kids but I can't bring myself to do it because I don't want to do it alone I want his.support to be there for us. his friends and family want to hang out 3+ a week. how are we supposed to be building our live when no one gives us a break. am I crazy for feeling this way?

[loosingme31]

I am sorry you are feeling lost, as I know what that feels like. You really need to talk with him, tell me directly what you need for him to do to make you feel special. You can even write him a letter, leave it for him to read and in the letter ask him to make sometime to talk about how you are feeling. Come up with a plan to get more time with him.

 

For yourself, join some groups, online and in person and start doing things to keep bettering yourself. You need your own hobbies and interest. Having a Mate brings joy to ones life, but a mate does not fill every void in us. You still need to be an individual.

 

Work at your marriage and if he is willing to work at it too then you guys will reap the benefits. Hold on, marriage is tough but so worth it.

 

sending positive energy your way.

[JHandy]

My first marriage was exactly like this. Never got better. Nearly 20 years later we divorced. Kids were a bandaid that didn't work.

 

You can work all you want at your marriage, but he has to as well, otherwise it's pointless.

 

Sorry

[BaileyB]

You fight over your fear that he will hurt you... Am I reading this correctly? Oh my, this is really not good. This is way more serious than the usual "ups and downs" of marriage. If you are really afraid that he will physically hurt you, you need to leave the relationship. That's the bottom line.

 

Otherwise, marriage should be work but it shouldn't be this much work. Any relationship that leaves you feeling pathetic, weak, like you've lost your sense of self, and angry (your words) is not a healthy relationship.

 

You say that divorce is not an option... If the other option is staying in a very unhealthy relationship that is destroying my self esteem and self confidence... Well, I'd chose divorce everyday!

 

Good luck to you Ruby. You really need to think about whether you want to spend the rest of your life like this... And if not, search for some support to help you to gather your strength and search for a different way...

[redtail]

I don't want to lose him because I'm not the strong girl he fell in love with anymore.

So sorry, this is bad situation. I don't think that you are weak, the situation is enough to take its toll on anybody. It's a common recommendation, but therapy for both of you is long over due.

 

Curious, why is divorce not an option?

 

You can work all you want at your marriage, but he has to as well, otherwise it's pointless.(

This is SO true, both people must want to make the situation better.

 

Best of luck to you!

[ruby31]

hey guys,

he wouldn't ever physically hurt me. I should have explained better. in the past I've been emotionally hurt by others, I don't want to go back to that depressed place again. I've never been around a healthy relationship my entire life. my parents are together but they don't have a relationship. all I've know is arguments and pain. I've given him my everything. I guess as time went he stopped appreciating me as he used to and I've resulted to bickering to get it back. I'm not afraid of being alone, I was like that for a very long time before my marriage. I choose to be with my husband because he makes me happy. I feel like never had a proper concept of what marriage was. It made me damaged and is making me damage us. I thought that in order to keep it strong I had to focus on us 24/7 so I lost my friends, I feel like I don't know how to be a wife, I feel like im suffocating him and I hate myself for it. I want to be a good wife and make him happy but in the process of trying I lost myself and merged myself into his identity.

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel like he doesn't want to really spend time alone with me anymore he always wants us to go out with his friends. we both work full time jobs were both so exhausted but he always wants to go out, I've told him I'm too tired (I do crazy shift work anywhere from 5:30am-11pm) to go out and just want to have alone time with him at home but he refuses.

 

You're feeling that you never want to go out is just as unreasonable as his desire to go out every night. Seems like there should be a middle ground, including him occasionally going by himself (if that's what he wants) while you stay home (if that's what you want).

 

As always, communication is the key...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited December 10, 2016 by Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

hey guys,

he wouldn't ever physically hurt me. I should have explained better. in the past I've been emotionally hurt by others, I don't want to go back to that depressed place again. I've never been around a healthy relationship my entire life. my parents are together but they don't have a relationship. all I've know is arguments and pain. I've given him my everything. I guess as time went he stopped appreciating me as he used to and I've resulted to bickering to get it back. I'm not afraid of being alone, I was like that for a very long time before my marriage. I choose to be with my husband because he makes me happy. I feel like never had a proper concept of what marriage was. It made me damaged and is making me damage us. I thought that in order to keep it strong I had to focus on us 24/7 so I lost my friends, I feel like I don't know how to be a wife, I feel like im suffocating him and I hate myself for it. I want to be a good wife and make him happy but in the process of trying I lost myself and merged myself into his identity.

 

In this case, I would suggest to you that you find a counsellor that you trust to help you to rediscover your own identity and learn what it is to have/be part of a healthy relationship. It's not your fault that you've never seen a healthy relationship, but it is your responsibility to try and learn what you can to make your marriage the best it can be. And, it's really easy to lose your identity in a relationship... Again, counselling will help you to find a healthy balance.

 

Good luck to you.

[Jump Through Loops]

Get rid of the crazy shift work. You work to live, not live to work. Create a healthy routine that suits both of you and focus on the fact that when he wants to go out he wants YOU to be with him.

 

 

Ask yourself why he wants the both of you to go out instead of being at home. Could it be that whenever you manage to be both at home you argue, but when you're out and about you don't?

 

 

Communicate maturely, both of you, instead of nagging each other to death, instead of nagging your marriage to death.

 

 

Two years of marriage is early days, you both have a lot to learn about each other. Arrange an occasional 'heart to heart' evening every once in a while to clear the air and to learn more about each other in a mature fashion, but don't just focus entirely on each others negatives, also focus on each others positives by pointing them out to each other, praise each other, and then finish off by bonking each other silly.

 

 

Oh, H not doing his bit around the home? Don't TELL him he should be doing his bit, inform him why he should be doing his bit, inform him you shouldn't have to ask for him to do his bit, and inform him that like you, he should be doing his bit out of desire and his love for you. Just like you do for him.

 

 

Reengage with your friends, but don't over do it.

 

 

Once more; Get rid of the crazy shift work.