Anyone with experience with sex therapy?

[kiltedpadre]

Hello, new member hoping someone will have some experience/ signs of hope from their own life.

My wife has a therapist she sees for an eating disorder that had recommended we see a sex therapist. As you can imagine, this is because our sex life at this point is pretty terrible.

We are on a "sex schedule," which even when it happens I don't like. I just don't like sex being scheduled and being told to ignore whether or not I am actually in the mood. Unfortunately, as of late it seems like it barely ever happens. The "plan" is to have sex on Tuesday and Thursday.

My wife has literally zero sex drive; she has actually told her therapist she would be just fine if we never had sex.

My sex drive used to be VERY strong (and for quite awhile hers matched that), but due to the stress and frustration of our current situation it has drastically dropped off. That being said I still would like to be having sex more if the sex was actually any better.

We've had 5 appointments so far with a sex therapist. We should've had more, but unfortunately there isn't an actual sex therapist in our area so we have to drive an hour for appointments.

We've been given one assignment to learn how we like to touch/be touched.

We've learned my wife is very touch averse, and likes when I rub her legs, but otherwise she flinches when I touch her torso at all.

Similarly, she enjoys giving me backrubs and running her hands along my legs, but doesn't like touching the front of my body at all.

I'm already feeling frustrated that it seems like we have gotten the one homework assignment and discussed that, but I'm finding it a little odd that other than background info during the first session actual sex hasn't been discussed. Is this normal given that we are early in the process?

 

Basically, I'm hoping someone here has some experience with sex therapy and can share some insights on what to expect from it. Needless to say I'm hoping to hear about magic moments of sexual zen with couples that have gone, but I'm not optimistic.

[Soxfaninfl]

I will be interested know what happens with your situation. My wife and I are currently in counseling (one session so far).

 

My wife currently has no sex drive due to the fact that she's on antidepressants. She really didn't have one prior to the antidepressants due to all the stress in her life. Honestly at this point I would be happy if we scheduled sex since we hadn't had any since June. It's been miserable. I'm hoping counseling will help our situation also.

[kiltedpadre]

Another appointment today, and basically more of the same. Just a moment to ask how the "exercise" he gave us has gone, asked what we had done in general since we last got together, and then some seemingly random discussions. Heck, we spent almost 10 minutes discussing some of the changes over the last couple of years in terms of mental health and counseling coverage through health insurance (this was prompted by a couple statements from my wife though so it's not like the therapist had just randomly decided he wanted to talk about insurance).

I'm still curious whether this type of situation is normal. I know patience has never been one of my strong suits, but honestly I'm just getting a bit frustrated. It doesn't help that the exercises have pretty much replaced even the bad sex that we were having.

[oldshirt]

I think sex therapy can help if two people are healthy and have a normal sexual response but are either completely ignorant about how the human sexual response works (ie have never heard of foreplay or have no clue about arousal etc) or if there is some kind of specific roadblock that is interfering with their sexual response that can be corrected such as their partner has bad breath or they don't have any kind of relationship or rapport outside the bedroom etc.

 

 

A therapist can even help some people work around a major health/medical/physical issue such as if someone gets paralyzed or loses their legs or has some kind of injury to their genitals etc etc.

 

 

I don't know how effective traditional sex therapy is if it a hormonal or physiological issue or if it is an attraction/chemistry issue.

 

 

If your wife has lost her attraction to you because you've put on 50lbs and sit around the how playing video games all day, I don't know if traditional therapy will be able to bring that out or if the therapist will come right out and tell you to get to the gym and get off your butt.

 

 

The fact she is being treated for an eating disorder as an adult may also be a factor. Any type of physiological or mental disorder can play havoc on the sexual response.

 

 

In issues in the bedroom, medical and mental issues must be addressed first. Anti-depressants and some other medications are notorious for killing the libido so that needs to be looked into as well. The baseline always needs to be a healthy person firing on all cylinders. From there other factors need to be looked into such as is there a 3rd party (ia affair) that they are involved with or is there an attraction issue or a relationship issue that needs to be addressed.

 

 

In cases where sexual attraction and chemistry are the issue, I often recommend Athol Kay's books and website which are called, " Married Man Sexlife." That website and books deal primarily with how women lose attraction to their mate after marriage and how much can get their sexy back and become sexually attractive and desirable to their wives again.

 

 

The caveat there though is no matter how fit and buff and well dressed and good looking and sexy you become, if your wife has a medical, mental or physiological pathology taking place, you could be Brad Pitt himself and she may not respond. Medical, mental and physiological problems always need to be fixed first.

[heartwhole]

I can't speak to sex therapy at all. I just wanted to say that a quick google search shows a lot of information about the relationship with eating disorders and libido. For example: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/when-food-is-family/201406/sexual-satisfaction-and-eating-disorders

 

I was put on an SSRI for some health problems and it killed my libido. I read the women's health book "Moody B*tches" by Dr. Julie Holland and it helped me get a picture of my whole health. I decided to wean off the SSRI (I was not on it for depression, just because they are thought to improve my chronic condition). The book mentioned how important smell is when bonding with a mate, so I spent some time smelling my husband's armpit to try to reconnect. My midwife had also mentioned to me that there were creams I could try if I had trouble with sexual function. All this is to say simply that sex therapy alone is probably not the answer in your case, since you have gone 5 times and seen little improvement. But the fact that you re both willing and putting in the effort is good. I'd probably just start shifting my effort elsewhere if you don't have any radical breakthroughs by the next session.

 

Has your wife reached out to her doctor and OB for help too?

[road]

There is a movie where Helen Hunt was a sex therapist.

 

 

So there are genuine reasons to use one.

 

 

Now being that you and your wife are having problems with sex and it was recommended then why not get a woman sexual surrogate therapist to work with the both of you to get you reconnected.

 

 

Not doing it is not going to help. So I can't see not doing it making it worse.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I happen to think Therapy, of just about any kind, is a total crock.

 

If two people WANT to change, then maybe an objective 3rd party might help get them over the hump. But other than that, the therapists I've met ( and the ones I know personally ) are pretty much just there to therapeutically remove your money form your wallet or insurance company.

 

Id your results differ, I'd love to hear about it. BUt so far it sounds like you are the path to discovering that it's all just quackery.

[dichotomy]

Yes we spent 9 months with a marriage sex therapist. About a 30 min drive. Honestly our therapist (Sex and Marriage) spent alot of time on the marriage and our relationship before even getting in to sexual recommendations - one of which was scheduled sex.

 

We (ok - she) had a butt load of other issues to resolve anyway. In the end the therapist was helpful to me in the sense that she basically said - "your husband is amazing and most women would love to have a man like that - I need to see you alone to get to the bottom of this".. basically it was finally a relief to me to never let her put this on me again. My wife went to about 3-4 session on her own and stopped. Since I was not driving us to couples sessions there was no way for me to get her to go by her self but I still tried.

 

I can say that the quality of our sex life went from a "D -" grade" to a " C+ or B -" grade after the therapy ended. Occasionally better. I appreciate that change. However quantity never changed - and remains at twice a month.

 

Some of the A.Kay books where helpful - but my wife's sexuality is complicated beyond whats in those books.

 

Other parts of the marriage (non sexual) have also improved after therapy and time. I can say that other than sex - I am content with the improvements in our marriage, Which is a good thing...and also makes it even more difficult to ever consider leaving over it.

Edited March 7, 2016 by dichotomy

[Michelle ma Belle]

Yep I've been here and can tell you that this is VERY normal. The actual S.E.X. part of sex therapy has very little to do with it. It's about building trust and learning about each other on a deeper level. It's about learning about one's limits and how to overcome obstacles and hang-ups due to past trauma etc.. All of that is VERY important to creating a healthy and fulfilling sex life (especially for women) but can and will take a LONG time.

 

I also want to remind you that nothing, not even sex therapy will work unless you AND your partner are committed to it together. The assignments may seem lame at first but they're designed for a reason and the moment you skip over them or ignore them or trivialize them is the moment you might as well kiss any progress goodbye. Stop wasting your money.

 

My ex and I were given similar homework and he guffawed at them all. It was like pulling teeth to get him to participate and if/when he did, it was halfhearted as he rolled his eyes about everything. It was very disheartening and I stopped booking the sessions shortly thereafter and concentrated on working on myself from that point on.

 

I'm a HUGE advocate for therapy even if it's just individual therapy but like everything, you have to be open to it and genuinely want to improve things otherwise it's a waste of time, energy and money.

 

Good luck.

[dichotomy]

Hello, new member hoping someone will have some experience/ signs of hope from their own life.

My wife has a therapist she sees for an eating disorder that had recommended we see a sex therapist. As you can imagine, this is because our sex life at this point is pretty terrible.

We are on a "sex schedule," which even when it happens I don't like. I just don't like sex being scheduled and being told to ignore whether or not I am actually in the mood. Unfortunately, as of late it seems like it barely ever happens. The "plan" is to have sex on Tuesday and Thursday.

My wife has literally zero sex drive; she has actually told her therapist she would be just fine if we never had sex.

My sex drive used to be VERY strong (and for quite awhile hers matched that), but due to the stress and frustration of our current situation it has drastically dropped off. That being said I still would like to be having sex more if the sex was actually any better.

We've had 5 appointments so far with a sex therapist. We should've had more, but unfortunately there isn't an actual sex therapist in our area so we have to drive an hour for appointments.

We've been given one assignment to learn how we like to touch/be touched.

We've learned my wife is very touch averse, and likes when I rub her legs, but otherwise she flinches when I touch her torso at all.

Similarly, she enjoys giving me backrubs and running her hands along my legs, but doesn't like touching the front of my body at all.

I'm already feeling frustrated that it seems like we have gotten the one homework assignment and discussed that, but I'm finding it a little odd that other than background info during the first session actual sex hasn't been discussed. Is this normal given that we are early in the process?

 

Basically, I'm hoping someone here has some experience with sex therapy and can share some insights on what to expect from it. Needless to say I'm hoping to hear about magic moments of sexual zen with couples that have gone, but I'm not optimistic.

 

Can you expand on these issues

 

- She has an eating disorder. how long and whats up with this disorder. Could her issues behind her eating disorder be causing sex drive issues ?

- She used to have a high sex drive and no issues with sex with you? why and when did this change?

- Your in a stressful situation right now - what besides sex is going on ?

 

 

It seems there would have been more therapy on these before giving sex homework.

[DreamP]

I was studying to be a sex therapist (had to drop out) but I know many sex therapist. My professor, who was a renown one, said the first 4 sessions are just background info. Only after that does she start developing a plan. So no real action/advice until after 6 sessions. It is a very slow process but if both of you really commit to it, you will see results. Don't get frustrated. The touch exercise seems like a big learning. After all the years together, did you know this about yourself and your spouse? Obviously not. So basically you made a huge finding that you hadn't in many years.

 

Ask your therapist about his/her plan. For example my professor's plan was:

Week one: introductions

week 2: partner 1 alone, history including parents, childhood, etc

week 3: partner 2 alone, history including parents, childhood, etc

week 4: both together sex history

week 5 and 6: work on a plan

Then the actual work began for the couples

[Lois_Griffin]

Sex starts in the brain.

 

Your wife has ZERO sexual desire.

 

Your 'therapist' can make you do all kinds of exercises and make you schedule sex and feel each other and all these other things, but if she AIN'T feeling it, it's not going to magically change.

 

Period.

 

I agree with TrustedThenBusted - most therapists are quacks who make a very good living on the people who think they're helping them.

[dichotomy]

I think the transition from high drive and interest to low or no drive - leaves something at least for a therapist to get to the bottom of.

 

I think often this will require individual discussions with the low sex person. I do remember our first sessions were separate - the therapist got into sexual history, relationship history in private before starting couples therapy. All of that one on one work remained private.

 

I agree that getting OP;s wife to start right way into physical homework so soon - does not get to the bottom of why she changed.