abusive aggressive husband

[YelloJane]

so when I try to have a conversation wit my husband about a topic he does not like or what not he gets really aggressive and gets really angry because he feels am telling him what to do which I am not. For instance, we were at this get together thing and I told him when we got home to just tone it down in the drinking because he was the only one drinking more than one beer and it looks bad, he isn't a drunk or anything but just a suggestion, he exploded on me things got so bad that he even threw our dog across the living room, the poor thing hurt one of his legs. I really want to get a divorce but it's so hard to make the decision since I do care about him and he isn't like this 24/7 but I'm sick of him going through these, he breaks stuff throws stuff and he has been abusive to me, he doesn't punch me but he has grabbed my face pushed me etc. I just don't want to have kids with a man like this if he did that to our 5 pound dog I don't doubt he will do the same to our future kids. I'm overwhelmed I want to just pack and go to my mom's but after our wedding and every thing am truly embarrassed to get a divorce and see everyone's face . It's hard walking away really hard, I asked him for counseling and of course he refused. I really don't want to leave I love him a lot but this is not the first time he has behaved this way, not first second or third. He feels really horrible after of course and he does not want a divorce at all, I just don't know what to do. After the incident he blamed me for the dog and says i made him do it, the dog was scared of him he didn't even want to look at my husband the poor thing. i just don't like this at all but i don't know what else to do, i also have no job, no money, no anything, i left everything to be with him. I have tried to find a job but no luck in this area.

Edited August 10, 2014 by YelloJane

[stillafool]

You insist that he go to counseling or you will leave. If you put up with this it will only get worse and sooner or later it will be you thrown across the room. Your poor doggie! He/she didn't even do anything to him. He was throwing the dog because it was really you he wanted to throw across the room. I can promise you it is only a matter of time before he lays hands on you (and not in a spiritual way). I say leave him, who cares what other people say or think. What do you think they will say when you start showing up with a black eye? Abusive men are always so, so sorry after they have done their dirt!

[YelloJane]

You insist that he go to counseling or you will leave. If you put up with this it will only get worse and sooner or later it will be you thrown across the room. Your poor doggie! He/she didn't even do anything to him. He was throwing the dog because it was really you he wanted to throw across the room. I can promise you it is only a matter of time before he lays hands on you (and not in a spiritual way). I say leave him, who cares what other people say or think. What do you think they will say when you start showing up with a black eye? Abusive men are always so, so sorry after they have done their dirt!

 

it's so hard to walk away, I had a nervous break down before where I couldn't control shaking my arms I was In the floor and i couldn't talk or anything my neck was completely stiff to one side and it was really scary he got so scared and felt awful. that never happened to me before I couldn't control my twitching, this was during a fight we had, he pushed me so hard I fell on the floor, I then started to get really shaky and it was weird I was breathing really hard and it was just difficult for me to breath during the nervous break down I had i just broke down, he had to hold me the whole night to try to hold me down on the shaking eventually I fell asleep and I woke up and passed, i am ashamed that I have to face my family after the big wedding we had or what not, and I don't know how to walk away or what steps to take i have no money no anything for a divorce I don't even know how that works.

[ExpatInItaly]

Think of how much worse you're going to feel when he one day throws your child around instead of that poor dog. How will you feel when your child is holding her face and crying because Daddy hit her? You have the opportunity right now to prevent this horrible future. Because it will happen. He refuses any help so it will get worse.

 

It doesn't mean sh*t that he's not abusive all the time - most abusers aren't. He is like that some of the time, and that is far too much. Your family needs to know the truth about your abuser. To hell with a big wedding. I am sure they are going to be far more concerned about you than money spent. Don't protect him, as he doesn't protect you. Find a women's shelter if you need to. Get the hell away from him, and start looking at your options. Are you currently working? You need to start to make a plan to support yourself, whatever your future holds.

 

Your husband is a woman and animal abuser. That is trash in my eyes. Either trash gets help, or you take the trash to the curb.

[bathtub-row]

It's like all these guys read from the same script. It's completely boring. Yes, he's boring and his antics are boring.

 

You know what? The "but I love him" story doesn't fly. Neither does the "I'm embarrassed to get a divorce" thing fly either. Really?? You're staying with an animal and people abuser because of those things?

 

You might love an axe murderer, too, but that's no reason to stay.

 

Get the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft and it'll open your eyes to the games your idiotic husband is playing with you. One thing I can tell your right this moment -- you're being abuse 24/7. You know why? Because you're constantly walking on eggshells, wondering when he's going to blow up again.

[veggirl]

it's so hard to walk away, I had a nervous break down before where I couldn't control shaking my arms I was In the floor and i couldn't talk or anything my neck was completely stiff to one side and it was really scary he got so scared and felt awful. that never happened to me before I couldn't control my twitching, this was during a fight we had, he pushed me so hard I fell on the floor, I then started to get really shaky and it was weird I was breathing really hard and it was just difficult for me to breath during the nervous break down I had i just broke down, he had to hold me the whole night to try to hold me down on the shaking eventually I fell asleep and I woke up and passed, i am ashamed that I have to face my family after the big wedding we had or what not, and I don't know how to walk away or what steps to take i have no money no anything for a divorce I don't even know how that works.

 

why can't you (AND THE DOG) move back to everything you left behind? don't you have family? i'm sure they will front you bus/plane/whatever fare when you explain he not only physically abuses a helpless pup but ALSO YOU.

 

why the eff are you making excuses for this stupid loser?

 

how long did you know him before you married him, i mean was there REALLY no sign of this before you got married?!?

 

go to a church or something for help, or a battered women's shelter, SERIOUSLY.

 

do you really want help? are you ACTUALLY willing to take action?

 

if not, then the only advice i have for you is stop bringing up things that your husband doesn't like you talking about. i mean seriously, it's leave or live w/ it. if you want to live w/ it and "work on it" then please at least try to re-home that poor dog.

[Poppygoodwill]

Do you live in a country that has women's shelters? They always have help lines and stuff online you can fidn to give you a sense of how to get yourself out of there. It's not easy; battered women often leave and return many times, struggling to break the cycle. But it can be done. And must.

 

Abuse is a thing that escalates. it gets worse with time. You've already seen it. It's the first time he's thrown you down.... it's the first time he's thrown the dog...There's always another 'first time' to come.

 

I know that some families blame women for abuse suffered at the hands of your husband. And maybe you're unlucky enough to be one of those women. However, assuming you aren't....don't you think your parents and family would care less about your wedding, and more about having you safe and sound

, if they knew what you are going through?

[stillafool]

it's so hard to walk away, I had a nervous break down before where I couldn't control shaking my arms I was In the floor and i couldn't talk or anything my neck was completely stiff to one side and it was really scary he got so scared and felt awful. that never happened to me before I couldn't control my twitching, this was during a fight we had, he pushed me so hard I fell on the floor, I then started to get really shaky and it was weird I was breathing really hard and it was just difficult for me to breath during the nervous break down I had i just broke down, he had to hold me the whole night to try to hold me down on the shaking eventually I fell asleep and I woke up and passed, i am ashamed that I have to face my family after the big wedding we had or what not, and I don't know how to walk away or what steps to take i have no money no anything for a divorce I don't even know how that works.

 

You should see a doctor about this condition but definitely not give credit to the man that caused it - your husband. Do you have a job? If not, why not? When you rely on people financially they think they can tell you what to do and control your life. The first thing you need to do is get a job, then get out of there. You don't have a child yet do you? Get out and get to work it will be good for your finances as well as your mind. Who cares what other people think? If you continue to let him abuse you you will start to age faster than normal and people will be able to look at you and know what's going on. Leave while you can. No excuses.

[stillafool]

if you want to live w/ it and "work on it" then please at least try to re-home that poor dog.

 

I completely agree with this. The dog has no choice in the matter, you do.

[Grumpybutfun]

Anyone throws my dog better run far, far away. Animal abuse is just criminal and your husband is horrid. If you won't get help, find a home for your dog. That dog can't leave, you can. Embarrassment is an illogical reason to stay with an abuser.

Leave now, it will get worse,

Grumps

[YelloJane]

i told him i want a divorce, he won't stop begging me, i told him the dog is coming with me. He felt awful about it, he keeps asking me for another chance, i am ready to move on, he keeps telling me that i don't care that this is what you wanted blah blah, trying to make me feel guilty then he tells me he loves me a lot he doesn't want a divorce to please please not do this, i told him i don't care if i have no money or a job, or that i have to stay at my parents, i want a divorce and the puppy is coming with me. He is super against it, i am worried he won't even let me leave let alone take the dog, i adore that dog and he goes wherever i go and i refuse to leave him with him. I don't want to leave and then have to be present to talk about divorce or what not i really don't know how this works.

 

He is prolonging everything i want out and i want out now, i had it i can still be happy on my own and still manage, its hard but am not scared, i don't want to be in this marriage anymore, but he is not making it easier to leave and i leave so freaking far from everything and everyone. My car is here i can't ship it no money so it will have to stay here i have nothing just my dog and credit cards on my name which is my only escape.

 

i need help in what steps to take for divorce i am clueless i don't know anybody that has been divorced or anything of the matter, i don't have the money for a lawyer, he won't let me get a divorce though, he will try to beg me not too. What should i do i need some guidance am desperate.

[CaliGypsy]

Have you told your parents? If you were my daughter and in an abusive situation, I'd want you (and the dog) to come home.

[Hope Shimmers]

What is wrong with you!?!?!?!?

 

Why did you put up with this crap?

 

He threw a tiny dog against a wall and you still think he's redeemable? Who are you kidding???

 

I wish I knew where you/he lived because I would break down your door and rescue that poor dog who never asked for owners who do not care!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[YelloJane]

What is wrong with you!?!?!?!?

 

Why did you put up with this crap?

 

He threw a tiny dog against a wall and you still think he's redeemable? Who are you kidding???

 

I wish I knew where you/he lived because I would break down your door and rescue that poor dog who never asked for owners who do not care!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

wow hold on, i do care a lot about my dog i am with him 24/7 and look after him very well he grabbed him from me!! I never said he was redeemable, did you even read my last post?

[bathtub-row]

i told him i want a divorce, he won't stop begging me, i told him the dog is coming with me. He felt awful about it, he keeps asking me for another chance, i am ready to move on, he keeps telling me that i don't care that this is what you wanted blah blah, trying to make me feel guilty then he tells me he loves me a lot he doesn't want a divorce to please please not do this, i told him i don't care if i have no money or a job, or that i have to stay at my parents, i want a divorce and the puppy is coming with me. He is super against it, i am worried he won't even let me leave let alone take the dog, i adore that dog and he goes wherever i go and i refuse to leave him with him. I don't want to leave and then have to be present to talk about divorce or what not i really don't know how this works.

 

He is prolonging everything i want out and i want out now, i had it i can still be happy on my own and still manage, its hard but am not scared, i don't want to be in this marriage anymore, but he is not making it easier to leave and i leave so freaking far from everything and everyone. My car is here i can't ship it no money so it will have to stay here i have nothing just my dog and credit cards on my name which is my only escape.

 

i need help in what steps to take for divorce i am clueless i don't know anybody that has been divorced or anything of the matter, i don't have the money for a lawyer, he won't let me get a divorce though, he will try to beg me not too. What should i do i need some guidance am desperate.

 

Dear girl, I'd sugget you get yourself out of this victim mode you're in like right now and realize that you need to be very, very careful about what you say to this man because he is extremely dangerous. Abusers are especially dangerous when they know are about to be left.

 

I'd suggest that you stop talking to him about divorce immediately and let him think that he has talked you into staying. Then, if nothing else, get your dog out of the house pronto or he will end up dead. Abusive people love to teach a lesson by destroying the things you love.

 

If you think all his BS about being sorry for his actions and how he loves you actually means something, it doesn't. Your husband's behavior is way over the top and that's why I know he's dangerous. His act of violence with the dog was basically a message to you - it was a (not so) subtle threat to show you what he's capable of. Not only that, it was a test to see how far he could push you. There is no fix for this man and there are no magic words or actions on your part that will fix anything. He is 100% broken and 100% unfixable. The reason for that is because he actually gets a high off of controlling people. It's a drug to him that he refuses to give up.

 

The minute he's out of your sight, make your exit from that place. Pack your things and get the hell out. Someday you're going to look back and understand why I believe this man is so dangerous.

 

And I agree with he other poster. The minute someone abuses my pet, he had better run far, far away.

 

Lastly, NO ONE, especially a spouse, has any control over whether you divorce or not. Why do I continually hear this from women? Is it not understood that you're a free individual who can do whatever you want? But don't even worry about divorce right now. Your first priority is to sneak away from this man as soon as possible. If that becomes impossible, call you mom and dad, explain the situation to them and ask them to come pick you up, or call the cops to do the same thing. Then get in the car with your pup and disappear.

[aussietigerwolf]

This based on Australia but anyway... Go to a police station and tell them everything. They will find you a womens shelter and the women at the shelter will help you get your stuff and contact your family.

[snappytomcat]

if anyone threw any animal in my prescence,they would have hell to pay,op please give them dog away to a loving home first off,then get away from him he sound very abusive

[bathtub-row]

wow hold on, i do care a lot about my dog i am with him 24/7 and look after him very well he grabbed him from me!! I never said he was redeemable, did you even read my last post?

 

I'm sure you do care about your dog but I think the perception here is based on how most people would react in that situation -- which would be to walk away from that person without thinking twice about it after such an event. Probably to even beat the crap out of them if the opportunity arose. So, the perspective is a little different.

 

Because you're in an abused relationship, you're somewhat hysterically bonded to this man and it will take all of your willpower to leave him and to cut him out of your life forever from that moment on. For your own sake, I hope you will be strong and I hope you will be able to remove the veil that's still somewhat there and see him for the monster that he is.

[ExpatInItaly]

wow hold on, i do care a lot about my dog i am with him 24/7 and look after him very well he grabbed him from me!! I never said he was redeemable, did you even read my last post?

 

OP. I don't think anyone here doubts you care about your dog. But the bottom line is that the poor thing is not safe in your home. Find him a different home that is free of animal abuse, because your home is not.

[amaysngrace]

Did you take your dog to the vet? You need to get documentation that your dog is injured because of this man.

 

File a police report or something if you didn't take your pup for treatment.

 

Take pictures of anything that he has broken or damaged in your home as well.

 

You are heading for divorce and any evidence that you gather and can present before a judge will only work in your favor.

[stillafool]

i told him i want a divorce, he won't stop begging me, i told him the dog is coming with me. He felt awful about it, he keeps asking me for another chance, i am ready to move on, he keeps telling me that i don't care that this is what you wanted blah blah, trying to make me feel guilty then he tells me he loves me a lot he doesn't want a divorce to please please not do this, i told him i don't care if i have no money or a job, or that i have to stay at my parents, i want a divorce and the puppy is coming with me. He is super against it, i am worried he won't even let me leave let alone take the dog, i adore that dog and he goes wherever i go and i refuse to leave him with him. I don't want to leave and then have to be present to talk about divorce or what not i really don't know how this works.

 

He is prolonging everything i want out and i want out now, i had it i can still be happy on my own and still manage, its hard but am not scared, i don't want to be in this marriage anymore, but he is not making it easier to leave and i leave so freaking far from everything and everyone. My car is here i can't ship it no money so it will have to stay here i have nothing just my dog and credit cards on my name which is my only escape.

 

i need help in what steps to take for divorce i am clueless i don't know anybody that has been divorced or anything of the matter, i don't have the money for a lawyer, he won't let me get a divorce though, he will try to beg me not too. What should i do i need some guidance am desperate.

 

The first thing you do is put the car up for sale. Use the money to move home to your parents with the dog. File for divorce. You don't have to talk to him about anything. Let the divorce papers do the talking.

[Poppygoodwill]

i agree with the other poster....abusive men are their most dangerous when you leave them. They get desperate. I am in no way trying to dissaude you from leaving. But you need to be strategic and carefully plan it out and get away when he is not there. If you call a women's shelter they will help you make a plan. You can go online and google it; you can find lots of advice. Here's a first list: How to Get Out of an Abusive Relationship: 14 Steps

[Hope Shimmers]

OP. I don't think anyone here doubts you care about your dog. But the bottom line is that the poor thing is not safe in your home. Find him a different home that is free of animal abuse, because your home is not.

 

OP, caring about your dog is not just a feeling; it's a responsibility. Any innocent animal or child in a situation that is violent is helpless to get out of it and depends on their owner to keep them safe. You are that person and you have an obligation to do that. That is what "caring about your dog" means. Matters not at all if you spend every second with him if you don't take action after someone threw him against the wall to absolutely NEVER let it happen again.

 

Any person that can do something like that to an innocent creature is evil through and through. Nothing less. Get away from him!

 

I do understand that you may be in a sort of hysterical bonding thing with this jerk of a man, but you need to do whatever it takes and get whatever help it takes to GET AWAY from him before he escalates. You can do it - please stop acting helpless because you are not. You do not need his permission to divorce him and you never need to speak to him again. Go to the police, a women's shelter, enlist help from friends/family, whatever... but DO it.

[veggirl]

Why are you even telling him you want to leave?!? You don't need his permission!! Make your plans in secret and when he is at work or the store or whatever, get your dog and GO! Quit discussing it with him.