dml430 Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 Hello everyone. I'm new (obviously) and came across the boards while hoping to gain some insight to my situation and hope you all can help me. I've been married less than a year. Before marriage, we did live apart. The house is in my name. But that isn't why I am here. I am trying to gain insight into his sexual needs. Obviously he is the one to ask, but when he keeps things a secret and get angry when I ask, I figure maybe someone else may be able to explain to me what he cannot. Only a few months into our courtship, I found out he had messaged people on Craigslist, looking to hook up with these people. When I found out (yes, I was in the wrong for going through his email but he told me I could), I expressed my hurt. He denied everything. I then pulled them up, and he said he didn't send those messages. Next summer, I found out he had joined one of those Web cam sites in which you can pay girls to do different stunts. He paid over $200 for this site - when we were averaging sex about once every two weeks. When I asked about this, he said it's a way for him to get off since he is too sore from work to have sex with me. Next thing I found out is that when I went to train for a job in another city, he came along for the day trip. This day included him 1. Emailing people on Craigslist in this city and 2. Going to the adult theater. When I was done with training, I asked what he did all day. He said nothing much. Just napped in the car, had lunch. While reaching to put something in the back seat, I found the ticket stub for the adult theater. Suspicions arose and I pulled up his email from my phone and found the emails. I asked him if he did anything else, he said no. I asked him about the theater and he denied it until I showed him the ticket stub. He then asked what I expected him to do all day. I was completely confused by this, as I never asked him to come out with me for the 3 hour drive. We later had a discussion about this and I told him it's unacceptable. If he wants other women he needed to tell me. It was only 3 months before the wedding. We still had time to call it off. He said no, this is what he wants. Fast forward to January of this year. I found out he is on a BDSM website. Not a big deal - except he is messaging tons of other women. One message he had sent was the day before our wedding. He said to someone, "have you ever been about to do something you know is wrong?" The message was never followed up on. He has never expressed any interest in BDSM to me. Admittedly, my sexual experience is limited. I've told him I'm open to trying anything. He has never tried. When I found out about this last website, and how he had been an active member for 9 months or so, I confronted him. I told him I don't feel good enough for him. No matter what I do, I find out he's been looking for other women. He got so pissed off, he punched the wall. Afterward, he told me he's never looking for someone real. He's just insecure and he has his own issues. Now, when I originally found out about him and the Yahoo messenger and this website, I internalized it. I pulled away. I feel absolutely unattractive to him. Finally he questioned me (after about a week) and I broke down crying that I didn't feel good enough for him. For a couple months or so, things were okay. But for the past two months, the sex has been extremely limited (once every one to two weeks). I have tried initiating and he complains he's sore. Even just trying a slow, passionate kiss he will tell me he's tired. Should I just throw in the towel? I don't believe he is physically cheating but I refuse to check emails anymore. I've told him that I don't feel like I'm good enough if he constantly is going back to trying to find some sort of connection on the Internet. And obviously I don't feel attractive if the sex is so severely limited. Sorry this has been so long. Any insight and/or things to consider would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for reading through this. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 He's been doing this a long time, it seems. What sort of consequences did you put in place? Have you suggested counselling? If he's resistant to trying to repair this (and it doesn't seem he's interested in stopping his quest to seek out others for sex) then yes, I would throw in the towel and end the marriage. It isn't going to get better without some serious, long-term help. Don't waste your younger years on some lying clown who can't keep it in his pants. Also, don't believe him when he claims it's because he's insecure or sore from work. Please. You know he lies to you about this. Take everything he says with a giant boulder of salt. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 You have caught him many, many times behaving in some way inappropriately. He has sexual desires he won't share with you despite you trying your best. I am really impressed (or saddened) you've stuck it out this long. You are young and he doesn't want sex with you because he is sore from work? Come on! I not only think he is unwilling to change, I honestly don't believe you turn him on. Sorry, this isn't your fault. He looks at you and you don't do it for him. Why stay? if he doesn't fancy you what's the point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 I think you know the answer, but to confirm, yes, you should be concerned. He is cheating by most peoples' standards and is not being up front with you. If he is willing to go to counseling, I'd say its a must. But for yourself, go and be prepared for the counselor's advise. best of luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
leavesonautumn Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 I'm sorry you're going through this, I can imagine how confused you are. Honestly, you can do so much better, you don't deserve any of it. Based on his track record, it's only a matter of time before he cheats on you physically. Are you willing to stick around for that? Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 Did you expect marriage to change him? I'm confused as to why you married him, was it arranged? Is it too late for an annulment? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 I don't believe he is physically cheating but I refuse to check emails anymore. Were he searching online for chess partners, would you guess that he hasn't played with anyone yet ? People troll hook-up sites for sex partners, something your husband has been doing for a while. So he's obviously had physical affairs with multiple partners. Up to you to decide how this fits into your marriage. You should also address the obvious health consequences... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 I find it so sad that he is the one who is - by anyone's standards - behaving inappropriately for a married person - and yet you are interpreting this as a problem that you have. That you are not attractive enough. The thing is, it has nothing to do with you. This is who he is. This is who he was before you married him. You either didn't know it, or saw the signs but didn't interpret them properly. Either way: it's him. But all that aside, the important thing - the critical thing - is that you are not able to trust him. It honestly doens't matter whether he's slept with someone or not. Whether it's straight sex or kinky sex or online sex. You don't trust him. You don't know what's coming. You don't know what he's capable of. You don't know what shock you'll find in the inbox. You can't be married to someone you distrust and be happy. It's just not possible. YOu will always been on pins and needles and that is no way to live, which is how you found your way here. One of two things has to happen. he has to change his behaviour to the reality that he is a married man and there are rules and limits and he must respect them and respect you. If he can't do that, then the other option is that you leave him. Cut your losses. Chalk it up to experience. The fact that gets angry at you and cuts you off from intimacy (he's "sore") doesn't give me a lot of hope that he's willing or interested in changing. If I were you, I'd insist on marriage counselling, if for no other reason than to find out who he really is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 He sounds very sick and twisted, if you ask me. I think the reason he doesn't want to have sex with you very often is because in his warped way of thinking, it's only forbidden sex that he's interested in. Seeking out strangers is a whole other level of darkness. People like this scare me a lot. They are quite capable of anything and often marry so that they have a cover. Women aren't turning up dead in your area, are they? Is there a serial rapist in the area that the cops can't seem to catch? Maybe that sounds extreme but I wouldn't put anything past him at this point. His behavior is very dark and disturbing. I think you need to make an exit plan and move out. Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 This is who he is. Exactly! That single sentence says it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dml430 Posted August 11, 2014 Author Share Posted August 11, 2014 I do not doubt him when he says he is sore. He does work a physically demanding job and does work insane hours seasonally. I do not question this one bit - his job is about an hour away and he drives with a family member. For full disclosure, I have incredibly low self esteem. I was molested as a kid and he told me, "no one will ever love you like I will." It screwed with me. Years later, a partner told me, "I have a mental disorder, that'd why I cannot get hard. It's not cause you're ugly or anything." Those two things have always stuck with me. I know it's something I should get over but.. easier said than done, I suppose. It was not an arranged marriage. I guess it all just goes back to low self esteem and thinking it's my only shot. And truthfully, I guess the reason I've never really held him to it is because I worry I come off as insecure. There are moments when I realize that the reason I am insecure in this relationship is because of the online trolling that I know about. But, had I not been insecure in the first place, I would not have snooped. So I guess that's what my mind keeps going back to. Ugh. Why did I get myself in this mess? If we did go to counseling and it could not be worked out, how badly would it affect me? House and a timeshare are in my name. I pay for both myself. He pays two household bills that total about $40/mo. I pay for gas which can vary between 35-300/mo. He also pays for cable. I also pay for groceries and my prior debt and he pays his student loans. We maintain separate accounts. We each have separate vehicles and insurance. He makes about 15k less than I do. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 If we did go to counseling and it could not be worked out, how badly would it affect me? I'd say, based on the info below, not very much. Why am I not surprised that you're paying most of the bills ??? House and a timeshare are in my name. I pay for both myself. He pays two household bills that total about $40/mo. I pay for gas which can vary between 35-300/mo. He also pays for cable. I also pay for groceries and my prior debt and he pays his student loans. We maintain separate accounts. We each have separate vehicles and insurance. He makes about 15k less than I do. No matter how you rationalize this, two things are true: 1). He doesn't seem very interested in sex with you 2). He seems very interested in sex with other random partners. This has noting to do with how you look and/or feel about yourself and everything to do with him being a creepy sleazeball. This isn't how one treats the partner they committed to. Would hope you'd agree you deserve better than this... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 At some point you have to admit to yourself that this is and will probably always be a part of him. If it was a one time thing and he admitted it, that would one thing. This is not that one thing. Link to post Share on other sites
PerfectStorm Posted August 12, 2014 Share Posted August 12, 2014 I'd say, based on the info below, not very much. Why am I not surprised that you're paying most of the bills ??? No matter how you rationalize this, two things are true: 1). He doesn't seem very interested in sex with you 2). He seems very interested in sex with other random partners. This has noting to do with how you look and/or feel about yourself and everything to do with him being a creepy sleazeball. This isn't how one treats the partner they committed to. Would hope you'd agree you deserve better than this... Mr. Lucky Amen!!!!!!! What he said!! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Link to post Share on other sites
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