how to make it better

[mimi54]

I have not behaved well, thought i was doing and saying the right thing but I know now that I've done every thing wrong. How to put it right.

 

First year living together - the first few months were a complete shock to my system and I complained he had took over. I complained about him doing everything (he was out of work at the time) and he did things differently to me. He said he wanted to do as much as possible to help but it felt like an invasion to me.

He is a very friendly person and would be off chatting to others so I moaned about that (it felt like I as second fiddle).

I could go on and on. Basically I have been selfish, have too high expectations, did not appreciate him, talked to him badly at times, mistrusted him, moaned too much about what i wanted. ( I moaned about the dance class we went to, we stopped going, I moaned that he fell asleep in the cinema so he wont go any more...etc

 

10 months on I have got used to his different ways, appreciate the things he does and want to trust him.

I know he has at times (perhaps more than I'm ware) got totally cheesed off with me. He says that nothing is perfect and wants to make a go of this. He says every day he loves me. I love him more now that ever. He has been so patient with me. He has started buying me flowers and small gifts which is really sweet (I don't need him to do that) which says he is trying to please me which is all he has done from the start. He compliments me often which I have found hard but I really now want to show that I do appreciate him.

 

How do i put all my bad behaviour right, show my appreciation, love, respect and let him know that he is my hero without it looking as if I'm going over the top. I want to share the good times again we used to have. Help

[Appreciate]

Just be genuine. Do things for him you know he genuinely likes and will appreciate. Don't worry about going over the top..have fun with him.

 

Basically, don't be complicated. Just do it without second-guessing it. If you have to second-guess it, you're not doing it right.

[mimi54]

Without second guessing it is what i don't understand. Having to think what I can do.

The one thing I'm struggling with the most is finances. I played my face over what he should be contributing and I'm still struggling with that one. He moved into my home, what is the best course of action? He was paying the food bill but was mean with it so i was buying food also. I asked him for a contribution to the house bills, not the mortgage or those that are personal to me, just electricity, gas, tax, internet etc. He paid one week cash then nothing again. He then did a bank transfer when I mentioned it again but hasn't done it again. He has paid for some evening out but not many. I don't want to mention it again but it will fester with me. He is working now.

[Davey L]

If he is working he should be contributing. In terms of how to show your appreciation of him from a man's point of view that's very simple - sex and food work well, we're simple folk.

[mimi54]

How do i ask again for the right contribution without sounding crytical of him?

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

I have not behaved well, thought i was doing and saying the right thing but I know now that I've done every thing wrong. How to put it right.

 

First year living together - the first few months were a complete shock to my system and I complained he had took over. I complained about him doing everything (he was out of work at the time) and he did things differently to me. He said he wanted to do as much as possible to help but it felt like an invasion to me.

He is a very friendly person and would be off chatting to others so I moaned about that (it felt like I as second fiddle).

I could go on and on. Basically I have been selfish, have too high expectations, did not appreciate him, talked to him badly at times, mistrusted him, moaned too much about what i wanted. ( I moaned about the dance class we went to, we stopped going, I moaned that he fell asleep in the cinema so he wont go any more...etc

 

10 months on I have got used to his different ways, appreciate the things he does and want to trust him.

I know he has at times (perhaps more than I'm ware) got totally cheesed off with me. He says that nothing is perfect and wants to make a go of this. He says every day he loves me. I love him more now that ever. He has been so patient with me. He has started buying me flowers and small gifts which is really sweet (I don't need him to do that) which says he is trying to please me which is all he has done from the start. He compliments me often which I have found hard but I really now want to show that I do appreciate him.

 

How do i put all my bad behaviour right, show my appreciation, love, respect and let him know that he is my hero without it looking as if I'm going over the top. I want to share the good times again we used to have. Help

 

Gawd I wish my SO would see the light you have... Telling you what I feel to make things right after so much turmoil with my woman would probably be spot on to what he expects of you, as he seems pretty much like me.

 

Show him your affection, and love. Yes, it is that simple for a guy who loves you so much and will do everything. As to see the woman they love be so caring and affectionate be at their side, makes the love they feel inside feel worth all the efforts they have made for you.

 

Hope you can see yourself now, being the woman he sees you. I thinkk many women dwell on their past negativity and feel too guilty to allow themselves to see how beautiful they really are when shedding their old ways.

[Kansas]

Without second guessing it is what i don't understand. Having to think what I can do.

The one thing I'm struggling with the most is finances. I played my face over what he should be contributing and I'm still struggling with that one. He moved into my home, what is the best course of action? He was paying the food bill but was mean with it so i was buying food also. I asked him for a contribution to the house bills, not the mortgage or those that are personal to me, just electricity, gas, tax, internet etc. He paid one week cash then nothing again. He then did a bank transfer when I mentioned it again but hasn't done it again. He has paid for some evening out but not many. I don't want to mention it again but it will fester with me. He is working now.

 

I could be way out in left field here but it sounds to me like in the beginning you built up some resentment towards him for not working. Initially when you moved in together and he was not working he did everything for you to make up for the fact that he was not working (he probably did it because he cares for you too, but he probably went out of his way too because he was unemployed). Now that he is working and is not contributing in the way that you agreed upon you are upset with him but don't know how to address it. It could be that you're not addressing it because of your behaviour in the past and now you are the one trying to not rock the boat.

 

I could be entirely off base here and this is only my perspective but it does not sound like you are equally contributing financially to the relationship and it sounds like someone contributing equally financially is something that is important to you (not a bad thing). You need to address this with him. Otherwise, you will build up resentment towards him and start treating him badly again. Or even worse, you will lose respect for him and you won't be able to love a man you do not respect (again, my opinion - I could be wrong).

 

Have you asked yourself why you were treating him badly in the first place? If it is because of resentment then you need to be honest with yourself about that. If you were just acting out because you were adjusting to living with someone then you need to own that, apologize and do better moving forward. Treat this as a new issue and approach it in a healthy way by talking to him about it and coming to an agreement that works for the both of you. If it was resentment and you just buried it, without addressing it, it could be that this new situation of him not paying enough is triggering you still from the last time.

 

If you're in an equal partnership with someone, he needs to know that you are stressed out about finances and as your partner and someone who is now working, he should be working with you to ease the burden with you so that the two of you are tackling the problem together. Even if he cannot contribute as much as you for whatever reason, this needs to be addressed so that it can be divided up fairly. Blowing you kisses and rubbing your feet, though nice will not pay the bills. In the long run it will probably irritate you more as you'll see it as a way of him trying to ignore the real issue and placate you even though it might not be what he's trying to do. You'll end up seeing everything through the resentment lense if you don't address this.

 

Just my two cents.

Edited September 30, 2014 by Kansas

[dichotomy]

How do i ask again for the right contribution without sounding crytical of him?

 

 

Here is how I have always done it in my relationships. Sample/Example

 

Your total income as a couple is $100,000

 

You makes $60,000 (or 60% of household income)

He makes $40,000 (or 40% of household income)

 

If common bills - rent/mortgage, phone, electric, gas, basic food, etc = $2000 a month.

 

You pay 60% or $1200 a month

He pays 40% or $800 a month.

 

Each pays their "fair" share - based on percentage.

 

If one person is better at paying bills then the other - then they collect a single check at end of each month from the not good paying bills other.

 

And yes sex, food, respect and praise - all a man needs.

[BetrayedH]

Here is how I have always done it in my relationships. Sample/Example

 

Your total income as a couple is $100,000

 

You makes $60,000 (or 60% of household income)

He makes $40,000 (or 40% of household income)

 

If common bills - rent/mortgage, phone, electric, gas, basic food, etc = $2000 a month.

 

You pay 60% or $1200 a month

He pays 40% or $800 a month.

 

Each pays their "fair" share - based on percentage.

 

If one person is better at paying bills then the other - then they collect a single check at end of each month from the not good paying bills other.

 

And yes sex, food, respect and praise - all a man needs.

 

I was going to make the same financial suggestion as dichotomy did above. Paying equal amounts is optimum but if one person doesn't have the same income and you've agreed to live together with shared expenses, doing the percentage thing can go a long way in avoiding resentment over his inability to pay equally. It makes it seem "fair" and it gives you an actual number he should be coughing up so that no one feels screwed.

 

Of course, this doesn't work well when one person has zero income. Fortunately, that seems to have been a short-term problem and in the meantime, he did extra work around the house to make up for his short-fall.

 

As for appreciating him, I have to agree that men respond well to sex. Generally, a woman needs to feel an emotional connection to have sex and men need to have sex to feel an emotional connection. It's a generalization of course but if you want him to feel reconnected to you, making sexual advances may go a long way. This also helps men feel appreciated. Beyond that, men want to feel respected. Some light ego-stroking about what a "man" he is would probably be remembered for a long time.

[WasOtherWoman]

 

 

And yes sex, food, respect and praise - all a man needs.

 

LOL, add sleep to your above sentence too! My husband likes to say "food, sex, respect and sleep are all men need. Anything more than that and you are overthinking us."

[Poppygoodwill]

You can approach the money issue by bringing up the 5 Year Plan....not that you might be able to write it now, but you want to talk about where you're going as a couple, what your mutual goals are re: finances and how you're going to get there. Through that, you can discuss present situation and set up precedent for future talks. No matter what - you shouldn't be paying all the bills. Though it's fair if he's struggling to find work that he make up for his share in other ways - cleaning the house, etc. The point is, it should be understood and accepted that everyone brings something to the table - financial or in kind. you shouldn't have to ask about it, or chase it, or raise it and risk having him feel you're making an "issue". it is an issue no matter what.

 

On the other question - how to show him you care, etc, I will say "little kindnesses". It's easy to focus on big gestures, but day in day out little acts of kindness really go a huge way i making someone feel loved. For instance, I recall a story about a long time married ocuple who got the same old question, "how have you stayed married os long?" Her answer: he always put a towel on the radiator to heat up so that when I got out of hte shower in the morning, I'd have a warm towel. Even when we've been fighting, he's done it. That's why I stayed married to him."

 

Little kindnesses. get his favourite food. bring him a cup of tea. rub his feet for five minutes while you watch tv. kiss his cheek for no reason. it all adds up.