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Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

 
 
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Old 11th July 2016, 9:33 AM   #1
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I'm tired

My husband and I have been married for a very long time. As we have grown older together we have been thru a lot, Sickness, death, life changes, etc. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to be married to him anymore and don't love him, like I should or how he loves me. I feel like he sucks the life out of me. I don't feel we are compatible anymore at all. He wants to stay home most all of the time. He is critical of people, he is in a very unhealthy state. He is overweight and isn't following doctors orders to lose weight. He chooses to not have friends. I am blessed with great friends, and I do things with them a lot. Husband is very quick to make sure I have everything I want and need. Takes good care of me financially. He also tho likes when I eat.. I think he wants me just as big as he is.. I know that sounds bad but it's true.
I have told him that I am not happy anymore, and he changes for a short time, then falls back into his habit. We have done this many, many times.. We have been to counseling, we have took enough vacations alone that I thought would have brought back a spark, but here we are.....

I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone that is happy sitting home. I feel like I am missing out on a lot. I get jealous of my friends when they talk about all of the fun things they do, especially as a couple. I won't have that, ever with my husband.
I have tried to be compliant for a lot of years, thinking maybe its just me, and I have put myself on the back burner for too long. Sometimes I get angry at myself and also at him.


I am sure there are women out there that would like the life I have. Having a faithful, caring husband. I am very blessed in a lot of ways I am aware of that. But I just don't know how much longer I can sit here and watch my life go by when I may be happier alone or with someone else.


I'm tired of feeling this way.. It's not fair to him, or me. I may sounds like a bad person to some, but today I just can't help it.
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Old 11th July 2016, 10:48 AM   #2
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I'd suggest continuing personal counseling, not MC, to work the milieu you outline here and seek tools from the counselor to effect a healthy decision for yourself.

In reality, none of us owes anyone our life. There's billions of us around. We're just not that important. Sure, it's nice to have associations and partnerships. It can be uplifting. At some point, they all end, either because of the people themselves or outside events or simply because one or both die. Absent death, partnerships continue or end because of choices. IMO, a competent counselor can help you with yours. Your husband is who he is. As they say in computer-speak, WYSIWYG. Accept the real.
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Old 11th July 2016, 1:12 PM   #3
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I'd suggest continuing personal counseling, not MC, to work the milieu you outline here and seek tools from the counselor to effect a healthy decision for yourself.

In reality, none of us owes anyone our life. There's billions of us around. We're just not that important. Sure, it's nice to have associations and partnerships. It can be uplifting. At some point, they all end, either because of the people themselves or outside events or simply because one or both die. Absent death, partnerships continue or end because of choices. IMO, a competent counselor can help you with yours. Your husband is who he is. As they say in computer-speak, WYSIWYG. Accept the real.
Thanks, I appreciate your comments.
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Old 11th July 2016, 1:52 PM   #4
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So... I hate to ask, but what do you do for your husband?
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Old 11th July 2016, 2:07 PM   #5
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That's a good point; however, the road to whoever cares the least having the most power rarely is paved with good intentions. Once communication breaks down and partners don't proactively seek to invest emotion and love into the partnership, the slippery slope begins.

For some guys, and ladies too, it's checking out and going through the motions. When I read 'very long time', regarding being married, I tend to think one or both of the spouses are retired and, if the guy is, that can be a huge change for him if he formerly hung a lot of his self-esteem on his work and a lot of his friends were through work. The change, and mortality creeping in, can be depressing. He shuts down, pulls back and the slippery slope begins. That's one potential.
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Old 11th July 2016, 2:14 PM   #6
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That's a good point; however, the road to whoever cares the least having the most power rarely is paved with good intentions. Once communication breaks down and partners don't proactively seek to invest emotion and love into the partnership, the slippery slope begins.

For some guys, and ladies too, it's checking out and going through the motions. When I read 'very long time', regarding being married, I tend to think one or both of the spouses are retired and, if the guy is, that can be a huge change for him if he formerly hung a lot of his self-esteem on his work and a lot of his friends were through work. The change, and mortality creeping in, can be depressing. He shuts down, pulls back and the slippery slope begins. That's one potential.


I kinda saw the flags for fighting depression too. And overweight usually goes hand in hand with sleep apnea. Usually a whole collection of negative physical ailments that all jointly bog a person down. A downward spiral that a lot of folks can't get out of. Negative attitude is extremely unattractive, so it's no wonder she doesn't feel the connection. I can't help but wonder if the physical fitness went up, then the attitude, sleep, energy levels would all return to the person she probably remembers.


Not an easy spiral to eject yourself from, that's for sure. And those that haven't been caught in it just don't know. I'd rather deal with breaking the nicotine addiction again than breaking that spiral.


But then again, it's easier to remember chantex than antidepressants after they both kick in lol.
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Old 11th July 2016, 2:37 PM   #7
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Ah, in this post:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/roma...me#post6950046

The OP indicates that they both intend to retire in a few years, so they are apparently not retired so that renders that particular line of supposition on my part invalid.

What I reading indicates a classic schism developing, mainly in the social realm, where the OP enjoys socializing and doing so as a couple versus solo and her H is apparently content to be more of a homebody and I get the sense that, though accommodation and bending has occurred, there is some resentment in that process.

If spouses are dead opposite on this issue, well going solo is one solution but then, after awhile, one feels solo, or can, and that's a separate slippery slope.

TBH, this schism was common with MW's I've had contact with over the decades, whether in reality or merely perception. With partnerships of the emotional sort, like love partnerships, perception looms large. It's not like anyone is proving up a case to a judge. It's how people feel.

However, the OP did state elsewhere that her H shows her love and takes care of her.

IMO, if the marital foundation is sound and it should be evident in a long marriage if it is or not, health can be recovered, but only if both spouses want it. One can't drag the other one along.
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Old 11th July 2016, 2:44 PM   #8
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Well if it's just a social rut, maybe he could get in touch with some of his older buddies from college/high school? His best friend? Maybe that social contact will inspire some sort of renewed interest outside the home in social interactions?


I mean, unless he's trying to write a book or something of that nature where it's almost entirely a solo endeavor and social interactions tend to distract rather than facilitate. Even if that's the case, that writing time doesn't last forever, and she didn't say that's what he was doing.
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