adna89 Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Me and my husband had a fight about his past ,i saw a video from his brothers wedding and said "why didnt you take your ex (in the start he had both me and her,but claims it was not serious)....he then gets mad and says "i did not but maybe i should have she is 3 times prettier than you and i love her not you" and then started yelling at me and saying really hurtfully stuff.He is at work now and i really have no idea what to do,i feel incredibly hurt..maybe i did overreact with his past in the past but this was too much.The thing is he has explained to me a few times everything but every now and then i mention it,so now he just gets very angry when i bring the past up Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 he then gets mad and says "i did not but maybe i should have she is 3 times prettier than you and i love her not you" and then started yelling at me and saying really hurtfully stuff. Then why is he not with her? Why did he marry you? And if he honestly and truly believes that he loves her and not you, then you should file for divorce immediately. I'm serious. How long have you been married and why would you want to continue in a relationship with someone who has this amount of disregard for you? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 What about the past sets off these arguments? We need more context OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Well, you can sit and cry into your beer or pack his sh*t and have it waiting out in the front yard when he gets home. I'd pick the yard option, myself. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Me and my husband had a fight about his past ,i saw a video from his brothers wedding and said "why didnt you take your ex (in the start he had both me and her,but claims it was not serious)....he then gets mad and says "i did not but maybe i should have she is 3 times prettier than you and i love her not you" and then started yelling at me and saying really hurtfully stuff.He is at work now and i really have no idea what to do,i feel incredibly hurt..maybe i did overreact with his past in the past but this was too much.The thing is he has explained to me a few times everything but every now and then i mention it,so now he just gets very angry when i bring the past up We would need to know more. Sometimes, one gets rapped up in argument when mad, and says really bad stuff. Was it this? Obliviously, he married you, so you came out on "top". What is it about his past that makes you want to talk about it. In my opinion, your past, to include your sexual past, should not be brought up in a marriage, relationship, unless it has a impact the marriage. Is this the case? I wish you luck.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author adna89 Posted December 7, 2015 Author Share Posted December 7, 2015 We would need to know more. Sometimes, one gets rapped up in argument when mad, and says really bad stuff. Was it this? Obliviously, he married you, so you came out on "top". What is it about his past that makes you want to talk about it. In my opinion, your past, to include your sexual past, should not be brought up in a marriage, relationship, unless it has a impact the marriage. Is this the case? I wish you luck.... Well he was angry when he said that so yes it can be that,but what it is is that he was with her when he met me so this is very sensitive to meit has been an issue for months ever since i found out.So yes first he was ok and was willing to discuss and explain everything,then now he just gets mad every time i mention it. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 what is your purpose to telling us about this event? Are you wanting us to booo him and cheer you on? Or are you looking for actual direction on what to do about this? Here's the thing, this is a very ominous event that is indicative of a very serious and perhaps marriage-ending situation. One of a couple things taking place here. One is your husband is simply a cruel, hurtful and disgusting human being as part and parcel of his character. However if he is a normal, decent person who is not typically cruel and aggressive, that means you are pushing him and provoking him to the point he lashes back with cruelty. Either example shows equal degree of dysfunction and maladaption. If he is simply a cruel and hurtful and ugly person then there probably isn't much you can do to have a healthy and happy marriage and you should really start looking into exit strategies before his aggression turns physical. And if you are provoking this and poking the bear, then you will likely need professional guidance both as an individual to determine why you are instigating this and how to stop doing it. and you will both need MC to develop healthy communication skills and ways of getting along in a healthy manner. I think the key rests with what your level of accountability is and taking appropriate action based on that. If you are truly an innocent victim who has done nothing to incite this, then your best option is to cut losses and pack your bags and leave. But if he is just a normal guy that has been pushed to that extreme, then you need to take accountability for your own provokations and address the issue globally through both IC and MC. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 I don't understand - are you saying your currently dealing with the post discovery that he was "dual dating" you and this other woman.... unknown to you at the time? That you feel hurt and cheated now that you know - and you want to know more or find more about that time? Just confused about whats happening for you - and whats happening for the both of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author adna89 Posted December 7, 2015 Author Share Posted December 7, 2015 I don't understand - are you saying your currently dealing with the post discovery that he was "dual dating" you and this other woman.... unknown to you at the time? That you feel hurt and cheated now that you know - and you want to know more or find more about that time? Just confused about whats happening for you - and whats happening for the both of you. Yes that is what happened just this happened 6 month's ago,at first he was understanding and now he just gets mad that I still mention this,in his eyes this was never serious Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Yes that is what happened just this happened 6 month's ago,at first he was understanding and now he just gets mad that I still mention this,in his eyes this was never serious I think this explains everything. Nagging accomplishes absolutely nothing. You both sound unstable as does your relationship. Perhaps it's time to consider other options. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 This comment is but a symptom of much greater issues in your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Yes that is what happened just this happened 6 month's ago,at first he was understanding and now he just gets mad that I still mention this,in his eyes this was never serious At what stage was your dating or relationship when he was seeing this other woman? Example we had been dating a few weeks, a few months, a year, or we were engaged? Did you have some expectation at the time ( that he was dating the other woman) that you were exclusive? Finding an episode of lying/cheating while your were dating (after your married) can hurt. Understandable you might be upset, but it does depend on the details a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author adna89 Posted December 7, 2015 Author Share Posted December 7, 2015 At what stage was your dating or relationship when he was seeing this other woman? Example we had been dating a few weeks, a few months, a year, or we were engaged? Did you have some expectation at the time ( that he was dating the other woman) that you were exclusive? Finding an episode of lying/cheating while your were dating (after your married) can hurt. Understandable you might be upset, but it does depend on the details a bit. He was dating her for few month's when he met me ,I had no idea...he dated her 3 months into our relationship and I never found out until he told me in marriage.those 3 months were not so serious I gave the vibes that I am not so sure about him but I did care even though I did not act like that. FIRST he had patience and was open and explained how their relationship was never serious but every now and then I would bring it up and now he gets angry ...and this time he said she is more beautiful and he should have chosen her Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 I sure as hell wouldn't want to stay near a man who tells me to my face he loves someone else. Even less be married to one. Sucks, OP. Now you know. Talking about this trauma does good, but you know what's the best way of making sure you get over it - other than venting and therapy? Putting an end to it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Me and my husband had a fight about his past ,i saw a video from his brothers wedding and said "why didnt you take your ex (in the start he had both me and her,but claims it was not serious)....he then gets mad and says "i did not but maybe i should have she is 3 times prettier than you and i love her not you" and then started yelling at me and saying really hurtfully stuff.He is at work now and i really have no idea what to do,i feel incredibly hurt..maybe i did overreact with his past in the past but this was too much.The thing is he has explained to me a few times everything but every now and then i mention it,so now he just gets very angry when i bring the past up Divorce him. He is abusive, cruel and not husband material. Seems he's not doing too much to make you feel loved, secure or cared for and him being a total di.ckhead to you is making it worse. Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 What he said is awful. However, reading other threads, your relationship seems very, very troubled. I wonder if his terrible comments are coming from a place of deep frustration and feeling trapped. Do you think he is happy in the marriage? Are you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author adna89 Posted December 8, 2015 Author Share Posted December 8, 2015 What he said is awful. However, reading other threads, your relationship seems very, very troubled. I wonder if his terrible comments are coming from a place of deep frustration and feeling trapped. Do you think he is happy in the marriage? Are you? I do love him but my thoughts regarding this ex make me unhappy in this marriage,he says he is happy but then i never know. He becomes like a different person when angry Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 that was a truly hurtful thing for him to say. But in the context of you two fighting, it is highly possible he did not really mean what he said, he just blurted out something to hurt you. So 1st, stop egging him on...stop having those arguments. You two are together now, make the best of it, and TRY to foster love and mutualrespect Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 I do love him but my thoughts regarding this ex make me unhappy in this marriage,he says he is happy but then i never know. He becomes like a different person when angry Anger doesn't just go away, I'm afraid. Truth is, you have questions and whatever answers he's given you, you're not convinced, since you keep asking them. So from one side, you need to understand what is it that you actually try to find out or understand. What is that source of torment and insecurity. And then learn to communicate it to your husband in a non confrontational, non threatening way. Your husband needs to also work on his anger, because anger isn't really a feeling, it's a defensive reaction - meaning that there are a number of other emotions and frustration and irritation bugging him. He needs to work through his anger and understand what triggers him - and why he attacks you with those aggressive and hurtful statements. I hope I don't sound too scholastic, but try to read about non-violent communication - or compassionate communication. It's really really great and it works wonders when there's conflict. There's a book written by Marshall Rosenberg called "NonViolent communication - A Language of Life". I'm attending some meet up groups to practice it, it's triggering profound change in how I interact with those around me. Try it out, I'm sure it'll help !! Best of luck, OP ! Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 What your husband said was mean and hurtful, but based on the context, I think he said it sarcastically out of anger/ frustration. As candie said, you need to figure out what info you are looking for from him when bringing up his ex. I understand you are still hurt by what happened, but what do you think he can offer to make you feel better? If he has ready shared all the facts and you decided to marry him regardless, your feelings may be something that, at his point, you will need to work through on your own or with the help of a therapist. Its not fair to him to keep being punished for something from the past, and bringing it up all the time is not helping to build a happy relationship between the two of you. The good newd is, a good therapist can help you work through these issues as well as help identify which issues are yours and which aspects you need to discuss with your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
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