SaveYourHeart Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 (edited) Hello all, I'm new here and was hoping to get some advice: I started dating my husband 3 years ago (I was an entirely different person) after getting out of an abusive 'relationship' (was never exclusive) with a meth head that I thought I could 'save'. Since we weren't exclusive, I had been sharing my heart with a man from Canada who seemed to be completely smitten with me. We talked for almost a year before his band visited town again in September of 2012. I started dating my now husband in August of 2012. I kept my word and saw the band, I even took all the guys cupcakes for the road. Nothing happened, I didn't cheat, but my emotions were very confused. I traveled 5 hrs to see the band one more time and try to figure out where my heart wanted to be. During the second trip, nothing happened, I didn't cheat, but I also didn't tell my now husband where I was going. While I was there, I decided that the only place my heart wanted to be was home with my now husband. He figured it out before I even got back, exactly where I had been. He confronted me and we worked through it (or so I thought). A year later he proposed to me and everything has been great. A year and change after he proposed, we got married. Everything was great. Now we've been married for a few months. He has made it perfectly clear that he doesn't trust me like I thought he did. He gives me some b.s. number like "I trust you 92.1%". All of this was stemming from that incident almost 3 years ago, where I chose HIM. Recently, he's been assuming that I'm cheating because I've been helping a homeless girl, helping a friend who was having a hard time in her relationship, working horses at the barn, and not being home all the time. I don't like sitting on the couch on my off days, I like to get things done and enjoy myself a bit with things I can't do on work days. I've always been like that, but because we got married, our bank account has been hurting, so I've been trying to find inexpensive things to do to occupy my time, apparently that makes me a cheater. Now he's going through my phone (no big deal, nothing to hide, but would be nice if he asked) and my facebook. He has basically told me that he'll never trust me 100%. Granted, he had a decent enough reason to be weary of me three years ago, but I've devoted my heart to him, I trust him with every ounce of my being, I respect him and would never do anything to intentionally hurt him, especially cheat on him! I have worked very hard to regain his trust and thought that I had his trust when he proposed/married/committed to spending his life with me. I was wrong, and now I'm not sure I want to continue to build my world around someone who will never fully trust me. I have talked with him about his trust issues numerous times, expressed how uncomfortable I am without him making the effort to trust me when I have made the effort to change and adapt. He gives me everything else in the world, except for the thing I think is the foundation for any relationship, trust. Do you think marriage can survive without trust? What should I do? Edited March 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Why the bleep did he marry you? I'm not saying you did wrong but really if he didn't trust you 100% and still doesn't what was he thinking when he proposed? I would look into marriage counseling but if that doesn't work, I might consider an annulment because he was not truthful or genuine with you when you walked down the aisle. You visited somebody while you two were dating. He perverted your marital vow, which is a much bigger sin IMO. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaveYourHeart Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 That's how I feel, I was under the impression that we were giving equal parts to our marriage and our relationship, it broke my heart when he told me that he didn't trust me. I can't imagine life without him, but I just want him to be happy, if living without the constant worry of me cheating on him would make him happy, I would appreciate knowing that so that I can start over. Link to post Share on other sites
Thegameoflife Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 He trusts you on the criteria of your past actions. There is nothing you can do to change the fact that you flew very close to the sun;You burned your wings. How can you expect him to think that you would never stray, when you have? Your marriage can survive. All you can do is stay out of situations, and be transparent in your day to day life. I would stay away from going behind his back about the situation online; asking if you should just give up on fixing things, just because you can't erase the mistake from his mind immediately. He has just cause to not trust you, this is a demonstration of a cause. Own your mistake, avoid future ones, and push on. If he lost all trust and didn't think you were worth it, he wouldn't have signed papers committing, or would be handing you different papers. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 The simple answer is no. Trust is one of the pillars in any happy and healthy relationship. If you really want to make this marriage work you will need couple's counselling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Vercetti Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 You know, I'm wondering more what he is on about with the trust issue. We are never perfect and far from that when just getting to know someone. I can be demanding and while what you did could make me feel a tad diminished, it wouldn't cause these type of trust issues. Perhaps he is projecting and keeping you on the backfoot. That's just what comes to mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Sorry, but in your husbands mind you actually did cheat already . He caught you in a lie seeing another man. Whether you had sex or not is not the issue . I agree maybe he should have worked through it more in his head but you thought it was over and he obviously still had it on his mind. You should go to MC at this point if you can afford it. In the meantime you can do your activities but you should talk to him and if genie uncomfortable with any situation you are involved in there should be communication, not a statement that " He just doesn't trust me". You are posting so we have no clue what his perspective of your actions are. But if you are not doing these activities without telling him EVeRYTHINg about who you are doing it with that is why he is saying what he is saying. And if any of these outside activities in love men he does not know you need to seriously think about stopping. I am NOT accusing you of doing anything wrong . Just remember 99% of men and women who actually do cheat probably would make the statement "I would never cheat on my spouse" Talk to your husband about your concerns and get to some counseling Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 (edited) Can a marriage survive without trust? Well mine has for 10 years. I trust more (gone from 0% to 95%) but heck 90% or above is pretty damn good - because we are all human beings, and because some of us frankly have weaknesses and have made major mistakes. I have never cheated in my life, yet my wife also sometimes worries about ME cheating and has occasional trust issues, but she did cheat - so its natural I would justifiably have more than her. When the going gets tough in our lives - is when our internal weakness show up. I know what mine are - they are a part of me and I work on them. My wife took a long time to accept hers, but says hers are "gone now"... but she never did the work. In my reading of your post, you spend time explaining the reasons for your lieing and running off in secrete (abusive marriage), and then most of the post saying he has no right to withhold a little trust since he made the decision and married you. But then again - you married him knowing who HE is and what his needs are as well. I do recommend Marriage Counseling. P.S. relative analogy...I have a couple of kids, young to older. I love em, think they are decent kids, but I keep an eye on them and check up now and then. I reserve some trust.... Cause I know their weaknesses (they have had episodes in their lives} and they are just as human as I am - and their mom is. If I did not love them - I would not care to keep and eye out to keep them on track. Edited April 4, 2015 by dichotomy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 (edited) GF now Wife cheated on me when we were dating. Forgave her, but always kept my eyes open. After 40 plus years, I am reasonably sure she has been faithful. In your case, you lied, about seeing anther man and it was a not a just little meeting in any case. If I was him, I would wonder as well what really happened. The fact he married you, shows his love is strong for you. Look, you need some trust, but no one should give all their trust. Everyone is human, and errors are made. BTW, you should also keep your eyes open as well, if he seems out of line call him on it. This keeps both you good. Edited May 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 You have to be able to trust your partner or have an open agreement in place. He knew about this, continued to date you, and then proposed and married you. It's not fair for him to say, "I forgive you and trust you" and then after saying vows backpedal and say, "Oops, no I don't and never will." What he is doing is a form of betrayal, difference being he had a choice before vows were said. Link to post Share on other sites
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