Husband on forums bashing wife, while I'm in hospital

[LuciaLove]

No idea

I've been with my wife for nearly four years (started dating four years ago, living together for two years, married about fifteen months). She has two kids, 7 and 9, who are with us most of the time except they're with their father two out of every three weekends. I have two kids, 13 and 16, who are with us periodically.

 

We have fun together and good times. However, there are a number of things that make the relationship especially difficult.

 

1. We fight repeatedly about the issue of me supposedly being too busy or over scheduled. The persistent refrain is that she feels like it's my life and she just has to fit into it. However, I work a Monday to Friday job, and I'm home almost every evening and on weekends. (I sometimes have to go to the office on weekends but that's unusual.) She's been working from home for the last year trying to start a business, so she has more "alone time" than I do. Before we moved in together I would be out doing things with people other than her a few nights a week (seeing a fitness trainer, drinks with a friend, etc.), but I've scaled that back to a single Wednesday night martial arts class that's over at 8, after which I come home. Thus I feel like I've given up a lot, which I'm okay with because you have to make sacrifices and compromises to make a relationship work. And yet I still deal with what I see as her false narrative in which I'm out all the time and never have time for her. It's frustrating that I've made a bunch of compromises willingly but am told that it's still not enough.

 

 

-------

Regarding this point - this point of contention has been out of the realm of our relationship for over 18 months now but for some reason H keeps harping on it.

 

My only request is that he considers that I have a schedule and needs as well, and require some warning and control over time of the household ; and simply making plans and letting me know afterwards is not how to run this. There has been no "punishment".

 

I had asked that if he is going to be away for a week, if when he's not busy we can spend a weekend to "make up" some of the together time - ie. wink wink nudge nudge.

 

This is not unreasonable.

 

He has told me that this has been a huge point of contention in a past relationship so I'm sure there's some transference to our current situation.

 

2. She's assured me that she wants me to be happy, to do things, and that she supports that. However, it feels like, when I actually do take her at her stated word, half the time I end up paying for it somehow.

 

---NOT TRUE: unless "paying for it" means you have to spend time in bed with your wife, or go on a trip with your wife to have some "catch up" time. I'm allowed to say I miss you when I don't see you very often.

 

I'm being put in a cage where the only appropriate action to him being away and overscheduled is "I don't care - please go. Please don't think about me at all while you are away." and if I say that --- somehow I'm still pushing some sort of negative vibes on the situation.

 

Either I haven't adequately made sure she's cared for or entertained while I'm out, or she feels I'm out having fun without her, or neglecting her, etc. (Or if I don't text her enough while I'm out and tell her how much I miss her, that causes a fight later too.)

 

 

-------------Simply not true. In the very beginning of our relationship I had my issues about a past relationship and there were 2 or 3 incidences where I had a panic attack when he left. I have gone to counselling and worked through them. I don't have the same response anymore. In fact, I prefer it if he's away for the evening then I get to put on my salacious girl orientated shows.

 

 

A big example: every year for the last ten years I've done a stage play with a group of other people who work in the same industry I do; this does admittedly take some time from her and me during a period of about two months of the year, though I've specifically asked for and received small roles for the last few years to keep this disruption to a minimum. This year, I had to go to rehearsals about once a week, except for the week of the actual show when I was out ever night. And yet it still causes problems.

 

----note how these problems are not defined. The "problems" are that I said that I'm going to miss him being away. He also doesn't mention that I was AT HIS SHOW 2 days being a huge supporter. He also doesn't mention how many times I say the reason I fell in love with him was knowing that he's involved in charity and theatre.

 

I've told her that I'll stop doing it, and she says no, she WANTS me to do it. I guess I just feel that things she claims to want me to do, I should be able to do with a lot less negative consequence and what feels like punishment.

 

----again, there's no mention of the negative consequences or punishment. I have no idea what I do to make him feel punished.

 

3. I'm carrying most of the financial burden, which means I'm not paying down my own debt or building up savings. When we moved in together two years ago we agreed on a division of the expenses, but that's gone by the wayside: she went through some job strife a year ago and I supported her through it, including supporting her desire to start her own business which has taken time to get off the ground and is still scraping by. I even helped her buy a car last month when hers died, and I don't really expect to get paid back. And I've done all this without complaining and without making her feel bad. (Ironically, she doesn't like being dependent on others, but now she is to an extent.) I haven't really had to raise this with her because each month she's very apologetic when she can't pay her share of the bills, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm subsidizing her dreams and still getting the treatment I referred to above.

 

 

----- what treatment are you getting? I am beyond thankful that he is supportive and I tell him this all the time. It sounds to be more that my husband is communicating that he is becoming resentful of having to carry a larger percentage of the financial burden.

 

Context: when we met I was making less than a 1/4 of his income however, I did agree to pay 1/2 the expenses and 1/3 entertainment. As our relationship progressed he stopped using the 1/3 entertainment card. I then still managed to paying 1/2 the expenses with 1/4 the income.

 

 

However, I did not complain. A deal is a deal and I feel like shyt for not being able to keep up every month when the bills are do. I asked him if he's okay with this and it's always conflict avoidance.

 

It's clear to me that it's time to get a job in addition to my business and I'm in the process of applying and looking for one that fits kids' schedules, and hopefully makes it so that the 2 years of building the business doesn't get flushed down the drain.

 

I wish he would just be honest and open with me instead of coming to a forum and voicing this with strangers when I'm right next to him in a relationship with him.

 

4. Our house is a pigsty. She's home more than me, but I'm not asking her to clean the house or be anything resembling a "housewife" - I'd just like her to do very basic things like putting food wrappers in the garbage can under the kitchen sink instead of on the kitchen counter, putting dirty laundry in the hamper five feet away instead of on the floor of our bedroom, not covering the dining room table and credenza with papers and other junk, etc. I do most of the cleaning and laundry, and I'm okay with that - I just want cooperation keeping the place somewhat tidy on a minimal ongoing basis so that it's not a total mess. Her kids are barely policed in this area unless I say something. Apparently cleaning "triggers" her because her abusive ex used to require her to do it, and the one time I've actually raised it with her because it was bugging me, I evidently did so in the wrong way because it caused a fight.

 

 

---------------I have huge issues with cleaning and I admit this and I'm quite ashamed of not being able to be a proper "housewife". He was warned, and he knew when he met me this is something I'm ashamed off. My ex-husband used to be critical of me cleaning and if I didn't do it right I would get the shyt beat out of me so when I clean now I get really angsty and stressed. I'm not proud of it but it's something I work on and suffer through everyday.

 

Re: the kids - my kids have fantastic responsibilities for being their ages. They have "Responsibility" board where they get point they can exchange for fun activities.

 

5. I want to travel and see more of the world. She has little money so the cost will be on me, which I'm okay with, because I'd want to have those experiences with her. However, she doesn't have a huge desire to do that, and lately she seems to be trying to convince me subtly to NOT want to travel, "we live in the best place on earth", etc. So the choices are for her to agree to travel with me and make that a priority when she doesn't really want to, or for me to go without her, which wouldn't make her happy at all.

 

 

----------I have a business to run and attend to; also every day that I'm away I make less many which further pushes my ability to keep up with my husband financially. He doesn't mention that I accompanied him to an international city for 10 days last month, nor that I'm planning to go to Costa Rica with him, nor that I planned a weekend trip away to another state where I booked ATV's for us, Skydiving..

 

I feel portrayed unfairly as a wet blanket, when all i'm doing is trying to be sensible about my responsibilities and finances which are already under pressure, and my husband is already feeling resentful towards.

 

 

6. It feels like there's a huge double standard when one of us is upset at the other. If I've done something wrong, she'll go on about it at length and bring it up repeatedly on subsequent occasions. If I'm annoyed about something, I can mention it once, and god help me if I bring it up again, bring it up in a way that to her seems too critical or "mean", or talk about it longer than she wants to.

 

-----not sure what actual occasion is or situation is that he's refering to, however this seems like a bit of generalization and bringing up it up at a "subsequent occasion".

 

BUT, I am diagnosed with PTSD and hence are hypersensitive and hyperreactive. I've been going to counselling and have made some amazing progress in being non-reactive. He has been amazing at trying to deal with this.

 

 

 

7. She is very emotionally needy and it feels like I'm responsible for almost the entirety of her happiness, and thus largely to blame when she's not happy. During the time we've been living together she's also been on antidepressants, she goes to counseling for PTSD from abuse she suffered in her previous marriage, and she has an Ativan prescription to deal with anxiety. The anxiety has caused her, in the last two weeks especially, to drink to excess (reaching the point of slurring her words, several nights in a row).

 

 

--------------It's true. I actually got a concussion, then I went "crazy" and became really unbalanced. I knew something was wrong and I kept telling my husband something isn't right. I self-medicated with alcohol. It's weird to explain. But it was if I couldn't communicate with anyone, especially not him, where he would actually pause or understand the severity or extent of what I was going through. He was stressed out at work.

 

 

 

Which leads to the weekend that just passed. I have a large work commitment starting in about two weeks and lasting for the month of June; that doesn't happen too often, but it's the nature of my work and she knows that. (In the past she's worked in the same industry.) I was going to go to my office on Sunday, but she was feeling depressed and lonely so I worked at home while she slept most of the day. Yesterday was a statutory holiday up here, but I had to go to the office to meet with a client. As soon as I've left I get a slew of crummy text messages from her about how I'm abandoning her when she's lonely, I don't care about her, I think she's a burden on my life, I'm selfish, etc. I'm not leaving the house for kicks -- I have to.

 

 

----------I was feeling really desperate and out of control -- sick even. It was a public holiday and most other people had their families and husbands with them. My husband didn't seem to see the extent of the pain I was in or what was happening to me emotionally. I was done feeling like a there was no one who understood that there was something seriously WRONG. No one was listening. I just wanted it all to stop. I had told him that I was suicidal. I had told him that something is really really wrong with my thoughts. I had stabbed myself with a fork (I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THAT BEFORE)...I was out of control....

 

and then he just left me to be by myself for the day. I didn't know how to yell scream or ask for help any louder than to take the bottle of Ativan.

 

By the way, I have had glimpses of that feeling since then and I just go straight to the hospital. That's the more appropriate response.

 

Anyway, she texts me awhile later saying that she's taken her whole bottle of Ativan. I text back saying that if she's lying to me, she has a minute to tell me or I'm calling 911. She texts back and says she's lying. Awhile later, a friend of hers calls me and tells me that she's knocked on the door to our place repeatedly and rang the bell, and called my wife, and no answer, and she's worried. I immediately get in my car and drive home. She's pretty out of it, but says she did take all the Ativan (about 20 pills), so I call 911. Ambulance takes her to the hospital and we're there all day, and we both stay there overnight because the resident psychiatrist isn't satisfied that she's safe to release and she doesn't want me to leave her there. (Her kids are with their father until later today.) Fortunately an overdose of Ativan, as long as it's not taken with alcohol, can't kill you, it just knocks you out. She's still at the hospital; presumably they'll release her later today.

 

 

 

-----I don't remember anything after that, but apparently while I'm in the hospital suffering the worst day of my life, he's on this forum telling strangers how I don't keep the house clean and how I don't want to travel with him.

 

 

 

I feel overwhelmed. I have a huge work obligation bearing down on me. I have a wife who may be suicidal. I feel like the pill-taking is due to her emotional state, but that the emotional state is in part based on a very flawed set of perceptions on her part, for which I get blamed despite clear evidence to the contrary. (I should point out that numbers 1-6 that I set out above were all present before depression reared its head; the depression has made them worse.)

 

 

---------I never blamed him for the fact that I had a concussion, nor that I was depressed, nor that I was suicidal. It has nothing to do with him. I asked for help over and over again, and no one noticed.

 

I don't know what to do. Part of me, I'm sorry to say, wants to get out of the whole situation, because I don't want my life to be like this. That part of me looks at what I'm getting out of this relationship (she loves me very much, she's affectionate, the sex is good, and we are able to have a good time together) versus what it costs me emotionally and otherwise, and sees a huge imbalance.

 

--------if my husband had come and talked to me about the issues before I was lying in a hospital bed and couldn't defend myself, I would've done anything to make him happy. I would do anything. I really would. I even cancelled our own wedding reception to make him happy...anything to take the stress off of him.

 

 

Which is a crappy way to look at one's marriage, but those are the thoughts I've been having. Which probably makes me really selfish.

 

Not sure if I'm looking for advice.... at the very least, this is a vent. Thanks to anybody who successfully reads the whole thing.

[LuciaLove]

Just spoke to the hospital half an hour ago. The nurse wasn't very helpful, simply telling me that they're transferring her to the psychiatric ward sometime today. I have no idea if that means she could be released today or what. Hopefully I'll be able to speak to the psychiatrist in the next short while. Apparently her night was uneventful.

 

So much going through my head. Doom scenarios mostly. I'll explain.

 

The blowup that triggered her swallowing all the pills has its roots about a week ago. She'd been under the weather (a cold type thing) for a few days.

 

 

---I was sick, becoming unstable, feeling depressed, and was dealing with concussion that was making me crazy. My husband texted me at 5pm saying that our friend is on the way and going to stay with us. He KNEW I was beyond ill, but didn't consider it. Instead he invited houseguests to stay with us.

 

I'm trying to tune down my drinking - stop drinking, but this friend is addicted to drugs, drinks like a fish and is the opposite of conducive to any sort of moderation. He keeps lending this friend money, and the amounts are becoming larger and more frequent. It's his money and he has the right to give it to who he wants, but my concern is the lack of boundaries and where does this end?

 

 

A friend of mine who has been in a difficult relationship finally pulled the plug on that relationship. This had been coming for a few weeks, and my wife and I had talked about him crashing at our place temporarily after his move-out. She'd agreed to that. Plus there had been a few "false alarms" where it looked like he was going to move out and didn't. Then last Wednesday, he actually did, so I told him at about 5 pm to head to our place.

 

 

 

------- My wife was already there and he arrived before I did. I gave her a heads-up by text, in response to which she sent me back some texts about how I hadn't considered her or checked with her and how thoughtless this was of me.----

 

TRUE. I was feeling like absolute hell. I couldn't keep myself together and my husband was swamped with work, and now he brought an additional responsibility/stressor into our environment. I needed my own place, because I was quite ill.

 

 

I walk in the door and my friend and her are already there, a drink in hand while he updates her on what happened. Friendly as can be. The contrast between the crappy texts from her that I'd read literally minutes earlier and her sudden friendliness towards me when I walk in is rather staggering.

 

 

------I was putting up a brave face to make my husband's friend feel welcome. He didn't do anything wrong. He needed support despite me falling apart on the inside. My husband walked in and said something along the lines of "What is your problem with our friend staying over??" right in front of him to embarrass me and the friend there.

 

He later apologized but it hurt that he didn't see that despite being sick I was putting up a brave face to accommodate his wishes to help his friend and make his friend feel comfortable.

 

My friend stays Wednesday and Thursday nights; during the day he's gone at work. Starting Friday night he'd made arrangements with another friend who had a proper spare room.

 

 

---At first there was no date set for the friend to leave, so he was going to stay with us indefinitely. My husband was upset that I asked what the boundaries were.

 

So my wife and I were together, alone, on Friday night and Saturday morning. Saturday afternoon/evening we're at a wedding with the friend who'd been staying with us those two nights; when that's over we three come back to our place for the night. Next morning my wife gets upset over the day's plans because I've indicated I have to work. My friend heads off to his other arranged space to crash and has been there since.

 

---his friend continues to come back to our house. I ask my husband to please if we could establish a time frame which is reasonable, I thought.

 

Anyway, my wife on Monday (in all the texts she sent me before swallowing the pills) attributed her meltdown to the way the weekend went, the fact that there hadn't been as much her-and-me time, the fact that I hadn't planned anything for her and me to do during the long weekend, etc. When I saw her at the hospital yesterday afternoon she was saying more of the same stuff.

 

---------I was emotionally exhausted, I was recovering from a concussion, which mixed with my PTSD and just being all around sick made me INSANE. We were both pressed to our limit and my husband invited over a houseguest. I had told them how sick I am , but it fell on death ears. I finally just couldn't take it anymore.

 

 

 

So, back to why I foresee doom. I don't know if the psychiatrist is going to let her out tonight or not. She's trying to run a business and her clients will get inconvenienced. Thus I have a feeling she's going to blame everything on me:

 

1. The fact that she took all the Ativan;

 

----didn't blame it on him; blamed concussion, PTSD combo.

 

2. The fact that she was taken to the hospital at all (she says she "just wanted to sleep", while her texts to me were saying she feels useless and if would be better if she just dies);

 

-----didn't blame it on him; blamed concussion, PTSD combo.

 

3. The fact that she's been kept for ___ days at the hospital;

 

-----didn't blame it on him; blamed concussion, PTSD combo.

 

4. Any consequent damage to her business.

-----didn't blame it on him; blamed concussion, PTSD combo.

 

---------why am I pre-emptively told what bad things I'm going to commit in the future?

 

At this point, I'm not expecting that she's going to let go of this, and that she's going to feel completely justified in blaming me for it for the foreseeable future.

 

--------I still don't blame him. I cried when I heard the counsellor asked him "how are you doing?" and he felt so relieved. He never told me any of this - how it effected him. I have to go online and find him telling a bunch of strangers. I'm RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM BUT HE DOESN'T SEE ME. He doesn't mention how I apologized for putting him through that and how I feel crappy for being so messed up with the PTSD.

 

This is really freaking hard. That's why I said earlier that I'm dreading her release from hospital.

 

----------makes me feel really hurt that he would say that.

[beach]

What are you doing to live a healthy, balanced lifestyle now?

 

Are you taking any medicine? Any alcohol?

 

You also may need any job - not one of convenience that fits everyone's schedule. The kids will adjust to your work schedule. Whether or not you stay married - it looks like you need to earn money.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting - I'd like to know you're making healthy choices for your mental well being.

 

By the way - he showed strength and courage - and you should understand some gratitude for his help while you were in the hospital.

 

We were all hoping you would stay in the hospital longer to get help.

 

How much counseling have you done? Do you attend any groups that support suicide attempts?

Edited August 13, 2014 by beach

[LuciaLove]

Beach and GT, you're probably both right. It's strange to think that I've come to "fear" making her angry (she's 30 and I'm 42 and bigger than her for crissakes....), but that's the long and the short of it. I've dealt enough with upsetting her for various perceived misdemeanors that, probably every other week at least, I have a moment of dread about raising something with her because I don't want it to turn into a fight, argument, sulkiness, or case of stink-eye. The onus is usually on me to fix things, extend the olive branch, say supportive things that make her feel loved, etc.

 

-------I'm not a fighter AT ALL. I'm a conflict avoider just like my husband is. I am defensive, and hyper sensitive to criticism but I know this by myself. I always apologize and say I'm sorry I know my reaction is not to something he did, but my body reacting to something in the past.

 

My husband FEARS me? I didn't know this at all. I'm so sensitive to loud voices that I often hear people "screaming" when they are simply talking louder than usual.

 

My husband and I rarely fight and we have a healthy "fight style" which is usually we both become quiet and think of how to fix the problem.

 

This is out of no where. I'm just shocked.

 

I go into "I'm going to die mode" pretty easily which is the PTSD because past conflict has not worked out so well for me so I would do anything to resolve it. Panic, followed by me crying. I didn't know I was so scary, and if my husband had told me this I would want to talk to him about it and figure out what I can do differently.

 

I'M RIGHT NEXT TO HIM - HE CAN TELL ME THIS ANYTIEM, but he's on this forum.

 

 

 

I'm rambling a bit, but another troubling part in all this is that she's never at a loss, when she's happy, to tell me how wonderful I am in so many ways.

 

 

----That's true. I make a point of telling me husband everyday what positive traits he has and how great he is.

 

Then one of the aforementioned issues arises and I get an earful about it, and the inevitable question in my mind (and sometimes expressed to her) is "if I'm really so horrible to you, why are you with me?"

 

-------I don't remember this. My biggest issue is him not seeing me.

 

Things escalate, she yells, I yell back, she starts crying and wondering aloud what she possibly could have done to make me yell at her, saying that she just wants me to care or listen to her or take her feelings into account or give her attention or make her feel loved or valued. End of argument, I'm the a**hole for making it all worse.

 

-------I guess that's true. I just want him to hear me and see me, and take me into account. Not invite people over when we are already stressed to the max with my mental health and his work.

 

I should be working right now on this huge project coming up, but my mind is in a million places at once right now.

 

Part of my curse, if we can call it a curse, is that I've spent my life being a "nice guy". Gentle, non-violent, fairly chill. And for some reason I seem to wind up in relationships with women who I'll nicely call "angels with broken wings".

 

-------My husband is nice, but lacks self awareness when he does become hurtful, unintentionally, but that he is capable of hurting others with his actions and words.

 

 

The friend I mentioned earlier who's going through a breakup commented to me recently that he's seen in the last couple of years a bit of my inner a**hole coming out (and expressing approval at this).

 

------this event happened when I'm being really really sick the last weekend, and the friend was the house guest that came while we I was "losing it" but still keeping it all together, and my husband got short with me because I wasn't fast enough getting something on the computer screen - and he scoffed at me in front of the houseguest.

 

The house guest applauded him for scoffing at me.

 

I was really sad about this and went upstairs without making a scene about it. I brought it up with him the next day and he apologized. Clearly he was actually quite proud about it.

 

 

 

 

 

I think that means that I've stopped being as much of a doormat, started speaking my mind more, started calling people out on their shyt. Not sure how that's going to play out in the present circumstances, but this is me still rambling.

[iiiii]

You're lucky your husband cares enough about you, and your relationship, to post on a forum asking for help and advice. Many wouldn't.

 

It might hurt he can't say these things to you, but many people go to forums to vent their emotions & share feelings and situations that they're confused about or would hurt their partner.

 

You might not think his complaints and problems about your relationship are reasonable, but they seem to be genuine feelings he has, and if so they're valid IMO.

 

You might not think you're punishing him, but if he's the sensitive type, the feedback you give might well be too harsh and feel like punishment to him.

 

Have you tried marriage counselling?

[beach]

 

didn't blame it on him; blamed concussion, PTSD combo.

 

Really? You are the only one responsible for YOUR actions and choices.

 

And you repeat it over and over.

 

It's on you.

 

And you released from the hospital early. And he was fearful for what would happen with an unstable woman in the home.

 

Stop blaming others.

 

IF you don't like it - then take responsibility for your own unhappiness and leave him.

 

That's what a mature, grown woman does.

 

Stop being so selfish! How about how your husband feels working all the time and worried about kids left with a woman to tries to commit suicide to get attention?

 

Think of others for a change. Get some serious help for your mental issues.

[LuciaLove]

I think what you're missing is that I never blamed him. I do take responsibility and I'm self-aware enough to know when I ****ed up and I have shame.

 

Depression is not something you can just snap out of. I have some serious work to do and I do it everyday.

 

I am going to counselling, I am starting a really heavy dose of exercise, I am eating healthier, I'm making a concerted effort to drink less.

 

I also make mistakes and fail horribly.

 

You should try finding a list of all the ways your husband dislikes you and people encouraging him to leave you.

 

I am sad because instead of talking to me - instead of seeing me RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM, wanting to help him and make him happy he's somewhere like here telling, exaggerating everyone of my mistakes.

 

I am thinking of leaving because I'm devastated that I am this terrible a partner in his eyes , and this is what he really truly thinks of me and he couldn't even talk to me.

 

There's something really wrong about this. Clearly he is miserable with me.

Edited August 13, 2014 by LuciaLove
additional information

[LuciaLove]

What are you doing to live a healthy, balanced lifestyle now?

 

I am. Low carb, lots of veggies and fruit - I started a work out routine. I hike daily.

 

Are you taking any medicine? Any alcohol?

 

I'm working on lowering my alcohol intake. I have failed, but I am improving. I am doing much better off the medication right now. I'm way more balanced and calm.

 

You also may need any job - not one of convenience that fits everyone's schedule. The kids will adjust to your work schedule. Whether or not you stay married - it looks like you need to earn money.

 

Agreed. I do earn money. Not enough to keep up with my husband though.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting - I'd like to know you're making healthy choices for your mental well being.

 

Thank you. I am hurting - and yes I am making better choices. I'm not perfect but I'm slowely getting

 

By the way - he showed strength and courage - and you should understand some gratitude for his help while you were in the hospital.

 

I did. I showered him with gratitude and apologized for my choices. I can't understand where he gets that I was angry with him when I got out of the hospital. I had no idea what I said while I was in there, but I will take responsibility for it.

 

We were all hoping you would stay in the hospital longer to get help.

The hospital is a very scary place, especially since I so heavily associate it with being beat up from my ex husband. It would've re-traumatized me, but yes, help would be good.

 

How much counseling have you done? Do you attend any groups that support suicide attempts?

 

I have a weekly counsellor that specialized in trauma. I don't go to groups.

[2sunny]

I think it's wise if you never drink again. Can you quit? Alcohol is a depressant and causes anxiety.

 

Are you taking medicine?

[LuciaLove]

I think it's wise if you never drink again. Can you quit? Alcohol is a depressant and causes anxiety.

 

Are you taking medicine?

 

I can quit - if it would make my husband not bash me in forums, I will never touch a drink again. He would probably divorce me if I never drink though because if you read the threads carefully, and as he tells me, he loves me "because I am fun", which means he likes going out with me on the weekend and drinking.

 

During the week, or if I have emotional needs, I'm too much to deal with.

 

I am better off the medication, and drink less, make better decisions and are generally healthier.

 

I had just started that medication before the suicide attempt, and as you know some anti-depressants can cause suicidal idealization.

 

I'm devastated reading his posts tonight, and knowing my life partner sees me like this --- when I was at my lowest point in my life - he's annoyed that I failed--that I'm disrupting his work......just well: lost.

 

I'm seriously considering ending the relationship because he's clearly not happy and I don't feel heard or seen at all which makes me unhappy too.

[LuciaLove]

By all means bash me for failing and tripping. I don't claim to be perfect. Never did.

 

I just hope no one ever finds a list of all your indiscretions magnified and exaggerated and out of context that the person you love the most in the world posted for other to judge and comment on while your sick and in the hospital.

 

Quoting him "If I'm really such a terrible person, why is [he] with me?"

[beach]

Quit so that you can feel healthy.

 

You can adjust the weekend fun times.

 

You may be surprised how much better you feel.

 

And you may be surprised that your M may get better with new perspectives.

 

Keep going to counseling. Work together on boundaries and communicating effectively and productively.

[LuciaLove]

Quit so that you can feel healthy.

 

You can adjust the weekend fun times.

 

You may be surprised how much better you feel.

 

And you may be surprised that your M may get better with new perspectives.

 

Keep going to counseling. Work together on boundaries and communicating effectively and productively.

 

If I become completely sober he would leave.

 

It's about his life - his travels, his work, his friends...my job is "to be fun" and not to impede or encroach in anyway on the above: ....and a large dose of good sex and ego stroking.

 

When I REALLY NEEDED help, like desperately needed serious serious help - his concern was his work and what an annoyance I was because I needed help.

 

Read the thread. That's what he says.

[beach]

If I become completely sober he would leave.

 

It's about his life - his travels, his work, his friends...my job is "to be fun" and not to impede or encroach in anyway on the above: ....and a large dose of good sex and ego stroking.

 

When I REALLY NEEDED help, like desperately needed serious serious help - his concern was his work and what an annoyance I was because I needed help.

 

Read the thread. That's what he says.

 

I understand. I understood it when it happened.

 

Quit drinking for YOU - not him.

 

It's about you getting to a point to feeling your best. No matter what he does or doesn't want - this is for you!

 

If he doesn't like it - ending the M is best anyway. You need to feel better.

 

And talk to him honestly about how you feel about it all. It's time to begin talking to each other instead of avoiding.

 

Have you really been here sine 2011? Are your prior threads about him or another man?

Edited August 13, 2014 by beach

[Astrolink]

The biggest problem I have with what you've posted is your inability to validate his feelings and refer to it as bashing instead. It's no wonder he is unable to discuss these issues with you. He DOES feel as he's posted online.

 

Have you tried DBT (Dialectical behavior therapy)? This could be effective for you.

Edited August 13, 2014 by Astrolink

[LuciaLove]

The biggest problem I have with what you've posted is your inability to validate his feelings and refer to it as bashing instead. It's no wonder he is unable to discuss these issues with you. He DOES feel as he's posted online.

 

Have you tried DBT (Dialectical behavior therapy)? This could be effective for you.

 

 

Oh boy.

 

I don't have a mental breakdown every day, but on the day that I do, I hope to have my husband not be resentful at me because his work, travel and the tidiness of his home is more important.

 

Not a shred of concern of "wow, my wife is in pain, something really serious just happened" --< his post is about he is annoyed that I'm inconveniencing him.

 

...and you saying that on top of having a mental breakdown I should a.) not expect the support of my husband and 2.) be additionally tasked with validating his feelings of resentment towards me while I'm having a medical emergency.

Edited August 14, 2014 by LuciaLove

[LuciaLove]

Someone needs to learn about the realities of mental health issues and gain some mental health awareness.

 

Especially in light of Robin Williams' death.

 

You don't know anything positive about me because my husband didn't post anything other than my shortcomings.

 

Not only that, he misrepresented and exaggerated and posted things on a public forum for people like you to judge me with.

 

Whatever I'm done. I hope none of this ever happens to any of you.

 

Good luck navigating life without making mistakes or running into adversity.

[ForeverTainted]

tl, dr

 

My husband is a loving, responsible, well-rounded individual who provides well for our family and would still like to have a personal life. I on the other hand have a serious mental illness that causes me to emotionally manipulate the people I love by attempting suicide with the benzodiazapines that my dr. prescribed me for my mental condition. I also having a drug and alcohol problem and do not work or chip in on my share of housework. Since my husband cannot talk to me (because I'm a hot mess) he posted on the internet in hopes of finding someone who can give him advice on dealing with all of this. I found out and immediately went into victim mode instead of empathizing with my husband. However, everything is his fault be he knew before hand that I was emotionally unstable.

 

This is a cruel and horrible post. I would report it but I don't know if it "violates the rules". Shame on you for writing this and shame on the person who liked it. It is ignorant and hateful. You believe his story 100% but want to attack and demean someone who is mentally unwell? Get some education about mental health and what the wrong meds can do to you. Medication can react in crazy ways. They are drugs after all and can alter personality and cause serious issues with certain people. Wow, terrible post. Even IF this poster was a troll writing such a terrible reply could cause so much harm to someone who was in a situation like this. I'm not saying Op is a trol I an just saying there is never a time for this sort of post.

 

OP, is this the same man you posted about in 2011?

 

I don't think anything should be posted online that you wouldn't want your SO to read. Not to say that you would show them but if they did find it would you stick by your words or be "oops" that may have been a little exaggerated. Or a lie.

 

Have you confronted him?

[acrosstheuniverse]

LuciaLove, I don't want to get involved in your situation, I just wanted to say that very often, LOTS of us post things on this forum that we would be mortified and devastated were our partners or spouses to see. The whole point of an online forum is you let it all out, usually when you're really in the middle of a terrible mood or something acute and awful has just happened (such as you being in the hospital). I purposefully don't have anybody who knows me in real life know this account on here, nor would I allow them to, even though I don't bash anybody. Just because I think posting here is my escape, it's for me, and it's for me to discuss things from my side of any relationship I may be having problems with.

 

So I'm sorry you stumbled across his postings, because it must have been horrendous to read, very upsetting and painful. Especially if you feel as though he's spoken about your personal life and problems to a bunch of strangers. Sometimes people find it easier talking to strangers, it's less scary and has less of an impact on people in 'the real world'. I think your husband does care and love you, which is why he's seeking help. If he didn't care he would have left already, and he still found good things to say about you through the fog he was in while posting.

 

I'm not sure I have an advice, other than to speak to him and get this out in the open, tell him you read what he said here... If you're both strong enough I'd print his post out and sit with it at you at a table, with a pen. You can separate out what the salient points are that are genuinely bothering him and what he acknowledges was just a rant in the heat of the moment. You can get a much clearer, better idea of what he actually thinks and feels. But this may be extremely difficult to do for the two of you so I would recommend doing it in the presence of a third party such as a relationship counsellor. Otherwise I think in 99% of cases it might dissolve into a furious row.

 

This is a painful blow to you but you've been given a gift, believe it or not. It will bring things to a head, and you are one of the rare few that has insight now into your spouse's darkest thoughts about the relationship, in most relationships this stuff never comes to light and one person ends up leaving when maybe it could have been salvaged if some difficult, painful truths had been shared. I understand you feeling that you need your side of the story to be heard too but I don't think you'll get many supportive comments, mostly because it's sorta a tactic acknowledgement I think that everybody who posts is ONLY posting their side of the story, and for every thread you see on there there's another person out there who has no idea they're being discussed or the content of the posts, so please don't think that a lot of strangers have been having a laugh at you or judging you without you being able to defend yourself. It's like that old saying hey, 'there are three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth'.

 

Best of luck and feel free to keep posting, perhaps you could make a new account so that you can post about your situation and get individual support without it being a tit for tat argument most posters don't want to take sides on. Just bear in mind that if your husband uses this forum too, well it's not a huge place, and it might not be as anonymous as you'd like it to be.

 

Take care.

[Anela]

I can relate to some of the things you've written, only I was mostly a hot mess due to how others were treating me. I don't believe that you were suicidal in order to gain attention, and I think that some of what has been said to you is unfair.

 

I also understand that worry and fear can come out as anger, and it's normal to feel some anger when your life is affected by someone else being in a bad state, even if it isn't your fault or theirs. I was angry and terrified when my mother was drunk every day, and we almost lost her. That was something she chose to do in order to deal with stress, and I felt that she'd got the important things out of the way (like seeing my sister get married), and then decided to fully take to drinking, because I wasn't worth ****. That isn't the case, but it certainly felt that way.

 

Did you and your husband each know that the other was registered on this forum? Or did you only just find out the other night?

[Anela]

tl, dr

 

My husband is a loving, responsible, well-rounded individual who provides well for our family and would still like to have a personal life. I on the other hand have a serious mental illness that causes me to emotionally manipulate the people I love by attempting suicide with the benzodiazapines that my dr. prescribed me for my mental condition. I also having a drug and alcohol problem and do not work or chip in on my share of housework. Since my husband cannot talk to me (because I'm a hot mess) he posted on the internet in hopes of finding someone who can give him advice on dealing with all of this. I found out and immediately went into victim mode instead of empathizing with my husband. However, everything is his fault be he knew before hand that I was emotionally unstable.

 

This is really unfair. I'm not going to go into my own personal experiences with this, because I'm too damned depressed right now, and am in no mood to be treated the way this woman has been. As you feel better, you do better, and having someone make you feel like a burden, accusing you of doing something for attention, and a number of other things, will only make things worse. Shame has no place here.

[LuciaLove]

This is a cruel and horrible post. I would report it but I don't know if it "violates the rules". Shame on you for writing this and shame on the person who liked it. It is ignorant and hateful. You believe his story 100% but want to attack and demean someone who is mentally unwell? Get some education about mental health and what the wrong meds can do to you. Medication can react in crazy ways. They are drugs after all and can alter personality and cause serious issues with certain people. Wow, terrible post. Even IF this poster was a troll writing such a terrible reply could cause so much harm to someone who was in a situation like this. I'm not saying Op is a trol I an just saying there is never a time for this sort of post.

 

OP, is this the same man you posted about in 2011?

 

I don't think anything should be posted online that you wouldn't want your SO to read. Not to say that you would show them but if they did find it would you stick by your words or be "oops" that may have been a little exaggerated. Or a lie.

 

Have you confronted him?

 

Forever Tainted thank you so much for your thoughtful words. I was just about to lose faith in humanity and then people like you step up. Thanks, yo.

 

You are absolutely right. I had just started a new type of antidepressant and had a concussion the week before and was just losing it. One of the side effects of antidepressants can be suicide. (Ironic)

 

The terrible post - I took it from the ignorance from which it came from. Sometimes people just don't understand.

 

Have I confronted him? Yes. We are actually doing quite well as usual - which you wouldn't know from our loveshack posts through the years but that's the problem: it only catches that one furious moment of absolute venting, which is never conducive to ACTUALLY resolving the problem.

 

We are madly (no pun intended) in love - we are quite "normal" usually. Just to give some more texture to our relationship other than fighting we, for example, went skydiving last weekend.

 

We have made a pact not to write any bad stuff about each other down, IRL or on public forums....because you know what makes it difficult? You can't delete them and then it sits forever in history like a sore and although there are some people who truly and sincerely want to help, there are also people that bring out the pitch forks and just really are judgmental out of their own ignorance.

[LuciaLove]

LuciaLove, I don't want to get involved in your situation, I just wanted to say that very often, LOTS of us post things on this forum that we would be mortified and devastated were our partners or spouses to see. The whole point of an online forum is you let it all out, usually when you're really in the middle of a terrible mood or something acute and awful has just happened (such as you being in the hospital). I purposefully don't have anybody who knows me in real life know this account on here, nor would I allow them to, even though I don't bash anybody. Just because I think posting here is my escape, it's for me, and it's for me to discuss things from my side of any relationship I may be having problems with.

 

So I'm sorry you stumbled across his postings, because it must have been horrendous to read, very upsetting and painful. Especially if you feel as though he's spoken about your personal life and problems to a bunch of strangers. Sometimes people find it easier talking to strangers, it's less scary and has less of an impact on people in 'the real world'. I think your husband does care and love you, which is why he's seeking help. If he didn't care he would have left already, and he still found good things to say about you through the fog he was in while posting.

 

I'm not sure I have an advice, other than to speak to him and get this out in the open, tell him you read what he said here... If you're both strong enough I'd print his post out and sit with it at you at a table, with a pen. You can separate out what the salient points are that are genuinely bothering him and what he acknowledges was just a rant in the heat of the moment. You can get a much clearer, better idea of what he actually thinks and feels. But this may be extremely difficult to do for the two of you so I would recommend doing it in the presence of a third party such as a relationship counsellor. Otherwise I think in 99% of cases it might dissolve into a furious row.

 

This is a painful blow to you but you've been given a gift, believe it or not. It will bring things to a head, and you are one of the rare few that has insight now into your spouse's darkest thoughts about the relationship, in most relationships this stuff never comes to light and one person ends up leaving when maybe it could have been salvaged if some difficult, painful truths had been shared. I understand you feeling that you need your side of the story to be heard too but I don't think you'll get many supportive comments, mostly because it's sorta a tactic acknowledgement I think that everybody who posts is ONLY posting their side of the story, and for every thread you see on there there's another person out there who has no idea they're being discussed or the content of the posts, so please don't think that a lot of strangers have been having a laugh at you or judging you without you being able to defend yourself. It's like that old saying hey, 'there are three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth'.

 

Best of luck and feel free to keep posting, perhaps you could make a new account so that you can post about your situation and get individual support without it being a tit for tat argument most posters don't want to take sides on. Just bear in mind that if your husband uses this forum too, well it's not a huge place, and it might not be as anonymous as you'd like it to be.

 

Take care.

 

Across the universe - I absolutely agree with you. Well said.

 

I am starting to realize he posted that at his worst moment - which I for one can only ask that he doesn't judge me for all the stupid things I do at MY worst moments. That being said, I did know that I knew and we had made a promise in 2011 not to post our relationship "stuff" on Loveshack...he happily enjoys the political forums so I didn't flinch when "Loveshack" kept popping up in search histories.

 

Reading the worst of yourself, and knowing some of it IS true - man, what a mind trip. Wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Not going to lie - it hurt. Badly.

 

Great suggestion on a marriage counselor going through the list of his grievances but we are actually muddling through it. We came up with some "action items" and perimeters. You wouldn't know it from the previous post but we are actually quite adept and functional.

 

Across the universe, you are absolutely right. This was an extreme gift. Having the unfiltered true feelings of your spouse about how they feel about you in front of you is a weird strange incredibly painful blessing, and I'm going to see it as that.

 

Thank you for the acknowledgement. Yes, there is knee jerk reaction to defend yourself - and even more so because you've been hurt, there's anger in the response as well. Thank you for your maturity in response ---- on the drive home today from work I was thinking "Why does SO hang out with these people? They are mean and make snap judgements...." but clearly I now see that there are balanced, inspirational, helpful calm help on Loveshack too.

 

Thank you again.

[LuciaLove]

This is really unfair. I'm not going to go into my own personal experiences with this, because I'm too damned depressed right now, and am in no mood to be treated the way this woman has been. As you feel better, you do better, and having someone make you feel like a burden, accusing you of doing something for attention, and a number of other things, will only make things worse. Shame has no place here.

 

Anela, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through depression too. Just know you're not alone. (and thank you for speaking something that was difficult to say with some fieriness - and making another's bad day a tiny bit better. Appreciate it.)

[LuciaLove]

I can relate to some of the things you've written, only I was mostly a hot mess due to how others were treating me. I don't believe that you were suicidal in order to gain attention, and I think that some of what has been said to you is unfair.

 

I also understand that worry and fear can come out as anger, and it's normal to feel some anger when your life is affected by someone else being in a bad state, even if it isn't your fault or theirs. I was angry and terrified when my mother was drunk every day, and we almost lost her. That was something she chose to do in order to deal with stress, and I felt that she'd got the important things out of the way (like seeing my sister get married), and then decided to fully take to drinking, because I wasn't worth ****. That isn't the case, but it certainly felt that way.

 

Did you and your husband each know that the other was registered on this forum? Or did you only just find out the other night?

 

Thank you Anela. You were right - I "just wanted to go to sleep" to stop my head from spinning out of control. Don't know if that makes any sense. Logically, the part that was logical in my brain at the time was thinking "there will be two outcomes: you will either go to sleep (no more pain) or finally someone will hear you asking for help (a cry for help to stop the pain).

 

My husband never said this on the post but I had told multiple people including my doctor, counselor and him that I'm in dire straights - that something was really wrong.

 

Even the night before I told him there was something very very wrong with my brain, I had stabbed myself with a fork (I NEVER EVER DID ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE BEFORE) and even with my brain being all muddled and weird I had a "oh s#$%: what is going on? this isn't right" moment.

 

That's the thing about mental illness is you are still a logical and rational human being there is just this landslide of pain that overwhelms those circuits in your brain.

 

Anela, I'm so sorry to hear how you were impacted by alcoholism and the suicide of your mother, and I cannot relate or even begin to pretend to understand the ferocity of the pain that must've caused you. I'm so sorry.