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Am I just not cut out for marriage?


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 29th July 2014, 9:09 AM   #16
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OP, I don't think the setup you're describing is uncommon... but making a spreadsheet of it before even being engaged does seem a bit much. I'd table the discussion about the nitty gritty details until both of you are actually planning to get married. But if your concern is his timeline re: marriage, then have a conversation about that, and his reasons for it. IF he says that his concern is the combined finances, then you can discuss your plans to alleviate that with your pre-nup.

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Originally Posted by pteromom View Post
The thing is you can't compare the two.

A better comparison would be writing a contract specifying that your partner must bring in X amount of income.
I'd compare it to a contract specifying that they must go out on X dates a week...
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Old 29th July 2014, 2:03 PM   #17
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How committed is your BF to moving forward with you? Starting out with a spreadsheet would be a HUGE turnoff for me that early in. Spreadsheets come after engagement IMO, others may disagree. I can totally relate to "oh boy"

I would just keep it in conversation and lite conversation until you know for sure this is headed for serious commitment. As you head for it though, lite conversation as you come up with things, feel him out and see how he likes it. However if he invites the idea of this spreadsheet, go ahead.
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Old 29th July 2014, 2:16 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by lucy_in_disguise View Post
As you may recall, I am a late twenties woman pondering the prospects of starting a family with my long-term, early-thirties boyfriend. My boyfriend, though loving, reliable, and faithful, is highly risk-averse and has not shown much initiative in moving our relationship forward. While I believe this may not bode well for our future, I am interested in probing further before throwing in the towel.

So, the other day, to prepare for a discussion with him, i started thinking about the practical aspects of marriage, and what my preferences would be for merging our lives.

I started by making a projection of our combined finances into the future. I know finances can be a major point of contention in relationships, and we both hold strong views on the matter, so that seemed like the place to start.

After a while, I realized I was coming up with some rules that amount to a prenup. I made joint budget and joint investment proposals. Joint budget includes all household expenses and a "base" amount for discretionary spendkng and personal expenditres. The joint budget is to be based on a standard for lifestyle that is hashed out beforehand. (I am the lower maintenance party in the relationship, but this is something i believe we can agree on). joint investments include retirement funding, college savings, emergency savings, and and any other joint investment ventures we agree to pursue together.

Both parties contribute to the joint budget and investments according to their gross incomes. Any assets accumulated as such belong equally to both parties. Any remaining income remains under control and ownership of each spouse. Income earned through separate investments is included in gross income for the purpose of calculating contribution amounts. Assets acquired before marriage (including 401k) belong to each spouse.

Essentially, I am happy to enter into a permanent emotional and financial partnership, but retaining control over my finances is important to me. I want the freedom to make some investment and business decisions without consulting my spouse. Under my approach for combining finances, this would be possible- after contributing a "fair" portion to cover joint expenses and investments, I can do whatever the f I want with my remaining income.

But, I believe this is contrary to the intent of the law in my state (where all assets acquired during marriage are marital property) and possibly not in good faith to marriage as a concept.

Agree or disagree?
I can understand your fear of finances and marriage. When I married it was important to me to find someone who was on a good career track and could take care of me if I didn't work.

That being said, life does what life does. My husband lost his job soon after we got married and I went to work. Recently, I lost my job and now I stay home and he goes to work. We are trying to see if we can live on just his income because we seem to function better when one of us stays home.

You are trying really hard to control everything which ultimately is impossible. Right now you don't seem ready for marriage. Concentrate on your career and planning your financial future which seems to be were your heart lies now. You don't have to get married by the time your "whatever." Marry when you're ready.
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Old 29th July 2014, 3:39 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brigid View Post
I can understand your fear of finances and marriage. When I married it was important to me to find someone who was on a good career track and could take care of me if I didn't work.

That being said, life does what life does. My husband lost his job soon after we got married and I went to work. Recently, I lost my job and now I stay home and he goes to work. We are trying to see if we can live on just his income because we seem to function better when one of us stays home.

You are trying really hard to control everything which ultimately is impossible. Right now you don't seem ready for marriage. Concentrate on your career and planning your financial future which seems to be were your heart lies now. You don't have to get married by the time your "whatever." Marry when you're ready.
A lot of wisdom here.

I agree about the career, but i get her point and think it's too early for it. I tried to plan too, ... lol nothing went to plan... but i did maintain separate accounts, we have for 16 years now. So that part she can keep, as in protecting her assets and such.

One thing OP, i too had a business already going before marriage and kept it separate... but told her all i did. funny thing is, i decided to re-incorporate and she is now part owner.

Last edited by atreides; 29th July 2014 at 4:26 PM..
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