adna89 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 I want to confront my mother in law in front my husband,i am asking for advice? is that a good idea? she always smiles and is nice around me,whenever i am not with her and my husband she will talk about me .Then my hubby will tell me what she said and say change that,,,anyway he is in the middle..i told him today...if it is going to be like this tell me now,i will tell my parents and move to them.He says you are the only one for me,i support only you...yet he gets defensive every time i say anything about her...i need some support and advice from older people around here,how can i deal with this? i love my husband and he is a good man,but i do not like his mothers behavior Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Do not confront his mother. Confront is such an angry tone. Picking a fight will make things worse, not better, even if MIL deserves to be taken down a peg. Does your husband stick up for you when she says these things behind your back? He needs to tell his mother to stop. If she doesn't stop, in front of you he needs to initiate a conversation with her about why she needs to stop saying negative things about you. If your husband is unwilling to do this, you have bigger problems then a rotten MIL Link to post Share on other sites
Author adna89 Posted July 23, 2015 Author Share Posted July 23, 2015 Do not confront his mother. Confront is such an angry tone. Picking a fight will make things worse, not better, even if MIL deserves to be taken down a peg. Does your husband stick up for you when she says these things behind your back? He needs to tell his mother to stop. If she doesn't stop, in front of you he needs to initiate a conversation with her about why she needs to stop saying negative things about you. If your husband is unwilling to do this, you have bigger problems then a rotten MIL From what i know every time she complains he is protective of me,trying to find excuses ,,,but then when alone with me he will make me be the bad one ,and try to make excuses for her Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 You have to fix your 1st issue with him. I suspect he simply wants harmony & thinks it will be easier to get you to cave then taking his mother head on. Find a way to work with him as a team to overcome his mom's problem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Most MIL have their kids interest at heart. I happen to be one and know the healthy boundaries when discussing incidences. Sounds to me you have both spoken your mind about one another to the son/husband. Its time to get healthy. Invite her out to lunch and before either utter unkindness reflect on the goal, being diplomatic in one anothers presence. Hubby should not be the ref in this. My son quickly steps back when a conversation or antic involves my dil and myself. Wise of him. We both reflect on our differences and move on. There is an underlying agreement that we both want happiness in the family ... and airing out our differences can be done in a respectful way. I have an indebtedness for my dil for being her own person and creating such a warm and loving family. My son is happy , in love with her, what more could a mom ask for. You might ask her what she wants for her son...and then breath a big relief because you are no doubt being that loving wife:) She didnt marry you... her arms need to stop pointing and embrace your goodness. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Then my hubby will tell me what she said and say change that,,,anyway he is in the middle. Why does your husband pass these things on to you ??? And, assuming you're doing the right thing, why do you care? Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Most MIL have their kids interest at heart. I happen to be one and know the healthy boundaries when discussing incidences. Sounds to me you have both spoken your mind about one another to the son/husband. Its time to get healthy. Invite her out to lunch and before either utter unkindness reflect on the goal, being diplomatic in one anothers presence. Hubby should not be the ref in this. My son quickly steps back when a conversation or antic involves my dil and myself. Wise of him. We both reflect on our differences and move on. There is an underlying agreement that we both want happiness in the family ... and airing out our differences can be done in a respectful way. I have an indebtedness for my dil for being her own person and creating such a warm and loving family. My son is happy , in love with her, what more could a mom ask for. You might ask her what she wants for her son...and then breath a big relief because you are no doubt being that loving wife:) She didnt marry you... her arms need to stop pointing and embrace your goodness. Sounds like you have it figured out, and have a good relationship, as should all inlaw relationships. Regarding having a conversation with your DIL by yourself in which you iron out differences could be a challenge. How do you make that successful, without alienating your DIL? And perhaps you could suggest how adna89 could approach her MIL without confrontation and accomplish something. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 NO NO NO. Do not create drama out of it. Do not talk against her, to her, with her, about her. Just do what she does, act nice when she is around, pretend like she doesn't exist when she is not there. Tell your husband you are not interested to know what his mom is saying about you and that you and him are the only ones who have the right and obligation to have opinions about each other and about your relationship. I used to have similar problems, I still have, I know my FIL is bad mouthing me but my husband never says anything he tells him and I can't care less what his opinion is about me. I used to become defensive - offensive towards my FIL and trying to defend myself in a bad way to my husband but my mother and grandmother have advised me that nothing good comes out of confrontation. The only result will be that I fight with my husband and his father will never change opinion about me and I will have given him the satisfaction to make us argue. Be smart, do not give her the satisfaction that she created argument between you and your husband. I have sworn that I'll never fight with my husband cause of a third party and I keep this in my mind strongly. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 The first thing I would do is ask my husband to STOP replaying these conversations to me. Your MIL is NOT going to stop talking about you, but you don't have to get all the gory details. That would just make me feel terrible. Secondly, I like the idea of inviting her for coffee or lunch or something. Tell her you both love her son, you want to have a good relationship, and you just wanted to have a chance to talk about anything that might need discussing. One thing to avoid: there is a particular type of MIL who will always see her son as "her baby." Do NOT give her room to dictate how you wife. YOU are his wife. SHE is his mother. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Secondly, I like the idea of inviting her for coffee or lunch or something. Tell her you both love her son, you want to have a good relationship, and you just wanted to have a chance to talk about anything that might need discussing. I don't see this as one of my marital duties to be honest. My mother loves my husband and treats him like a real son, she is sweet and caring with him. I don't see why I should get out of my way to fix a relationship with my FIL when he obviously is the one who showed from the start he didn't care about having a good relationship with me. I know that he is sneaky and will never admit he has a problem with me and I don't want anything to do with people who are sweet in front of you and behind your bad they are trashing you. The OP's MIL has made the choice to not have a good relationship with the women her son has chosen as his lifetime partner. This says a lot about her character and why would the OP care for such a person? Link to post Share on other sites
Curdie Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 (edited) Why are you married to this sackless wonder? His mom badmouthes you and he doesn't do anything about it. What happens when you have kids? "Daddy, what's a b****?" "Johnny, where did you hear that?!?" "Grandma says mommy is a b****" Tell your husband to man up and deal with his mother. If he won't you know where his loyalty lies. Either divorce him or get him into marital counseling, because he's married to his mother. You're just someone to screw. And despite what people seem to think there are plenty of emotionally healthy men who are capable of protecting their wives from aggressive in laws. My father did it. My husband does it. Never in a million years would I put up with anything less and neither should you. Edited July 24, 2015 by Curdie 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I don't see this as one of my marital duties to be honest. My mother loves my husband and treats him like a real son, she is sweet and caring with him. I don't see why I should get out of my way to fix a relationship with my FIL when he obviously is the one who showed from the start he didn't care about having a good relationship with me. I know that he is sneaky and will never admit he has a problem with me and I don't want anything to do with people who are sweet in front of you and behind your bad they are trashing you. The OP's MIL has made the choice to not have a good relationship with the women her son has chosen as his lifetime partner. This says a lot about her character and why would the OP care for such a person? Great post. I was responding to the OP since she IS looking for some strategies. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Your wife comes first. Hence, if your mother in law is bad mouthing you your husband should say something, even if it is his mother. That way you know you can always trust him. There is always a fine line with a mother in law, they will be the future grandmother of your children. There can be favors done for you such as babysitting so even if you have an annoying mother in law you might need to accept a few things to get what you need. Other than that, your husband should be sticking up for you. Link to post Share on other sites
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