Don't know how to tell him

[TealQueen]

My fiance and I have been together for 2 years, engaged for 3 months.

We moved in together about a month and a half ago.

Things are going fine. The only thing is, sometimes he'll say something to me that really hurts my feelings. I'll tell him that and he'll get mad at me for taking it personally and then ask if I'd rather him lie or continue being "brutally honest."

There is a way to be in the middle. But he doesn't get it.

For instance, last week we were talking about our wedding. (He was previously engaged to another girl a few years ago, things didn't end well)

He said he wasn't that excited because he had already been engaged before, was really excited to be engaged and get married, and look what happened.

He says he is excited or else he wouldn't have asked me to marry him, but he just doesn't show it and it's not like last time.

 

There was that and a couple other instances. It's just, now I don't even feel like telling him when someone is bothering me, because I don't want him to just turn it back to me and end with him being mad at me and me feeling even worse than I did prior.

 

Ideas?

[d0nnivain]

How do you express these things & how does he react. Language is important here as are timing & tone

 

 

My husband wasn't all that thrilled about wedding planning either.

 

 

Part of it may be educating him on how to treat you. I had to teach my husband to hug me when I was crying. Literally. he'd just stand there & not know what to do or worse he'd walk away because he couldn't stand to see me upset . . . out of sight out of mind. He needed to be told it was OK if he couldn't immediately fix what was wrong at the moment.

 

 

Teach him to sugar coat things too. there's a difference between blunt & honest. You look fat in that vs. the other dress hangs better.

[jackslife]

I think you need to nip this behaviour in the bud, and that means telling him how you feel and what you want and expect from the marriage. Including how you are not happy with how he speaks to and treats you. He may not be aware of how upset he is making you.

 

His behaviour/atitude won't change by itself. If he is like it now, he'll be the same after the wedding and in 5, 10, 15, 20 years time - do you want this level of grief for the rest of your life? My advice is sort it now, tell him how miserable and upset he is making you.

 

If he is a good and decent man he will take on board your comments, if not decide if this is how you would want to be treated for the rest of your life.

[GoBlue]

I have an idea - move out. The reason I say this is because I am very familiar with an article that shows statistics for couples who cohabitate before marriage. Here are the three key findings: these couples have a higher divorce rate, have higher instances of domestic abuse, and have a lower level of marital satisfaction. The conclusion is that cohabitation is not a good way to prepare for marriage.

 

There is a better way though. Good pre-marital counseling can help you immensely. You will deal with unspoken expectations, look honestly at conflict resolution, and learn how to communicate better. I would venture to guess that none of these things were dealt with before you moved in. I think this is part of the reason why cohabitation just doesn't work well. You simply meld your lives together and find things out as you go. There is also the problem of having all the benefits of marriage (no explanation needed - right?) but none of the real commitments of it (obligations if you prefer).

 

This is not proof that your relationship is doomed, but don't buy into the lie that living together is going to prepare you for marriage. Study and practical experience just doesn't bear that out. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Blessings!

[Miss Awesome]

I agree that language is very important. You definitely want to avoid accusing, so instead of saying, "You make me feel...," you use the following structure: "When you (insert concrete action here), I feel (insert descriptive feeling word here)." You can take it a step further with: "The effect is (insert the concrete effect of your feelings here)." You can also follow it up with a request for change.

 

 

So if you put it all together, it would go something like this (remembering that I don't know your feelings and that this is just an example):

 

 

"When you tell me I'm too sensitive, I feel hurt. The effect is that I don't want to tell you things anymore. I'd really like it if you could try to talk with me about what I'm feeling instead of telling me I'm too sensitive."

 

 

The other thing I'd suggest to you is to try to listen to what he's saying instead of just the words he's using. When you explained what he said about not being excited, what I heard is that he's afraid of being hurt again. It sounds like he's nervous to get excited because he feels it may result in the same thing as before. It sounds like he needs you to comfort him and/or simply be understanding as opposed to taking it personally. That's not to say that you can't feel a little sad about it, nor that you shouldn't express it - but that shouldn't be your only focus. Instead, try "you know, that makes me a little sad because I wish you could be excited, but I understand why it's hard for you."