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Should I divorce or suffer

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Old 19th July 2016, 10:53 PM   #16
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You have to leave this man for your childrens sake and for your own sake, before he does any more damage.

Don't for one second believe him when he say's that if you leave him, he will be destroyed/dead. It's not true, each and every one of us is responsible for our own personal happiness and well-being, only he can save himself, and only you can save yourself and the children from him.

Consider the fact the the longer you expose your children to this abuse, the worse it will be for everyone, it will also be partially your fault for failing to protect your children and allowing them to be exposed to the abuse.
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Old 20th July 2016, 10:59 AM   #17
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When leaving someone abusive it's a common tactic that they will try all sorts of maneuvers to see what might work on letting them get their way. Not sure the formal name for it but a group I worked with would call it the slot machine tactic. They may make threats, act like a victim, act nice, act mean, etc. That sounds exactly like what is happening here.

Have been in abusive situations myself, I highly recommend making an exit plan and initiating NC. I realize with kids in the picture it may not be completely NC but it needs to be at least low contact where if it's anything other than the kids it's NC. And divorce or custody communications can go through an attorney (another area where women/men are often harassed).

I would also document the environment he is living in, especially the alcohol and drug use. Normally I do think it's best for kids to have access to both parents but this is a case where I would insist on supervision of his visitation with the kids (and many courts will grant that when provided solid evidence of drug or alcohol abuse). You do not have to do the supervision. IME it's better for your sanity to maintain as much NC as possible.

Talking to some adult friends who had parents in toxic and abusive relationships, they always told me they wish their parents would have divorced (for the ones who stayed together). The ones who had parents in toxic relationships who did divorce said they were happy about it. I divorced with kids and that was one of the things that I worried about when making the decision - the impact to the kids.
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Old 20th July 2016, 3:45 PM   #18
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Miss Peach,

Thank you for the solid advice, words of wisdom, and your approach to get the message through to me.

New to the whole message board world and appreciate the insight from women like you.

I know what I need to do and I plan on working on steps to get a hold of my life. For folks who have never been through anything like this, have no sense of know what the other side looks like. I don't have mommy/daddy issues, I do put my children first and keep them as a priority. I am very far from family and all I ask for is kindness as I go through this struggle, and thank you for providing that.

I have just soaked in your comments and will chew on it a bit tonight. I have also done some research on emotional blackmail and gaslighting, etc and am starting to understand much of it, and plan to look further into it.

Thank you, thank you again.
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Old 20th July 2016, 4:58 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by Lostandafraid16 View Post
I know what I need to do and I plan on working on steps to get a hold of my life.
That's what I'm taking about!!! You gotta learn to trust yourself again. It's hazy when you first decide to leave and look around and say holy crap - how did it get like this? It's a process - with each step of the plan you execute you'll gain more confidence and perspective and start trusting your judgment again. Whenever you start to waver in your conviction, find your center and dig in with every ounce of resolve you have. And, like everyone here has said, let those kids be the lighthouse on your darkest and stormiest days - they will always show you the direction you need to head.

The best piece of advice I ever got during my divorce from my abusive addicted first husband was from my divorce lawyer. She said, "Put your lipstick on every day." What she meant was get up, get dressed, take care of yourself, and always look your best because when you take care of you, the reward is you feel better, function better, and heal faster.

PS the first time I posted here someone says take what you need and leave the rest... And it's 100% true - you're going to get everything from shame and blame to cheerleading no matter what you do. Take what you need, leave the rest.
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