Marital Satisfaction after children, interesting read.

[Doublegold]

"The irony is that even as the marital satisfaction of new parents declines, the likelihood of them divorcing also declines. So, having children may make you miserable, but you’ll be miserable together."

 

Interesting read. Personally I was happy/happiest with my then husband after we had children. Our relationship didn't break apart because of our kids, but for other reasons. We were married 28 years, three of them separated.

 

But I see many families who are unhappy as a couple after the children come along. People neglect intimacy with their spouse.

 

 

Relationships suffer with kids - Business Insider

[minimariah]

thank you, a VERY interesting read! this isn't the 1st time i see a study with this kind of conclusion - in general, research shows, couple without kids are actually happier! depends on the situation, of course.

 

which is interesting because you always feel like a couple WITHOUT kids is missing something (maybe we're conditioned to think this way?) - kids are supposed to be the greatest thrill in life, some kind of ultimate proof of love. i do believe that kids, in fact, ruin an already shaken up relationship while bringing together an already strong one. depends on what tests a couple can and can't pass, i guess.

[WasOtherWoman]

I've always thought this. We have a much better marriage than any of our friends with kids.

 

It is just a completely different dynamic between us, he doesn't look at me and see "mommy". We are not tired and worn out from all of the demands that children put on you, we are able to spend much more time together than we would if we had kids (seems like when you have more than one, people go in separate directions with the kids) and we can prioritize each other first, all the time.

 

That said, I have a huge respect for people who CAN manage to keep their marriage good and have kids. My parents always prioritized each other, went on date nights and managed to keep their marriage strong long after we all moved out. It is certainly not easy....

[dichotomy]

While having a kid has worked against our intimacy/sexual issues, it has helped us bond as a couple over family. Having children has been the greatest thing in my life, worth any other challenges or loses.

[WasOtherWoman]

While having a kid has worked against our intimacy/sexual issues, it has helped us bond as a couple over family. Having children has been the greatest thing in my life, worth any other challenges or loses.

 

I can see that, I often feel like I have the best of both worlds. We are very close with my husbands kids and the grandkids. They bring so much joy to us and I can't imagine my life without them. They definitely make us a family, rather than just a couple.

 

Edited to add: I have to admit though, I do prefer it this way. Would rather marry my kids then have them myself!!

Edited May 11, 2016 by WasOtherWoman

[GunslingerRoland]

i do believe that kids, in fact, ruin an already shaken up relationship while bringing together an already strong one. depends on what tests a couple can and can't pass, i guess.

 

I think this is the key here. If you have a strong base of your marriage you can handle kids, and no matter what challenges come up, they can pull you closer together even if it's in your mutual misery.

 

 

But so many people think kids will fix a marriage, and that is a horrible way to look at it. I've never seen that work successfully long term.

[Ms. Faust]

thank you, a VERY interesting read! this isn't the 1st time i see a study with this kind of conclusion - in general, research shows, couple without kids are actually happier! depends on the situation, of course.

 

I didn't read the article fully (sorry!) but I wanted to point out that there is some controversy among the scientific community that research tends to favor publications that support the hypothesis. This is especially prevalent am the medical and psychological field.

My husband was watching a video on the subject, recently, and was explaining it to me. My SO is an experimentalist in a STEM field, and he says it happens in his as well, although to much lesser degree (in fact, we are currently waiting for one of his papers to be published, but his boss is afraid "politics" may get involved).

SO is at work now, but when he gets home I will ask for the link for the video he was showing me. It was quite fascinating.

 

As to the subject at hand: Our daughter is only 11 months old, and things are subject to change, but our happiest days have been since she has been born. Our sex life while I was pregnant and shortly afterward, increased before taking a dip back to what it was before which is fairly active.

 

But I can definitely agree that it seems many marriages take a nosedive after children, especially for people who decide that they are married to their kids rather to their spouse.

Edited May 12, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[fivegrands]

My personal opinion is that it is not children per se that cause a decline in marriages, but rather the distraction that children can become. If someone's focus shifts from their spouse to the new baby, a spouse may look elsewhere for the needed fulfillment. The more successful marriages that I have observed let nothing and no one become more important than the spouse. Couples can love and meet the needs of the children together as a unit, rather than separately.

[stillyoung]

I didn't read the article fully (sorry!) but I wanted to point out that there is some controversy among the scientific community that research tends to favor publications that support the hypothesis. This is especially prevalent am the medical and psychological field.

...

 

As to the subject at hand: Our daughter is only 11 months old, and things are subject to change, but our happiest days have been since she has been born. Our sex life while I was pregnant and shortly afterward, increased before taking a dip back to what it was before which is fairly active.

.

 

I had to reply to this post because I too am in that field and it is known among researchers. I find that concept very interesting.

 

 

Anyway, there's another issue with those studies. Sometimes (I don't know about this one exactly) will ask if the person if they're happy, right now, today. Often if they have kids they spend a lot more daily hours being busy, stressed, sleep deprived, etc. so no, they are not as happy today as someone with no responsibilities on vacation in Hawaii. But if you step back and say are you happier in the last x years (since kids) or before that, often people will say (as a poster said here) they bring so much joy, I am ultimately more satisfied with life now.

 

 

If someone asked me while I was doing my graduate studies if I was happy, all of us would have said no - again sleep deprivation, insecurities, tough challenges, etc. My working friends had much less stress than me. But ultimately I am very happy with that success and accomplishment. I was very happy, content, relaxed on my trip to the Bahamas, but if that's all I did I would not be very happy 20 yrs later.

[Els]

The irony is that even as the marital satisfaction of new parents declines, the likelihood of them divorcing also declines

 

I don't think this is a surprising find - I've known quite a few couples where at least one of them is only staying 'because of the children' or 'until the children leave home'.

[Doublegold]

My children, now grown, wonderful human beings, are hands down the greatest joy of my life. As are theitr children. Children are the best.

 

The post refers to marital satisfaction/lack of intimacy between couples after children.

[Doublegold]

My personal opinion is that it is not children per se that cause a decline in marriages, but rather the distraction that children can become. If someone's focus shifts from their spouse to the new baby, a spouse may look elsewhere for the needed fulfillment. The more successful marriages that I have observed let nothing and no one become more important than the spouse. Couples can love and meet the needs of the children together as a unit, rather than separately.

 

 

Excellent post.

[Ms. Faust]

Here's a wiki article about publication bias:

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Publication_bias#Examples

 

Here is the video he is watching that talks extensively about a study, and then goes into how publication bias affected the study:

 

[BettyDraper]

This article exemplifies one of the reasons my husband and I are childfree.

 

Of course it's possible to have a happy marriage while being parents. I often hear about the joy that children bring as well as the way raising a family bonds a couple. However, a couple has far more time to nurture their marriage when there are no children.

 

The amount of freedom my husband and I enjoy is too wonderful for us to give up. There are no children to tire us out, interrupt our lovemaking or use our disposable income. I am an attentive aunt partly because I don't have children of my own to raise. I also have far more time to contribute to society with volunteer work. Let's not forget how clean our house stays and the exquisite silence.

 

I've read that the best periods for a married couple is before children are born and after they leave home.

Edited May 14, 2016 by BettyDraper

[Wave Rider]

There's good evidence that our ancient hunter-gatherer ancestors lived in communal tribes that shared everything, including sexual partners and child-rearing responsibilities. It seems to me that that would be a better system in a lot of ways for raising children than a system that puts all the pressure on two people, as our current system does. It seems to me that the whole idea of the "nuclear family" with two parents who live together with their children in a house separate from everyone else is a 1950s post-WWII idea, and if both parents work full-time, it's just very difficult for both parents to be able to get everything done.

 

I also think that this two-carer system creates a lot of psychological problems for children, because with the stresses of work and life, parents just aren't able to meet of of their children's emotional needs, so children frequently end up with mental and emotional problems. It takes an unusually healthy and talented set of parents to meet their children's emotional needs while also fulfilling their employment and financial obligations.

 

I've never been married and I've never cohabited, but it does seem to me that a system where childrearing responsibilities and providership responsibilities are shared among a larger group of people, instead of between just two people, would be a much less stressful way to live life.

 

It seems that going back to communal living would be a good thing, in my opinion. But most people are too attached to the ideas of private ownership and private property for that to happen.

Edited May 15, 2016 by Wave Rider

[wmacbride]

My husband and I have at least two kids who will likely never be able to live on their own, and I simply do not trust any of the assisted living facilities in our area to care for them.

 

Even though our children our no longer small, they still require high levels of care and attention. We don't get a lot of "date nights" etc., yet we are still happy and love one another.

 

We've been asked many times how we've been able to stay togtehr when a lot of of families in a similar situation don't make it. I can't speak for others, as I don't know their specific situation, but what I can say is that for us, a big part of happiness came from accepting our situation. While I do work from home now, for a long time, I was a SAHM, and there were a lot of things we went without. That made us appreciate the things we did have a whole lot more. We also accept that our house will never be pristine, and that we need to be particular about ow we choose to spend our time. and adapt. When our kids are all in school is when we do chores like grocery shopping and running errands, which we do together. When we are taking our kids to appointments, for their scheduled medical treatments,etc., we also do that together. We have found that those times can be great for bonding, and we've even had people ask us if we were newly weds in the grocery store.

 

Sure, I love taking trips and relaxing, but I can honestly say that the rewards I get from my children are far greater.

[RedBaron2765]

I love my kids to death (they are the cutest things ever), but our marriage has gone to pot since they came along. My wife loves to nag and pick at me, and there was a period of roughly a year when it was really bad. It's to the point that even now I much prefer to spend time with the kids without her - much less stress than if she's with us getting worked up over tiny stuff.

 

Needless to say, our sex life is non-existent. Even though she mostly sits around while the kids play, she allows herself to get stressed out by them (a little bit of whining will set her over the edge), and she's always complaining about how tired she is. Sex is not on her agenda.

[BettyDraper]

I love my kids to death (they are the cutest things ever), but our marriage has gone to pot since they came along. My wife loves to nag and pick at me, and there was a period of roughly a year when it was really bad. It's to the point that even now I much prefer to spend time with the kids without her - much less stress than if she's with us getting worked up over tiny stuff.

 

Needless to say, our sex life is non-existent. Even though she mostly sits around while the kids play, she allows herself to get stressed out by them (a little bit of whining will set her over the edge), and she's always complaining about how tired she is. Sex is not on her agenda.

 

Do you think your marriage might improve once your children become older and more independent?

[Els]

Needless to say, our sex life is non-existent. Even though she mostly sits around while the kids play, she allows herself to get stressed out by them (a little bit of whining will set her over the edge), and she's always complaining about how tired she is. Sex is not on her agenda.

 

Is she solely responsible for the childcare during the day? And if she is, why do you think she's just 'sitting around while the kids play'? Being the sole childcarer can be an extremely draining job, especially for people who aren't suited for it personality-wise, and many mothers burn out from it. Dismissing the problems a spouse is facing is unlikely to make your sex life any better.

 

If your wife is tired, consider getting a babysitter or nanny at least one day a week so she can recharge, and you might see improvements.

[BettyDraper]

Is she solely responsible for the childcare during the day? And if she is, why do you think she's just 'sitting around while the kids play'? Being the sole childcarer can be an extremely draining job, especially for people who aren't suited for it personality-wise, and many mothers burn out from it. Dismissing the problems a spouse is facing is unlikely to make your sex life any better.

 

If your wife is tired, consider getting a babysitter or nanny at least one day a week so she can recharge, and you might see improvements.

 

This. I am not a mother but even working as a nanny was very draining for me. I'm glad that I had that experience because it taught me that I am not suited for motherhood. The kids loved me but they were very intense as babies and young children are. At the end of each day, I wanted to hide in my apartment and sleep for a week.

 

I have noticed that even when mothers have a career outside the home, they are the ones who bear the brunt of childcare and housework. That would make anyone tired! Showing a lack of respect for a spouse who is the primary caregiver of children is a recipe for anger and resentment. Neither of those emotions are conducive to a good sex life.

[Pastypop]

BettyDraper, I'm jealous!! That is so awesome!

 

My marriage is pretty much like the article. Isolation has been a huge one for me. We are basically a partnership with no closeness, intimacy or affection. It has been terrible and no, the time doesn't fly by. I've felt every long day since the kids got here but, at least my husband takes care of the kids while I run off on international vacations, pool parties, happy hours and such. Just wish he would want to be included. It's sad to see the world with a group of strangers instead of the person I thought I would be doing these with.

 

Currently, my job situation is horrible. I am applying only for jobs in cool places or ones that require frequent travel. I plan to tell my husband that was all that was available and strike out on my own for bit. Need a little space and time to heal from all the drama. It also will be nice to live in something that doesn't look and smell like a pig pen. Sorry but kids have been a lot hurt, drama, disappointment and loneliness for me. Wish I would have had my tubes tied. Husband wouldn't have known the difference.

[RedBaron2765]

Do you think your marriage might improve once your children become older and more independent?

 

No - the main issues are that she's very immature and very insecure. I like her mom (she's always been great to me, and we've never had an issue with either of her parents) but she's a lot like I've heard her mom was when my wife and her siblings were young.

[RedBaron2765]

Is she solely responsible for the childcare during the day? And if she is, why do you think she's just 'sitting around while the kids play'? Being the sole childcarer can be an extremely draining job, especially for people who aren't suited for it personality-wise, and many mothers burn out from it. Dismissing the problems a spouse is facing is unlikely to make your sex life any better.

 

If your wife is tired, consider getting a babysitter or nanny at least one day a week so she can recharge, and you might see improvements.

 

Nope - we both work. I get them to the preschool/sitter in the morning, and she usually picks them up when she gets home (occasionally I'll pick them up if she won't be home on time). She's sitting around because she's lazy - I'm always playing with them, reading to them, etc. when I'm home. When I get home, they're playing somewhere in the house and she's sitting on the couch either watching TV or playing games.

[stillafool]

BettyDraper, I'm jealous!! That is so awesome!

 

My marriage is pretty much like the article. Isolation has been a huge one for me. We are basically a partnership with no closeness, intimacy or affection. It has been terrible and no, the time doesn't fly by. I've felt every long day since the kids got here but, at least my husband takes care of the kids while I run off on international vacations, pool parties, happy hours and such. Just wish he would want to be included. It's sad to see the world with a group of strangers instead of the person I thought I would be doing these with.

 

Currently, my job situation is horrible. I am applying only for jobs in cool places or ones that require frequent travel. I plan to tell my husband that was all that was available and strike out on my own for bit. Need a little space and time to heal from all the drama. It also will be nice to live in something that doesn't look and smell like a pig pen. Sorry but kids have been a lot hurt, drama, disappointment and loneliness for me. Wish I would have had my tubes tied. Husband wouldn't have known the difference.

 

I'm sorry this has happened to your family. I know it took a lot of courage to admit and write the above. My husband and I are childfree and have never regretted it though we both love children. Just wasn't for us.

[BettyDraper]

BettyDraper, I'm jealous!! That is so awesome!

 

My marriage is pretty much like the article. Isolation has been a huge one for me. We are basically a partnership with no closeness, intimacy or affection. It has been terrible and no, the time doesn't fly by. I've felt every long day since the kids got here but, at least my husband takes care of the kids while I run off on international vacations, pool parties, happy hours and such. Just wish he would want to be included. It's sad to see the world with a group of strangers instead of the person I thought I would be doing these with.

 

Currently, my job situation is horrible. I am applying only for jobs in cool places or ones that require frequent travel. I plan to tell my husband that was all that was available and strike out on my own for bit. Need a little space and time to heal from all the drama. It also will be nice to live in something that doesn't look and smell like a pig pen. Sorry but kids have been a lot hurt, drama, disappointment and loneliness for me. Wish I would have had my tubes tied. Husband wouldn't have known the difference.

 

You're very brave to admit that children have worsened your life. I suspect many more mothers feel the same way but they are afraid to say so. My husband believes that most parents secretly hate raising kids but they lie to themselves and the world. Of course, we both have mothers who were miserable during our childhoods so it makes sense that my husband and I are not enthused about parenting. Our viewpoint is skewed by what we went through growing up.

 

Since you can get away for happy hours and vacations, you have far more freedom than most mothers that I have met. Many of them are stretching every dollar to live the suburban dream with 2.3 children. There is no extra income left for adults to have fun. I feel sorry for people in that situation. It's so easy to lose an intimate connection with a spouse when you have no quiet time together or money to go on the occasional date or getaway. I wonder why they wouldn't just have 1 child or eschew parenting altogether.

 

What made you decide to become a mother? Was it societal pressure or a biological urge?