I feel like my marriage is falling apart & I don't know what to do.

[Teag]

I am so frustrated right now. My husband seems like he has changed so much since about October. He lost his job over something he was blamed for but didn't do. He was out of a job for about 2 months before his last job called him back BEGGING him to come back so he did. Well things went on like they had been (they took advantage of him SO bad b/c he's suck a good worker.) well we got behind on all our bills b/c I just can't pay mine & his bills w/ my paycheck & we started fighting about money. He really didn't try to find another job while he was out of work, well not hard enough anyway, he had only put in like 3 applications during the 2 months he was out of work. Then in January he quit his job b/c he just couldn't take it anymore, he had threatned to so I told him he needed to find another job first but he didn't. Luckily he was only out of work for about 2 weeks this time & now he likes his job they just have him on a weird schedule, like he'll work for 3-4 hours then come home for an hour then go back in for 2-3 hours.

 

But since he lost his job the first time it's almost like he doesn't care anymore. He is so mean sometimes. It just takes the SMALLEST things to piss him off. We have been together for almost 5 years & married for 3yrs & have always been happy until now. We've had our fight of course but it seems like we argue everyday. Last night I came home in a good mood. I carpool w/ my mother in law & got home & he came out the car to get our daughter. I went inside & went in the kitchen to start making dinner but decided to ask my H if he wanted to go out & eat. well I walk to the door & he's standing there talking to his mom & I go back in the kitchen. I walked out there & he says take this really rudely & throw our daughters stuffed animal at me so I walk back inside to put it up & he yells "Thanks a$$) & I'm like what?!! Well he puts our daughter down & throws her blankie down & he drops her (tiny) easter basket. He picks everything up & storms in the house. He says something being a smart a$$ so I tell him well I'm going upstairs you can take care of your daughter tonight. I kiss my daughter & go upstairs.

 

I can hear him slamming cabinets downstairs then I hear him talk real loud saying well if your mom would stop being a bitch you would be eating already(this was like 15 minutes later) then he called me a Fu*king slacker. I stay upstair until its time to give my D a bath & put her to bed. I put her to bed then went downstairs to get me something to eat (this is alittle after 8pm, I get home about 6pm) His best friend was over & H made a comment to him saying "If babybluangel wouldn't have avoided her family all night" & I was like so you wanted me to stay down here while you talked to me like I was a piece of sh*t?!! Then he was like well if you would have helped me when i called you blah blah blah. I was like I didn't hear you blah blah blah which I didn't, I was in the kitchen how could I?? Well I started crying & yelled at him saying "If your so miserable w/ me & so miserable w/ your lifew/ me why don't you go find someone who can make you happy b/c I'm certainly not." Then he stormed out the door & left w/ his Best friend.

 

He got so pissed when I said that but I don't know what else to do. I'm so tired of fighting w/ him & my emotions can't take too much. I love him SO much but sometimes I can't stand him. I've even gotten where I don't even want to have sex w/ him. I feel like crying right now just thinking aout it. This morning we didn't

speak to each other unless it was concerning our daughter. He brought me to work this morning & we didn't speak when I got out the car (I was driving) he walked around the car & I was about to walk around him but he stopped me & hugged me & kissed me & told me he loved me & told me to call him. I haven't called him, haven't talked to him. I'm waiting to see if he calls me after he gets off work like he always does.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like giving up. I don't think he's cheating on me or anything like that. I normally talk to him 5-6 times a day while I'm at work(I work w/ family in an office so thats not a problem) He's been spending alot of time at his friends house which I don't mind b/c he has a wife & 3 kids. right now H been picking him up after he gets off work @ 10pm but instead of dropping him off he'll hang out for an hour or 2. (I know he's there b/c most of the time I'm on the phone chatting w/ his friends wife) I don't mind once or twice a week, but its gotten to be ever night. I have been b*tching about it b/c I don't get to spend much time w/ him. It seems like he would rather hang out w/ him than spend time w/ me. I just don't know what to do. His brother even said he's changed. I've asked his brother if I was that much of a bitch he said you USE to bitch alot (when I was bringing my daughter to work w/ me) but lately you've been letting him do whatever he wants & he's been a a**h***. So its not just me who sees it. Could any guys tell me what he's going through & tell me what I can do?? Any advice would be much appreciated.

[moimeme]

He probably got depressed over being jobless. Stress can really do a number on people and it can tip them right into depression. Men can act out depression as anger. These wierd hours are also no help.

 

Don't fight with him. When you're both in a good mood, sit down and have a talk with him and ask him how he's feeling. Don't nag him - it won't help. Talk to him and try to find out what's causing the anger. He may have some grievance he's not airing.

 

BTW - you just said you're having trouble paying bills but then you say you were going to go out to eat. If you've got money problems, you have to quit doing stuff like that!

[Teag]

No we were having money problems but things are fine now financially, we got everything caught up & paid a month ahead when we got our taxes back.

 

I just got off the phone w/ him & he acted like everything was fine, like last night never happened. Grr that drives me crazy, Why won't he address that we fought? It's almost like I don't want to bring it back up b/c I don't want to fight about it again.

[whichwayisup]

He probably got depressed over being jobless. Stress can really do a number on people and it can tip them right into depression. Men can act out depression as anger. These wierd hours are also no help.

 

I agree. He is depressed and quite unhappy...With HIMSELF. I'm sure it isn't about you or the marriage.

 

My suggestion would be to get him to see a therapist...When he's in a talkative mood.

 

There isn't much you can do except give him space and time to figure things out. Do little nice things for him, make him feel good about himself.

 

At the same time, do things that you would like to do, spend time with friends, enjoy life...Maybe he'll realize he's put up walls and see what effect it's having on you and the marriage...Seems right now he isn't seeing the whole picture and is definately not thinking too clearly...He's too deep inside his own head to notice anything else. I say this cuz I've been there with the loss of the job, being depressed...It got out of control and spun into an anxiety disorder (Been seeing a therapist for a year now, doing alot better) and I denied it and pretended nothing was wrong until I realized I was getting worse and knew I had to get some help...The going further into the deep tunnel scared the crap out of me. That is where he could be right now. I could be wrong too, but from what you said the signs are there.

 

Good luck and I hope this helps abit.

[Teag]

Good luck and I hope this helps abit.

 

Thanks, Maybe that is whats going on. It's hard b/c we use to talk about everything, but now its just seems like he's keeping everything from me. But I am going to start doing things for myself. He's actually been really nice since our big fight & we had a really good weekend.