Tips for getting spouse to do things?

[dogeared]

Does anyone have any tips on how to get your spouse to do things without nagging?

 

 

I don't want to make it sound like my husband never does anything to help out, but over the course of our marriage there are a few things he has started to do (or stopped doing) that really bug me, and it seems like the number of these types of things is increasing.

 

 

My question is kind of general, which is why I opened with it, but some specific examples include:

 

 

1. The first thing is the dishes. When we first lived together we had roommates and he made a huge stink about how annoying it was that none of the roommates ever wiped off their dishes, etc. with a sponge before putting them in the dishwasher, and so things never actually got clean. He also made a huge deal about the right way to load the dishwasher. Now that it's just the two of us he has gotten really bad - it was a very slow decline.

 

 

At first he was still great at loading the dishwasher; eventually I started noticing that 1/2 - 3/4 of the dishes would have to be put back in the sink when I was unloading because they had food stuck all over them. Recently it's gotten even worse - there is no rhyme or reason to how he loads the dishwasher, so I often have to rearrange everything in order to make room for more dishes so that it actually makes sense to run it.

 

 

I didn't think it could get any worse than that, but it did - he actually stopped running the dishwasher. When it gets full when it is his turn to do the dishes, instead of putting soap in and starting it, he just leaves it - and he will just let new dirty dishes pile up in the sink and on the counter until either I run it or I specifically ask him (while he is actually standing next to the dishwasher) to run it.

 

 

It has gotten so bad, and it is such a marked difference from a few years ago that I actually feel like he is intentionally doing this to make me wash the dishes 100% of the time.

 

 

2. The next thing that he stopped doing was putting his clothes away. He leaves them unfolded, piled up on the dining room table after he pulls them out of the washer.

 

 

3. Since I am pregnant he insists that I not clean the bathrooms, that he will do it. So, not one of the bathrooms in our house has been cleaned since before we found out I was pregnant. I've asked him several times to clean to the bathrooms because they are disgusting and he says he will, but has not.

 

 

4. Whenever he accepts an invitation from one of his friends or family members that is either a potluck or a dinner out that they say we should pick the restaurant, his assumption is that I will take care of everything - deciding what to bring, buying the groceries, cooking something, or else choosing the restaurant and making the reservation. If I say I want to go to a specific place and H does not want to go there, instead of saying "I'd rather try someplace new, so I'll find a place and take care of it" he will say "No, I want to try someplace new" which means "You find someplace new". And he gets mad at me if I say then he should find a place to suggest. Then he will not ever do it because apparently it is too much effort for him to do some Googling to find a place he wants to go to, but it is not too much effort for me to do all the searching until I find something he feels like trying.

 

 

5. He stopped taking out the trash.

Edited August 4, 2014 by dogeared

[GorillaTheater]

Are there any chores he doesn't mind doing? My wife and I don't divide the chores down the middle; we each do the things we either enjoy or at least hate doing less than the other.

 

For example, my routine is to load the dishwasher the night before and unload it in the morning while I'm waiting for the coffee to brew. It's primarily on me to keep the kitchen clean. On the other hand, I hate messing with laundry and folding clothes, so my wife does it. Or drafts the kids to do it.

 

Would anything like that work in your house?

[dogeared]

Are there any chores he doesn't mind doing? My wife and I don't divide the chores down the middle; we each do the things we either enjoy or at least hate doing less than the other.

 

For example, my routine is to load the dishwasher the night before and unload it in the morning while I'm waiting for the coffee to brew. It's primarily on me to keep the kitchen clean. On the other hand, I hate messing with laundry and folding clothes, so my wife does it. Or drafts the kids to do it.

 

Would anything like that work in your house?

I think this is possibly where some of my frustration is coming from - we have had an agreement about chores established and I feel like he is slacking and slowly trying to push his responsibilities onto me.

 

 

H has not cleaned a bathroom since we started living together because he does not like cleaning bathrooms. But if he doesn't want me to do it, then he needs to do it, and he is not.

 

 

H does not like cooking, so I do 99% of the cooking, and he is supposed to do the dishes.

 

 

H comes from a home where his mother worked part time out of the home and waited hand and foot on the entire family. His father has always been able to get up in the morning when he needs to to do what he wants to do/go to work, and has never had to do a thing once he is home from work - not even get his own drink. I feel like he has some unspoken, possibly subconscious belief that I should be like his mother.

 

 

Even though this is the U.S., in the 21st century, and I work more hours than he does.

Edited August 4, 2014 by dogeared

[central]

It sounds like he's gone downhill substantially when it comes to maintaining the household. He doesn't even do things in his own time, when he has agreed to do them.

 

Two things come to mind to address this. First, when he actually does do what he said he would, praise him for complying. Ignore everything else.

 

Second, are there tasks that you do that benefit him only, or that can be done so that they only benefit you and not him? For example, if the unfolded clothes pile bothers you, fold them and put them away, but then don't do some other task that mainly benefits him. If he asks, tell him that you didn't have time and energy for it because you did his task for him instead. Don't complain or chastize him - just be matter of fact so he can't get defensive and start an argument.

 

Other things you can do: if you do the cooking, cook only things you like, nothing he likes. Only do laundry for yourself, because if you do his you'll have to fold it and put it away, and that's too much extra work for you. If necessary, hire a housecleaner to do the essentials like bathrooms - if he doesn't want to spend the money, he may actually do the task himself since you can't. Maybe leave the dirty dishes in the sink, and use paper plates and disposable utensils.

Edited August 4, 2014 by central

[sabre80]

Something I realize as I get older, is that men are like puppy dogs (I say this as a man). Everyone is different of course but what really motivates me to putting in more effort is the attention I get afterwards. I do some laundry and my fiance treats me like a hero. She showers me with praise. When she needs something done she does not demand or bark orders at me but phrases it like I would be rescuing her if I got x done. I realize she is manipulating me. She knows I know she is manipulating me. But she does it in a way that makes me feel happy to help. And her post chore praise is like a scratch behind the ear. My tail wags and my foot goes crazy. Never once have I thought she was nagging me.

 

This works for us because if you were to view the chores as 50/50 we each put in 60/60. Sometimes you both reach an impasse of resentment. You are angry at him for not doing x, and he wont do x because you didn't do y. You can stay resentful at each other, but often all it takes to break the 0%/0% is for one to just suck it up and do something nice. Pay attention for something he does nice for you. ANYTHING nice not just chores. Then shower him with praise for doing it nice. Hit him with so much gratitude then see if he pushes it further then reciprocate.

[clia]

Have you actually sat down and discussed this with him?

 

If you have already talked to him and nothing has changed, I might be inclined to get a little passive aggressive about it.

 

At first he was still great at loading the dishwasher; eventually I started noticing that 1/2 - 3/4 of the dishes would have to be put back in the sink when I was unloading because they had food stuck all over them. Recently it's gotten even worse - there is no rhyme or reason to how he loads the dishwasher, so I often have to rearrange everything in order to make room for more dishes so that it actually makes sense to run it.

 

I didn't think it could get any worse than that, but it did - he actually stopped running the dishwasher. When it gets full when it is his turn to do the dishes, instead of putting soap in and starting it, he just leaves it - and he will just let new dirty dishes pile up in the sink and on the counter until either I run it or I specifically ask him (while he is actually standing next to the dishwasher) to run it.

 

If its his job to do the dishes, then you should stop doing them for him. Why would he do it if you will do it? Let the dishwasher sit and don't run it. Let the dishes pile up in the sink. I know this might drive you crazy, but try to ignore it. If you run out of dishes for cooking, order a pizza or other take out or just make sandwiches or have cereal for dinner. Tell him you can't cook because there are no clean dishes. Or use paper plates and plastic silverware.

 

You might also suggest that since he does not seem to want to do the dishes, that you will switch chores with him. He can cook and you will do the dishes.

 

2. The next thing that he stopped doing was putting his clothes away. He leaves them unfolded, piled up on the dining room table after he pulls them out of the washer.

 

Does he have anywhere in the house that is primarily "his" or that he primarily uses? For example, office space, a man cave type room, a bathroom, etc.? If so, I would pick up the pile of unfolded clothes off the dining room table and put it there.

 

3. Since I am pregnant he insists that I not clean the bathrooms, that he will do it. So, not one of the bathrooms in our house has been cleaned since before we found out I was pregnant. I've asked him several times to clean to the bathrooms because they are disgusting and he says he will, but has not.

 

Hire a maid to clean one bathroom for you to use.

 

4. Whenever he accepts an invitation from one of his friends or family members that is either a potluck or a dinner out that they say we should pick the restaurant, his assumption is that I will take care of everything - deciding what to bring, buying the groceries, cooking something, or else choosing the restaurant and making the reservation. If I say I want to go to a specific place and H does not want to go there, instead of saying "I'd rather try someplace new, so I'll find a place and take care of it" he will say "No, I want to try someplace new" which means "You find someplace new". And he gets mad at me if I say then he should find a place to suggest. Then he will not ever do it because apparently it is too much effort for him to do some Googling to find a place he wants to go to, but it is not too much effort for me to do all the searching until I find something he feels like trying.

 

Just stop doing this. If it's his friends/family, he should figure it out. Play dumb and resist the urge to take charge. He lets you handle it...because you always do. So, stop doing it. If he says that you two need to pick a restaurant, say "That's nice, wherever you want to go is fine with me." If he says you need to bring a dish, just say "That's nice." And don't do anything. If you are contacted, tell them to talk to your husband.

 

5. He stopped taking out the trash.

 

Let it sit or put it in the garage until he figures it out.

[Damia]

Well done dogeared for noticing this early in your relationship. In my case I didn't catch on until too late.

 

The posters above have given some excellent ideas and I'm sure a combination of them will work. I like clia's the best

 

Your husband has a default setting he will automatically revert to if left alone and it WILL drive you apart. He has shown he can do these things so don't let it slide.

 

Good luck

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I have my complaints but my H does more than his share considering the hours he works. He primarily takes care of the yard which is a huge deal, but I will pitch in and get it done when time is tight.

 

I'm soley the laundry person and I like it that way! The kitchen is mine but he mostly helps. He mops, I tidy, kids dust. It's just 28 years of pitching in.

 

BUT! 26 years ago he complained that I did not iron as well as the cleaners! He was probably right! That was also the last time I ironed! Since then, everything that has to be ironed goes to the cleaners! It's never been questioned!

 

So, my advice is to hire a weekly cleaning service! If he doesn't agree with the expense, he can pitch in. Taking up the slack PERMANENTLY only puts that job in your jurisdiction!

[somedude81]

Positive reinforcement.

 

But not every time he does something you want. Make it a bit random so he never knows that he'll get praised, only that he could.

[Mr. Lucky]

So, my advice is to hire a weekly cleaning service! If he doesn't agree with the expense, he can pitch in.

If he says you can't afford it, look him straight in the eye and say "At this point, we can't afford not to!"

 

If he's a smart guy, he'll figure it out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lucy_in_disguise]

Echoing what others have said...

 

1. Make clear your expectations that running the hiusehold is both your responsibility as long as you are both working. Decide which chores will be handled by each of you, and in what timing.

 

2. Stop taking care of his chores for him. Just stop. This means, don't re-do the dishes if they aren't up to your standards. Don't fold his laundry at all- if it bothers you to have it piled on the table, throw it somewhere else. He may be outraged the first time you do this, but once he calms down, he should acknowlesge that it is not your responsibility to do his chores.

 

3. Pay for as much help as you can afford.

 

4. Provide positive reinforcement when possible. I was reading an article that the generation of young adults, more than others, are motivated by praise/ positive feedback above other incentives. It may be a challenge to let things slide when he does not carry his weight, but you are really better off focusing on the positive.

[dogeared]

Thanks for all the responses. I can try the positive reinforcement thing, but I don't know how effective anything else will be. I always thank him for doing the things that he does do, but maybe if I am more profuse it will work.

 

 

I'm not sure about a cleaning service - I feel like most of the issues are with daily tasks, like the dishes, and general pick up (H is notorious for leaving his things all over the house, not putting things away when he is done with them and so on). Do these services put things away in their proper place? Do they do laundry, fold it and put it away? I guess I've always been under the impression that they only do cleaning - dusting, vacuuming, washing the windows...

 

 

I think if a cleaning service took care of picking up after H and did his laundry he would be very amenable to hiring a service once a month. Sidebar: it is so weird to me that he won't pick up after himself. I know how much it bothers him to have the house looking like a mess because there is STUFF everywhere (all his things, or things he got out and didn't put back) because he comments on it, but he won't put it away!

 

 

To clarify, I do not do H's tasks for him. The only exceptions are there was a month recently when he had forced overtime and was working very long hours six days a week. I did not mind picking up the slack and helping him out then. The other exception is that the dishes have been making me so mad that I have started "trading" him tasks a couple times a week - i.e. "Sweetie, I'm so tired tonight, can you make dinner? I'll take care of the clean up."

 

 

His only responsibilities are cleaning up after dinner, doing his own laundry/dry cleaning, and mowing the lawn. Something else I cannot figure out is, 2 years ago I was the only one who mowed the lawn. I never said a word, but last year H started mowing the lawn every once in awhile, and this year he mows it every single week. He even mows the neighbor's lawn. I have no idea what changed to motivate him, but I wish I could figure it out!

[OneLife2Live]

Glad I read this. The one thing I got most out of it was positive praise, lol! When my dh does actually help I tell him thanks and appreciate what he does do but why doesn't he do the same when im constantly picking up after him? Some say don't pick up after him but I can't stand things laying around. My kitchen table is full of his mail. If I put in a box he freaks out and bitches that I messed it up.Then I get defensive and telk him if he would keep it off the table I wouldn't mess with it.

If I seen him pick up a toilet brush, put his own laundry away, or wash his own clothes I'd have a heart attack!

[Bittersweetie]

Hi dogeared...you mentioned you were pregnant. Do you already have children? I'm just asking because this seems like an issue you may want to settle before the baby is born. After baby arrives, the dynamics and energy level of the household will change a lot. So he will either have to step up, or you will have to learn to live with things. Maybe use that as a talking point in bringing this issue up with him, like "Once the baby arrives, we'll have to reevaluate the chores..."

 

And as for H leaving things around...that will end once the baby is mobile! Because baby will take all his stuff and it will either a) disappear or b) break. And I doubt your H will be a fan of either.

 

Good luck and congrats!

[dogeared]

Hi dogeared...you mentioned you were pregnant. Do you already have children? I'm just asking because this seems like an issue you may want to settle before the baby is born. After baby arrives, the dynamics and energy level of the household will change a lot. So he will either have to step up, or you will have to learn to live with things. Maybe use that as a talking point in bringing this issue up with him, like "Once the baby arrives, we'll have to reevaluate the chores..."

 

And as for H leaving things around...that will end once the baby is mobile! Because baby will take all his stuff and it will either a) disappear or b) break. And I doubt your H will be a fan of either.

 

Good luck and congrats!

Thanks Bittersweetie, this is our first

 

I thought about it, and came up with a list of chores/errands that I seriously hate doing (like getting groceries, changing the bedding, cleaning the stove, etc.) that H really doesn't mind doing and actually sometimes offers to do or does on his own, and we reassessed the division of some of those chores.

 

I think that part will be successful...I also brought up the dishwasher, and I don't have as much hope that I can get him to change (it is so mysterious how he has changed so much about that!), but I have gotten him to hand wash my expensive knives instead of putting them in the dishwasher, so maybe there is hope....