after the biggest fight ever..

[Back2WhatUKnow]

So I've been with my bf for 1yr 1/2 and at first, yea it was perfect, went through the honeymoon phase for a while. Then he lost his job so there were some bumps in the road that lead to me taking over the role as far as finances. Even though we don't live with each other yet I still help out quite a bit and at times overwork myself. I'll tell him I am stressed and at times I feel under appreciated. Yet I feel this love is real and we can make it through this. However, lately I've been stressed with work and education that some days I come home flat out tired or moody. We recently got into a heated disagreement about being affectionate. As in he has a nitpicking personality that sometimes he is very blunt and doesn't realize he is doing it. So in return I shut down and won't talk. Lately he will push my buttons and I get so mad I leave and just clear my head.

 

Well I really did it in the other day when he starts criticizing me when I was being affectionate and he didn't appear to be satisfied with my attempts on trying to fix his problem with that. So I walked out and drove around and didn't answer my phone because I was so mad for a few hours. Well I came back to a mess. The whole mistake of "I needed my space" turned into he thought I wanted to end it all. Which wasn't the case at all. He was drunk and said some pretty rotten things to me that I can't just seem to swallow right now.

 

We argued so bad we went to name calling, to picking out each others past, then to him finally putting a bullet in my heart by saying he never wanted to have a family with me and never wanted to get married to me and he'll cheat on me. However, he was trying to get me to leave when he blurted this out and I wouldn't leave because he was trying to be reckless and I wanted to stop him. So next day...sober him apologize which I do as well but there was some pretty irreversible quotes in my head. Basically he said that we are back at square one where his walls are back up and I am just questioning everything.

 

Just really sucks because I am in my 30's so is he and I wanted this one to be it for me. I've once again changed my life and geared it toward being with this man and now I feel like it's shattered. I know we had our disagreements in the past but this one is hard to bounce back. We are completely distant and somewhat trying to just start with basic conversation since the fight. At times he will try to bring it up in ways to prove his point and I just tell him to stop it.

 

SO it just crushes me because I was going to plan this huge romantic getaway next month and now I don't even know if I should do it. Any suggestions on what helps heal this wound? Or do I start cutting and starting another road? I know that days had to come like this but this got real bad almost physical bad. I've had enough of those in my past relationships..I just never thought we would of gotten to this point.

Edited March 30, 2016 by Back2WhatUKnow
mispelling

[Satu]

snip

SO it just crushes me because I was going to plan this huge romantic getaway next month and now I don't even know if I should do it. *Any suggestions on what helps heal this wound? Or do I start cutting and starting another road? **I know that days had to come like this but this got real bad almost physical bad. I've had enough of those in my past relationships..I just never thought we would of gotten to this point.

 

*Once someone crosses this line and behaves towards you in such a beastly way, you're stuck with a scar forever. You can heal the wound, but you'll always have the scar. How to heal it? Find a good counsellor.

 

**No. Days like this don't have to come, and shouldn't come.

 

 

Take care.

[basil67]

Hang on, you're not living together or even engaged and you're partially supporting him. And you're feeling overworked, stressed and unappreciated.

 

I suggest you stop giving him money so as to force him to get a job and take the burden off yourself. You may get some respect for him back when he stops sponging off you.

 

And Satu is right - words are powerful things which can never be unsaid. It will be a very long time - if at all - when you get over this.

[basil67]

My post was a bit vague, so I am elaborating

 

I think that you're trying to recover from this current fight without addressing the underlying issues. This fight was a symptom of bigger stuff - such as you feeling taken for granted and stressed. And him being nitpicky won't be helping at all either.

 

I know that you want this guy to be your future. But ask yourself if he's the type of person you imagine being with for the rest of your life.

[brothers343]

The pen is mightier than the sword. Write what you feel and give it to him and let him soak it in. If he doesn't get it than he probably never will. He already disrespected you and the way that he did it isn't something that just gets fixed. Sooner or later you will be his second and another woman will be his first. And you probably will never know about it.

[big dog]

Try to be patient & let it go if you can. I'm in the same situation right now only it concerns things my wife recently said to me. But...you have to consider that life stresses can be overwhelming and a person won't even realize it until the lid pops off. Then we must vent..and many times the only way to vent it is to explode at the person nearest you. But in doing so...words and deeds can be hurtful and have lasting effects. The thing to do is learn to not let stuff get to that point. Communication is the key. If that lesson is learned then something good can actually result from you situation. And you'll be closer than ever before. If the love you seek and feel for him is actually not there.. then you come to know that as well.

[BetheButterfly]

So in return I shut down and won't talk. Lately he will push my buttons and I get so mad I leave and just clear my head.

 

These are not healthy ways to resolve conflict.

 

In order to have a healthy relationship, you need to transform unproductive ways to productive ways. If you need space to think, it'd be good to tell him that you'll be back later after calming down.

 

When I'm upset (usually for a silly reason) with my hubby, I generally need some time to calm down, so I take a shower. Hot water relaxes me. I know without a doubt that my hubby is waiting for me on the sofa. Why? Because he is a very good and emotionally healthy gentleman who patiently prays and waits for me when I'm upset.

 

When I'm ready, I go sit with him and we hold hands, look into each others' eyes, and talk about whatever is bothering us.

 

He doesn't deliberately insult me. I don't deliberately insult him. We apologize for what we have said or done that has hurt the other. We are a team and our unity is more important than our differences, though we are very different.

 

 

Well I really did it in the other day when he starts criticizing me when I was being affectionate and he didn't appear to be satisfied with my attempts on trying to fix his problem with that. So I walked out and drove around and didn't answer my phone because I was so mad for a few hours. Well I came back to a mess.

 

He didn't know you needed to calm down. And in my personal opinion, you should calm down in the same house as him, though in a different room.

 

The whole mistake of "I needed my space" turned into he thought I wanted to end it all. Which wasn't the case at all. He was drunk and said some pretty rotten things to me that I can't just seem to swallow right now.

 

We argued so bad we went to name calling, to picking out each others past,

 

Drinking alcohol is not a good way to resolve conflict either.

 

then to him finally putting a bullet in my heart by saying he never wanted to have a family with me and never wanted to get married to me and he'll cheat on me. However, he was trying to get me to leave when he blurted this out and I wouldn't leave because he was trying to be reckless and I wanted to stop him. So next day...sober him apologize which I do as well but there was some pretty irreversible quotes in my head. Basically he said that we are back at square one where his walls are back up and I am just questioning everything.

 

I am so sorry. First of all, I question if he was telling the truth. If he has genuinely shown willingness in the past to have a family with you and marry you, then he was just speaking in anger instead of telling the truth.

 

About his drinking, has he attempted a recovery program? Truly, alcohol doesn't help during marriage conflicts.

 

Just really sucks because I am in my 30's so is he and I wanted this one to be it for me. I've once again changed my life and geared it toward being with this man and now I feel like it's shattered. I know we had our disagreements in the past but this one is hard to bounce back. We are completely distant and somewhat trying to just start with basic conversation since the fight. At times he will try to bring it up in ways to prove his point and I just tell him to stop it.

 

If you both want to, you can heal your relationship. However, if both of you do not do your best to heal it, it won't heal.

 

SO it just crushes me because I was going to plan this huge romantic getaway next month and now I don't even know if I should do it.

 

Ask him if he wants to go on a romantic getaway with you. If he doesn't say yes, then don't plan one. If he doesn't say yes, then take a deep breath, ask him if he wants a healthy relationship with you and if he will work with you to heal it. It takes 2.

Any suggestions on what helps heal this wound?

 

Together, establish a plan of action for when y'all have conflict, and then carry it out.

 

Again, the plan of action for my hubby and me when we have conflict is this:

1. I go to another room to calm down - normally by taking a shower, and when I'm not too angry, I pray (I should pray when angry but that's hard sometimes.).

2. My hubby waits for me on the couch and prays.

3. We hold hands, look into each other's eyes, and talk. insults are off limits.

4. We don't drink alcohol.

 

I don't know if the above would work for y'all, but y'all can devise your own plan of action when conflict arises. Definitely insults should be off the table and the focus should be on healing, if that's truly what you both want.

 

Or do I start cutting and starting another road?

 

Again?

 

I know that days had to come like this but this got real bad almost physical bad. I've had enough of those in my past relationships..I just never thought we would of gotten to this point.

 

The sooner people learn how to resolve conflict without emotionally and physically hurting each other, the better, yeah?

 

Life includes conflict. That's just how life is. That's why it's so important to learn how to deal with conflict without hurting and insulting each other.

[BetheButterfly]

Communication is the key. If that lesson is learned then something good can actually result from you situation. And you'll be closer than ever before. If the love you seek and feel for him is actually not there.. then you come to know that as well.

 

Aye, and communication with the goal of showing love for each other is better than communication of showing disdain for each other.

 

Disdain doesn't heal hurts in marriages. It makes them worse.

 

Healthy communication includes expressing one's feelings in a way that does not insult the other person but rather helps them understand.

 

Hurtful communication builds walls. Loving communication opens the door to a more intimate and true love.

[anika99]

From the little you told here I get the impression that you are a bit controlling. Not in an aggressive bulling way, but in subtle ways. You are stressed because you are trying to run your life and his life too. You don't even live with him yet you have taken over his finances and his problems. Your BF was in a mood and you tried to fix it by being affectionate and when that didn't go the way you wanted it to you got angry. The above is all controlling stifling behaviour.

 

Now I'm not defending your boyfriend or his actions. I just get the impression that you try to fix people rather than just observing them and then deciding if they are good fit for you or not.

[Mr. Lucky]

Then he lost his job so there were some bumps in the road that lead to me taking over the role as far as finances. Even though we don't live with each other yet I still help out quite a bit and at times overwork myself. I'll tell him I am stressed and at times I feel under appreciated. Yet I feel this love is real and we can make it through this. However, lately I've been stressed with work and education that some days I come home flat out tired or moody. We recently got into a heated disagreement about being affectionate. As in he has a nitpicking personality that sometimes he is very blunt and doesn't realize he is doing it. So in return I shut down and won't talk. Lately he will push my buttons and I get so mad I leave and just clear my head.

 

He sounds passive/aggressive - willing to let you support him yet able to resent you for doing so. I'd dig ditches, wash dishes or flip burgers before I'd ask my GF to pay my bills but maybe that's just me.

 

This kind of person is difficult to make happy, even harder to live with. He's actually doing you a favor, you're seeing how he handles the adversity everyone encounters at some point in their life. Act accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lucy_in_disguise]

I dont know. Id have a hard time getting past those comments. Furthermore, I think there is a good reason you are feeling unappreciated. You have put a lot into this relationship - what does he bring to the table? Dont settle for a lousy partner just because you are in your thirties and want kids. Thats a recipe for ending up a single mom - something you could do now without the hassle and heartbreak of a divorce.

[sandylee1]

You've only been together for 18 months and you're helping him financially.. NO.

What would he do if he didn't have a GF? I would not have my money going to a man that I'm not married to.

 

He's a grown man. Let him figure out what to do.

 

A lot of truth is said even while drunk... and if he gets that drunk he needs help. He's told you he would cheat ...if I were you I'd believe him and get the hell out of that relationship. Sounds like you're being used. Don't waste your time.

[oldshirt]

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

 

 

- Maya Angelou

[oldshirt]

You two are dating. There is no commitment here and you are not joined by legal document, biological children, joint ownership of property or financial instruments, intermeshed families etc etc etc You are two independent adults dating.

 

 

Dating at it's core is a noncommittal form of an interview and probationary period where you get to know each other and learn how each of you function and work together in an effort to determine if each of you is the "the one" that you want to marry and have a home and family with.

 

 

If that answer is no for either one of you, then you are free to end the interview and tryout period without prejudice or repercussion (no legal or social repercussion...that doesn't mean that you won't be sad or disappointed)

 

 

The reason for this interview and probationary tryout period is that in modern, western society we choose our own mates instead of our families and church and community choose them for us as it has been throughout much of human history.

 

 

With that right also comes responsibility. We have a responsibility to choose a mate who's life goals and values and mores and temperments etc are compatible with our own and who we will be able to intertwine our lives with.

 

 

This by necessity goes deeper than simply thinking someone is good looking, fun and gives us good orgasms.

 

 

The purpose of a probationary and tryout is to see if someone has the compatibility, skills, characteristics and wherewithal to be a part of our team.

 

 

When you look at it in those terms, I think you should have your answer.