Can I trust my wife? She tried to blackmail me

[Randomlyrandomme]

Sorry, but though I'll try to keep this clear and concise, I'm slightly emotional, so forgive any rambling.

We're both 34, married for a few years, but have dated since we were 17.

I've recently (last Feb) have had mental health issues that became intolerable. I had to quit my job due to constant agitation and anxiety. I'd had a history of depression, but nothing like this. I'm very pro-mental health, and sought treatment: Medication, therapy. I was diagnosed with ADHD and Bipolar disorder. The ADHD meds had an immediate affect. Many of the habits I had which would ultimately lead to anxiety or depression were gone. I could concentrate, I was motivated like never before in my life. I saw a future I never imagined. And this was just the introductory dose.

Since I wasn't working (part of my anxiety came from a dead end career), I figured I'd also go back to college. I figured that I'd take a couple years to better myself.

The problem was that I was misdiagnosed as Bipolar. The mood stabilizer began making me emotionally unstable, and my shrink tried to resolve my mood swing by increasing my mood stabilizer. As my first semester progressed, I maintained excellent grades but outside of school I was unstable. Sudden mood drops, followed by lashing out with anger at my wife.

I should mention that my wife had previously undergone intensive mental health treatment for several disorders, and after several years of strife and difficulty, she found a combo of in-patient treatment and med cocktail that worked for her. She became a new and better person. She's also a psych major. When I began my treatment we discussed how she would be an important support member for me. Not only was she my wife, but she had overcome, in my mind, a greater degree of mental illness that she suffered from for a longer time than myself.

As semester 1 progressed and ended, there was no relief from the anxiety and pressure I was feeling. My mood swings continued to get worse. The day before semester 2 began I had a violent breakdown with my wife ( no violence against her, but I punched walls, doors, broke a doorframe, and smashed my iPhone, which I use to organize my life, esp school).

I went to the hospital, and the shrink who saw me gave me a different diagnosis. ADHD was correct, but rather than Bipolar, I just suffered from depression. I went off the mood stabilizer, and started fresh with new medications, trying to find my cocktail.

Unfortunately, the medication adjustments (starting a new intro dose of a new ADHD med) has had negative effects on my schooling. The motivation I had last semester disappeared. I began missing class. My wife who had become a cheerleader my first semester was forced into the role of caretaker or babysitter. If I made it to school, it was because of her efforts. I knew it was frustrating dealing with me in the mornings, especially when I went through days of not attending class. This got worse as the semester progressed and I'm now at the point of seriously considering withdrawing for a year so I don't end up failing this semester. The pressure on my wife, not just from me, but family (I had withdrawn) was taking a toll. We signed up for counselling. I suggested she take a few days to visit her parents, but she refused.

Then she began getting angry at me rather than supportive, which I dealt with by fighting with her or withdrawing.

Again, I had to visit the hospital to adjust my meds. While there she lost it on me after I told her that a nurse had suggested changing her approach for a potentially more effective outcome. At first I was stunned by her reaction. She's VERY involved in my healthcare, accompanying me to my psychiatrist visits. Both myself AND my psychiatrist value her input and perspective. But protocol dictates that the intake with the nurse is private and one on one. She called me a liar, telling me I had misrepresented all that she does for me in front of the nurse, and that I had withheld information. I felt hurt and betrayed. I could t believe she thought I'd do that when I owed her so much for helping to keep me together. It culminated in her leaving the hospital to wait in the car while I had to get over it (I really felt abandoned) and see my doctor almost immediately. I was shaken and I lied to my doctor that she was in the halls somewhere. He asked me to call her to get her to come and share her opinions, but she didn't answer.

After the appointment, I went to the car feeling betrayed, abandoned, and angry. I'd been in crisis and she seemingly attacked me then abandoned me.

We had a big blow up and it was decided she should stay with her parents for a while.

We talked over the past week, seeming to come together with a plan only just fight again.

We were together in my car, and fighting over the event at the hospital. She wouldn't take any responsibility for her behaviour and denied calling me a liar (she did several times, and I remember it clearly because that's what I found offensive about the entire fight. She then admitted to saying it but then blamed me saying it was due to my tone at the hospital. She just seemed to be ducking responsibility and blaming me. I lost it. I was mean and angry and ultimately said something I dearly regret. I consider what I said to be emotionally abusive and totally out of character. She said that I was hurting her (emotionally). I responded with "I wish I COULD hurt you". I am ashamed of what I said and regret it but at the same time realize I was in the grip of my mental illness, and she was actively aggravating and triggering me (I told her she was but she didn't stop).

We took more time apart, I apologized profusely for what I said, and in couples councilling we made extensive progress on exploring why I said what I did, whether I meant it, and explaining my shame and embarrassment.

It turns out my wife was recording our argument in the car on her phone. Why? I don't know. But to be honest it didn't really bother me. I know what I said, I accepted it and was working to move forward and improve.

Last night, despite an argument earlier in the day, I drove to her parents to bring her back to our pharmacy and then take her back.

She seemed to have other ideas, having packed for potentially coming home, a decision I was not aware of and one I thought to be a bad idea (we were still fighting). I said I was only expecting to run an errand with her and return her to her parents home. She started insisting on talking, grabbing coffee etc, but I wasn't really in engaging with her in that way. I told her several times how overwhelmed I was: fragile. I said I close to breaking and couldn't handle an argument.

I began driving home and she would not relent, yelling and screaming at me. I told her several times how vulnerable and fragile I felt and that she was triggering me, but she continued. She began telling me I needed to go to the hospital, that I was in crisis, and as she kept triggering me I did enter a crisis frame of mind. I told her I was dropping her off and going home. I just needed to remove myself from the situation. I new it was a very bad environment for me.

She said she wouldn't leave my car as we entered her subdivision. She was going to force a confrontation even though my brain was desperate to find a way walk away from this bad situation (she has a history of blocking my exit from over emotional arguments, won't let me cool down or gain some distance and perspective). I told her that was the case I'd call the police and let them separate us. I didn't want this getting out of hand and knew I couldn't deal with much more. I needed out.

She responded by laughing and saying that I should call the cops so she could play the recording for them. Not because she was threatened, but just to be spiteful.

I lost it. Not only was she not helping me, and actively and consciously triggering my psychosis or whatever I go through, but she was blackmailing me. After I'd been so open and worked so hard in couples therapy on that very issue, she was throwing it back in my face as a threat.

I left my car there and walked home in the sleet until I had to call my family to pick me up.

I've never responded well to blackmail. I find it cowardly abusive and always considered it a deal breaker in any type of relationship, romantic, plutonic, or business. I'd rather see both myself and the blackmailer go down, by being open rather than become a victim.

I feel like she betrayed my trust and to be honest I'm not sure if I can trust her again. To me this is one level below cheating in the **** up trust category.

Now I see her in a new light. Is she the type that would blackmail, or make false claims if we ever divorced? Is she the type to lie to ensure custody of children, or badmouth the other parent in front of their children? All because of personal animosity.

Is this a wake up call to me of what she's capable of? I don't know, but for the first time I'm seriously considering that this marriage might be irreparably damaged or doomed.

I haven't talked to her in the day since, and have no desire to. Last night she kept calling despite my telling her I wasn't ready to talk. I told her I'd block her number if I had to, and ended up having to block her cell phone as well as her parent's home phone.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I think I'll have to withdraw from college next week, as I don't think I'll be able to not only begin attending class regularly (which I'll need to do if I were to have any chance of passing) but take on an increased workload to make up what I've missed. I am potentially capable of it (I was top of my class last semester), but I don't think I have the emotional capacity to do it.

Also, I've decided that I can't see or speak with her till our next councilling session in a week. I texted this to her and she agreed.

If anyone made it through this entire novel of a post I sincerely appreciate it.

Also any advise or help would be great.

Thanks

[Gemma1]

Do you have kids? Where are they in all of this?

[elaine567]

Your wife sounds like she has had quite enough of YOUR mental illness and is at the end of her tether here.

 

She should keep staying at her parents, take any children you have with her, and you need to sort out your own head.

Violence. abuse, drama, who can put up with all that?

This is not a marriage, it is a nightmare.

The least of your worries is the "blackmail".

[Soxfaninfl]

I agree that you need to withdraw from school until you get your mental state in a good place. You need to focus also on getting your personal life in a good place. Your wife also needs to deal with her own personal issues herself.

 

The both of you should not live together since both of you are not stable. You and your wife need to continue to go to counseling before you can attempt to ever live together again. You need time apart especially when both of you have bad days and you don't take it out on each other. Good luck.

[Babs22]

Random,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. My 18 year old son has been dealing with severe depression, ADHD, etc. for 2 years. He has had multiple medication changes. His first meds did nothing and actually made things worse. His doctor didn't change anything and he could become very agitated and say horrible things to me. My husband and I had to use deescalation or things could get out of control including him breaking things. My H has trouble with this and has lost it at least once. I had to intervene. Luckily for my son, he has two stable parents who can recognize that this is mental illness. Your wife's responses to you right now makes me think that her own mental illness is not under control either. The things she is doing and saying to you during your difficult times is proof of that.

 

I know how difficult this all is for you and trying to go to school. I think you should withdrawal this semester, maybe with a doctors note so you won't loose money doing this. either way you need to take the time to heal yourself and get your meds and life figured out. I agree that you and your wife should not be living in the same house. This relationship is very unhealthy as it is. I think your wife needs more individual counseling and a medication check. You must take care of you first and let her take care of herself. Currently, you are not in a place to try to help her. My heart does go out to you as I watch my son battle the same demons. He is doing better with his anger, but his depression is not under control. He also suffers from insomnia. He is trying to finish his senior year. I understand how tough this is for you. Keep seeing your doctor, keep working on you. Stay away from people who aggravate your symptoms. I hope you have family or a few friends for support. Good luck.

[Randomlyrandomme]

Thank you all very much for taking the time to read and post. I know my spiel was overly long/rambley.

 

1- No kids. We both realized that we aren't ready for the responsibility, since we didn't have our careers set or mental health stable. As erratic and emotionally unstable as I can be, I'm not one to rush things without some for forethought. Especially regarding children. I think I'll be a fantastic parent one day, but it's always been obvious that I've not been financially independent enough to provide the life I want for any potential children.

 

Elaine:

I realize that my mental illness is the pressure and stimulus that pushed my wife to the breaking point obviously. I've been very proactive with therapy and medication, and we worked on developing a support plan that included her. She's my wife, so like any other close friend or family member, she had a part to play (which she was more than willing to do) I knew she was approaching her limit, but she refused to make any adjustments. As a couple, we spent many years working on her mental growth and recovery to the point she was hospitalized several times, ultimately spending a month in an in-patient women's program.

We both knew what we were getting into when I started: abuse,drama, etc. are the norm in this type of situation. It takes commitment and a strong partner. When I saw her burning out SHE refused my suggestion to take a break and remove herself from the pressures of my recovery. She chose to stay and "help" even when I told her it was not only not helping, but aggravating my issues.

As bad as my mental health state sounds, her's was even worse for a longer period. And as bad as my symptoms sound, her's were even worse. She was more intense for greater periods of time. But I was there for her just like she's been here for me till recently. But even when I was burnt out and at a point of questioning staying in the relationship I always put on the mask required to help her keep improving. Being burnt out doesn't doesn't mean actively attacking and exascerbating a partner's illness.

I am very good at taking responsibility for my actions. Even if I'm in the grips of my disease, I work very hard to figure out the root source, and cause of symptoms. I don't blame others for my issues. It's not my wife's fault I have ADHD any more than its mine that she's bipolar with PTSD.

While it may seem like a nightmare to you for her, It's MY nightmare. I'm the one faced with emotions and actions that go against my nature and compete against my will. She chose to stand by me, because she's my wife: she cares, wants a future with me that's better than the present. That's the commitment of marriage. And as I've said, we're not new to the issue of mental illness in a relationship.

But she was stubborn and stayed too close, even after I explained why she shouldn't, and stuck around past the point of being a negative emotional factor.

We had a plan. It was too much for her, but she was too stubborn to take the step back that both of us needed her to. She has much more control of her actions than I do.

 

Sox- great advice all around. I think I'm dropping out tomorrow. . I've also realized I'll have to do this on my own. Logically that means we'll have to have a separation lasting in the scale of months. I know I'll change between know and then, but all I feel now is a sense of loss regarding our relationship.

 

Babs- thank you very much for your empathic letter. I don't feel happy to know you're going through something similar, but I do take comfort in knowing that I'm not singularly unique in my issues and that others are persevering too. I'm glad your son has such strong support from you two. You're doing the right thing when you intervene when your husband gets flustered. You're doing the right thing by just being emotionally supportive until he finds his med cocktail that works for him. The past couple days, I've really opened up to my parents, sister and best friend like I never have (I don't open up to many people), and have found support I hadn't expected. It's tough for a lot of people to understand how to help. When to speak, when to give distance.

 

Regarding my class tuition; Since it was thought that this a potential outcome when I started, I have been provided with accommodations that allow me to withdraw/reduce course load without losing my tuition payments. I didn't think I needed it at the time, but I'm glad my Academic Councilor insisted.

 

Re: your sons depression: I've always considered my self depressed more than anything, but through treatment I've realized that my depression is how I deal with results of my unchecked ADHD. When my ADHD was effectively treated, my depression and anxiety ceased. I'm not sure if the same applies to your son, but at least consider it.

I think your right about my wife. Her instant reactions and misinterpretations are obviously due to her inability to control or understand her motivational drives. I think for some of this she may have been in a manic phase (intentionally destructive behaviour, and emotional highs). I don't think we have a chance together unless we both follow some difficult and emotional therapy. I've stressed to her that she needs a therapist (her's retired last year) but she hasn't made that a priority.

Edited February 28, 2016 by Randomlyrandomme
Adhd

[anika99]

I agree with Babs. Your relationship with your wife is very unhealthy and it doesn't sound like your wife is all that mentally well either. She can't support you anymore as it sounds like she needs help herself. Take time apart and focus on getting yourself well and hopefully your wife will do the same. Her blackmail threat was awful but maybe she wouldn't have really followed through with it. You know better than anyone if this is out of character for her.

[Randomlyrandomme]

Hi Anika

 

Thanks for reading and the advice. I agree with both of you.

 

Regarding blackmail and wether she meant it, I consider it to be similar to armed robbery:

If you walk into a bank with hands in pocket and claim to have a gun (but don't) it's considered armed robbery, because you've threatened them, forcing them to fear the potential of gun violence. It makes no difference in the mind of the victim wether the pocket has a gun it or not. The threat of the gun is part of the crime.

 

Additionally, looking back, what she had recorded was not illegal. There was no threat, just the expression of a desire for something I acknowledged as forbidden. Ex: I wish I could be an astronaut doesn't mean "I will be an Astronaut" it implies that even though I wish to be, there is a reason I cannot.

 

And it wasn't the threat of police that bothers me. It's that she would take something personal, and sensitive, and not only throw it in my face after an apparent resolution, but that she would use a threat to try to get me to do something against my will. The act of blackmail destroys trust, through taking something personal, and trying to use it against you.

 

We'd talked about the end of our marriage councilling sessions, and if I was in a better place, seeing a sex therapist (something we've previously discussed), but now my thought process is; why would I open up more? Reveal desires or kinks, when I know she's capable in a moment of anger and spite (which she's had) of betraying me with that information. I feel like I'd just be giving her potentially embarrassing information that she might use against me.

 

Even if I come through happy and recovered in a few months, and she does the same, I don't know how to trust her.

[sandylee1]

Her threatening to tell the police would make me want out of the relationship. The problem is you both suffer from mental illness and perhaps she isn't really equipped to support you fully. TBH it is a big ask..... and rather than say she isn't up to it..she might be indirectly trying to push you away.

 

Discuss your fears of this blackmail in your next session... maybe she can explain what she meant. If she denies it.. you're best out of the marriage.

[ChickiePops]

Having also been forced into the role of caretaker for a loved one, I understand what your wife is going through and I think you need to cut your wife a lot more slack. Like, WAY more than you are right now. I'm guessing this is not what she signed up for when she married you and it's frustrating as hell for her. These are some of the things she's probably going through right now:

 

Frustration- dealing with a person she married who's meant to be her partner who's ended up being more of a patient.

 

Pain- she loves you and watching you suffer makes her feel helpless, hopeless, worthless, sad, and angry at the world.

 

Resentment- it's not fair. The whole situation is not fair to her, and it's not fair to you either. But you would be dealing with this with or without her. She is making a conscious choice to be there for you because she loves you. Doesn't mean it's fair to her though.

 

The roller coaster- some days are better than others and those days give her hope. Then another bad day will come along and she ends up being bitterly disappointed even though she knew it was coming.

 

Please understand that I'm not blaming you AT ALL, I'm only trying to help you see it from her perspective. Mental illness is a very real, very serious, very sad thing and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry for both of you.

 

That said, I think you definitely need some time away from each other and that she should get into therapy and perhaps a support group for spouses of the mentally ill.

[anika99]

I don't think whether you can trust her or not in the future is something you have to decide right now. Take time apart, work on healing and if sometime down the road you both want to reconcile then you can revisit this issue. I understand that she damaged your trust and feelings of safety and security with her by making such a threat. Likely you have also damaged her trust and feelings of security by things you have done and said. I know I had a emotionally volatile partner for some years that included rages, breaking things, calling me vile names, etc and by the end of it I had no trust in him at all. I was damaged by his behaviour and began lashing out with nastiness myself. So just remember it takes two. If you reconcile you will both have a lot to forgive each other for.

[Randomlyrandomme]

Wow.

Some of that was tough to hear, but

You're right

One thing at a time, and see where We/I'm at at the end.

And I guess I don't even know when or how I'll get there, so I'm just speculating in that case.

 

 

Thanks a lot everyone.

[Babs22]

Babs- thank you very much for your empathic letter. I don't feel happy to know you're going through something similar, but I do take comfort in knowing that I'm not singularly unique in my issues and that others are persevering too. I'm glad your son has such strong support from you two. You're doing the right thing when you intervene when your husband gets flustered. You're doing the right thing by just being emotionally supportive until he finds his med cocktail that works for him. The past couple days, I've really opened up to my parents, sister and best friend like I never have (I don't open up to many people), and have found support I hadn't expected. It's tough for a lot of people to understand how to help. When to speak, when to give distance.

 

Thanks for your kind comments. This has all been a learning experience for me. I now have an understanding of mental illness I would have never had if this had not happened. In my opinion, you cannot understand mental illness unless you have it or have lived with someone who is dealing with it. We do our best to help him deal. He did not ask for this and it has sidetracked him in so many ways. I am so glad that you have reached out to your family and friends and found the support you need.

 

Regarding my class tuition; Since it was thought that this a potential outcome when I started, I have been provided with accommodations that allow me to withdraw/reduce course load without losing my tuition payments. I didn't think I needed it at the time, but I'm glad my Academic Councilor insisted.

 

This is good to know. My son is hoping to go to college and is talking about community college. He is very bright, but at this point in time, I would like him to take it slow, a couple classes at a time, at least until we get some of his medication issues figured out. I don't want him to be over stressed. Trying to finish high school is difficult because you are supposed to be at school all day and this is often hard for him. I am working on getting an IEP. I had never thought of getting an accommodation to withdraw or reduce a course load. It is a good idea. Thanks.

 

Re: your sons depression: I've always considered my self depressed more than anything, but through treatment I've realized that my depression is how I deal with results of my unchecked ADHD. When my ADHD was effectively treated, my depression and anxiety ceased. I'm not sure if the same applies to your son, but at least consider it.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me about this since you have personal experience of having to deal with this yourself. My son is currently taking medications for ADHD, depression, anxiety and insomnia. It is a lot of medicine. I had not thought about the effects of his ADHD like that. To me, the ADHD seemed like the least of his problems. Your reply has made me rethink that idea. Perhaps the ADHD is at the root of his problem. Thank you again for that explanation.

 

I think your right about my wife. Her instant reactions and misinterpretations are obviously due to her inability to control or understand her motivational drives. I think for some of this she may have been in a manic phase (intentionally destructive behaviour, and emotional highs). I don't think we have a chance together unless we both follow some difficult and emotional therapy. I've stressed to her that she needs a therapist (her's retired last year) but she hasn't made that a priority.

 

I truly hope your wife finds the help she needs and that you can find the help you need. I think that you both need to do that work independently before you can ever get someplace in your MC. I wish you both the best, but if your interactions are going to be as confrontational as some of the ones you described, I think unless there is a third party present, such as a therapist, I would limit the time you are alone together. Perhaps you should plan to each arrive at counseling separately so you don't find yourself in another horrible exchange with each other.

 

Thanks again for your input towards my son and his battle with mental illness. Your words have helped.

[MissCongeniality]

I didn't read everything I just caught the parts about mental illness and I've some posts by other users. Here's what I think black mail is wrong there is no excuse. Are you sure this is really happening? Sometimes with mental illness people tend to exaggerate a situation and blow things out of proportion.

 

I also have ADHD so I can kind of understand what you go through. You need t meet each other half way. You both need to see a councilor.

 

EDIT:

Okay I just read a bit more it sounds like she's too invovled in your medical issues is she always this controlling? Will she let you see a doctor without her? Or is this absolutely necessary?

Edited March 1, 2016 by MissCongeniality

[BettyDraper]

I think a separation while both of you work on your emotional stability would be helpful.

[Randomlyrandomme]

Okay I just read a bit more it sounds like she's too invovled in your medical issues is she always this controlling? Will she let you see a doctor without her? Or is this absolutely necessary?

 

The decision regarding her involvement was something we figured out together, not due to a controlling nature. I've had issues remembering events and chronologies recently and would be so erratic, I couldn't trust myself to remember without bias. I thought my Dr could use her observations (she's a psych major with experience), and she has proved very helpful.

 

I'm very sure of what happened. My ADHD meds which affect my memory and cognitive function have gotten to therapeutic levels recently, so I truly do feel as though a have an accurate recollection.

 

I definitely think a separation is necessary to heal our minds, before we can even hope to address our issues.

 

 

Everyone's been so helpful. I feel like I've made some real progressed and gained some clarity.

Thanks again.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Randomly, after having read your OP I would think that it would be indeed very difficult for you to get back with your wife. In the circumstances you would be doing a big favour to both yourselves if you were to plan to divorce your wife. Two people who are suffering from disorders of the mind are, in my opinion, highly unsuited to be married to each other. Although on the one hand you two understand each other's problems, but, due to your own weaknesses you are not equipped to handle them the way a stable person would. A little stress when one of you is sick, could set the other person off and then there would be two people, mentally disturbed, who would be left trying to handle each other and solve their problems. Theatre other important fact to keep in mind is that mental disease is usually genetic. If both husband and wife suffer from mental disease/ disorder then their children are twice as likely to develop such a disorder. I am sure neither you nor your wife would like to be responsible for bringing children into this world who are handicapped in this way.

Please think about these issues before you take any decision about getting back together. While you may remain friends with your wife, being married to her may not be such a good idea. Warm wishes to you.