Whatitistoburn Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 My husband's (single) friend for 20 years who says he's her bestfriend but he insists that she's his oldest but not best friend does these: 1. Comes over twice a month and spend hours (until midnight) talking (LOUDLY) and drinking with hubby even when I'm not home. 2. When I was sick once, she took over the kitchen and cooked for hubby. 3. She brought an R rated film for us to watch. During sex scenes, I just couldn't help but feel awkward while the two of them sitting side by side just watched intently. 4. Just invited my hubby for a movie with tons of sex again! I'm not sure if I'm invited too but hubby asked me. 5. She visits his parents regularly and was there with hubby for his dad's bday while I wasn't because I'm away. 6. She calls him in the middle of the night to ask for help with her laptop problems etc. I've talked to my husband about how I feel about her. It's not that I don't like her. Im okay with her. We went shopping together once and all's good. Yes I could be a bit jealous because I don't know him for as long as she does but it's more of me feeling awkward with the above situations ESP the movies. She's also the total opposite of me in every way - physically and personality-wise. So my question is what do you think of the above situations? Do you think it's normal or am I overreacting? Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 They certainly aren't ideal because her presence is upsetting you but come on. She cooked when you were sick; it was an R rated movie not a porno; his friends can still be friendly with whomever you are his wife and he's doing these things openly not behind your back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whatitistoburn Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 (edited) Thank you for your reply. Well, I agree actually, he did not tell me she visits his family regularly or that she went shopping with him to pick his dad's present or that she was with him on his dad's birthday. I found out because I sneaked and look on his mobile (which I admit wasn't a good thing to do) Re the movie, I'm very conservative and they both know it. I was raised this way. A Christian with conservative values including no sex before marriage! I just felt weird watching with them because they were looking so serious and when I said sorry I couldn't watch, she laughed at me! Lol But no intention on my part to stop him from seeing her or to ask him to not be friends with her anymore. I'm okay with them being friends. I just wish she's a bit more considerate about things because he's married now. Edited July 9, 2015 by Whatitistoburn 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I just wish she's a bit more considerate about things because he's married now. How would that consideration be expressed? In other words, what "rules" do you want in place ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 You never said how your husband responded when you told him how you felt... That is very important. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whatitistoburn Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 (edited) Re Mr Lucky, maybe by not staying so late at night to chat and drink. 10pm is fine but past midnight? Even my husband kept apologizing to me telling me she just won't stop talking and that He was sleepy but she didn't seem to notice. Also calling in the middle of the night because she can't log in to facebook waking us up? I mean can't that wait until morning? When I told him, he agreed with me that watching those movies with your close girl friend and wife was weird but said he can't tell her. I understand that she's like family but We currently have an issue of my husband spending half of the month in another country and the other half with me because he's homesick. I guess this bestfriend issue is bothering me now because I can't be there with my husband when he's back home (in another country with his parents) but she can and his parents seem to love her. I'm posting this here because I know there's nothing I can do. I respect their friendship and I'm not getting in the way but there's no one to tell about how I feel. My husband knows how I feel but to a certain extent. Edited July 9, 2015 by Whatitistoburn Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 It would be best to explain your feelings to your husband. Hopefully he will be considerate of how this makes you feel. He needs a firm boundary. One that makes it clear to her what is unacceptable behavior. If you think 10pm is adequate then he can explain that 10pm is the cut off time. And the night time phone calls? That's plain rude - but he allows it by answering his phone! He's to blame too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 You never said how your husband responded when you told him how you felt... That is very important. This. That being said, this is your H's best friend. For 20 years. Twenty years. Sit with that. When they first became friends Bill was President. Friends was new. The Internet was just taking flight. 20 years is a long time. A really freaking long time. Don't you think that in those 20 years if there was some attraction between the two of them they would have done it? Like humped like rabbits? Wild monkey sex after one too many... But they didn't. And they were both much better looking 20 years ago. With far less to lose. But they didn't. And that counts for something. A 20 year friend is a precious thing indeed. Depriving your H of this friend is almost criminal. I suggest you embrace this friend and make her your friend. Best of luck! Mrin Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whatitistoburn Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 Thank you for your responses. Mrin, no I would never think something could or would happen to them. Never did I feel that at some point they'd "hump" each other. and NO, as I've said there's no intention to stop the friendship. I'm Ok with them being friends as I've said before. I told him staying up past midnight was too much ESP while I was upstairs (but could still hear her laughing) sick and trying to rest. I told him about the movies and he agreed. He applogized. I'm here only to get other people's POV about this behavior of a bestfriend. My bestfriend, my sister's or brother's bestfriend don't do this. I'm not here to ask how I could get rid of her or how to ruin their friendship or how to get over jealousy because I'm not jealous of her. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 (edited) When I told him, he agreed with me that watching those movies with your close girl friend and wife was weird but said he can't tell her. ..... We currently have an issue of my husband spending half of the month in another country and the other half with me because he's homesick. I guess this bestfriend issue is bothering me now because I can't be there with my husband when he's back home (in another country with his parents) but she can and his parents seem to love her. Personally, I think you're right to be concerned. How long has he been spending half his time with you and half out of the country with his parents (accompanied by this friend)? How long have you been married? Your hubby has poor boundaries. Alcohol at midnight with another women is a recipe for "mistakes," if no one else is around. No surprise that she's then calling him in the middle of the night to talk. They're off buying gifts and doing things together, and he isn't being upfront or forthcoming? That's concerning! If he volunteered when they did things together, I would be less concerned. But you have to check up on him to find out what's really going on. People who have no need to hide and are doing nothing that might cause concern are typically transparent. Those who aren't commonly omit, conveniently forget , and are fiercely protective of their privacy. Right now, he's just omitting. The debate about whether she's his best friend or not is also an issue. His primary relationship should be with you, his spouse. Since you're Christian, I'll reference Matthew 19:5 and Ephesians 5:31. There should be no debate about his primary female friendship. What is causing her (and maybe others?) to see his relationship with this single woman as his primary friendship? Does he confide in you? Her? How much time does he spend alone with just you, building your relationship and marriage? For perspective, I've had the same best friend for twenty years. Before she married, we spent almost all our free time together. We travelled all over together. Even when we lived on different continents at one point, we spent countless hours just chatting on the phone and flew frequently to see each other, hang out, and take road trips together. That all changed once she met her now husband and they got more serious. It's totally irrelevant that I knew her a lot longer. He's very clearly her primary relationship and her priority. Gone are the random calls in the middle of the night from either of us because that would disturb him. That's simple consideration and respect for their marriage. I would encourage the two of you to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Does your husband share your faith? Do you attend a particular church? If so, seek guidance from the pastoral staff both alone and together. They are there to help. You should also consider taking a Marriage Builders workshop together. This is how many affairs start. Don't go there, assuming it hasn't already. Your husband needs to do a better job with his boundaries. The fact that he's only with you half the time, but she's with him seemingly all the time, even when he's out of the country to see his parents, makes having clear boundaries all the more imperative. And please don't discount your intuition. It's generally right. Edited July 9, 2015 by angel.eyes 3 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Personally, I think you're right to be concerned. How long has he been spending half his time with you and half out of the country with his parents (accompanied by this friend)? How long have you been married? Your hubby has poor boundaries. Alcohol at midnight with another women is a recipe for "mistakes," if no one else is around. No surprise that she's then calling him in the middle of the night to talk. They're off buying gifts and doing things together, and he isn't being upfront or forthcoming? That's concerning! If he volunteered when they did things together, I would be less concerned. But you have to check up on him to find out what's really going on. People who have no need to hide and are doing nothing that might cause concern are typically transparent. Those who aren't commonly omit, conveniently forget , and are fiercely protective of their privacy. Right now, he's just omitting. The debate about whether she's his best friend or not is also an issue. His primary relationship should be with you, his spouse. Since you're Christian, I'll reference Matthew 19:5 and Ephesians 5:31. There should be no debate about his primary female friendship. What is causing her (and maybe others?) to see his relationship with this single woman as his primary friendship? Does he confide in you? Her? How much time does he spend alone with just you, building your relationship and marriage? For perspective, I've had the same best friend for twenty years. Before she married, we spent almost all our free time together. We travelled all over together. Even when we lived on different continents at one point, we spent countless hours just chatting on the phone and flew frequently to see each other, hang out, and take road trips together. That all changed once she met her now husband and they got more serious. It's totally irrelevant that I knew her a lot longer. He's very clearly her primary relationship and her priority. Gone are the random calls in the middle of the night from either of us because that would disturb him. That's simple consideration and respect for their marriage. I would encourage the two of you to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Does your husband share your faith? Do you attend a particular church? If so, seek guidance from the pastoral staff both alone and together. They are there to help. You should also consider taking a Marriage Builders workshop together. This is how many affairs start. Don't go there, assuming it hasn't already. Your husband needs to do a better job with his boundaries. The fact that he's only with you half the time, but she's with him seemingly all the time, even when he's out of the country to see his parents, makes having clear boundaries all the more imperative. And please don't discount your intuition. It's generally right. Angel, Very good post and a lot of good info. OP, you should be all over this. The situation you have is NOT good. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 (edited) Re the movie, I'm very conservative and they both know it. I was raised this way. A Christian with conservative values including no sex before marriage! I just felt weird watching with them because they were looking so serious and when I said sorry I couldn't watch, she laughed at me! Lol Oh boy. Well maybe next time she can bring a Disney movie. Don't be surprised when both of them blow their brains out while watching. In all fairness to these two, they have a 20 year friendship that isn't based on bible study and watching Billy Graham. To try to make them change the scope of their friendship based on your religious beliefs sucks, to be blunt. Edited July 9, 2015 by Lois_Griffin Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I understand that she's like family but We currently have an issue of my husband spending half of the month in another country and the other half with me because he's homesick. I guess this bestfriend issue is bothering me now because I can't be there with my husband when he's back home (in another country with his parents) but she can and his parents seem to love her. ^^^ this ^^^ Is a big issue for you. Also, the fact your sex life is poor, due to his lack of interest - big red flag. When you brought up the lack of sex issue - he told you the last time he was watching porn was as a 16 yo, - NOW he is sitting there openly watching it with her. How do you think they really behave when you are not there - when he is in his home country and she is there 24/7 available... turned on by watching porn and infrequent sex with you... Hmmm... Men and women can be just friends I have no doubt of that, BUT I am sorry I do not think this is the case here. Is she the woman mentioned in the letters you found when tidying? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Your husband's whimpy attitude is part of the problem. Explain to him that he can draw clearer boundaries politely without losing her friendship. At 10 pm a big yawn on his part accompanied by the announcement that he has to get up early should have given her the hint. If he was uncomfortable as he said with the movie, he should specify PG-13 or less (unless you are OK with R for violence) Since you are a Christian can you talk to your spiritual advisor for suggestions on how your husband can set better boundaries with this friend without destroying the friendship? I'm envisioning a conversation focused for your husband on his family of origin. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Your item about her cooking for hubby when you were sick caught my eye. Here is why: We made a single female friend years and years ago, and she always wanted to be "helpful." When I got pregnant with my second, she began "helping" when I was sick. She was always around. I even began to make comments about my then H and I needing alone time before the baby came....she just ignored it. THEN she began correcting the way I folded things and arranged things and cooked, saying "H likes it THIS way".... Yeah, she had designs on my husband, and everyone else could see it too. He didn't because well, he's not all that interested in women anyway. But when someone facetiously asked me which one of us was actually his wife these days, I had had enough. After we moved, she moved on to another couple and broke up their marriage. So yeah, 20 year friendships are nice. She's a single female. His boundaries and hers are crap. The end, Disney or no Disney. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SSJROMANCE Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 This is NOT normal. Have him put himself in your shoes. What if you had a best buddy male friend who you stayed out late with watched sex movies all these things that he is doing. I suspect he might get it. This is how affairs start. And the excuse is always going to be "but I didn't know it would end like this". Spare yourself the pain and agony. Talk to others who have been on the losing side of this. It's not going to end good for you. If they aren't already sleeping with each other demand that she move on. Male/female friendships in a marriage situation DOES NOT WORK. And you shouldn't have to spend the rest of your life checking on him. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 In all fairness to these two, they have a 20 year friendship that isn't based on bible study and watching Billy Graham. To try to make them change the scope of their friendship based on your religious beliefs sucks, to be blunt. You have it backwards. The other woman is way out of line forcing her values on the wife. In the OP's own home with her own husband, the OP has a right to have her religious beliefs be respected and not laughed at by the other woman. For the record, marriage trumps 20 year friendship, it should not even be close. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 When I told him, he agreed with me that watching those movies with your close girl friend and wife was weird but said he can't tell her. Tell him that if he will not tell her that you would, and that she better not laugh about your feelings on this again, because she needs to respect that it is you home and your husband. She visits his parents regularly and was there with hubby for his dad's bday while I wasn't because I'm away. I understand that she's like family but We currently have an issue of my husband spending half of the month in another country and the other half with me because he's homesick. I guess this bestfriend issue is bothering me now because I can't be there with my husband when he's back home (in another country with his parents) but she can and his parents seem to love her. What a minute. Your husband regularly visits his parents in another country with her and not you? His parents love her? Are you kidding me? This is wrong on so many levels. No wonder you are not comfortable with this. Add in the lack of sex in your relationship and you really do not have the makings of a healthy marriage. Your husband needs to understand that with marriage you are suppose to be the primary relationship in his life and not be asked to play second fiddle to this other woman. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 My view is that she is overstepping the mark . Your H is now married and she should respect that. I'm suprised she wouldn't realise this. Let's flip it round here. If you had a male friend that did what she did would your H find it acceptable? I know my H wouldn't and I'd find a way to tell my friend about it. Going into the kitchen to cook would have really pissed me off big time. My sisters or my mom are the only people who would just go in my kitchen and cook. I mean can't your H get his own dinner if you're ill? I would not expect my H to have a friend round if I was ill in the first place. I know if my H was ill and a friend wanted to visit , I'd say it wasn't convenient as H isn't too well. I'm not sure any wife would be happy with this and while you say she's a nice person, it is not unheard of for a spouse to have been close friends with someone and end up having an affair with them. All while the friend visits their home and being friendly with the spouse. Your H needs speak to her, but rather than say 'W isn't happy with you staying late, phoning at night etc', he needs to say 'he doesn't think it's right, now that he's married and that if you (his wife ) had a male friend and he did some of those things, that he wouldn't be so comfortable with it ' He shouldn't make it seem like you're controlling or that you dislike her in any way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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