Best way to husband when he's angry

[atlg8r]

Everyone has bad days. My husband is an Army vet with PTSD, and when he has REALLY bad days, he can get pretty angry. He is never violent or threatening; he just vents with words. And his words are never hateful or hostile toward me or others; more along the lines of "I'm over this $h!t".

 

Like today, neither of us slept well. He had a really rough day at work - so busy he didn't even have time to eat lunch. Yesterday he cleaned the carpets in our house with a rented rug cleaner. When he got home from work today, he found one or both dogs had pooped and peed on the newly cleaned carpets. (I work a later schedule than he does so he gets home first.)

 

He's venting to me by text message, and I don't really know what to say or do to help. I apologized and said I would start closing all the upstairs doors (downstairs is wood) or I could get a baby gate to keep the dogs off the carpets when we are both gone.

 

I guess my question is for men - if you were angry after a day like this, what would you want your wife to say or do? Just leave you alone? I feel like I need to respond to his texts but anything I say will not be helpful.

 

We each brought one dog into the marriage, and it's hard to tell for sure which one is messing in the house. I'm guessing both - his dog isn't real good about going before I leave for work (even though I take them out twice). My dog is older and thus prob can't hold it all day.

 

I just feel badly that since he gets home first he always has to deal with any issue like that. Suggestions on how to be a supportive or helpful wife when he gets angry?

[compulsivedancer]

I struggle with these types of responses as well.

 

First off, is he receiving any treatment from his PTSD? It's not really fair for him to take it out on you. If he's getting help, that's one thing, but if he's not, that's the first thing you need to address.

 

As far as the dogs, an "I hear you" type of response can go a long way, as well as expressing your appreciation for him dealing with the messes. If there's a way to help manage the dogs so the messes don't occur, that might help, too. But if not, you're doing everything he can expect you to do.

 

Remember, his rants/vents are not about you. In fact, he probably doesn't mean to direct them at you. But it may not be a healthy way for him to deal with his anger.

[Candy_Pants]

My husband has PTDS also. I've found that what he really wants is to vent then be comforted. If I take the venting personally it turns into an argument. If I don't take it personally and instead hold his hand or hug him, his whole body relaxes and he is no longer angry. Upset, yes.

 

Also, have you considered crate training for the dogs? Done right, the dogs will love their crates and consider them a safe place (plus it keeps them off carpet and furniture and out of trouble).

[down hearted]

My husband has PTDS also. I've found that what he really wants is to vent then be comforted. If I take the venting personally it turns into an argument. If I don't take it personally and instead hold his hand or hug him, his whole body relaxes and he is no longer angry. Upset, yes.

 

Also, have you considered crate training for the dogs? Done right, the dogs will love their crates and consider them a safe place (plus it keeps them off carpet and furniture and out of trouble).

 

I agree with this, also if it gets too bad have him get treated for it. Regarding the dogs, i also agree with the above, crate training is excellent, i have 2 small dogs and they are completely 100% potty trained thanks to crate training since they don't go where they sleep and got used to going potty outside only. If you make it a habit for them to get used to their crates it helps with the potty part. I also have carpet and since day one that the dogs came to the house i started training them. Its never too late to train them, if they can't hold it then you need to crate them or have them in a tile area only while you are at work so it is easier to clean.

[atlg8r]

Thanks all. First, yes he does and has been receiving treatment for the PTSD. It's gotten so much better even in just the time that I've known him. He got out of the military in 2007 and started getting treatment the following year. I am grateful that he has never directed his hostility at me or at the animals....he just gets angry and needs to vent and stomp around the house for awhile. But the worst of the outbursts are so much fewer and farther between than when I first met him.

 

Our dogs are 5 and 13 years old. Both have been crate trained in the past, but have been pretty well-behaved for years, so neither of us continued crating them during the day. I guess we could consider a return to that; we have also considered closing all the bedroom doors or putting up a baby gate to the stairs since the downstairs is all tile/wood.

 

I tried to just be empathetic to him but sometimes feel that isn't enough or that it's sort of patronizing, you know? But it seems like that's what most people indicate is most helpful other than being there to help clean up or coming up with a way to avoid the problem in the first place.

 

I closed all the doors today when I left for work so hopefully that will help. My dog (13 y/o) is older so I am thinking I may need to take him to the vet to check him out health-wise. Our 5 y/o shepherd doesn't "need" to go that often, but on the days we are both out of the house for 8 hours, we need to find a way to train her to do her business before we leave. She has begun to think every time we go outside it is to play and not necessarily to do her business!

[Grumpybutfun]

Look, OP, as someone who served with men who had PTSD in the military I can just say this. It is not an excuse to behave poorly so if he is making you feel uncomfortable, that needs to be addressed when he is in a good place. His rants sound hostile and honestly spewing his garbage to you isn't healthy for your relationship or your mental health. You say they aren't but using the word "angry" denotes what you are saying or excusing. These things can cause depression and problems with marital communication. Many people feel they are walking on eggshells when they live with someone with PTSD. Do not have kids until he can get this under control. It is ok to rant occasionally but if it is enough that you feel the need to mention it, it is too much. He can get a journal or rant online like everyone else does. You don't need that negative energy in your life or your relationship.

Best,

Grumps

Edited August 13, 2014 by Grumpybutfun

[atlg8r]

Look, OP, as someone who served with men who had PTSD in the military I can just say this. It is not an excuse to behave poorly so if he is making you feel uncomfortable, that needs to be addressed when he is in a good place. His rants sound hostile and honestly spewing his garbage to you isn't healthy for your relationship or your mental health. You say they aren't but using the word "angry" denotes what you are saying or excusing. These things can cause depression and problems with marital communication. Many people feel they are walking on eggshells when they live with someone with PTSD. Do not have kids until he can get this under control. It is ok to rant occasionally but if it is enough that you feel the need to mention it, it is too much. He can get a journal or rant online like everyone else does. You don't need that negative energy in your life or your relationship.

Best,

Grumps

 

He can get very angry/frustrated about things beyond our control sometimes. It typically happens when things begin to pile on (for example, this day we had hardly slept, he had a terrible day at work and then came home to a mess). I think I'm pretty reasonable, and I don't think his outbursts are unreasonable. It's generally the "I'm so tired of this ____, I need a break" variety. I will say, he does seem to have runs of bad luck from time to time, and so I can see how it would get frustrating. He works really hard and has focused so much to improve his mental outlook after getting out of the military.

 

In general, he is extremely loving, never violent (I wouldn't stand for that), and typically great with communicating to me and listening in return.

 

I just know that men and women often have different needs and want to see if there is anything I as his wife could do better to support him. Some of that stems from my own self-inflicted guilt right now because I am 8.5 months pregnant and can do very little around the house to be helpful. He does most of the heavy cleaning, often helps or does entirely our laundry, does all the yardwork, etc.

 

He frequently tells me not to worry, that he understands I'm pregnant and not able to do much physically or be around cleaning chemicals, etc. He's even taken over the kitty litter duties, and he is not a huge cat fan.

 

Hope that helps shed some light. I have heard some real horror stories from other women married to vets with PTSD, and I feel very grateful that he recognized his issue and sought treatment on his own (before we even met).

[Grumpybutfun]

If you are pregnant then he really needs to back off ranting so angrily. Best thing to do is acknowledge you hear him and then change the subject to something positive. His ranting actually is exacerbating his feelings that he has bad luck so things he should be able to tolerate seems overwhelming. Instead of thinking that one bad thing is tolerable, he lumps everything bad as bad luck and it is overwhelming him. Negative breeds negative.

Best,

Grumps

[atlg8r]

If you are pregnant then he really needs to back off ranting so angrily. Best thing to do is acknowledge you hear him and then change the subject to something positive. His ranting actually is exacerbating his feelings that he has bad luck so things he should be able to tolerate seems overwhelming. Instead of thinking that one bad thing is tolerable, he lumps everything bad as bad luck and it is overwhelming him. Negative breeds negative.

Best,

Grumps

 

Yes, I agree with this. It is something he is trying to work on with his counselor. They just assigned him a new psych at the VA, so I am hopeful it will be a good change. I used to have the same problem of when one negative thing happened, I would dwell on all the negative things that had happened recently and it would make me feel worse.

 

We are planning to start exercising together once I have the baby and am cleared by the doc, and I am hopeful that will be a positive stress relief tool for him (and me). The good news is he is always wanting to improve himself and recognizes the issues he has in some areas.

[ForeverTainted]

Sometimes dogs need a refresher on not pooing in their space. For sure get the older one checked out. What breed of dog? 13 is quite old for some breeds.

 

Going potty. Often we take our dogs out until they go and then bring them in. This teaches them going means end of fun time. The best way and most effectice (though takes lots of patience) is to to take your dog on a leash and stand in one spot. Allow a reasonable amount of leash for them to sniff around but not so much they can play. Ignore them. Don't talk or engage play. Wait until they go. At first this can take a really long time. Don't give in. If they don't go walk home and put them in a crate. Take them out again 30 minutes later if you can or be prepared to clean up accidents. If it is morning andthey have eaten and you know they need to go never let them run and play first. As soon as they go praise them and if you can let them off the leash or run and have fun. This way you are changing the order of things. Poo stops meaning fun is done.

 

Hope that helps.