Sex life almost non-existent ...

[ChickenFlower]

My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and over the last few years our sex life has become almost non-existent. I love him with all my heart, he is a wonderful husband and we really do have a wonderful relationship and have fun together, but I am a very sexual person. I am tired of being the only one to initiate, and even then I am turned away most times. We’ve talked about it until now he’s just irritated when I bring it up (“will you give it a rest with that sh**?!” was the latest response I got). He’s been to the dr. for a physical and had his testosterone levels checked, and he is healthy and testosterone is solidly in normal range. I’ve tried to let him know what I’m feeling in every way possible: being playful and silly, being serious and sad, and everything in between. While he listens and acknowledges how I feel, nothing changes. He tells me that he just doesn’t have any drive. On the rare occasions we do actually have sex, its very “routine” and over quickly even when I try to “spice things up”.

I am getting desperate and know myself well enough to know that its not going to take a whole lot of interest from another man to send me into to the cheating realm, and I don’t want that, but I’m finding that I’m thinking about sex ALL. THE. TIME. and its making me a little nuts.

Anyone have any advice for me? Is there anything I can do or do I just need to resign myself to the way things are? Thank you.

[Sassy Girl]

In a similar boat here. It seems you ha e 3 choices

 

1. Do nothing. Keep doing what you're doing ..put his needs above your own... Build resentment...

 

2. Cheat

 

3. Divorce - this may pull his head out and effect change. But only do this if you can't take the marriage the way it is. It's not a manipulation tool. You need to be done.

 

I'm in the same boat. Im attractive, sexual, and on my mid 30s. I have run out of patience, words and tears. I am in an affair. I choose this instead of divorce for my kids. By my husbands own admission, he's a great dad but a "$hitty husband" and has no intention of doin anything about it.

 

I asked my husband for an open relationship to have my needs met by someone else if he wasn't willing. He said no.

 

I told him I was tempted to find someone else... He laughed at me and said "good luck with that". Spoke volumes to his commitment to me. At least I know where I stand.

 

Perhaps be open with your husband about what you're feling... tell him what you told us. At least you'll know where you stand.

[bathtub-row]

It sounds like your husband is 'friend' material, not marriage material. It's a matter of what you decide is more important -- staying stuck in a lifeless marriage, or finding a man that you connect with on all levels.

 

Personally, I'd walk away from this, especially after he made the comment about giving it a rest. I'd let an attorney 'give it a rest' once and for all....as in R.I.P.

[Sub]

Don't cheat. Suggest counseling. If he gives you a similar "give it a rest" response, then tell him you're leaving him. I'm conflicted about how a great, understanding husband could respond to you like that.

[A1135]

I could have written your post. In exactly the same boat, tempted to try an affair but know I couldn't live with myself, but getting to the point that I also cant live without sex. I adore my wife and dont want my son to grow up in a split family. But iam sick of being rejected and made to feel like there is something wrong with me for wanting my wife. Its hard when every option is ****ty.

[dichotomy]

This is a complex and often difficult situation to resolve in a marriage. I have "fought" on this issue with my wife for a long time. Some time with a marriage sex therapist helped, recently my wife had a modest up tick in her sexual passion that has been welcome if still far below what I need. But since there was a modest change, I remain hopeful. I have my theories why her interest dropped and they are complex and not a simple one thing.

 

One question .....Did you see his medical test reports - or did he just say "Dr. said I am fine!" A man or woman willing to take hormone tests does show a certain level of awareness commitment to trying to resolve this - if they did actually do it.

 

The first advice I could give you is to

 

1) Eliminate the chances of an affair, escorts, or dependance on porn, or even resentment as the reason. I recommend spying - computer logger software, checking phone and bank records, and a VAR in his car/

 

2) Look at his health - physical and mental. Has there been a change? weight gain, stress at work, family?

 

3) Make your self more scarce and interesting. That is if possible (depending on your family obligations) - get to the gym more, get out and social a bit without him, and so on. This disengages the focus from him and sex, to you being a more dynamic happy and social and powerful you.

Edited October 18, 2014 by dichotomy

[dclan]

My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and over the last few years our sex life has become almost non-existent. I love him with all my heart, he is a wonderful husband and we really do have a wonderful relationship and have fun together, but I am a very sexual person. I am tired of being the only one to initiate, and even then I am turned away most times. We’ve talked about it until now he’s just irritated when I bring it up (“will you give it a rest with that sh**?!” was the latest response I got). He’s been to the dr. for a physical and had his testosterone levels checked, and he is healthy and testosterone is solidly in normal range. I’ve tried to let him know what I’m feeling in every way possible: being playful and silly, being serious and sad, and everything in between. While he listens and acknowledges how I feel, nothing changes. He tells me that he just doesn’t have any drive. On the rare occasions we do actually have sex, its very “routine” and over quickly even when I try to “spice things up”.

I am getting desperate and know myself well enough to know that its not going to take a whole lot of interest from another man to send me into to the cheating realm, and I don’t want that, but I’m finding that I’m thinking about sex ALL. THE. TIME. and its making me a little nuts.

Anyone have any advice for me? Is there anything I can do or do I just need to resign myself to the way things are? Thank you.

 

How old are you and your husband?

 

Problems like this are usually a combination of things, mostly stress from all the daily routines in a usual day.

 

When you say...."spice it up"...how far do you go with that? I'm not asking for you to give us details, but trying some "fun" stuff might not be enough, you should try to go for something completly hot and erotic.

[oldshirt]

Let's start with a few basics.

 

- what are your ages and how long have you been together? Any kids?

 

- I agree with Dichotomy, did you see results of an exam or is this just what he has told you?

 

- how often are you wanting to have sex? Are you wanting it once a month, once a week, once a day, 3 times a day???? In other words how much are you asking him to do? If he's blowing you off and rejecting you when you are only asking for once a month is a whole lot different than if you are needing it multiple times a day.

 

Now let's dig a little and see what's may be affecting the bedroom. Generally speaking there are only a few things that will cause a man to not be into it -

 

- a medical/psychological condition such as low T, depression, anxiety, hypertension, diabetes, drug or alcohol abuse etc etc

 

- getting it somewhere else ie affairs, porn, escorts, gay etc.

 

- relationship issues, ie hurtful fights, abandonment, heavy criticism etc

 

- changes in you, ie serious weight gain, lack of hygiene, bad breath, drug, alcohol abuse etc.

 

Do any of those things apply?

 

Have you done any serious investigation looking into if he's getting his tank drained through other means such as an affair(s) or porn or something? Just asking him doesn't count, he'll just say no and then cover his tracks better. Have you actually looked through his phone, computers etc?

 

Has anything happened over the last few years such as serious weight gain, real bad fights, a lot of criticism etc?

[curiousGeorge2]

Agree with oldshirt's list of possible reasons. On top of that he could be just a selfish jerk who could not have cared less about how you feel.

[BetrayedH]

I would definitely look at Oldshirt's list.

 

At the same time, I've seen few of these situations resolve themselves without serious measures being taken.

 

If you don't get some measure of success from some of oldshirt's reasonable suggestions, it's time for more drastic measures. He has to know that this is serious enough that you're considering divorce (please put the affair option out of your mind). I would be researching sex therapists. Find one and tell him you want regular sessions to be scheduled. If he balks at that, I honestly suggest he have the choice of you making that appointment or making one with a family law attorney.

[ChickenFlower]

Wow guys thank you all for the replies! Ok here's a few more details ...

 

I am 42 and he is 48. This is 2nd marriage for both of us (both of our divorces were due to cheating spouses). We have 3 kids, but they are all grown with only one left at home (who just finished college and should be getting out into the real world very soon! ).

 

When the results from the dr office, I opened the mail, so for sure its not a physical issue.

 

Yes, I have put on a little weight in the last few years, but nothing that I would THINK would "turn him off" ... I'm 5'2"/115 lbs. Could stand to lose a little but I'm not anywhere close to being fat. He's put on some weight as well, and I do know that he feels kinda crappy about that, but I am and always have been VERY vocal about how sexy I think he is. He's put on weight because I feed him well! I have considered that that could be an underlying issue for him though....

 

I am not wanting sex on a daily basis (not that I would mind that!) ... really once or twice a week would be fantastic. We're going on 3 months right now since the last time, and then it was so perfunctory and quick that I don't even think it counts.

 

As for "spicing things up" ... I have bought sexy lingerie outfits, toys, porn, tried different ways of getting him aroused, even have suggested strongly bringing another woman in ... when I've gone "all out" with the outfits and toys etc. he does respond and the sex will be good, but really I don't want to have to go into full production mode every time I want some intimacy!

 

I don't think he's got any extracurricular activities going on ... I suppose its not impossible, but I think unlikely. At this point I would probably be ecstatic that he was at least interested in sex somewhere.

 

We have no serious relationship issues ... we have our normal ups and downs of course (and he is a very passive aggressive fighter - but that's a whole other thread!). We have happy, healthy, well balanced kids, and are financially comfortable. I honestly DO think our marriage is amazing except for this one "little" thing. Which is why I'm in such turmoil.

 

We had company this weekend, so timing wasn't good to try and bring this up.... I'm thinking that this coming weekend I'm going to get us away and put it all out there and lay out some options. We've been to counseling in the past (as a blended family we did family therapy before getting married) so I think he would be open to that ... I can't fathom getting divorced over this, but at the same time if I end up in some kind of affair then I would imagine divorce would be eminent as I'm not good at keeping things from him.

 

Thank you again for all of your comments/suggestions. Please do let me know if you think this plan of action is good or if you have any other ideas for me! (and sorry this ended up being so long!)

[SawtoothMars]

Wow guys thank you all for the replies! Ok here's a few more details ...

 

I am 42 and he is 48. This is 2nd marriage for both of us (both of our divorces were due to cheating spouses). We have 3 kids, but they are all grown with only one left at home (who just finished college and should be getting out into the real world very soon! ).

 

My first thought is along the same lines as Oldshirt... Porn?

[BetrayedH]

Wow guys thank you all for the replies! Ok here's a few more details ...

 

I am 42 and he is 48. This is 2nd marriage for both of us (both of our divorces were due to cheating spouses). We have 3 kids, but they are all grown with only one left at home (who just finished college and should be getting out into the real world very soon! ).

 

When the results from the dr office, I opened the mail, so for sure its not a physical issue.

 

Yes, I have put on a little weight in the last few years, but nothing that I would THINK would "turn him off" ... I'm 5'2"/115 lbs. Could stand to lose a little but I'm not anywhere close to being fat. He's put on some weight as well, and I do know that he feels kinda crappy about that, but I am and always have been VERY vocal about how sexy I think he is. He's put on weight because I feed him well! I have considered that that could be an underlying issue for him though....

 

I am not wanting sex on a daily basis (not that I would mind that!) ... really once or twice a week would be fantastic. We're going on 3 months right now since the last time, and then it was so perfunctory and quick that I don't even think it counts.

 

As for "spicing things up" ... I have bought sexy lingerie outfits, toys, porn, tried different ways of getting him aroused, even have suggested strongly bringing another woman in ... when I've gone "all out" with the outfits and toys etc. he does respond and the sex will be good, but really I don't want to have to go into full production mode every time I want some intimacy!

 

I don't think he's got any extracurricular activities going on ... I suppose its not impossible, but I think unlikely. At this point I would probably be ecstatic that he was at least interested in sex somewhere.

 

We have no serious relationship issues ... we have our normal ups and downs of course (and he is a very passive aggressive fighter - but that's a whole other thread!). We have happy, healthy, well balanced kids, and are financially comfortable. I honestly DO think our marriage is amazing except for this one "little" thing. Which is why I'm in such turmoil.

 

We had company this weekend, so timing wasn't good to try and bring this up.... I'm thinking that this coming weekend I'm going to get us away and put it all out there and lay out some options. We've been to counseling in the past (as a blended family we did family therapy before getting married) so I think he would be open to that ... I can't fathom getting divorced over this, but at the same time if I end up in some kind of affair then I would imagine divorce would be eminent as I'm not good at keeping things from him.

 

Thank you again for all of your comments/suggestions. Please do let me know if you think this plan of action is good or if you have any other ideas for me! (and sorry this ended up being so long!)

 

I think this is all good. The problem is that he's just plain dismissive of the fact that he's unilaterally relegated you to a marriage without sex. Find that time to sit down and discuss things in private and directly. Be very clear that you are getting resentful about this and that if it stays this way, you're going to end up divorced (and that you're not kidding). Again, I would look into sex therapists and if he balks, make it clear that it's either this appointment (combined with an actual effort on his part) or the other one.

 

I get the impression that you don't want to play hardball with him. I get that. Who wants to do that with your spouse, right? The problem is that he's effectively told you to go eff yourself. It's now your choice to either do just that (accept a sexless marriage) or to make it clear that his unilateral choice to have a sexless marriage is going to result in another failed marriage, so you're suggesting a different route.

[ChickenFlower]

I think this is all good. The problem is that he's just plain dismissive of the fact that he's unilaterally relegated you to a marriage without sex. Find that time to sit down and discuss things in private and directly. Be very clear that you are getting resentful about this and that if it stays this way, you're going to end up divorced (and that you're not kidding). Again, I would look into sex therapists and if he balks, make it clear that it's either this appointment (combined with an actual effort on his part) or the other one.

 

I get the impression that you don't want to play hardball with him. I get that. Who wants to do that with your spouse, right? The problem is that he's effectively told you to go eff yourself. It's now your choice to either do just that (accept a sexless marriage) or to make it clear that his unilateral choice to have a sexless marriage is going to result in another failed marriage, so you're suggesting a different route.

 

I can definitely agree that I am trying to avoid the "hardball" talk. I do wish/want him to just realize that I need more and WANT to give me more. Or at least want to want to if that makes sense. Obviously that's not happening so I have to do something, I just don't like rocking the boat. The resentment is definitely building and I do know that I want to address it before it becomes a big blow out, or before I do something stupid.

 

On a funny note, to the "he's effectively telling you to go eff yourself" ... that's all I've BEEN doing - effing myself.

[The Like Fairy]

I feel pretty sure that the way your husband is speaking to you and treating you is indicative of much deeper problems here besides his low sex drive.

 

I don't care for his attitude toward you at all.

 

And his comment 'LOL Good luck with that' regarding him possibly driving you to reach out for sex outside the marriage - that is very telling of his bizarre (and crappy) attitude.

 

Truth is, you could easily find an affair partner, and he knows it. Not that you should. But his reply is just crap.

 

He sounds emotionally abusive to me.

 

You may need couples counseling to really sort this out, if it is sortable.

 

You sound like a fun lady. I feel bad you are with this bozo. Hope he shapes up or you ship out. You dont deserve this crap. Good luck.

[oldshirt]

A healthy 48 year old man having no interest in a willing partner that isn't obese for three months is about as natural as having a porcupine for a teddy bear. Something serious is taking place here. It's either -

 

- an affair(s)

 

- porn/masturbation addiction.

 

- a deep seated serious resentment issue towards you.

 

- he is an asexual dud//damaged 'nice guy' beta boy/gay.

 

Do you know anything about his previous wife and marriage? Did she go a full year without any lovins before she finally broke down and strayed???

 

 

I agree with Betrayed, the gloves have to come off and time to get serious.

 

Three months is indicative of a serious issue, not just some guy that needs a little fire lit under his ass now and then.

 

You are likely going to have play hardball and not take any sht or blow offs about this. There is a serious issue taking place and you may have to blow some things up to get his attention and get him to take you seriousl

[ChickenFlower]

A healthy 48 year old man having no interest in a willing partner that isn't obese for three months is about as natural as having a porcupine for a teddy bear. Something serious is taking place here. It's either -l

 

 

That's what I was afraid of.... I have talked to a couple of my girlfriends who have been married for a number of years and they don't think its normal that he doesn't want sex, but I honestly wasn't sure... hence reaching out in a public forum.

 

Hopefully its not some deep seated resentment towards me, but if so I guess we better figure that out. I do know the ex-wife (we're on friendly terms) and without knowing ALL the details of course, I do think it was just on her end and didn't have much to do with their sex life. Our sex life has been/was awesome up until about 3-4 years ago and its just been a steady decline. Not sure what happened then...

 

But I do appreciate all the comments/suggestions ... this is exactly what I was looking for... affirmation of some of what I know, and also some different perspectives. Hopefully we can get to the root of the problem and I will get some more intimacy in my life.

[BetrayedH]

I can definitely agree that I am trying to avoid the "hardball" talk. I do wish/want him to just realize that I need more and WANT to give me more. Or at least want to want to if that makes sense. Obviously that's not happening so I have to do something, I just don't like rocking the boat. The resentment is definitely building and I do know that I want to address it before it becomes a big blow out, or before I do something stupid.

 

On a funny note, to the "he's effectively telling you to go eff yourself" ... that's all I've BEEN doing - effing myself.

 

He obviously senses your hesitation to engage in conflict. He's taken advantage of that by dismissing your perfectly reasonable desire for intimacy with your husband by just telling you to knock that sh*t off. Even when you start to push the issue by suggesting that you're vulnerable to an affair, he calls your bluff. I know you don't want to play hardball but your H has already brought his hardball game and thus, he's winning.

 

I know you'd like for him to want to solve this but that approach obviously ain't working for you when you're just getting sex to placate you once a quarter. It's natural to want to avoid conflict (nobody wants to be the bitch or the nag) but conflict avoidance in a marriage inevitably leads to resentment. And to be sure, resentment will KILL a marriage. It's better to have the short-term difficult conversation than long-term unresolved resentment.

 

Unless you're really ready to accept the status quo and a slow deterioration after that, I think you've got little choice but to muster the courage to deliver an honest ultimatum. It doesn't have to be nasty but if this is really a dealbreaker for you, he needs to KNOW it and make a choice. And if he won't, then you have to make a choice and he needs to know that, too.

 

Good luck with whatever you choose.

[bathtub-row]

I feel pretty sure that the way your husband is speaking to you and treating you is indicative of much deeper problems here besides his low sex drive.

 

I don't care for his attitude toward you at all.

 

And his comment 'LOL Good luck with that' regarding him possibly driving you to reach out for sex outside the marriage - that is very telling of his bizarre (and crappy) attitude.

 

Truth is, you could easily find an affair partner, and he knows it. Not that you should. But his reply is just crap.

 

He sounds emotionally abusive to me.

 

You may need couples counseling to really sort this out, if it is sortable.

 

You sound like a fun lady. I feel bad you are with this bozo. Hope he shapes up or you ship out. You dont deserve this crap. Good luck.

 

I completely agree with this. This is not a man who values or respects you.

[dichotomy]

If there was a definite change 3-4 years ago then focus on that. It is a major hope however that your guy was sexual with you and it was good for a long while between you, so there is something to return to - if there is not some major issue like cheating.

 

I might warn you that simply keeping on him about sex - talking about it again and again - can turn it into a power/resentment issue ...as sex is often a power issue.

 

One thing that helped us and helped me - particularly emotionally coping - was to hire a marriage therapist who was also a sex therapist - and a woman. This therapist took me out of the power struggle and helped it to be two women talking - with the one kind of sorta taking on my side/role of working with her and encouraging her. While not completely happy about it - my wife was more willing to discuss it without power role issues with someone other than her spouse. Suggest you get a male marriage sex therapist....two guys talking and you try to remain neutral and positive during the sessions. Call the therapist via phone to discuss/interview them before selecting one - ask them their approach and style with sex related issues.

 

Testosterone levels as "normal" many labs (in US) list the range of something like 200-1200 as normal testosterone levels. Big range...and common view of people who have issues is anything under 400 is trouble, 500 -600 is very good, above fantastic. It is normal to drop each year as a man ages.

 

and I still recommend you spy - you might not find an affair but you may find some other reasons,,or maybe nothing - and then you can focus all efforts on therapy.

[thefooloftheyear]

Are there any financial problems in the household??? Does he handle the bills and maybe you dont know the real status?

 

Many guys will go in the tank romantically if the repo man is parked around the corner..If I missed it, sorry...didnt see this mentioned..

 

TFY

[Thegameoflife]

Conflicts are rarely resolved with threats.

 

The biggest issue when dealing with an issue, is knowing what the issue is. First you must explore the problem to understand the cause. Going to your husband and telling him he needs to fix a problem you don't understand yourself, is not going to work. Likely, he isn't aware of the issue either.

 

From my take on things, the op is questioning whether it might be something she's doing, but isn't sure. In my experience, when men lose interest in sex, people simply assume low testosterone, porn addiction, or affair. My assumption to most sexual problems deal with sexual dynamics.

 

The op's husband isn't verbalizing the issue because it's an emotional issue. Instead of explaining, he reflects through his behavior. In my personal life I never ask people what their issue is, because most people don't know. Instead, I look at what they say. The fact that he felt finding a new partner was't likely, means he is experiencing feelings you're creating in him that he knows men don't like. He feels it, but he might not understand it. When you push him to explain, he rejects the conversation because he's a man, and men don't have conversations about emotional issues where logical conclusion is absent. He never learned to translate feelings to words.

 

I see a broken sexual dynamic at the root of your problems. Men like to conquer. They want to feel they created lust and the want to serve their sexual needs. Your coming at sex taking a dominant position, which implies that your switching the roles, as your goal is your needs being met. This is working against you. If a woman asks a man for sex, they'll say yes to a new partner. As they become familiar, the no option becomes more likely as you move away from a mans ability to conquer in the situation. The offerred sex fails to meet his psychological need. Eventually its consistent rejection except when his physical need prevails. Don't push sex. Learn to become somone for him to conquer.

[dichotomy]

I will take odd's on the bet he knows exactly why he has lost interest.in sex with you....he just ain't telling you.

 

This is why I also recommend you looking into things (spying) despite the whole "man" thing about not communicating, I bet he is or has vented to someone on what his issue is with having sex with you. 48 year old men- they don't just become asexual.

 

I will also restate a position - two main reasons people have sex - 1) Their own needs (pure selfish sex pleasure, getting something else for themselves out of it, to prove something for themselves) 2) to please their partner - joy in their joy, pleasing in their pleasing. this idea often continues through medical issues and even old age.

 

Keep this in mind as you try to work with him.