Not sure if I want to propose

[sarcoi]

I have been with my GF for 4 years. I'm 28, she's 23. We've been living together for 2.5 years and we have a 1 year old. She brings up engagement and wedding and I either avoid the conversation or end it as fast as I can without making it obvious. I'm just not sure. And I dont know if that's normal or a red flag.

 

I don't always want to be with her. Sometimes I feel stuck or like I'm only staying because of the child. We just don't feel like a couple really. Like we're too comfortable. But at the same time I want to be with her. Its confusing.

[Mr. Lucky]

Sometimes I feel stuck or like I'm only staying because of the child.

 

in your mind, what commitment does marriage represent that having a child together does not ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[sarcoi]

in your mind, what commitment does marriage represent that having a child together does not ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You don't have to stay together for a child, its not always even best. We don't really fight though. Either way she will always be in my life, but to what degree...

 

And the child was not planned. I love him, but didn't plan on having one ever let alone now.

Edited December 18, 2015 by sarcoi

[road]

You don't have to stay together for a child, its not always even best. We don't really fight though. Either way she will always be in my life, but to what degree...

 

And the child was not planned. I love him, but didn't plan on having one ever let alone now.

 

 

 

 

ROTFALMAO Why is it some men have sex when not married and when they have a child they see it as no problem that they will not be there 24, 7, 365 so their child is not raised in a broken home.

 

 

Why is it that too many people see sex as only fun when in reality it is very serious business with serious consequences that just happens to be enjoyable to do.

[TaraMaiden2]

You have two options:

Schytz or get off the pot.

The fact you have a child with this woman now means you will be forever linked to her as the mother of the child you didn't really want.

 

How connected you therefore remain to this little spanner in the works, is your problem, and one I hope you will consider 100% responsibly.

 

Secondly, I have a motto that works really perfectly for me, whether I'm considering buying a pair of shoes or dating someone:

 

"If it feels good, do it.

When in doubt - don't."

 

You actually don't want to marry her, otherwise the issue would not be embarrassing or difficult for you.

You avoid it and change the subject.

 

The fact she keeps mentioning it means that this is a big issue for her, and really, you need to be the decent guy, and be honest with her.

 

I don't want to marry you.

It's not what I ever had in mind, and I'm not even sure we have a long-lasting relationship."

 

You're with her for precisely the reson you stated.

It's comfortable and convenient.

Hey, you have company, a roof over your head, meals with someone and a cushy life.

 

In other words, this is working more for you, than her, because she's seeking a goal.

You aren't, and you're perfectly ok with how things are running.

 

Well bud, quit prevaricating and playing with her life.

You're being unfair on her.

 

I'm not saying you don't have a right to live life the way you want. Of course, you can, that's your prerogative.

But don't crap on hers while you do.

[SJS]

How did you feel about her before the baby? IME, babies really change the dynamics of a relationship and it takes a long time to get into the new change. Would you be with her if you hadn't had the baby? What's your experience been with marriage...are your parents still together, grandparents, etc?

[sandylee1]

I suggest that you be honest with her... so that she can seek a man who is willing and HAPPY to commit to her by marrying her. Do not waste her time by dodging the subject otherwise she will find a man who is serious and dump you. Don't let it get to the point that she resents you.

 

The child is young enough to adjust to parents living seperately.... anything else is just stringing her along.

[Mr. Lucky]

You don't have to stay together for a child, its not always even best. And the child was not planned. I love him, but didn't plan on having one ever let alone now.

 

I'm assuming you'd allow your GF the same potential freedom, right? She could leave the relationship and "the child" (really ???) with you since it wasn't planned?

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited December 18, 2015 by Mr. Lucky

[pteromom]

I don't always want to be with her. Sometimes I feel stuck or like I'm only staying because of the child. We just don't feel like a couple really. Like we're too comfortable. But at the same time I want to be with her. Its confusing.

 

"Comfortable" is what mature love looks like.

 

It is not the same as that butterflies, exciting, new, i-want-to-rip-your-clothes-off, you-are-absolutely-perfect feeling you get in early dating.

 

The thing about that feeling is that NO MATTER who you end up with, that honeymoon phase will always fade to one of comfort. (Unless you are unfortunate enough to end up with someone with a personality disorder, in which case, life will be a roller coaster of drama - but that drama WILL include that exciting feeling every time you make up.)

 

The questions you need to be asking about whether you see a future with her shouldn't be based on only your feelings for her, but about the PRACTICALITY of a life with her.

 

 

• Is she a good person - honest, open, kind, respectful?
  
• Is she a good gf to you - is she a giver as well as a taker?
  
• Do you want the same things in life?
  
• Can you see her being a good caretaker as you get old together?
  
• Do you bring out the best in each other?
  
• Do you "argue" well - where there is resolution to issues resulting in growth?
  
• Do you have fun together? (Even if that fun is sitting on the couch making sarcastic comments about your favorite show.)
  
• Do you have a good balance of responsibility - you each know your roles and are capable of handling them?
  

 

This is the stuff that makes or breaks a relationship. Not "feelings" which ebb and flow over the years.

 

Of course, even if you check all YES boxes above, there is one question that you have to ask yourself before you propose...

 

Are you ready? Are you ready to forego dating anyone else and commit your life to one person?

 

If the answer is no, then nothing else matters. Don't get married if you aren't ready to make that commitment. But you need to be honest with her. Don't string her along if you know what she wants and you aren't capable of giving it to her.

[ShatteredLady]

I completely agree with this quote - "The thing about that feeling is that NO MATTER who you end up with, that honeymoon phase will always fade to one of comfort."

 

.....The truth is that EVERY marriage will have highs & lows. I also agree that if your person has all of those qualities listed your M, your life will be better, easier going.

 

I've experienced a LOT of joy & a LOT of pain in my marriage. I believe that its often easier, more probable to get through the truly horrible stuff if you have the memory of being deeply in love....butterflies & all that jazz!

 

 

If you're a particular kind of VERY principled, rational, loyal man & the mother of your child ticks all the boxes...you just never planned on becoming a married father at this age...things could work out great for you.

 

Do your GF & child have a strong support network? You can be a great father without being married & living in the same house. I have friends who love their step Dad's AND their fathers. They both fullfilled very different roles. if you choose this route PLEASE be a grown-up about it. YOU can make all the difference in that little life.

 

Just in case you're one of "those" people...NO! Your child will NOT be better off without you, never seeing you!!! No! No! No!

[ShatteredLady]

Just have to share this....

 

Our dear friend (male) I've talked about here has custody of his 3 kids. It was his sons birthday at the weekend. The mother was VERY late because she had to "Stop to buy a gift & card". She left after 1 hour because she had a date with a man she met the night before!

 

Even if you don't see being a parent as a very special gift be aware of the incredible damage c**p parents can do to innocent lives. All the kids were (yet again) devastated!

[sarcoi]

How dId you feel about her before the baby? IME, babies really change the dynamics of a relationship and it takes a long time to get into theI've never w change. Would you be with her if you hadn't had the baby? What's your experience been with marriage...are your parents still together, grandparents, etc?

 

I don't think we'd be together if we didn't have our son. She blames everything on me and makes me feel like **** (she completely disagees and doesn't see it). Ive never been married before. No one in my family has ever been divorced.

 

I NEVER said if we broke up I'd ditch my kid. So don't go making assumptions on that.

 

I cheated 5 months ago. It was with an ex from my teen years. Mostly emotional (talking online, texting) but we did meet up a few times and things progressed to sex. I ended it and haven't really talked to her since. My GF said if I ever cheated she didn't want to know because she'd never get over it.

 

Yes, it makes me feel like ****. For a while it made me feel better about us because Irealized or thought iI realized how much I wanted to be with her. But then the uncertainty came back.

[Anderlie]

Sounds like you're sabotaging it however consciously or unconsciously. If you're looking for the escape of an affair now I can't see the extra commitment of marriage helping you. It's scary getting back out there on your own, it can be easy to rationalise staying in a situation we don't want to be in because it's safe and easy and in your case you can apparently do some light cheating to whet your appetite. However at that point you are really not being fair to your partner. She's got the right to a happy relationship too and if you're not going to give it to her you should let her find someone else.

 

Between you and me child or not I don't think there are many 23 year olds really ready for marriage anyway, no matter how mature they think they are.

Edited December 19, 2015 by Anderlie
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[MidwestUSA]

There shouldn't be any proposal until you've confessed to your affair, and given her the chance to either forgive you and work thru it, or leave you.

 

The way you're sitting on the fence, she deserves to know. And I think it would be best if you split. Why should anyone marry a cheater?

[sarcoi]

She is happy. She has no idea about the cheating and I intend to keep it that way. Unless I tell her she would never find out. She doesn't even suspect anything. After I ch eated I was happy for a while. I haven't cheated before (except when I was a teenager). She told me not to tell her, so why put that on her? She was cheated on in her only other 2 relationships and it still bothers her. We could all be happy if a few times a year I was with someone else.

 

She is only 23 though. She is more mature than many of my 26-29 year old friends, but still only 23. She was orphaned at 2 (dad murdered mom) so she's always been more serious and mature. I don't want a divorce though, no one in my family has ever been divorced

 

Like I said, she is happy. I think she'd be more unhappy if we broke up and she was alone (we moved to my hometown were she knows no one) and only saw our son half the time, because I would fight for custody.

[privategal]

Look, its not complicated.

Just split up and share custody.

Your not happy, its not love, that wont change.

She is young and can heal and rebuild her life.

Do it the right way.

Be clear, firm, sensitive to the pain it will cause but explain you didn't want to be married and you love your son and want to still be an involved parent and keep the peace with her.

Just break up. Clean and simple.

[MidwestUSA]

 

We could all be happy if a few times a year I was with someone else.

 

I don't want a divorce though, no one in my family has ever been divorced.

 

I hope you're joking. If not, then open up your relationship so she can get some on the side too.

 

The best way to avoid divorce is to not get married. I highly suggest that for you.

[Popsicle]

Maybe you're just "playing house" right now but don't really want to do it for real.

[sarcoi]

Maybe I need to tell her that for me to propose we need a better sex life. We have sex once a week at most, and its always me on top. She doesn't like trying new things. She really wants to be married so maybe she'll get more adventurous. She doesn't want to be dumped so she'd probably do anything.

[MJJean]

You keep mentioning that you don't want a divorce and that no one in your family has ever been divorced. To me, that says you don't want to marry her because you know it will probably end in divorce.

 

You know you don't want to marry her. Now it's time for her to know that.

 

You should also tell het about the affair. I know you say she doesn't want to know, but do you really think she wants to live a lie for years of her life?

[Mr. Lucky]

Maybe I need to tell her that for me to propose we need a better sex life. We have sex once a week at most, and its always me on top. She doesn't like trying new things.

 

You're awfully critical of the person you've selected to be with and start a family with. And yet, in the most basic sense, she's the one you've chosen.

 

Why the disconnect ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[privategal]

Sex doesn't make nor save a marriage. Being best friends does.

So she's desperate not to get dumped so you'll demand better sex?

Why marry YOU?

You sound like your sitting on the couch waiting for perfection to fall in your lap.

Are you really THAT great yourself?

Are other girls lining up to marry you?

Don't settle but oh my...you MUST be Gods gift.

When is the last time you bought flowers or gave her some 'me' time to get her hair and nails done while you watched the baby?

Your just worried about your d%ck and have gigs is my guess.

[pteromom]

She is happy. She has no idea about the cheating and I intend to keep it that way. Unless I tell her she would never find out. She doesn't even suspect anything. After I ch eated I was happy for a while. I haven't cheated before (except when I was a teenager). She told me not to tell her, so why put that on her? She was cheated on in her only other 2 relationships and it still bothers her. We could all be happy if a few times a year I was with someone else.

 

I am one of the few on LS who agree with you that sometimes it is better not to tell.

 

BUT - only if you learn from the affair and are willing and capable of never doing it again.

 

Since you are thinking that you would cheat a few times a year, you are definitely not ready for marriage!!

 

Also, the big secret of this affair is certainly affecting the intimacy in your relationship. You can't be open and vulnerable with her when you are carrying this giant secret around. It forces you to be closed up. So no wonder you aren't feeling much for her.

[pteromom]

She blames everything on me and makes me feel like **** (she completely disagees and doesn't see it).

 

Nobody has the power to MAKE you feel anything. She can blame you for anything she wants to, but if what she is accusing you of does not ring true, you do not have to accept the blame or the responsibility of whatever she is upset about.

 

Yes, it makes me feel like ****. For a while it made me feel better about us because Irealized or thought iI realized how much I wanted to be with her. But then the uncertainty came back.

 

You feel like **** because of guilt. You have REASON to feel like ****. So you can't go blaming your gf about you feeling that way. It's your own dang fault.

 

If you decide you want to continue to stay with her, even if you don't confess the affair, you have to find a way to absolve yourself of the guilt of it and make a commitment to be open and honest and faithful from this point forward. Otherwise, there is just no point in trying.

[Babs22]

S She was cheated on in her only other 2 relationships and it still bothers her. We could all be happy if a few times a year I was with someone else.

 

Unfortunately, you guys put the cart before the horse when you had a child before you even had time to figure out if your relationship would be a long term relationship or not. I had dated and lived with my husband for 8 years prior to us having a child, and we did decide to get married. To this day, I wish we had not married because we were having a child together.

 

I do not know what you mean by your quote above. She has obviously been hurt in the past and now you have cheated and don't want to tell her. I think that would be okay if you weren't going to do it again, except you are already talking about cheating a few times a year. If that is what you feel like you would have to do, I do not think you should marry her and I think you should separate now. She deserves better than that.

 

You mentioned that you are not happy with your sex life. This is no little thing to ignore. Please don't marry her hoping she will try new things. Most likely, your sex life will remain the same and actually over time will get worse. Being on the same page sexually is too important to ignore.

Marriage is far too important and difficult to commit to if you are not all in. You can't do it because you have a kid and you can't do it because she wants to be married. You should do it only if you really truly WANT to marry her and you love her. Going into a marriage with plans to cheat every few months is no way to have a marriage.