Sanity check on a strange... question from fiancé.....

[Frmlove]

I'm new to the forum. This question is one of several items will post in the days to come.

 

I'm really struggling here and am looking for outside input. TIA.... To start off I'm in my late thirties and my fiancé is in her early thirties. I'm have been divorced for about 10 years and have a 16 year old son that resides with me. She on the other hand was all but divorced when we met. No children and has no intrest in any. They had been separated etc for awhile and wasnt a tense situation. He packed his stuff and left. She stayed and honestly one of the cleanest divorces in have ever heard of.

 

She had dated some between that point and the time we met and our relationship evolved from that point. At this point we have been together for 10 1/2 months and we have been engaged for 3 months. On to the question..... We were out for dinner.... went to a really nice upscale restaurant about an hour away. Had a great day leading up to all of this..... and were having general conversation during the first half of dinner and some about an upcoming wedding. Alls great..... so In thought.... Then all of a sudden she stops mid sentence. Says so how did she do it? I'm said how did who do what? How did she steal from you? ( I'm had mentioned at some point in the past months that a woman I'm had dated a short time had stolen money from me and tried to forge a.couple checks. Nothing was asked bear in mind when it was mentioned) After she elaborated a little more and I'm understood what she was saying..... I simply said I'm didn't want to discuss it and that it wasn't a great topic.....

 

Wasn't upset by the question... keep in mind. And said we could but not now......

 

Well........ all conversation stopped...... from that point. Tried to engage her in other topics and continuing the conversation we were in before this was dropped in..... She was pissed..

 

Not one word....... the rest of dinner..... not one word the entire ride home..... and not until I really really pushed did she talk..... She said...... your being an ass..... you wouldn't answer my question..... I simply said I really didn't feel that was an appropriate time or place for the discussion and we could discuss it now if she wanted. She just said well your being an ass hole and that wasn't acceptable..... And that I was only discussing it on my terms..... I'm trying to sort out..... why is that unacceptable....? Being an ******* because I wouldn't answer a question like that over dinner....... in the atmosphere we were in etc.... And trying to understand the response....... almost as bad as a little kid going off to pout.....

 

Bear in mind we have a very very open relationship.. we can and have discussed more things than I have ever discussed with anyone. And I'm 100% good with it and embrace it. This is one of several things that have happened lately that have thrown me for a loop..... I love this woman.... want to marry her..... want her to be in my life forever...... Feel we have a very strong very stable relationship which she acknowledges. I have even asked her point blank...

 

Is this what you still want? She says yes......

 

Looking for insight and want to understand and am was I off base.

 

Thanks!

Edited September 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for readability.

[Mr. Lucky]

At this point we have been together for 10 1/2 months and we have been engaged for 3 months.

You got engaged after 7 months of meeting each other and before her divorce is final?

 

With all due respect - why ? What prevents you from taking the time to get to know each other so you can understand whether events and her reaction as you've described are the norm or an aberration?

 

Why the rush?

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

I think she over reacted and sulked by not talking and being pissed off.

 

Not sure why she got so upset that you told her you didn't feel like talking about it during dinner and you did say you'd discuss it some other time.

 

Had a great day leading up to all of this..... and were having general conversation during the first half of dinner and some about an upcoming wedding. Alls great..... so In thought.... Then all of a sudden she stops mid sentence. Says so how did she do it? I'm said how did who do what? How did she steal from you?

 

What I'd like to know is, what made her think of it and ask you at that moment. It's almost like she heard some gossip about it? I find it odd actually.

 

Hopefully you two can talk about it another time and also you need to see that her reaction to this is a red flag and how she called you an ass, and yes she totally over reacted by punishing you with the silent treatment..You do know that is a form of emotional abuse? Giving someone the silent treatment is intentionally cruel and a control game too.

 

You've not known her for that long. Maybe you need to not rush into marriage and get to know her a bit better.

[CarrieT]

I'm with Mr. Lucky! Get to know someone through all four seasons - at least - before considering an engagement.

 

You are now seeing her true reactions and gaining insight into her personality which is not very pretty. There are obviously communication issues between you two; she couldn't handle being shut down.

 

I don't blame you for not wanting to discuss something of that ilk in a restaurant but perhaps the way you intoned it implied to her that you never wanted to discuss it and it was prying. Who knows. The fact that you couldn't get her to move on to other topics and she started the sulking attitude is very telling.

 

I'd say you both need some counseling to learn how to communicate better.

[jackslife]

I'd say you both need some counseling to learn how to communicate better.

 

Disagree here. The idea that counselling solves all ills is a nonsense, and in this instance isn't necessary.

 

You have leapt in with both feet here and gotten engaged too soon. You should give yourselves time to get to know each other before considering marriage. Clearly her way of dealing with something when she doesn't get her way is to sulk about it. When all has calmed down answer her question and then talk about her reaction and how it spoilt the night for you.

 

The sulk trick is like the behaviour of a teenager. Next time, drop her home, don't speak to her and wait for her to call and apologise.

 

You say this woman is the 'one' etc etc, but then you mentioned the little red flags appearing. That's you starting to see her as she is when the lust starts wearing off. I think you need to keep dating awhile before you put the ring on her finger.

[Popsicle]

Not really enough info, but maybe she sensed in you that paranoia that way too many men have about gold diggers/divorce/"zomg women only try to steal my money". It's analogous to the equivalent, yet, just as exhausting to deal with paranoia that too many women have about being used by men only for sex. Even the smallest things trigger this paranoia in either gender and they ooze it.

 

Maybe she's thinking about whether she really wants to deal with someone paranoid and is questioning what really happened to see if your cray.

Edited September 28, 2014 by Popsicle

[Appreciate]

If you plan on marrying someone, you should really be able to discuss anything with them. Why are you so sensitive about this story with your fiancé? She probably feels like you won't "let her in" all the way. I'd be weirded out too if my fiancé didn't want to talk about something. What is so weird that you can't talk about it with her?

[compulsivedancer]

Is she looking to steal from you? Is that why this question was so important to her?

 

Why this question? Why can't she respect your wish to discuss it later. Unless you have out her off several times, her reaction was out of proportion to the cause.