Unhappy Marriage

[Cococbel]

Married 15 years. Five kids.

 

At times he is great but two of my kids openly dislike their Dad. Two of them fear him. Youngest child is probably too young to know his Dad well enough yet. That doesn't seem right. I don't know my father and I don't know what its like to have a father figure so not sure if its normal to not get along.

 

So he is okay most of the time but then he will get upset or angry for the smallest thing. I usually walk away as he is impossible to talk to. He is not physically abusive though he makes threats.

 

All our discussions have been fruitless lately. We rarely talk about our marriage. He thinks I would leave him for better sex but honestly that is only reason I'd stay. For the sex I mean. Emotionally there is nothing. Its like emptiness.

 

He puts up an image of being a family man but he ignores the kids most of time and gets annoyed easily with them. I feel like I am used for sex ( honestly I use him too) and for someone to talk at. We don't really talk. We are rarely on the same wavelength.

 

He says he loves me but won't and doesn't show it. Its just words he says. I have lost a lot of weight as has he so if I ask him why he loves me its usually about my looks. I don't think that is love. He used to tell me how smart, beautiful and wonderful I was, how great a mother I am. Now its -"You're hot". Sometimes I wonder if he had a brain injury. This is not the man I married.

 

My youngest is no longer baby but I think I should wait til he is older to leave him. I am not in love with him. I feel like I hate him and that is a mighty strong burden to carry.

[I am Bud]

Dear Cococbel

 

It is quite common for married couples to stick around until there kids get older and then to get a divorce once they leave home. It is also common for kids not to get along with a parent particularly when that parent makes no effort to have a relationship with them or show any interest in their well being.

 

Kids are intuitive in that manner and they will give you plenty of love as a parent if you give them your time and your love. It's a bit of a shame that your husband seems so disinterested in his kids because there is whole lot of love waiting to be embraced right there. If he continues along this path of alienating his kids and yourself then he is going to wind up a lonely old man. His only hope is that one of the kids has a heart big enough to stay in touch with him/ look after him in case he needs it once everyone is gone.

 

As you can attest to, the happiness that physical intimacy provides is fleeting and is never able to sustain a marriage. Sex without love turns us into empty vessels that go through the motion of a love act. Whereby he is satisfied just to do it and go to sleep you yearn for much more than he is giving. You want to know that he loves you and cherishes you and when he doesn't do it, the whole experience becomes cheapened somewhat. You feel undervalued as a human being and that you are just being used for your body and nothing else.

 

Nobody wants to feel like they are being used and nobody wants to feel not love or not valued. It would appear that your husband has reduced his existence to the bare minimum, of eating, sleeping and rutting. The reason that he might be this way could be due to depression or something. It is difficult to even suggest to see a marriage counselor as he would be the type to live in denial and believe that everything is okay. The only thing that might prove a point is if you denied him physical intimacy until he showed you that he loves you. (e.g. sleeping in separate beds) Sort of like a silent protest on your part to show him that your marriage is in crisis and for him to do something about it. That would definitely stir the pot so to speak but not sure if you want to go along that path or not.

 

All the best - Bud.

[melodicintention]

He is not physically abusive though he makes threats.

 

This is called emotional abuse. Constantly threatening you with physical violence is emotional abuse as in it causes psychological trauma for you and your children.

 

I suggest going to marriage counseling in order to lead him to his own counseling. Just suggesting he go to a psychiatrist might not work, but using a MC might help lead him to it. Otherwise I would say leave him. To me there is no gray area, and personally I would leave him without even going to counseling but that might not be so easy for you to just up and do so get some sort of outside help as he is an abuser regardless if he actually puts his hands on you or not.

[Cococbel]

Thank you, the posts are very insightful and helpful.