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Does my husband want to put spark back in our marriage or a easy out of our marriage?


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Old 31st July 2014, 9:07 PM   #1
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Does my husband want a open marriage or just an easy out of our marriage?

My husband travels 6 - 7 months out of the year, our children are grown and the last one leaves for school next month. I could chalk up my husband's request for an open marriage to a mid-life crisis but he has been trying to persuade me every couple of years for the last 15 years to become a swinger. We have had a couple of experiences, orchestrated by him, and I did not find it interesting enough to want do on a regular basis.
During his latest trip, my husband requested that we should have a open relationship. He says he never cheats on me but feels badly that I am at home alone and not getting any sex. That we have not had a marriage in the last ten years and now with the kids gone, we need to re-think our marriage, life, house ect. He has no interest in changing jobs were he does not travel but he thinks a open marriage is a way to rekindle the spark we lost a long time ago and it is a fantasy of his for me to do this.
I have no real proof that he has cheated on me but my gut says so. How many men can go away for months at a time and come home to not wanting any physical contact with his wife? I am by no means unattractive. I have never cheated on him and never wanted anyone else since we started seeing each other more than 20 years ago.
I said I would seriously consider, and I really was considering it, if it would save our marriage and when he got home, we can discuss it in person instead of txt messages. He and I have had very poor communication between us for the last 7 years with resentment on both sides.
Without waiting to come home for us to discuss it, he created a couple of profiles on open marriage hook up sites and sends me tons of stuff(pics, audiobooks, porn) about how great it is to be a woman who gets to sleep with lots of men with her husband's permission. How I will be able to find a guy to have regular sex with when he is not home. Is this a male fantasy, is he already in a open marriage but I don't know it or does he just wants a easy way out of our marriage hoping that I will find someone else and he can leave without guilt? I need liberal thinking men and women's honest opinions on this please.
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Old 31st July 2014, 10:16 PM   #2
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He's got his side kick and wants to relieve guilt so giving you permission means he doesn't have to feel guilty about the women he's sleeping with.
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Old 31st July 2014, 10:35 PM   #3
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If he'd truly wanted to put the spark back, he'd be discussing romantic getaways, date nights out, sexy games, and kinky sex with YOU. Not with other women.

He's just making excuses to sleep around, IMO.
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Old 31st July 2014, 11:19 PM   #4
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Smile Thank you Beach & Timmos

I appreciate the reply very much. Would anyone else reading my above post like to weigh in?
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Old 1st August 2014, 12:16 AM   #5
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My gut also says that you've been in an open marriage for a long time and you're just the last to know it.

I don't think he's trying to get out of the marriage but as Beach suggested, he would probably love to relieve his guilt retroactively by getting your agreement to it. Hell, he could justify 20 years of lies. I suspect that he has little choice but to try to pressure you into this arrangement. The alternative is to either give up his life of traveling/other women or eventually lose his wife. He would prefer neither.

I think he probably also has fantasies of his wife being taken by other men. Frankly, it seems to fit the dynamic where he doesn't respect you and would be subsequently punished for it (thus relieving some of his guilt).

Ah, a true romantic love story.

I think you should seriously consider whether wasting 20 years on this guy means that you should waste another 20.
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Old 1st August 2014, 1:33 AM   #6
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He says he never cheats on me but feels badly that I am at home alone and not getting any sex.
Now I think I have heard it all... he feels bad that you are not getting any sex? Wow.

I tend to agree with the other posters, especially BetrayedH and his comment about whether you want to waste another 20 years on this man. Maybe he is having affairs and wants to justify it, maybe he is just really wanting the swinging lifestyle - only he knows. The former is more likely. I'm not sure it matters, though, because no matter what is underlying reason is, he wants a lifestyle that you don't.

Sounds like you are relatively young and you are attractive so finding someone whose goals are more in line with yours is something that you would have no problem with, should you decide to go that route. I wish you luck -
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Old 1st August 2014, 1:52 AM   #7
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If he really intended to put the spark back into your marriage - he'd quit traveling, stay home and get focused on really connecting with ONLY you.

But he's not - that's not the solution he proposed - he proposed that you go find some intimacy with other guys.

How romantic = not.

He's just completely disrespectful to you.
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Old 1st August 2014, 2:50 AM   #8
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He's away for half a year and you haven't really confirmed if he has someone else. Maybe he already has a secondary relationship thus his "request" for an open marriage citing you're not getting any sex. Does that mean he feels guilty because he is getting it from someone else?

I had a thread on open marriage a while back (sorry, I don't know how to attach the link here) but had good responses which clarified things for me. Basically, the primary relationship (you and hubby) is the priority relationship and both parties are open to secondary or more relationships. If his fantasy is for you to have sex with other men/people, that could be achieved with casuals or flings right? The primary R must be strong and stable in order to withstand or coexist with the other Rs. You mentioned that your communication lines are not that great to begin with, so will it survive with other people in the mix? You and H must be on the same page on this, specially on the reasons why opening the marriage will be good for the primary R.
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Old 1st August 2014, 3:35 AM   #9
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I love the way he is making it out that this is all for your benefit

Open marriage is not for everybody and you need to be absolutely sure in yourself and of your marriage before you do this. There are a number of things in your post which show that you are not wanting to do this and there are issues in your marriage so to me - the key one being that you have had communication problems for years. If you cannot communicate, you cannot be truly honest with each other.

Do not proceed down this route. It is all for him with no real consideration for how you feel or what you want. You need to challenge him on his real motivations and what he wants from your marriage. Most people wanting to save a marriage in your situation would stop the travelling or at least suggest counselling. Most would not suggest doing something which would test even the strongest marriage.
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Old 1st August 2014, 4:00 AM   #10
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EyesWideOpen45, the answer is very simple:
"If it feels good, do it. When in doubt - don't". You must have heard that saying. And to be honest with you, he's putting pressure on you, but to say he has an ulterior motive is an understatement. Anne 1707 is absolutely spot-on with her comments. You are understandably uneasy, and I would strongly advise you to listen, intently, to your gut instinct. I think it is beholden upon you to tell him in no uncertain way that this is completely off the agenda, and that the only way this will happen is if you go your separate ways. His choice. Put the ball in his court. Tell him receiving this material is utterly unacceptable to you and you are grossly offended by it. (if indeed, this is the way you feel). I would however, keep all material he sends you, as record. If this comes to a divorce - and it is not beyond the realms of possibility - then this will be an indisputable indication of his unreasonable behaviour.
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Old 1st August 2014, 4:21 AM   #11
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I think BetrayedH and Hopeshimmers are right in as much as your husband has been seeing other women.

However, the interesting thing is he could easily keep a mistress and relationships with other women secret from you. But he doesn't. He wants to involve you in a swinging relationship, time and time again he has requested you have an open marriage.

I don't think this is about him having an 'affair', your H is turned on by swinging and the thought of you having sex with other men. Some men do get turned on by this. He has fantasies about seeing you having sex with other men, the thought of you with other men is a turn on him for him. If you googled 'cuckold' (and switched the porn filters off the PC), you will see what I mean. I think if you told him you were seeing another man, he'd love it.

Now if you are into the above and like the idea of it, then all well and good. But it sounds to me like you don't and you just want a 'normal' monogamous marriage.

The above are his sexual preferences and you won't change him. So if you don't want that life then you need to consider ending the marriage. Funnily enough, you would actually be doing him a favour, he could then find a woman who has those tastes and share them with him.

I don't think this is about having affairs for him, I think this is about his sexual preferences and lifestyle choices and if they are compatible with yours.

Hope this helps.
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Old 1st August 2014, 5:48 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EyesWideOpen45 View Post
He has been trying to persuade me every couple of years for the last 15 years to become a swinger. We have had a couple of experiences, orchestrated by him, and I did not find it interesting enough to want do on a regular basis.

Are you basically saying you and he already tried some sex (open/swing) with a few others and it was not to your liking? Why did you add "on a regular basis" to the end of this. Either want to do or don't want to do?
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Old 1st August 2014, 6:04 AM   #13
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Giving a short answer - do you want an open marriage? Do you want another lover you can tell your husband about and share a swinging marriage? If you want to give it a go, then do it, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else, why not? However, if you don't want to and your husband does, maybe your marriage has come to its natural conclusion.

Last edited by jackslife; 1st August 2014 at 8:14 AM.. Reason: modified to reduce poor grammar
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Old 1st August 2014, 1:41 PM   #14
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I said I would seriously consider, and I really was considering it, if it would save our marriage and when he got home, we can discuss it in person instead of txt messages.
His motivation aside, I'm wondering what keeps you in the marriage ???

He's gone much of the time with no desire to change
You have poor communication
When he returns he's not interested in you
He's pushing you towards a lifestyle you don't seem to want
He's most likely involved with one or more others

How on earth is he a desirable partner for you?

Mr. Lucky
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Old 1st August 2014, 2:53 PM   #15
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I'm going with Mr.Lucky's questions.

But I will further that I had a marriage which experimented with swinging. In our case, it was something that we both wanted to try - and it still back-fired.

As many who have tried, the addition of other parties in our marriage eventually caused it to end.

You said that he said he felt bad you were getting sex while he was gone. Are you really feeling like it is something you are missing? I'm curious how this discussion came about; are you feeling deprived?
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