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Does my husband want to put spark back in our marriage or a easy out of our marriage?

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Old 1st August 2014, 4:51 PM   #16
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there are a lot of red flags in your post, OP, but what sticks out most is that your husband seems to be looking at y'alls relationship only in context to himself. As in "I feel badly that you're home alone, not getting any," and "I think open marriage is the solution," as well as "I don't want to give up my job," "I think it's a fantastic way to revitalize our marriage."

no, "We need to sit down together and figure out what we want from this marriage, then work on a game plan to support it." WE. We.

add in the fact that y'all have a weak communication that goes back a bit, well ... that just spells out disaster, in my book, because he's hooked on this fantasy that really doesn't even take into consideration your needs or the needs of the marriage.

maybe the real question is whether you want to stay in a marriage that seemingly has nothing going for it because there is no "we" to it.
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Old 1st August 2014, 5:21 PM   #17
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What do you want, OP? Chances are, he's been cheating on you for years, but unless you have proof you can only surmise.

I actually know a couple who did exactly this though. He was a contractor in Afghanistan for months at a time, and she had a series of boyfriends while he was away. He knew all about it - it was his suggestion - and she took to it quite happily. He was never involved with anyone else. Their marriage picked up nicely once he stopped his travels for work, and she gave up her boy toys at that time.
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Old 1st August 2014, 5:28 PM   #18
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I have had an extensive background with swinging and there is a lot of weirdness here. Something really ain't right and I'm having trouble putting my finger on it.

I don't think this is really about him cheating and wanting to relieve his guilt. Real life cheaters don't feel guilt, they justify it but they don't justify it by getting their spouses to swing or do an open marriage.

Cheating is also a lot easier and simpler than swinging. If he were a garden variety ass and a cheater, he'd just be cheating on his time and then acting like the perfect dutiful husband when he gets home.

No, this goes deeper than that.

Since you have had experience with swinging, any chance he's just simply gone off the deep end and has no real grasp of boundaries or normal sexual restraint? Could he be heavily into porn and fantasy etc etc.

Any history of visiting brothels or protitutes or bar girls on business junkets overseas?

Since he has been gone so much for such extended periods over such a long time, he nay have no real sense of marital sexuality or any real sense of any kind of normal marital, sexual boundaries.

In his world, hotel hook ups, brothels, bar girls, donkey shows, 15 year old Asian prostitutes etc etc etc may be normal.

Regardless of what the true story is, I don't see him having a normal, monogamous, traditional marriage where he mows the lawn and tinkers around in the garage and grills steaks on the deck on weekends is going to be a part of your world. I think your options are either embrace an alternative lifestyle of darn-near-anything-goes or let him go into his porn and orgy world without you and find some normal guy who leads a normal 9 to 5 life and wants to live a normal monogamous life.

Last edited by oldshirt; 1st August 2014 at 5:33 PM..
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Old 1st August 2014, 6:58 PM   #19
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I don't think you really want liberal thinking people's opinion or you wouldn't have asked the question in the first place. It is clear to me that as I read your post this is not something you want or desire. Sex is important to a man, sure - I am one and understand completely, but an "open relationship" flies in the face of what marriage is in the first place. I recommend a book titled Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis. If your husband really cares about your happiness then he will listen to your feelings on the subject and put your needs ahead of his own. How does it make you feel when he continually asks you to do something that you are not comfortable with? What were the thoughts that came into your mind when you saw that he had posted for you on a swingers site without your permission? What do you think his true motive is behind this fascination? Do you feel like you want to spend the rest of your life as a swinger? Do you really think that will solve the issues in your marriage?
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