Unfulfilled in marriage + work colleague encounter

[Aloneuk]

Hi

 

I am in my early 30s and have been with my husband for 8 years, married for less than 1 year.

 

Our relationship was brilliant in the start but has been harder since around year 4, which coincided with him setting up his own business which has put a lot of pressure on our relationship both in the time we spend together and financially (remortgaging our house to support the business, etc and I am also the main breadwinner now).

 

He spends long hours at work, takes calls, emails etc every evening, and is away a lot (in the last month he has been away 3 weekends for work events and exhibitions). Partly because he enjoys it and partly because he is determined to make it a success.

 

This leaves me at home on my own a lot and I have found this difficult to handle. I have tried to pursue my own interests and use the opportunity to socialise with friends and family but I do feel I am missing something in my life.

 

Even when he is home, he is not keen to make the most of our time together. We have been away twice this year on cheap European city weekend breaks, both have been under my instigation and he wasnt overly bothered about going. He also spent a lot of time sleeping whilst away, probably through exhaustion from working so hard.

 

I have been asking him for around 2 years about how I would like us to do a regular 'date night' so we can spend more quality time together when he is free (rather than sitting at home in front of tv and not talking). I arranged a few date nights, just simple meals out or pub quiz nights, nothing extravagant but then stopped because it was never reciprocated. I bring the subject up every few months and mention how unhappy I am but he has not yet done anything to try to change it. He has no interest on going on holiday, I think partly because he travels so much for work so on his down time he just wants to relax at home. I on the other hand love to travel and work hard in my 9 to 5 job but am not able to do this as much as I would like because of his work commitments and also he doesnt seem keen. I'm sure if I never suggested or instigated a dinner or holiday again, we would never, ever do it.

 

I am also emotionally unfulfilled. We never talk about us or the future, and if I try he just says 'I dont know what to say'. Our whole life also hinges on this business and whether it will be successful or not as we have so much invested in it. I try and talk about where he sees us in the future and he just says he doesnt know.

 

I feel his business has sucked everything out of our relationship. The business is also his personal hobby (he has a sports company and used to compete himself) so there are no chances of it ever ending.

I feel I could cope with him being away if when he was home he made me feel loved and special but he doesnt seem to have the energy or inclination. I find myself pulling away, spending more time with friends and our sex life has been affected because I don't feel I want to be as intimate with him (although I still find him very attractive).

 

It has come to a head for me because on a recent work night out after an evening of lots of drinks, a work colleague made a move on me. He also told me how beautiful he thinks I am, how much he likes me, etc etc. I pushed him away but I found myself much more tempted than I should have been and since that night I have really been questioning my marriage.

 

I discussed the drunken night with this work colleague after and we agreed it was fuelled by the alcohol and shouldnt have happened. But it led to a conversation about relationships (work colleague is not married but in a very long term relationship) and I felt he talked to me more in that awkward embarrased chat about relationships etc than my husband has in years!! Since then I have been questionning more about whether my husband can meet my needs emotionally and from a 'what I want to do with my life' aspect.

 

I should mention here that I do love him a lot. He is a great man with good morals but is obviously a workaholic (his parents are the same) whereas I am a work to live sort of person. I know he loves me but I really need more emotional involvement from a relationship which he doesnt seem to be able to give to me. I feel guilty as he is obviously trying to make a success of the business but it literally is everything to him. I help him with his business too as well as working full time so I am supporting as much as I can. I know he is trying to secure a good future for us but I don't think our relationship will last if we dont invest some time and energy into it.

 

Does anyone have any advice for our situation?

 

Thanks for reading and sorry its so long!

[fenix]

Hi

 

I am in my early 30s and have been with my husband for 8 years, married for less than 1 year.

 

Our relationship was brilliant in the start but has been harder since around year 4, which coincided with him setting up his own business which has put a lot of pressure on our relationship both in the time we spend together and financially (remortgaging our house to support the business, etc and I am also the main breadwinner now).

 

He spends long hours at work, takes calls, emails etc every evening, and is away a lot (in the last month he has been away 3 weekends for work events and exhibitions). Partly because he enjoys it and partly because he is determined to make it a success.

 

This leaves me at home on my own a lot and I have found this difficult to handle. I have tried to pursue my own interests and use the opportunity to socialise with friends and family but I do feel I am missing something in my life.

 

Even when he is home, he is not keen to make the most of our time together. We have been away twice this year on cheap European city weekend breaks, both have been under my instigation and he wasnt overly bothered about going. He also spent a lot of time sleeping whilst away, probably through exhaustion from working so hard.

 

I have been asking him for around 2 years about how I would like us to do a regular 'date night' so we can spend more quality time together when he is free (rather than sitting at home in front of tv and not talking). I arranged a few date nights, just simple meals out or pub quiz nights, nothing extravagant but then stopped because it was never reciprocated. I bring the subject up every few months and mention how unhappy I am but he has not yet done anything to try to change it. He has no interest on going on holiday, I think partly because he travels so much for work so on his down time he just wants to relax at home. I on the other hand love to travel and work hard in my 9 to 5 job but am not able to do this as much as I would like because of his work commitments and also he doesnt seem keen. I'm sure if I never suggested or instigated a dinner or holiday again, we would never, ever do it.

 

I am also emotionally unfulfilled. We never talk about us or the future, and if I try he just says 'I dont know what to say'. Our whole life also hinges on this business and whether it will be successful or not as we have so much invested in it. I try and talk about where he sees us in the future and he just says he doesnt know.

 

I feel his business has sucked everything out of our relationship. The business is also his personal hobby (he has a sports company and used to compete himself) so there are no chances of it ever ending.

I feel I could cope with him being away if when he was home he made me feel loved and special but he doesnt seem to have the energy or inclination. I find myself pulling away, spending more time with friends and our sex life has been affected because I don't feel I want to be as intimate with him (although I still find him very attractive).

 

It has come to a head for me because on a recent work night out after an evening of lots of drinks, a work colleague made a move on me. He also told me how beautiful he thinks I am, how much he likes me, etc etc. I pushed him away but I found myself much more tempted than I should have been and since that night I have really been questioning my marriage.

 

I discussed the drunken night with this work colleague after and we agreed it was fuelled by the alcohol and shouldnt have happened. But it led to a conversation about relationships (work colleague is not married but in a very long term relationship) and I felt he talked to me more in that awkward embarrased chat about relationships etc than my husband has in years!! Since then I have been questionning more about whether my husband can meet my needs emotionally and from a 'what I want to do with my life' aspect.

 

I should mention here that I do love him a lot. He is a great man with good morals but is obviously a workaholic (his parents are the same) whereas I am a work to live sort of person. I know he loves me but I really need more emotional involvement from a relationship which he doesnt seem to be able to give to me. I feel guilty as he is obviously trying to make a success of the business but it literally is everything to him. I help him with his business too as well as working full time so I am supporting as much as I can. I know he is trying to secure a good future for us but I don't think our relationship will last if we dont invest some time and energy into it.

 

Does anyone have any advice for our situation?

 

Thanks for reading and sorry its so long!

 

Maybe you should talk with your husband about how you felt with your colleague and the dangers that this has for your marriage if he keeps ignoring you.

Anyhow if you feel emotionally ignored there are many things (including divorce) you should consider before cheating ( I know you didn't but don't build yourself a case for doing it in the future).

 

Good luck!

[Aloneuk]

Thanks for your reply.

 

I have tried talking to him lots over the past year or so trying to explain why I don't feel happy. I even used that example of people having different love languages and mine being shown affection/attention and doing things together and asked if he could consider that but I dont think he understood.

 

I also told him about the recent encounter with work colleague (missing out the part about me being tempted) and he wasnt bothered or jealous in the slightest and didn't want to discuss it any more.

 

I will not have an affair - I simply couldnt be that sort of person - but I don't know how I can get husband to listen. Maybe I have to accept this is how he is in a relationship and its not going to be enough for me?

 

Thanks

[BluesPower]

I am guessing that you do not have any kids, which is good.

 

Yes, you have to make some hard decisions but from your post, don't you think you really have.

 

I think maybe, at the very least you need to separate from him. It may wake him up. But what is going on is not good for anyone. A woman really does take care and feeding and you are not getting that.

 

If the separation does not wake him up, then you need to divorce, and do it soon so you can get on with your life.

 

I know that this hurts, but if you stay your life will be miserable.

 

 

Good luck.

[Aloneuk]

Thanks - no kids which makes it a hell of a lot easier I know.

 

I just don't think he 'gets it' and thinks our relationship is fine because we're not arguing all the time. But I need so much more than that. I don't want to be a high maintenance partner but I do want to have affection and feel wanted and loved. This work colleague reminded me through a drunken liaison of what it was like to have that....

 

Thanks

[fenix]

T

 

I also told him about the recent encounter with work colleague (missing out the part about me being tempted) and he wasnt bothered or jealous in the slightest and didn't want to discuss it any more.

 

But that is the whole point, you should explain him how his attitude towards you is making you feel tempted in situations where you usually would have reacted in a totally different way. The part that you skipped is probably the most important one to open his eyes about the seriousness of this issue...

[Grisho]

Is his business successful? Is it growing? Does he have any reason to be worried about it?

[Aloneuk]

His business is tough and very consuming, meaning he has to travel a lot for sporting events around 10 months of the year, whilst trying to keep the day to day side of things going too.

 

Before he started the business he had very little worrries and no financial problems. We remortgaged to fund the start of the business (there was a massive initial outlay to create the actual products) and now I am the main breadwinner whilst his business grows. His business is gaining momentum globally and getting more successful however we had to invest so much money at the beginning that it will still take some time to get back where we started. He is a traditional guy and think he feels very emasculated about how hard it has been financially and that I have been keeping us going financially. When we met he had no money worries so think the stress of it all has really affected him and in turn our relationship...